My OH and his outbursts

[BadGirlsareGoodSometimes]

I wasn't sure whether to post this thread, that I started this morning and have been updating during the day, but I have decided to...

I’m a regular poster but I’ve name changed for this post. If it helps to know, I am mid 40’s, and he is late-40’s and we have been together for 6 years but have known each other longer. I have no children of my own, and he has older teenagers who he shares custody with, who I love and get along with great.

Everything with mine and OH’s relationship is perfect while I’m being lovely sweet easy going and amenable but as soon as I’m unhappy about something or disagree about something (he has done/said/thinks) he has an angry outburst at me. Its like I don’t seem to be able to even share my opinion calmly with him without him over reacting.

Here’s the long (sorry!) back story:

OH discussed very shortly before Christmas wanting to buy one of those digital photo frames for the lounge. I said I really disliked them but if we could find a nice one (white or silver thin framed, looks more like a nice upmarket picture frame) then I would be okay having it in the kitchen. We agreed (I thought). I looked online for one (as it’s usually me that does those sorts of purchases - I’m more diligent at getting the best deal and enjoy a spot of online shopping) but didn’t find anything great or decent value so suggested we wait until the new year. Fast forward all of three weeks since Christmas and I’m away for the weekend just passed at a conference for work - while away we exchange the normal loving texts, precipitated by me saying how rubbish I feel as I’ve got a horrible fluey cold atm - and after the normal ‘hope you feel better’ stuff I get a text Saturday evening saying: oh, I was a bit naughty this weekend: look (with a photo of a small black plastic looking large edge framed digital photo frame, sat on the coffee table in the lounge with a wire trailing across the carpet). I replied Hmmm - I really dislike them. Think they’re tacky and the frame is specifically too large on that one. Yuck yuck yuck - waste of money honey xx (okay I overeacted but his message didn’t say anything about acknowledging my opinion on the frame, and was almost like a ‘stuff you, I bought it anyway’). I then added by separate text but it can live in the kitchen, with you! (intending to express my unhappiness with humour that he bought it without even discussing it with me). After thinking about it further and later on I texted: Anyway I thought we agreed I would buy a nice white one for the kitchen..?! Hmmm - I’m annoyed now as not an agreed purchase!. To which he replied: You stalled too long xx.

We exchanged further nice normal loving texts over the Sunday as I wasn’t due home until late that evening. We had discussed on Friday night (as I left crack of dawn Saturday morning) ordering a take away for us all to enjoy that Sunday night and I said I’d pick it up on my way home. We’d agreed what to get etc so that we could eat the leftovers on Monday evening as if I was still feeling rubbish I then wouldn’t need to cook for him and the kids (which I normally do). I collected the food and it wasn’t what we had discussed (less food) so I text him to ask why he hadn’t ordered what we had agreed to which he replied Just go with it. I am not great with (agreed) plans changing, which I admit, so I was annoyed about that.

I arrived home a few minutes after my text following a two hour drive, having felt horrendous all weekend to everyone sat on the sofa, no plates out ready to eat the hot food I had with me and a terse hello from OH. I sat down to eat and clearly wasn’t happy and smiley ( I was tired and feeling lousy from my cold) at which point I was demanded to change my attitude, as I was clearly not happy (I can’t remember his exact words). I said that no I was not happy and that I was annoyed but that was my prerogative. The kids (older teenagers) were trying to mediate but they could tell I was cross so they left it but he said ‘when the kids have gone and you and me are going to have words!’…

