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Relationships

revelations from dad and how to deal

41 replies

zebrano · 20/01/2018 01:38

Hope I can fill in this back story as Ive had a terrible day and my head is all over the place. I also want to keep it short as it could be a long one! i had a pretty rubbish childhood (I'm an only child) with an alcoholic father. Vicious arguments between my parents all my life, drink driving incidents, police called out to domestic incidents right before my GCSEs etc.

My dad's first suicide attempt was when I was 17, I got home from college and found him overdosed, called 999 etc and his stomach was pumped and he was sectioned. Very traumatic experience and no one ever asked if I was ok or talked anything through with me.

I should also mention at this point that my dad was plagued by chronic back pain which was made worse by operations that went wrong. An addiction to prescription painkillers began.

He eventually left our house and moved straight in with a lady, she was on a lot of medication but I was never given details and the relationship was fraught.

My dad made another suicide attempt when I was 24 and We had my newborn son. His relationship with the lady was deteriorating and he blamed it on her because she stopped taking meds etc, as I'm an only child I was answering calls all day and all night about his problems. I spoke to his sister who let slip that the lady was a paranoid schizophrenic who had killed her own baby. It turns out everybody knew but me and my husband, and we were the ones who were taking our baby son round there when she was refusing to take meds! To this day my dad still maintains that he was right not to tell us about her history as he didn't see any harm would come to anybody. I liked her very much but I don't think I'll ever forgive him for not telling me the whole story so that my husband and I could set our own boundaries.

Shortly after that bombshell he ended up slapping her a couple of times and her grown children got her away. He got into a dispute with her over her council flat and in the end she was driven out.

He was in a bad state health wise with extreme chronic pain and he had driven everyone else away. I have literally been the only person left, his siblings don't bother with him. There's just me and the next door neighbour.

Fast forward to now and he's practically housebound, can only walk with a frame and is in chronic pain with hardly any sleep. He ended up in hospital over Christmas and I've been on the end of a lot of shouting and abuse, trying to understand what he's going through the best I can. Texts at 4 am saying he's going to kill himself. I'm running round sorting appointments etc. I've been a good daughter.

A few days ago he was discharged and the hospital arranged carers. He refuses to give the carer the keysafe code or his mobile number, expecting me to act as a go between when I work full time. This morning he was angry because there was some sort of misunderstanding with the carer and he told me (as I was getting the kids ready for school) that he was going to kill himself. I ended up snapping and telling him please stop threatening that every time something goes wrong, as it was so traumatic as a 17 year old and he's sending me into a tailspin everytime he throws the threat out. We had a pretty heated argument.

He then sent me texts saying that the reason he attempted suicide is because my mum asked him if 'he would like to have sex with me' (when I was a kid). That's how it's worded. Not quite sure if he is saying that she suggested he do it, or accused him of wanting to do it. But in any case it drove him to not want to live anymore. Anyway, it's all been said in a big fanfare of 'now the truth is out'.

I have no recollection of anything untoward, my childhood was shit but there was no sexual abuse as far as I know. I get on pretty well with my mum. Immediately after he sent the text, he sent one to my husband saying he thinks I'm having a breakdown.

I don't want to see him anymore. But the guilt is creeping in as he has no one else but a neighbour. And I cannot begin to process what he is saying to me and what it all means. Do I ask my mum? Do I assume he is just trying to hurt me? Help!

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/01/2018 01:47

Don't assume what he is saying is true. He obviously has many issues, and this could well be part of it. I'm not sure where you go with this. Would your mother be approachable for a conversation about it, or would that potentially make it worse? Flowers

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/01/2018 01:48

I think it may well be that he is trying to deflect from his own mental health issues, as there does seem to be a history of him blaming other people from what you have said, sorry.

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/01/2018 01:50

And it sounds like there may well be jealousy over the good relationship your mother and you have, and he is trying to drive a wedge between you.

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ferando81 · 20/01/2018 01:54

You sound lovely and your dad sounds like a bit of a monster.I doubt very much his version of events .Look after yourself and your own family and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty-I know that's easier said than done.Good luck

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Christmascardqueen · 20/01/2018 01:54

i agree park the comment for now since you have no recollection of sexual abuse. you can at some point ask your mom about the context.
can you contact a social worker to have him assessed for competentcy (sorry right click and autocorrect not working). somehow probably with the help of his GP, community nurse, social worker, OT you need to back away.
may i suggest a routine of a time when you call him and not answer at other times (once or twice a day).
you may need to discuss how to deal with his suicide threats (reporting them to his gp) as he may need long term facility placement and may not be suitable to live on his own much longer.

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zebrano · 20/01/2018 02:02

Thanks for replying! My gut says that he's trying to hurt me.. I don't know why. Gosh, who could say that though?!
I get on ok with my mum but I still have a bit of resentment there with her too, so we aren't as close as we could be. I never speak to my dad about my mum or vice versa. It's been years and years since my mum has been mentioned in conversation. I'm 35 now and he finally left when I was 18.

I feel like I need to talk to her about it but wary of it causing another argument.

How can your dad text you something like that if it's not true!?

