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Accepting being single forever

(160 Posts)
teaandcakeat8 Sat 06-Jan-18 12:04:12

I'm in late twenties and have been single for over two years, apart from a few few month things that never really got into 'relationship' stage. Last one ended just before Christmas.

I genuinely think that I am supposed to be alone forever. I see most of my friends meet men they like, the men like them back and that's it. They get together. For me, there are always complications that mean it doesn't happen. So I think this is the way I'm destined to be.

Have tried to go back OLD since Christmas but my heart isn't in it; am still in brief contact with ex and no one really measures up to him.

I feel like I'm now too old to find someone. I just want some advice on how to come to terms with this, as I'm feeling really lonely and down about it. I keep crying and just feel helpless really.

NewYearNiki Sat 06-Jan-18 12:06:20

I'm almost 10 years older and in that boat.

When you are 39 you will realise how much possibility lay before you and how young you were at 29.

Get off your arse and do something about it.

Internet dating. Join gym, sport, hobby, anything that gets you meeting new people .

It is exactly what I wish I had done 10 years ago.

Battleax Sat 06-Jan-18 12:07:11

Why on earth would late twenties be too old to meet someone?

If that's a genuine belief then you probably need some counselling or MH input.

What else is going on in your life? Career? Family? Housing?

MarshaBradyo Sat 06-Jan-18 12:09:02

Don’t give up, you’re young. Try to find enjoyment in other things and meet people.

NewYearNiki Sat 06-Jan-18 12:09:30

Oh I held that belief.

I worked with a load of married young women at that age and they said outright once you're 30 you'll have to.go older as it will be hard to meet someone.

I was daft enough to listen.

Battleax Sat 06-Jan-18 12:11:38

That's outlandish Niki shock

Glad you escaped wink

teaandcakeat8 Sat 06-Jan-18 12:11:46

I've tried older men and haven't had any luck with that either! They'll stick around for a couple of months then lose interest.

All my friends are coupled or married so they're not really into doing stuff together anymore.

Weekdays are fine because I can work late and distract myself but I hate hate hate weekends! I haven't even got the motivation to get out of bed yet because I feel so rubbish and lonely.

tigerrun Sat 06-Jan-18 12:12:25

You are still so young & have plenty of time to meet someone! Also if you are still in love with your ex then give yourself time to get over that & enjoy all the brilliant stuff about being single/focus on yourself for a bit.

teaandcakeat8 Sat 06-Jan-18 12:14:55

What else is going on in my life...

Family - they are difficult, not nearby and we don't get on at all. Narcissistic parents and not close to siblings.

Housing - I share a nice flat with my friend BUT she recently got into a relationship and she hasn't been home for three months. I don't like living alone but she doesn't want to get off the lease.

Career - fine, I have a good job but all my colleagues are married and think I'm weird.

Am considering relocating possibly.

teaandcakeat8 Sat 06-Jan-18 12:15:59

I'm not in love with my ex, we only dated a few months, but I liked him a lot and I'm disappointed that it didn't work out again because at first it was going great. Feel like maybe he was my last chance.

NewYearNiki Sat 06-Jan-18 12:17:32

It might be possible you are coming across as unhappy in your self which is not attractive.

Try a break. Join a hobby, yoga, take up cycling, join an activity at weekends, maybe climbing.

Travel on solo holidays with like minded people with companies like explore or exodus.

Be happy in yourself and have things to talk about on dates will be a huge boost.

teaandcakeat8 Sat 06-Jan-18 12:20:32

I just feel like I've done all the single people things and they don't work.

I have hobbies, I keep fit, I'm not unattractive physically, I've been on solo holidays. I'm good at 'being single'. But I don't enjoy it.

formerbabe Sat 06-Jan-18 12:20:35

Honestly op, you are being ridiculously dramatic.

A couple of years is nothing...and you're still young. No need to consign yourself to the shelf just yet!

DaphneduM Sat 06-Jan-18 12:21:35

You are young, still!!! Your man will come along for you when you're least expecting it. In the meantime, distract yourself at the weekends with little treats, maybe shopping and coffee out, a manicure, nice food, some good films. Trust me, it will happen for you. It sounds as though you actually still need a bit of time to get over your ex too. I gave myself a couple of years (bad marriage, don't ask!!) to get my head straight and met the love of my life, who started just by being friendly, through work. I was 41.

