Hate myself for what i did

AliceB29 · 2017-12-17 20:35:32

Hi, i have to get this off of my chest as i feel like such a horrible woman. About 8 months ago my husbands brother jack was involved in a car accident and passed away, he was 41, my husband Ben is 39 and im 29. I'd been seeing Ben since i was 19, however we weren't officially together until i was about 23 mainly because he tortured himself over the age gap i think, some friends and family of his would give him a hard time etc, and because of this he never thought it would go the distance between us. Looking back i was very naive and didnt have much self esteem, a couple of times before we got engaged he would just dissappear for a while and i wouldnt hear from him. One day during the on/off stage he had been trying to call me all afternoon as he needed to pick something from mine up, but my phone was on silent so i didnt hear it. He came to mine so angry, id never seen him like that before and when he stormed off, i thought it was over for good. It was so stupid but I was heartbroken! A few days later i went down the pub and his brother jack was in there, i always got on well with him but to be honest he felt more like a fatherly figure, someone who would look out for me. Anyway we, and the others we were with, got vert drunk and he ended up walking me home. Now he was staying with his parents round the corner from me and we ended up walking back to theres for some more drinks, i knew then that i shouldn't be going back but didn't care at the time. His parents were in bed and we ended up kissing in the kitchen, i don't remember how it started but it started. I remember stopping it saying we shouldnt and that i should go home. He walked me back although it wasnt far and gave me a hug and said goodbye. About a week after that, ben and i started talking again and fast forward 8 years we have been happy together. We've been through so much, highs and lows & losing family members etc, it's changed us so much and made us stronger. I never gave that kiss another thought, i'd see jack out and about and we never mentioned it again, it didnt feel weird when i was around him either. I never had any feelings for him but i guess i just saw him as a comfort and that night i think i just thought, f*ck it. But now that jack has passed away i just feel horrible about everything. Especially for keeping this secret for so long, horrible that my husband never knew that jack and i kissed. But if i told him now it would change absolutly everything and he would never trust me again and he'd think badly of jack. I have never cheated on him again since, nor would i in future, and ive only ever slept with Ben, he was my first! I just dont know what to do because i feel so guilty and disgusted that i kissed his brother. Has anybody ever been in a similar situation? I dont know what to do. It was only a drunken kiss but i feel so shady about it all.

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