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Can marriage counseling save it even when still having an affair?

(82 Posts)
niteandfog Fri 19-Jan-18 02:44:25

SYBXH really wants us to go to counseling. I said fine but I won't end my affair. However I think this is a total waste of time and money and I'm not even slightly committed? The only reason I can see it working is so he knows that we've definitely reached the end and there's no room for reconciliation.

Greensleeves Fri 19-Jan-18 02:47:36

No, it would be a total waste of time and money. You need a clean break as soon as possible.

Rainbowsandflowers78 Fri 19-Jan-18 02:56:39

You ask if it can save it - is that because underneath you still have some desire for that to happen or worry that it might do magic work and break your resolve to be with your affair?
Personally I think you owe it to your soon to be ex to go - you might find after the sessions he doesn’t want you back!
Do you have children? If yes then you NEED to go with the aim of working out how to resolve any anger etc and how to coparent your kids

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Fri 19-Jan-18 03:00:50

This is very odd. Are you actually asking whether counselling can save your marriage when you don’t want to save it? Can counselling change your mind, make you end the affair and try to be a good partner?

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 19-Jan-18 03:02:33

Counselling can help people end a relationship less acrimoniously. Important if you have children. But no, if saving the relationship is the goal, shagging someone else at the time isn't going to pan out.

niteandfog Fri 19-Jan-18 03:11:56

Yes we have one daughter. No, I don't want to save my marriage but sometimes I have doubts (I would most people do every now.and then). And we'll I haven't had sex with my AP for 6 weeks now... So I don't know if I would call that actively "shagging" . Our relationship is based more in how many "I love yous" we tell each other than anything else.

HipNewName Fri 19-Jan-18 04:18:02

I think it sounds like it could help end the marriage with less anger, and help the two of you figure out how to transition to co-parents. It also sounds like it might help your husband understand that the marriage is really over, and that you really are ending it.

Because of your DD, your husband will be in your life forever. I think it makes sense to figure out how to have the new phase of your relationship with him work as well as possible for your DD's sake.

AmberTopaz Fri 19-Jan-18 04:23:56

If my marriage was ending and my H wouldn’t even consider counselling I’d think that he wasn’t giving us a fair chance. So I guess it could be worth it just to show your H that you are trying, even if it doesn’t save the marriage?

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 19-Jan-18 04:25:31

What's an AP?

niteandfog Fri 19-Jan-18 04:29:54

AP = affair partner ... And I don't want to try? I want out... I've had enough I just want a fresh start and rebuild my life.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 19-Jan-18 04:41:44

How old is your child? And are you all capable of amicably working out the separation without too much conflict?

niteandfog Fri 19-Jan-18 04:46:05

We're actually fairly amicable, she's 7 btw. But he thinks that's there's still hope, he even wants to "date" me again. But I can only see that happening if he sorts himself out and becomes a different person. And of course me and my AP break up.

HipNewName Fri 19-Jan-18 05:16:29

He might be a lot less amicable when he realizes that you are leaving him for another man. (Even if you have told him, it doesn't sound like he's accepted it.)

niteandfog Fri 19-Jan-18 05:29:06

But he know the OM exists....but I'm not leaving my STBXH for him

NotAgainYoda Fri 19-Jan-18 05:48:02

Only to work out a separation. Possibly.

NotAgainYoda Fri 19-Jan-18 05:48:34

Ap - lovely. So cosy

TossDaily Fri 19-Jan-18 05:52:42

My XH and I did counselling at my insistence as he just would not accept the marriage was over.

It clarified my thoughts, for sure. The way he acted in there removed any vestigial doubts I may have had. The counsellor looked like she wanted to kick him in the shins once or twice grin

Still took another year to get rid of the bugger, though.

Angelf1sh Fri 19-Jan-18 06:31:45

You’re asking if marriage counselling can save your marriage even if you don’t want to save it and aren’t remotely committed to it. How could it? It’s not a program of brain washing!

Just pull the plug on this whole toxic mess once and for all.

AuntieStella Fri 19-Jan-18 06:35:27

Nothing will save a marriage when one person (ie you) actively wants to end it.

The way you are going about ending it strikes me as particularly unpleasant and hurtful though.

Can you not find a way to end it clearly and decisively?

tribpot Fri 19-Jan-18 06:37:38

It sounds like you want the counsellor to announce the relationship is doomed (a) so that you don't have to and (b) because he is more likely to believe a counsellor than he is you - it's an independent opinion, if you like.

But it's not really up to the counsellor to make that judgement. You could attend one session and be really clear from the outset that that's what you want, someone who can convince him the marriage is over. Perhaps it would be enough for him to hear you say that to a third party?

Rainbowsandflowers78 Fri 19-Jan-18 07:45:19

Be careful the grass is greener AP I can imagine this lovely romantic relationship in your head where you are both so desperately in love and are each other’s ‘true love’ - but it’s probably some idealised notion. How life will change between you once you are dealing with the fall out of leaving your marriage - an upset daughter, the mundane rubbish of who takes the bins out, whose turn is it to clean the bathroom

I think you should go - as I said before you owe it to your oh if he wants to. Can you imagine if you wanted to stay with someone and they wouldn’t even attend counselling. You should make clear from the outset though that you are doing it to help end the marriage more ameciably and to coparent rather than give him false hope.

ShatnersWig Fri 19-Jan-18 08:10:43

Oh God, it's you again OP.

I think it would benefit all posters to look at previous threads by this OP before commenting. You will be wasting your time, as everyone has on the previous threads about this ridiculous situation.

Crumbs1 Fri 19-Jan-18 08:14:08

How hurtful you are being to your husband. You should have done the honourable thing and left the marital home before having an affair. No counselling won’t work. He needs rid of you.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 19-Jan-18 08:41:26

Get mediation - so you can separate as amicably as possible.

midnightmisssuki Fri 19-Jan-18 09:10:59

confused please dont waste your husbands time OP - youve already moved on so i wouldnt bother with counselling.... if you ever loved your husband, let him have some dignity by making this divorce as clean as you can....

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