Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

AIBU re dp going away on his own for xmas

(127 Posts)
SingSam Mon 18-Dec-17 10:44:24

we have only been going out around 7 months. Dp hates xmas and I can understand that. He was adopted and he had a very difficult childhood. He does not enjoy Xmas and I understand his feelings on this. He is in his 50s, has no kids and feels absolutely no compunction for hanging around for xmas.

We had planned to go away together on boxing day but had a massive fight around a week ago where we agreed we would split up. I expect it was actually the pressure of Xmas plans getting to both of us. I too did not have an easy childhood but have 2 kids now so I do make an effort at xmas for them. My mum died last year so I also feel v sad at xmas.

When we split up, I cancelled the holiday because I would have lost all the money on it (I paid for this one, he paid for the last one). It sent him an email and once he saw it was cancelled, he booked to go away over the whole period.

Dp is a very nice guy but he also acknowledges that he gets quite jealous and he fully holds his hands up to that. I am not a jealous person at all by nature.

We got back together a few days ago and last night he sat down and told me he had booked this holiday. It's to go ski-ing. I don't ski at all, never have, never will and I also have the kids for half the time he's away (who also don't ski) so there is no chance I could go with him (and it is also over Xmas and we have planned meals out with family that have been pre paid etc.).

It is on a ski course and he told me it is normally a load of single blokes and sometimes couples because who else goes away over xmas (it's from the 22nd to the 31st). He doesn't want to cancel it because he loves skiing but also because he just doesn't want to be here at xmas.

There are 2 meals which were prepaid for which he's not coming to but one place has been filled and the other, the place said they would refund me so I've not lost out on any money. I've lost money on the flights as those were non refundable but didn't lose on the hotel as I cancelled just in time. We were going away from the 26th to the 2nd.

He's just called me to say that he's got the list of the people on the course and bar one married couple and one bloke, the rest all appear to be single women and they are staying in a chalet together from the 22nd to the 31st. He has said if it was me, going away on a holiday on my own with a load of single blokes, he would not be happy at all and he doubts he would put up with it. But he loves me loads, he really just wants to go ski-ing and wants to avoid Xmas etc. etc.

I really don't know how to think about this. We've only just got back together and I understand why he booked it. And why shouldn't he go skiing if xmas makes him so miserable but i think it's the fact that if the tables were turned, there is no way I could go away like this and continue the relationship so it feels very double standardish.

Tinselistacky Mon 18-Dec-17 10:46:27

Wish him a lovely holiday and suggest he gets in touch if /when he is ready for a proper adult relationship. Not loving Christmas is no excuse for the way he has behaved.

heron98 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:48:56

I am going away on my own at Christmas and I have been with my DP for 7 years and we have a very happy relationship.

I think it's perfectly fine for him to do this, especially if the trip is booked.

CremeFresh Mon 18-Dec-17 10:49:27

He's goading you by saying there will be single women there. Dump him , things like this will continue if you stay with him. He's playing mind games - you don't need this shit.

TwitterQueen1 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:49:38

I'm not getting any feelings of love or compatibility or sharing or caring for each other here OP. He sounds selfish and set in his ways. You don't sound as though you love him much. If I were you I'd move on and find someone else.

Twitchingdog Mon 18-Dec-17 10:50:03

I think he is telling you he is going to temper or even may cheat . This man does not care about you and your feeling around Christmas. He only cars about his own and as he had a load of Christmas and not seemed help for his issues I would forget about him and move on

Tinselistacky Mon 18-Dec-17 10:50:29

If he knew he would be no company at this time he shouldn't have let you book +pay for a trip!!Selfish and very immature.

CremeFresh Mon 18-Dec-17 10:50:41

I'm also not sure if a holiday company would give out names of other people , would they ?

SingSam Mon 18-Dec-17 10:52:58

yes, it's a ski-ing course thing so they share the names of the people for contact purposes in the chalet (for things like arranging transfers together as they are not included etc.). He isn't goading me, he is being totally upfront about it (in that sense!) as I've seen the document from the ski place. (I know nothing about ski-ing and how this works but it seems this is how it works)

MyBrilliantDisguise Mon 18-Dec-17 10:56:05

Oh tell him to bugger off. If he's still miserable about Christmas at that age and spiteful enough to book a singles holiday when he's dating you, then tell him to sod off and not to bother coming back.

MorrisZapp Mon 18-Dec-17 10:56:14

Seems odd that he doesn't feel sociable at Christmas yet spends presumably a pretty hefty wad on er, socialising with complete strangers at Christmas, most of whom are single women.

People who don't like Christmas surely just hunker down with food and the telly, not whisk themselves off to an alpine idyll.

Bluntness100 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:56:22

That's a weird way for him to put it. It seems he isn't trying to provoke jealousy in you, he wants a reaction to show him you care.

I'd think about why he is doing that.

Either he is unsure about your feelings or he's an immature goady asshat. I sense the answer is probably a bit of both.

He booked the holiday as a fuck you, rather than sort it like an adult, and now he wants you to be jealous and worried. Even pressurising uou to feel that way by pointing out that's how he'd feel.

