Please Help

[IHadOneWish]

Hi all, thank you for agreeing to help by reading my post, all advice is received with thanks in advance.

My situation is that I have a 9 y/o Daughter and my partner (her Mum) walked out on us on Nov 20th. Now I've been trying to contact her and play things gentle since then and she did return for one night but other than that has been spending time at her Brother's or at a friend (female) who she's just met.

Now this all got triggered by my Mother dying and her basically losing her alcohol drinking friend, so in essence she went looking for another. Now she is starting to drink less but still drinks in the day on her days off and I assume every night, like it was at home.

Our relationship had grown a bit stale for a few years, mostly down to issues with trust on babysitters and therefore having no personal time together. However it's also the relationship with her daughter that has deteriorated, she now only sees her for a couple of hours on a Monday and when we go to a fitness club where her Mum works, but even then the actual time spent together is minutes.

We're meeting for lunch tomorrow after school and I desperately want her back, which she is more than aware of but I feel I'm fighting on two fronts to make that happen as I don't think she wants her daughter back either and I'm basically after advice regarding this and what I can do, as I just feel like I've lost so much of my life this past month that I'm really struggling on an emotional level.

Thanks again.

[Josuk]

I am so so sorry you are going through this.

As someone whose father was an alcoholic - like your wife certainly is - i’d say that you need to wake up to the fact that she won’t change, unless she wants to.
And also - living with an alcoholic and uncaring mother is a lot more damaging to your daughter than living with a loving dad.

So - i’d distance yourself as much as I can from this woman. I’d focus on my daughter - and get her some counselling ASAP - as she must have seen/felt things over the past years with her mom that she won’t be able to make sense of - and it will affect her later.

So - in other words - run and save yourself and your daughter. You both deserve better.

[Annelind]

I feel you and your daughter will be much better off emotionally if you don't allow this woman back to live with you. Her drink problem needs addressing, and until she admits it is a problem - it won't be.

[IHadOneWish]

Thanks Josuk, I hear you, I really do. My Mother died of alcoholic complications and I believe my partner will too as things stand. I'll give her the credit though, my daughter hasn't witnessed any abuse or emotional torture like I did from my Mother, indeed for the first 5 years of her life my Daughter had what appeared the perfect Mother. Took her to every single play group possible and was so loving.

They grew apart once school started and part of this reason is my partner left school at 14 and was always told she would fail. I tried to support her with this and told her she was one of the most intelligent people I'd ever met and the education system let her down (dyslexia).

But the trigger of my Mum dying and the grasp for freedom has just sent her way over the edge to a place she really doesn't want any of us. Now as easy as it is to say leave her, if you'd seen our first 7 years together there wasn't a single argument and we were the perfect couple. I have actually got back to that level and am so desperate to help her get there too, because below all the issues she's the most loving and trustworthy woman I've ever met and that's why it hurts so much.

[Anymajordude]

Focus on your daughter and yourself. Grieve and do whatever you need to get both of you feeling stronger. You can't control your wife, don't spend all your energy focussing on her and trying to get her back, it won't solve much if she's drinking and not really wanting to be involved in family life. You can't save her if she doesn't want to be saved but you can be there for your daughter to try and make a difficult time easier for her.

[IHadOneWish]

Thanks Any,

I tell myself that and I believe it too, but there's just glimmers of hope such as the meal tomorrow after School.

Maybe I'm just a doormat, but it's because I know a lot of the lack of effort in the relationship over the past 4 or 5 years was from my side (depression) but ironically I'm over that now and I could be the person I was 8 years ago (when things were perfect) but she can't and I just can't get to grips with losing her, even though I'm 99% sure I am.

[Josuk]

OP - my father, apparently was also a nice, and fun, and loving man to my mother when they met. And then, when drinking escalated, he wasn’t.
How do you know which one is the real her?

So - no amount of excuses and memories are going to make up for the fact that your wife is what she is now.

Your daughter you said is 9. And only first 5 years of her life were normal by your description. So - about half of her life to date.
Since she started school - her relationship with her mother deteriorated....because your wife wasn’t encouraged at school.
Really???! You think it’s normal?

And you think your poor daughter hasn’t been affected by that?
Think again. Really.

I know the impulse to save someone is strong. But at this point - you really need to focus on making your life as stable and healthy as possible - for your daughter to feel safe and loved by you.
You can’t involve your daughter in the project of saving your alcoholic wife. Please don’t do it to her. Because you and your daughter would fail and she’ll blame herself for ages.

One day your W might snap out of it. It won’t be because of anything you would have done. Can only come from inside of her.

My father never did. And I don’t know how many actually do.

[IHadOneWish]

Cheers again Josuk,

One day she might snap out of it, you're right and I do need to accept that I can't change her. I tried for 6 or so years to stop her smoking and drinking, sure with only gentle encouragement but fairly consistent.

As for my daughter being affected, I'm sure in many ways she is, she's quite an exuberant little character but does keep many emotions bottled up I suspect. Even now with her Mum not here for nearly a month and only seeing her once a week she's not telling me she's missing her or crying/tantrums or anything, which is in one way good but in another quite disturbing as I try to think what she must be thinking and why isn't she more bothered?!

So I agree with much of your advice and will take it on board but when you love someone that dearly, truly I'll never give up on her, I'm not made that way. I will, in time, move on with our lives but moving on will always include a hope that she returns to the wonderful person she was and the wonderful mother because inside, behind the control of the alcohol I know she feels a weight of guilt and a burden of sadness which will eat away at her and the only way to resolve that guilt is to fight against what's stopping her being the mother she was.

Thanks again.