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tava63 · 20/01/2018 02:03

I just wanted to write that I think you must be an amazingly strong person to have gone through all these experiences and not cut him out of your life. Now might be the time to seek some way of processing all this, counselling might help to discuss this, discuss what boundaries work for you and help you make a decision on whether to ask about this to your Mum. You clearly have been hugely successful in your life to have gone through, and are still going through, such shite and still manage your job and kids. Keep being your true strong self.

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zebrano · 20/01/2018 02:08

Thank you. Strange question but Can I just call his GP and ask to speak about this?
I know he is in a bad way but I'm really struggling, I'm not sure if he is suicidal or trying to push my buttons. He knows he can make me cry by saying he'll Kill himself, I turn into a frightened 17 year old again.

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Christmascardqueen · 20/01/2018 02:10

Yes you can just call.

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Coyoacan · 20/01/2018 02:21

It sounds like you need to get to Al Anon, OP. Alcoholics are famous for never taking responsability for their actions and you will get help them to understand.

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zebrano · 20/01/2018 02:23

Thank you for your kind responses. When I read it back it all sounded so bonkers I wasn't sure what people would say. I am so lucky that I have a great DH who is a great talker and listener. I have a fairly responsible job that requires focus and concentration. I had to explain everything to my manager today (I was on another planet at work!) and got sent home. It's a big company and I will be referred for 6 sessions in house counselling. Luckily work knew that he had been in hospital and I was under a bit of stress.

I'm so fortunate I have good people around me.

I have spoken to my dad's neighbour and he is so utterly understanding (and not shocked in the slightest) that I'm taking steps back and said he'll take care of my dad as best he can, was a bit surprised, it sounded like he was waiting for my call.

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zebrano · 20/01/2018 02:25

Cocoyacan
Thanks but he actually can't drink anymore as he is necking so many prescription painkillers that it makes him ill! He is pretty much just as hard work these days as he was when he was on the vodka though.

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Thingsdogetbetter · 20/01/2018 09:18

I too recommend Al-non. Just because he is not actually drinking now does not mean he is not an alcoholic. They support people whose lives have been affected by another person's alcoholism, past or present. Yours certainly has been. He has behaved atrociously towards you and you are still entangled trying to 'fix' him and help him. It might help you step away without the guilt and enable you to put boundaries in place for the future.

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Cracker09jacker · 20/01/2018 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 11:51

It sounds like he is developing alcohol related dementia if he hasn't already

This is no further reason for you to keep putting yourself in the firing like though. You have a job, a family of your own and you don't owe him a thing

Ignore his dysfunctional threats and take a back step. Let the professionals help him. Stop getting involved.

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AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 11:52

Firing *line

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Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2018 11:55

I strongly believe you should go no contact with your father and find a good therapist to help you work through all of the trauma you've had to deal with. You are not responsible for him, and your well-being must come first. He sounds like a manipulative nightmare.

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misscph1973 · 20/01/2018 11:58

OP, I am so sorry for what you are going through with your DF, it must be so very hard.

From here it looks like you are the only adult, your DF is acting like a child. Look up Eric Bernes transactional analysis, you might learn a lot from that (it's a quick read, quite simple) and it might help you change the dynamic between you and your DF.

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zebrano · 20/01/2018 13:38

Thank you again for all your advice and recommendations.
I have spoken to my mum and she's been great. Thank goodness! She says that nothing like this has ever been said, in any situation. She was genuinely aghast.

His suicide attempt when I was 17 was a reaction to her filing for divorce.

It's true, it's like I'm the parent and he's the child. I have to rescue him and fix him. It's exhausting. I do have a lovely DH but sometimes feel so alone.

Thanks for all the recommendations on books and literature, I am really grateful for all your kind words.

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misscph1973 · 20/01/2018 13:56

If you can afford it, counselling might be a good idea for you. I saw a counsellor once a week for 4 months (£35 per 1 hour session, but do see your GP to see if you can get funding) before I split from XH, it was well worth the money, I got the clear head I needed to make a decision.

I'm sure it helps to have your DM's support. I can imagine that you feel alone sometimes, though. But keep reminding yourself that you have your DM and Dh's support.

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Coyoacan · 20/01/2018 14:04

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, even if they don't drink. I recommended Al Anon as it is a relevant form of group therapy that is easily accessible and free.

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OnTheRise · 20/01/2018 14:05

He sounds horribly toxic.

You are not obliged to run around after him in the way that you do. And after this latest episode, and the dreadful things he pretended your mum said, I think you'd be very wise in backing off.

Tell him you're not going to be available anymore, and stick to it. You need to look after yourself first.

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Gemini69 · 20/01/2018 14:10

this Man.... has been manipulating you and bullying you to his own end your entire adult life....

Close the door... and lock it behind you Flowers

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OverTheParapet · 20/01/2018 15:04

This is going to sound really harsh OP but it comes from a place of well meaning for you and my sage experience

Don't react when he says he's going to kill himself. The people who constantly talk about it are unlikely to ever have a really good attempt at it. Talk to his GP (as in make them aware and "handover" to them. Tell them you will no longer be ensuring his safety) and move on Thanks

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another20 · 20/01/2018 22:37

All of us only have a finite amount of emotional and physical energy.

This toxic man has been draining you of yours all your life.

You need to restore your own emotional and physical energy reserves and then decide where you will deploy this precious resource. I would prioritise your DH and DC which will come back to you in spades. Cut him out and get some counselling.

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