After the kids had returned home to their mums that night I was keen to clear the air so we could catch up on each other’s weekend’s and enjoy a nice relaxing loving evening so I calmly and without raising my voice said that I was annoyed about the frame as it hadn’t been discussed and I was annoyed about the food as he hadn’t explained why he didn’t order what we had discussed and agreed. I pointed out that I was allowed to be annoyed and should not be demanded to change my attitude at the dinner table in front of (his) the kids. I said we could keep the frame but asked could it be moved to the bookcase on the opposite wall as where it was sat was right in my peripheral vision when watching the tv and it was distracting seeing the shots changing on their random (tacky!) setting. He went to interrupt me (which HE HATES me doing to him so I asked him to respect me to finish speaking, which he did). However he then (and thanks for sticking it out this far!!) launched into a vitriolic verbally aggressive shouting attack at me - he stood up, so was effectively standing ‘over me’ while doing it while I (tried to remain) calmly sat on the sofa and gave him the respect of listening. He called me stupid and a ‘crazy woman’ and was very mean although I was so annoyed I don’t recall any other specific words/phrases he used. He then stormed into the kitchen before promptly going upstairs to our bedroom. I stayed downstairs watching tv as it was only just after 9pm and when his son came home around 10.30 he came down to speak to him but completely ignored me. I let him go up to bed and get settled and then went up and got into bed next to him. We didn’t talk this morning despite him knowing I was awake and he just left me in bed and went to work. I’d already discussed by text over the weekend how unwell I was feeling and that I was going to cancel my meetings Monday and stay in bed to recover. He was clearly still stewing so I texted him to say: Have a good day at work -. I’m having a much needed day in bed to recover from my stinking cold. I’ve cancelled my meetings. I need to say the following: Your lack of concern for how my cold was this morning was noted. Your childish petulance over me not approving of your new toy is indicative of your general behaviour. It’s like if I’m thinking, feeling and doing EXACTLY what you want then all is good with you and your world, but as soon as I step out of that (as is my absolute right!) you seem to throw all your toys out of the pram. I am so disappointed and hurt by your behaviour last night. I felt really poorly and tired and your lack of support and understanding felt extremely selfish. Shouting at me when I was calm and communicative with you was unpleasant and unnecessary to say the least. See you tonight when perhaps you’ll be able to consider my opinion as well as your own (for a change) xxx

His reply: We can both put our points across every time but it really does not seem to improve. Do you really think I want to get annoyed at you? Of course I don't, but you seem to draw it out which for me is a problem. Hope you feel better xx

I am so so upset about his reply (below) as it shows he does not take any responsibility for his behaviour. For him to say it is a problem, means in his speak, that it is a MAJOR problem and implies that he thinks our relationship is fundamentally flawed. I replied to that by texting: It’s a problem for me too. NO ONE makes you feel think or behave a certain way but YOU! You have control over yourself - no one else. You can choose how to respond - but you don’t choose... you react like you did last night. I have done a HUGE amount of personal development work on myself over the past few months (even acknowledged by you!) (Which I have! - I’m not perfect I know - I acknowledge my faults and will always apologise if I’m in the wrong). What have you done to deal with your shit..??! You need to deal with your shit yourself because I don’t believe I can do any more than I’ve done...and ‘annoyed’ is the most inaccurate explanation of your behaviour last night...!! Vitriolic, aggressive and angry is more appropriate from my perspective.

Over all our time together ‘this’ (him losing his shit with me over something fairly minor and making it ten times worse than it needs to be so I’m left upset and hurt and he is just angry and won’t communicate) has happened a good few times but it isn’t regular (maybe twice to three times a year). I’d say that’s more down to the fact that I bite my tongue rather alot though! Each time it happens he never takes any responsibility for his angry outburst - always blaming me for provoking him/causing him to react that way. He doesn’t apologise (although when he called me a bitch on one occasion he did apologise for that as I was really clear with him prior to that I hated that word) and we never move any further forward to me knowing what’s going on for him and therefore how to avoid it happening again. If I try to respond to him at the time he is engaging in the outburst it just escalates him even further and he is bordering on intimidating, so I obviously avoid doing this at all costs. The issues I have are as per my text to him.

If you have made it this far - thank you! I feel like I don’t know where to go from here. I sent him an email saying that I love him very much and very much want to resolve things, I don’t know what he wants me to do or what he wants from me and the relationship and that I’d like to talk when he is ready and that I’d wait for him to be ready and he can let me know when that is.

