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How do you know...?

(42 Posts)
Cluelessclutz Mon 18-Dec-17 18:53:17

...when you’re right for each other?

We’ve been together almost a year, he’s my first relationship in a very long while (ex put me off men big time!).

We generally get on well, as do our kids...we have a similar sense of humour, enjoy our time together and we have a great sex life.

Now here’s the but...
I’m concerned he’s controlling. We don’t communicate well...he shuts down and basically refuses to speak to me/leaves. We’re good whilst I keep my opinions to myself but the minute I dare to say something is when it all goes wrong. It’s silly things...but he can’t ever accept any fault. I know I’m not perfect, far from actually...but I feel like it’s his way or the highway which I hate. His ex accused him of being controlling so it’s definitely something that concerns me (although she’s another kettle of fish!)

Any thoughts? Thanks in advance

naughtybutnicey Mon 18-Dec-17 19:07:29

You've a huge red flag there. He is controlling. You're not allowed an opinion without it 'all going wrong'.

Is this the right kind of man for you? There is your answer.

Cluelessclutz Mon 18-Dec-17 19:28:02

Thanks for the reply. I completely appreciate what you’re saying but I’m concerned that l play a big part in the miscommunication. I know I’m defensive and have my guard up but it just feels like he becomes someone else when we butt heads.

Smeaton Mon 18-Dec-17 19:30:43

How do you think you miscommunicate?

What was your last argument / strop about?

mindutopia Mon 18-Dec-17 19:33:17

I think you know you're right for each other when you truly enjoy being together, and you aren't worried about it all because he's controlling and you can't communicate. Stresses and communication problems, if they pop up, in a solid, happy relationship should pop up years down the line, not this early on. And you should never be questioning if someone is too controlling. If it's right, at this stage, it shouldn't be this hard.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 18-Dec-17 19:33:34

Abuse is about power and control; its not about communication or a perceived lack of.

Time to give him the boot as of now. Your children do not need to see this controlling example of a potential stepfather to them in their lives either.

His ex accused him too of being controlling; the common denominator here is him. You cannot excuse this because he will drag you and in turn your children down with him. Red flags here are a flying a plenty.

If you were to read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft he would be in there.

Cluelessclutz Mon 18-Dec-17 19:49:48

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate your opinions. I know i sound like I’m making excuses...

We fell out because I was pissed off that he sat down with a brew whilst I tidied up after tea. This sounds pathetic i know, it was. So instead of acknowledging how I felt, he refused to speak to me then left. We haven’t spoken since.

Smeaton Mon 18-Dec-17 19:51:50

I think I'd be pissed off too if there was tidying to do and someone just sat with a cuppa. I'd be more pissed of if they then gave me the silent treatment like a child.

ferriswheel Mon 18-Dec-17 19:53:53

Huge, huge red flag. Waving right at you. It doesn't need to sound big. The fact it isn't big and feels so wrong is your answer.

Rainbowandraindrops67 Mon 18-Dec-17 19:56:41

Big red flag. These issues are only going to get worse as you get more involved and/or have kids. It’s not what he did (sitting down with tea) it’s that he lacks communication skills and arguement resolution skills. If his ex says he was controlling then he prob is.

Cluelessclutz Mon 18-Dec-17 20:05:34

It’s like the leaving thing...he knows I hate it but it’s his way of controlling the situation I suppose.

I know the disagreement sounds petty...it was...but it’s just his disregard for me that irritated me. I’d never dream of doing that. He has form for it though...and says that i do things for him covertly because I expect something in return.

The ironic thing is he thinks he’s so emotionally intelligent...when actually, it seems he doesn’t have a clue.

Rainbowandraindrops67 Mon 18-Dec-17 20:07:39

Leaving the room is basically stonewalling you - which gives you no way to communicate with him

The disagreement is minor but the pattern of arguing isn’t. He’ll do the same over an important issue too.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Mon 18-Dec-17 20:09:22

"We're good if I keep my opinions to myself"
Yikes.
Maybe his ex has a point?

Cluelessclutz Mon 18-Dec-17 20:14:19

I’m just concerned that the miscommunication is partly my fault. He knew what the issue was last night...I knew there was zero point discussing it as it wouldn’t end well...so he turned it around. He said I was creating bad feeling and spoiling the evening then refused to speak to me again which when I persued him (I was irritated that he was now ignoring me even though it was me who felt pissed off) he stormed off. I’m embarrassed by how childish this sounds written down but I really need another perspective as I have a tendency to blame myself.

Smeaton Mon 18-Dec-17 20:22:23

Don't blame yourself OP.

It should have been a case if get everything tidy, then both have a cuppa.
Now because he's a lazy arse, you got annoyed and because you got annoyed he got defensive and blamed you.. When really what he should have done is apologised, helped, then had a cuppa. Its all his actions, not yours.

Cluelessclutz Mon 18-Dec-17 20:26:07

Thank you for your replies. When I think about it, there’s so many red flags and so many things I just let go for an easy life. It really shouldn’t be this hard to communicate should it? I think in his previous relationship, she put up and shut up to maintain a lifestyle she enjoyed.

Gerbil17 Mon 18-Dec-17 20:29:23

Yep. He sounds like a dick.
He is doing wrong, you are reacting and hes ignoring his wrong doing by focusing on your reaction and making out he has done nothing.

Mind fuck.

Bluntness100 Mon 18-Dec-17 20:36:11

I do think there is a lack of communication here.

Plenty of people don't clean up straight after dinner. In fact there are reams of threads on it. I've no idea why someone has posted like there is some rule you need to tidy up before a cup of tea.

Do you have an agreement on when to tidy up? Ultimately there is nothing wrong with siting having a cup of tea first. There is no rule that says rhe person who wishes to tidy before sitting down is the right one.

So in this argument, what was the agreement on tidying up?

Cluelessclutz Mon 18-Dec-17 20:38:41

There was no agreement...but we were at my house and I needed to get the dc’s in bed with it being a school night.

Smeaton Mon 18-Dec-17 20:40:04

Bluntness

Imagine you're in Weymouth, wandering the beaches perhaps, looking out across the sea, hearing the gulls and the tide... Peaceful.. Tranquil.. Calm.
Now imagine the point is in Edinburgh and you were supposed to meet it at 8...
Too bad, you've missed the point by many many miles.

Its not about who agreed to do what and when blah blah.
The point is OP was annoyed, justifiably, and instead of dealing with it like a mature hi!an, he tried to turn it back on op, stonewalled and behaved like a petulent child.

Runningwithscissors12 Mon 18-Dec-17 20:40:26

know the disagreement sounds petty

If he can't accept the little things then the relationship is very rocky

JessYouMe Mon 18-Dec-17 20:41:49

The way you know they're right is you never have to ask the question 'how do you know if they're right...?'

Cluelessclutz Mon 18-Dec-17 20:53:20

I know it really shouldn’t be this hard this early on. So what do I do now? I hate that i love him and this feels so crap.

Cluelessclutz Mon 18-Dec-17 20:53:53

Ps. Thank you for your replies. I appreciate you taking the time.

Liara Mon 18-Dec-17 20:56:07

You know when you feel that when you are with him you like yourself more than at any other time, when you feel that you can just be yourself without any inhibitions and you will not only be accepted, but appreciated for who you truly are, flaws and all.

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