Advice needed....

[jaffacakefan]

Hi all, I need some advice. My husband of 11 years is prone to angry outbursts, blame game, belittling and passive aggressive behaviour. I am well aware of this dbs my response to it is changing greatly and he is bucking against it. Previously he has kicked off about something, had a tantrum, screamed and shouted and then sulked and then blanked me for a few days before deciding it was all fine and coming back emotionally. He knew this drove me mad and made me feel rejected and anxious and walking on eggshells stresses me out immensely. Anyway, on Sunday he kicked off and had a tantrum because he moved the car from double yellows, as I suggested it wasn't a good idea, and in doing so pranged another car. That was my fault apparently as I should have let him leave it on the double yellow. I told him this was the behaviour I had had enough off and he needed to grow up and take responsibility for own action. Anyway, he swore and grumbled and blamed, then couple of hours later acted normal. But I didn't.... stayed distant, didn't succumb , enjoyed kids company, looked after myself etc. Four days on in sane situation, he keeps huffing and puffing how he's ducked off with being ignored etc, getting boring now etc.... will he now blame me for being the one giving silent treatment? I'm just done with it, I can't cope any more with dealing with his mood swings with him taking no responsibility.... this is going to turn into my fault :((

[ohfourfoxache]

Why on earth are you living life like this?

You could be so much happier without this man-toddler

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

To be honest Jaffa, it sounds as though you using the same passive aggressive behaviour on him as he does to you. I'm not really sure what you're trying to achieve with that, it seems a little tit-for-tat and not very constructive.

Have you tried counselling? Either separately or together? This is not a healthy relationship.

[jaffacakefan]

We have had joint counselling, and me my own. He says he knows he has anger issues, that he's not easy to live with etc. I don't think I'm being passive aggressive, previously when he's had a tantrum then come out other side I've feen grateful for him to be cLm again and have easily slipped into normal life. Over last year I've said I can't do that. He never says sorry, never sees he was wrong and is showing our children it's ok to kick off swear and shout at doneone you love. My distance is self preservation, it hurts less :(

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

In that case, I think you'd both be better off separating. Sorry.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why are you together at all now?. What did your own counselling achieve for you?. Joint counselling was likely to have been a complete waste of time (what happened in those sessions?).

All that your man shows you is abusive behaviour. What do you get out of this relationship now, what is really keeping you with this man?.

Would you want this type of relationship for your children as adults, no you would not. Why are you showing your children that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you. You cannot fully protect yourself and your children from his behaviours towards you.

BTW what sort of an example did your own parents show you relationship wise?. Was it similar to this?.

[0ccamsRazor]

It doesn't sound as though you have a relationship worth working with tbh, I mean that kindly Op.

Well done on changing how you react to his disrespectful stropyness. He needs to see that his tantrums are not effective in controlling you.

Do you love him? Because it sounds as though he doesn't love you, it sounds as though you are his whipping boy.

[jaffacakefan]

My own counselling was following childhood abuse , our couples coubselling was after his emotional affair five years ago. I've just read a thread I posted a year ago..... no change at all :( I sounded so assertive that I wasn't putting up with it any more :(

[ohfourfoxache]

Oh Jaffa, I’m so sorry but I think you know what you need to do

[jaffacakefan]

Am I in the wrong now by distancing myself, I'm looking sulky aren't I? Normally I'd be texting and trying to hug him or engage in conversation until he snapped out of it. But it caused me so much stress coping with the rebuking and the Second guessing of his mood. It made me a bad Mum, I took that stress out on them. Now I'm self protecting I'm calm and can see things with clarity, but as the days have gone on I am doubting myself and feel guilty and that I'm now as bad as him

[0ccamsRazor]

So sorry jaffa

if you were my friend, I would be there right now, tissues at the ready, a bottle of wine and big hugs. I am so sorry that things for you are crap at the moment.

[ohfourfoxache]

Don’t allow your quietness to be a waste. Use the momentum to instigate a separation

[Whatwouldkeithrichardsdo]

Why do so many of these men have anger issues?

I really was never aware of it until I met DH and we had kids. But it is also such a common complaint on here?

[Joysmum]

Is he like this with anyone else, or is it just you?

[jaffacakefan]

With his mates.... life and soul! Elements of anger and aggressive approaches to his Mum and his dad, but I don't think to the same level.

[Joysmum]

Ah so he child chooses to treat only you like shit.

Why accept that?

[Joysmum]

*whete the hell did the word ‘child’ come from

[Joysmum]

*where

Sorry, I’m trying to eat and type and not doing either successfully