His reply:
And I love you too and we potentially have a great future together if we can sort this out. Ok plan below (which was that I would respect him having time to think before we talk) looks good, looks like Wednesday/Thursday evening will be best time to talk. You also need to tell me what you want from this relationship as it is not always clear to me

I mean – WT actual F??! ...he might be able to fit me in Wednesday or Thursday? We ‘potentially’ have a great future together’…? I would add that we have just finished doing up pretty much the whole house (his house, I moved in to)…so I didn’t think there was any way he would ever use the word ‘potential’!

I really really do love him - he’s funny, kind, thoughtful, and a caring supportive communicative man 99% of the time but I don’t want to keep going through this horrible situation where I’m not allowed to disagree with him etc, he gets angry and shouts at me and we don’t resolve it. We usually brush it under the carpet without resolution by ME apologising to him (not him to me) but I really don’t feel comfortable doing that again as it doesn't solve anything and especially as I believe he was played his part in this. Plus, I really would like for this to stop happening…for good.

As I’ve noted in my text to him - I’ve done lots of work on myself recently (partly due to my current career choice) but I know I’m not perfect. I was in an abusive relationship some years ago but I’m not a victim and I don’t believe I caused my ex to be aggressive towards me when he was (both verbally and physically). I’m at peace with that relationship (it was a long time ago) but to hear my current OH telling me I draw this type of behaviour out of him is so upsetting...

After a day alternating between frustration, anger and upset, I am stuck…I don’t know how I feel, or what I want, or what to do… (apart from a holiday somewhere warm!). I am now hiding in the bedroom on the pretext of being ill in bed (I am I suppose) as the kids are here.

I’m happy to have it pointed out to me where I went wrong in this situation (given the detail as described) and I really would value opinions from others on things that get blown out of proportion and how you stop that happening, or what strategies you have for moving forward as well as suggestions for how you think I should move forward with him now. Thank you all.

[offside]

Honestly OP, I felt your texts about he picture frame were goody. You continued to message until he responded.

It’s his house also and maybe he wanted to choose something to go in it (as you say, you’re usually the one who does all of this). Sometimes you have to put up with your DPs taste, even if you don’t like it, I know I do with my DH, like I’m sure he does with me.

He obviously shouldn’t have stood over you and berated you but it seems to me that if things aren’t done your way you seem to throw your toys out of the pram. Maybe you are both guilty of this.

I think your message in the morning was a big whingy and again goady.

I’m sure other posters will disagree with me but I don’t see you more s the instigator than him in this scenario. It’s probably not helped by the fact that you’re feeling poorly.

I hope you feel better soon.

[offside]

Goady not goody

[ScreamingValenta]

The concern here is that there appears to be a pattern of him verbally abusing you - you say he's called you a 'bitch' on occasion, and stands over you in a threatening way when he is shouting.

The 'you and I are going to have words' sounds like a 1950s father to a naughty child - does he usually use this sort of language to you?

Buying a photo frame you didn't like is minor compared to this; ditto getting the wrong takeaway food - it's the verbal violence that would worry me. I think your text to him about the photo frame was harsh and a bit childish, but this in no way justifies his behaviour.

Unless he is prepared to acknowledge that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable and dangerous, and actively to seek help, I would struggle to imagine a future with this man. The danger is that this might escalate into physical abuse. I think you should start looking at other options.

[BadGirlsareGoodSometimes]

Thank you Offside; I agree about my texts. They were goady. Regarding the frame - yes, he can choose what he likes in his house but we had already discussed and agreed that we’d get a nice white one for the kitchen. I noted this morning The Frame had disappeared...

ScreamingValenta - thank you for your opinion, you’ve voiced my concerns...

[Quartz2208]

You communicate too much over text to be honest and then when you do talk seem to get into a passive aggressive/aggressive response.

Your seem to think that you were calm but to be honest you can be aggressive without volume

[Mooncuplanding]

You would have wound me up moaning about how ill you are and controlling what I buy

He is out of order retailiating so aggressively

Six of one, half a dozen of the other IMO

[LemonShark]

I can kinda see both sides, it's annoying in a partnership to have one side just go and buy something the other has clearly said they don't want in their space, but it's also frustrating as the other partner not to be able to decorate as you wish!