Sosog00d Sat 06-Jan-18 12:28:13

oh OP - dont write yourself off ... that attitude is pervasive and i swear that people can sense it.

I understand because i am single following a dreadful marriage. i have three kids, etc etc. However i think there probably still is someone out there for me. I just need to work on myself more.

So at the grand old age of 29, you're far from on the shelf. Believe good things will happen and trust that sometimes, it will be when you least expect it.

Give yourself time to grieve. I sometimes think we want everything far too quickly, be better, heal, lose weight etc. Sometimes the slower, the better, because it allows us to form habits and adjust .

MoralBeryl Sat 06-Jan-18 12:30:11

Pfft. Late twenties and putting yourself permanently on the shelf?

Dating can be a numbers game. You have to put yourself out there. There’s unlikely to be anything about you that would make all potential matches fail.

My DH was late twenties when we met. He’d renewed his OLD membership ‘one last time’ and then, bingo. I knew I’d marry him by the end of our first date.

My previous OLDs had been...well, I typically made my excuses after 45 minutes. No point wasting anybody’s time.

bert3400 Sat 06-Jan-18 12:31:03

I don't want to seem rude but you come across as really depressed and miserable. And who wants to be with someone like that . Concentrate on making YOURSELF happy and content... you need to snap out of this downward spiral of woe is me . Go traverlling , learn a language or new skill . Stop focusing on what you don't have & start thinking positively. I didn't meet my husband until I was 31 .

teaandcakeat8 Sat 06-Jan-18 12:33:33

Ha I've two first OLDS where at the end I've thought the person was 'the one'.

But we dated for a few months then it ended.

So I'm massively cynical now and I know it.

Battleax Sat 06-Jan-18 12:34:59

Relocation might not be such a bad idea. Or a new workplace.

You obvious feel a bit stuck.

Battleax Sat 06-Jan-18 12:35:10

Obviously.

CarysMa Sat 06-Jan-18 12:36:59

I'm 20 years older nearly and I haven't completely given up!
cliché but you need to date yourself for a while. What are your values, interests, passions? Do you have an attachment style that is working against you? my parents were simultaneously ''not that in to me'' in that the never validated my feelings or opinions but they were also too in to me in terms of being very controlling. I only figured out the impact this had on my non existent love life fairly recently. You still have so much time to figure it all out. Stop crying and start researching everything from self-esteem to attachment styles to finding your passion. Don't be afraid to ''waste'' a year by going travelling. Or ''waste'' a year by trying something new. You have definitely got time to veer off course if it benefits your level of contentment and your insight in to life. I was always afraid to take a risk when I was your age. I was so terrified I wouldn't find another job. But how likely was it that a 29 year old searching hard for a job would not eventually find one! Don't be scared to take a risk if it's a risk that its paying off would make you extremely happy and energized.

teaandcakeat8 Sat 06-Jan-18 12:39:48

Sorry I don't mean to come across as rude.. but I can't stand the 'knew on our first date my husband would be the one' brigade. Because I have had first dates like this, and it's been wonderful for a while, but even turned into a relationship, and this is what makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

The crux of my problem is, I've experienced meeting people I had a real connection with, but it's literally never ever worked out for me.
So I am hugely cynical that it will.

teaandcakeat8 Sat 06-Jan-18 12:40:23

*never turned into a relationship!

Stupid phone.

NurseButtercup Sat 06-Jan-18 12:45:17

Op I understand how you feel, everybody else is coupled up and you are on your own feeling like Billy No mates. Its a bit shit and it can be hard to keep motivating yourself to do stuff on your own.

If you're not up to doing OLD just for fun and going on random dates, then make yourself busy.

I'd like to suggest that you find a new hobby and set yourself a challenge. Learn to sew, cook, bake, swim rivers, write a blog, run a half marathon, do the three peaks, do an iron man do something to get yourself active and keep you busy. You will feel so much better about yourself and be less focused on your single status. Be kind to yourself xx

MoralBeryl Sat 06-Jan-18 12:45:49

Don’t get me wrong, I had 2 long term (2 years and 7 years) relationships first. I thought marriage might be on the cards with both of them. You can get it wrong, but that doesn’t mean you might be right eventually!

I guess I’m just a diehard romantic. Sorry.

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