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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I think I'm finally leaving my EA and gaslighter husband?!

87 replies

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 17:10

I am not even sure what's happening right now. Sorry if this is ling

Today wasn't even nearly as bad as most days are when he gets going. We had a big falling out a few weeks ago which resulted in him smashing my phone to pieces, threatening to stab me, throwing raw eggs at me one by one, and who knows what else I am trying to clear my mind of it. During this episode he started to yell "I need help, I need help" and immediately called a therapist to make an appointment (first time ever, he has always refused) and spend the next 3 days crying his heart out because I'd told him I can't do this anymore and had left to my parents house with our 3 dc.

He cried so much (in 12 years this is the first time, he usually responds to everything with anger) that I truly thought this was the first real step to change and getting him help. He needs it.

But within a week he kept saying he didn't see th point, the connection was gone (because I hadn't had sex with him or cuddled... obviously I was still feeling traumatized by his recent antics) and why should he be nice to me when we have nothing in common and I have no ambition, among other things. I really thought he was just feeling hurt as my parents had found out my situation and he needed some time to figure out how to make it up to me.

Fast forward 3 weeks and here I still am with his attitude the same. He has called me a stupid bitch, fucking cunt, you name it during these weeks and today when he said he said it's pointless that we are together I said no problem I will leave to my parents. I left quick enough that I didn't give him too much time to overreact, though he spat out some things such as "oooh divorcing me because I'm not nice enough?" Or "running to mommy and daddy so quick?" So here I am, dc with me but I don't even know if he will want them tomorrow, I realize he has a right to them also.

I don't even know what I'm feeling. Sad, relieved, bad that he didn't try harder after how sad he was. He needs help. But I can't keep doing this. I called my lawyer just now and left a voicemail. I've seen her to talk separation once before.

OP posts:

Report

GlitterSparkles17 · 05/01/2018 17:19

So after his big revelation that he’s never done before he STILL went back to his old ways. That tells you everything you need to know. He will never change. You’ve done the best thing by leaving, concentrate on sorting a nice new home for you and your DC that will be filled with love and happiness not fear.

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 17:19

Sorry for the typos I am using my phone and also should mention I am not in the UK and so we do not have Women's aid here.

OP posts:

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 17:20

Yes glitter that is just it!! He had so much raw emotion I'd never seen before I thought surely this means he does care and will get the help he truly needs... but here we are yet again. I am so disappointed in him it breaks my heart.

OP posts:

user764329056 · 05/01/2018 17:25

Keep going in the right direction, don’t look back, this is damaging you and your children, your parents sound supportive, use that support, make this happen, you won’t regret it, you WILL regret staying with such an unstable, abusive man, honestly get out of this poisonous relationship, it will get worse

BougieQueen · 05/01/2018 17:27

They generally don't change - better to LTB. You'll be much better for it and life is too short to be miserable.

suchislife44 · 05/01/2018 17:39

Do not look back. You are not responsible for hid behaviour or choices. He needs to help himself. You deserve so much more and now have the opportunity to curate a healthy life for yourself and your children. Well done for seeing the situation for what it is. You can do this.

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 17:50

Thank you all for the encouragement. I'm quite afraid of what he may try to pull when it comes to our kids. Try to take them from me or something.

OP posts:

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 05/01/2018 17:58

Do not look back. Please don't. Stay strong for yourself and your beautiful children. He is a monster.

GlitterSparkles17 · 05/01/2018 18:02

Try and only communicate via text/email that way everything is traceable and if he tries to say he hasn’t said something regarding the kids and his access days it’s there in black and white, narcs and abusers love to make you feel like your crazy.

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 18:07

He hasn't said a word to me yet and it's been a couple of hours. He usually blows my phone up with texts. The silence is a bit worrying.

OP posts:

Mitzimaybe · 05/01/2018 18:09

He will probably act all upset and devastated again, to get you back again, and then it will start all over again. You know that, don't you? He is verbally abusive AND physically violent. Last time he threw eggs at you, next time it could be something much more dangerous. He has threatened to stab you. Please believe him.

Have you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft?

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 18:14

With a bit of luck he's topped himself. Best all round really.

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 18:21

anyfucker you just made me grin - something not so easy to do these days.

He just messaged me. I had asked him if he was staying at the house or leaving to the town he works in (about an hours distance, he commutes) because he said he would leave earlier so the kids and I could go home. He works shiftwork. 4 on 4 off. He is on day 2 off.

He said "I'm here hun"

Playing nice already.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 18:25

You don't think I'm serious ?

Cut him out of your life, love. He is toxic and won't ever change. Strap yourself in and arm yourself because he will try every trick in the book now. Resist them all. The nice, the nasty and the suicide threats.

pudding21 · 05/01/2018 18:27

I had similar things with mny ex in the lad up to leaving him. He was totally confused when I told him i was done and moving out that weekend. Even though he'd lived through what i'd lived through, you know, he'd been a total shit, behaved like a twat and was bullied me daily. 11 months on he still can't work out why I left. My point, these men don't change easily. Be prepared for a stormy ride, he went to pieces when I left. Good luck, its the right decision. i mean who throws eggs at someone they are supposed to love, on top of everything else!

Big tip: write everything down. It'll help if you EVER wobble.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 18:33

Throwing eggs at someone is designed to debase and humiliate.

Disgusting behaviour from someone supposed to love you.

Honestly, there is no love for you in that person. He hates women and he hates himself even more. You cannot change someone like that.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 05/01/2018 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 19:03

These threads make me so fucking angry for the OP. Yes I get angry too but never ever enough to humiliate anyone by throwing eggs at them or anything else for that matter! how can people treat those they are supposed to care for this way? Bet he's never thrown anything at someone at work.......

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 19:07

That's because he would get his arse kicked if he did

These men are weak and cowardly inadequates

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 19:13

Nail on head there I think, AF

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 19:18

If my daughter got csught up with a guy like this, I would arrange for him to have his knee caps dislocated

It's the only thing these pricks understand

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 19:29

Thank you all for the support. Lord knows I'm going to need it. He has already gotten me with the suicide threats, a few weeks back with his big melt down. I feel sad for him, he truly believes it's me who brings him down. And maybe I do, but if that's the case then my leaving should be a relief for him and not something to go batshit crazy about.

I'm tired of being tormented. Yet somehow still so sad that we are in this place in our lives, he was so lovely for the few years that I keep wishing he would go back to that happy go lucky guy.

OP posts:

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AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 19:35

Save your misplaced tomanticism for yourself and your kids. It will be your downfall.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 19:35

*romanticism

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/01/2018 19:37

"he was so lovely for the few years that I keep wishing he would go back to that happy go lucky guy"

That will never happen because that act of his was a mirage designed purely and simply to draw you into his dysfunctional world. If you were to think about it some more you would probably come to the conclusion that the nice times were solely on his terms alone and became fewer and further between. He was never a happy go lucky guy at all, it was an act.

As AF rightly states cut him out of your life as of now. He will simply try and drag you down further with him otherwise.

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