It seems his beef is that it drags on? If you'd rang him as soon as you got the message to discuss it and get it aired right away would that have helped things at all?

His behaviour is utterly unacceptable and only you can decide whether to tolerate it or not. I notice you're in a position where he has the power right now (the shouting and aggression and being the one to not so subtly say 'potentially we have a good future" and act so casually about when to meet to talk), yet he's the one who blew up, while you're the one in the weak position trying to solve it and wanting to stay with him. I wouldn't be surprised if it's a symptom of a much bigger issue like he's unhappy or realised it's not what he wants to be together, did you just move in recently? As sometimes it takes cohabitation to realise you're just not right to be together every day.

It's concerning. Maybe he feels pecked away at too. The length of your post suggests you can be quite wordy and maybe a bit forceful at getting your point across and driving something to a conclusion, which other personalities don't always mesh well with.

[BadGirlsareGoodSometimes]

Quartz2208 - yes we do most of our stuff by text when I’m away as he doesn’t like talking on the phone out of work and I respect that. I don’t believe I’ve been aggressive though

[BadGirlsareGoodSometimes]

Mooncuplanding - I agree it’s 6/6 but I’m prepared to discuss/compromise/apologise and I just don’t think he is

Lemonshark - thank you for your interesting and helpful views

[lucylouuu]

I really don't think the photo frame warrants a big argument or you continuously messaging him. I think they're tacky too but it's a photo frame and not worth arguing about.
Same with the takeaway, I understand you were tired and poorly and therefore easily annoyed but could you have just rung him when you were there and asked him if he'd forgotten something? and if it was one or two small things missing is it really a big deal? if you needed it that much you could've ordered the missing item(s) and waited. It does seem like it's turned into a massive argument over nothing.

however him standing over you, saying " we're going to have words " calling you a bitch and being verbally is horrible and you had done nothing wrong to warrant that behaviour at-all and you definitely need to speak ( in person ) about that!

[Quartz2208]

Not being there I cant tell - what I am saying though is that volume of voice (which is the main indicator I think in people thinking that people are being aggressive) - shouting gives the impression of someone being more angry.

Aggression however is feeling of anger resulting in hostile behaviour with a readiness to attack or confront: with that can you honestly say you were as calm as you were. Your text are definitely hostile (calm yes but hostile)

He has anger issues definitely but I think you both have communication issues, and I think you can only both see how the other is treating you without any perception of your own behaviour.

[Quartz2208]

Not being there I cant tell - what I am saying though is that volume of voice (which is the main indicator I think in people thinking that people are being aggressive) - shouting gives the impression of someone being more angry.

Aggression however is feeling of anger resulting in hostile behaviour with a readiness to attack or confront: with that can you honestly say you were as calm as you were. Your text are definitely hostile (calm yes but hostile)

He has anger issues definitely but I think you both have communication issues, and I think you can only both see how the other is treating you without any perception of your own behaviour.

[Quartz2208]

Not being there I cant tell - what I am saying though is that volume of voice (which is the main indicator I think in people thinking that people are being aggressive) - shouting gives the impression of someone being more angry.

Aggression however is feeling of anger resulting in hostile behaviour with a readiness to attack or confront: with that can you honestly say you were as calm as you were. Your text are definitely hostile (calm yes but hostile)

He has anger issues definitely but I think you both have communication issues, and I think you can only both see how the other is treating you without any perception of your own behaviour.

[ScreamingValenta]

OP, you might find this book of help - it describes typical behaviours of abusive men - it might help you determine whether your partner's behaviour is following a pattern:

www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/289845/why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/9780425191651/

[Quartz2208]

Not being there I cant tell - what I am saying though is that volume of voice (which is the main indicator I think in people thinking that people are being aggressive) - shouting gives the impression of someone being more angry.

Aggression however is feeling of anger resulting in hostile behaviour with a readiness to attack or confront: with that can you honestly say you were as calm as you were. Your text are definitely hostile (calm yes but hostile)

He has anger issues definitely but I think you both have communication issues, and I think you can only both see how the other is treating you without any perception of your own behaviour.