Did you know this side to him existed?

I also had a difficult childhood, in fact a fairly awful one, I'd be concerned that as a grown middle aged man he is still unable to move past that and be able to make xmas a happy time for him as an adult, so clearly either some very deep trauma there indeed or he uses it as an excuse to justify his behaviour.

Gruach Mon 18-Dec-17 10:57:07

He's just called me to say that he's got the list of the people on the course and bar one married couple and one bloke, the rest all appear to be single women ...

Seriously? Calling this childish would insult children. Why on earth would you need details of a holiday that has nothing to do with you?

And you've already had breaking up, making up and spiteful retaliation within the space of seven months. Makes me exhausted just thinking about it ...

Naillig222 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:57:29

How does he know they are single? Is there a relationship status beside their name on the list?

mindutopia Mon 18-Dec-17 10:57:49

I think let him enjoy his holiday and you enjoy your Christmas with your children and plan to get together when he gets back and assess your relationship. You broke up and cancelled your holiday, so totally fair on him to make his own plans. You've not been together very long and he's not missing out on time with children (as yours aren't his), so all that seems perfectly reasonable. As for who is on the holiday, does it matter really? Just because there are women booked in singly does not mean they are 'single women' nor women who are looking to hook up with some random guy in his 50s on their ski course. I recently went away on a course (not skiing) and I stayed in accomodation with a bunch of other people I didn't know. I'm married and there were plenty of 'single men' on the course staying with us as well as several other women (who were there alone, but not actually 'single'). I'm committed to my husband and was perfectly able to manage myself without having sex with any of them. If your partner is truly committed to making things work with you once you get through the stress of the holidays, he'll be able to do the same. I would let him go and enjoy his time and work out the kinks in your relationship when he gets back if it's what you want to do.

AJPTaylor Mon 18-Dec-17 10:59:31

Wish him a happy hols.
Have a lovely Xmas with your kids
Have another think about it in the new year

Blackteadrinker77 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:59:43

It's 7 short months and you've already split up once now this.

I wouldn't be continuing it.

tumblrpigeon Mon 18-Dec-17 11:01:20

He hates Christmas. You were on a break.
It’s probably no big deal

Situp Mon 18-Dec-17 11:04:51

Putting aside the jealousy issues Am i right in thinking that the order of events was:
You booked a trip away
You split up
You cancelled the trip and told him
He booked his own trip for the whole of Christmas
You have now got back together

It is a week before Christmas and he doesn't want to cancel his trip to spend Christmas with you when he hates it?

I would be tempted to say let it go and enjoy Christmas with your kids. Regroup and see how you both feel in the New Year. It is a relatively young relationship and it is being put under a lot of pressure.

On the other hand, the jealousy issues are something else and would be a deal breaker for me personally. My DH could go on holiday with a load of single women and it wouldn't worry me because I am not very jealous and I trust him totally. But at the same time he would be the same as me if I was going on a trip with a load of single men.

MorrisZapp Mon 18-Dec-17 11:07:57

If he hates Christmas he's going to struggle in a ski chalet where it will be twinkly lights and mulled wine central.

SingSam Mon 18-Dec-17 11:08:53

yes I think it's less about the holiday and more about the jealousy. I actually don't care who is on the trip (as long as it's not obviously a 'singles' type trip which I don't think it is). It seems it is a genuine skiing course thing.

What is grating me is the fact that if I'm expected to be ok with it, then surely if I did the same thing, he needs to be ok with it too and he very openly said he wouldn't be. Double standards I don't like at all....

anyway I think you're right, the sensible thing is to enjoy my xmas with the kids and my family, see him when he gets back and then decide where to go from there

jealousy is an odd one - because I'm not like that, I find it hard to understand it in others

grannytomine Mon 18-Dec-17 11:14:54

Enjoying Christmas isn't compulsory. I grew up with a mother and grandmother who hated Christmas for very valid reasons. They did their best to hide it when we were kids but I guess we always knew really. I'm not mad about Christmas myself but like the family being home so I do enjoy it. I think if he doesn't enjoy Christmas it is probably better that he goes off and does something he likes and doesn't spoil Christmas for you. If he is going to cheat he can do that any time and I'm not a jealous person either so I wouldn't worry about that unless it happens.

Have a lovely Christmas with your kids and look forward to the New Year with him. Hope it goes well.

Jaxhog Mon 18-Dec-17 11:18:25

Wish him a lovely holiday and suggest he gets in touch if /when he is ready for a proper adult relationship. Not loving Christmas is no excuse for the way he has behaved.
This

AdaColeman Mon 18-Dec-17 11:19:22

He sounds like hard work, especially for such early days in the relationship.
His demands for special allowances to be made for him due to his childhood may well increase if you stay together.

Let him go on his holiday, and while he's away make sure you and your children enjoy your Christmas.
Take the time to see how you really feel about him, but to me he doesn't seem like a keeper.

BiggapTwins Mon 18-Dec-17 11:19:30

You cancelled. He could also. He doesn't want to. Personally, I'd wish him Happy Hols and block his number. I hope that Christmas is a good one for you. The creation of happy memories.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now