[Quartz2208]

Not being there I cant tell - what I am saying though is that volume of voice (which is the main indicator I think in people thinking that people are being aggressive) - shouting gives the impression of someone being more angry.

Aggression however is feeling of anger resulting in hostile behaviour with a readiness to attack or confront: with that can you honestly say you were as calm as you were. Your text are definitely hostile (calm yes but hostile)

He has anger issues definitely but I think you both have communication issues, and I think you can only both see how the other is treating you without any perception of your own behaviour.

[Quartz2208]

Not being there I cant tell - what I am saying though is that volume of voice (which is the main indicator I think in people thinking that people are being aggressive) - shouting gives the impression of someone being more angry.

Aggression however is feeling of anger resulting in hostile behaviour with a readiness to attack or confront: with that can you honestly say you were as calm as you were. Your text are definitely hostile (calm yes but hostile)

He has anger issues definitely but I think you both have communication issues, and I think you can only both see how the other is treating you without any perception of your own behaviour.

[Quartz2208]

Sorry I had posting issues!

[BadGirlsareGoodSometimes]

lucylouuu - neither do I ^ and that’s not what the argument is about. It’s over him just not accepting that I was tired poorly and annoyed at the dinner table and that was my prerogative. I would honestly have left it there had it not been for his angry outburst

[BadGirlsareGoodSometimes]

ScreamingValenta thank you for the book link. Having been with an abusive partner before there are no other similarities in my current relationship apart from these occasional angry outbursts, and I really want to resolve this with my OH.

Thank you all for your comments thus far - I am gaining some (much better and needed) perspective on my own actions which will really help for when we do discuss it

[NormaNameChange]

Perhaps not openly ggresive but provocative and needlessly goady. Reads passive aggressive to me.

What was wrong with something like an "oh bugger, you bought tacky black plastic, honey! Going to have to find somewhere to put that now - perhaps in your office at work? :) good job I love you despute your love of tat"

I would find you immensely frustating, painfully putting across your point in a passive agressive, laboured way over and oh yes, over again. Im sorry.

I can almost hear his frustration in his texts.

That said. His behaviour towards you in person was utterly inappropriate.

My suggestion is that you both need some help to learn how to communicate - both in person and over text if its your primary vehicle for it during the day.

[lucylouuu]

i completely get that! I think he was completely inconsiderate especially in the morning when he stormed off to work. he should look after you and I hope you feel better soon

[greenlanes]

I came on to this thread to say how dreadful and I still will do, but to you. God God. He sounds a. Saint to put up with your nonsense, just awful. I don't know where to begin. You sound beyond comprehending how picky and judgmental you are. Let the poor man go and start a new life.

[Rumpledfaceskin]

Sounds like he has a a bit of an anger problem and you are hyper critical (it’s hard to acknowledge this). And you’re both bad communicators. From his POV he hasn’t seen his parter all weekend and you have come home and done nothing but criticise him. Doesn’t excuse him shouting horrid insults though. Shouting wouldn’t necessarily bother me if my dh was making valid observations about how my behaviour had hurt him or been out of order but calling you crazy and stupid would ring alarm bells.

[stickytoffeevodka]

You massively overreacted with regards to the picture frame. It's his home too - why shouldn't he be allowed to buy something to put in the lounge? If DP told me I couldn't buy something with my money because it was "tacky and not an agreed purchase" I would be hugely pissed off. You might not like them, but you don't get to control what he spends his money on, and what he puts in his own home (so long as it's not illegal).

I also agree with a PP that you do seem to talk a LOT about really quite minor issues. So he got up for work and left you in bed - your text was really long-winded! Why not just wait until he got home that night? Why start a row over text when you're not feeling well and he's gone to work? It's not going to achieve anything.

But he shouldn't be calling you a bitch, shouting over you or leaning over you in the way he did. That's not acceptable regardless of any of the above issues.

Try and communicate about issues in person - text arguments are never a good idea and it's so easy to read things wrong. And if something minor happens, try not to get into an argument about it. So, he bought a gadget you don't like - does it really matter? Is it really worth bickering over for that long?