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AIBU- fallen out big time with my dad and it's going to ruin our last Christmas

(69 Posts)
FairyF1 Sun 17-Dec-17 16:36:24

I'd be really grateful for your views- I want to resolve the situation but don't know how. I know I am very emotional at the moment so am not sure if I am being unreasonable.

I love my father a lot - he's terminally ill and I've been looking after him for a long time. Unfortunately his health is deteriorating and he's not getting sufficient care. He has had the same carer for over twenty years and clearly thinks a huge amount about her. Unfortunately her husband is unwell so she keeps cancelling at the last minute. Nine times in the past month she has cancelled and I've had to leave work/my family at very short notice to look after him. I am really worried about loosing my job. I have spoken to her and she says she wants to change the hours so she does more in the morning/less in the evening and can be with her husband. She doesn't want a cut in pay. Unfortunately that's not what dad needs (he needs more help in the evenings when he is weakest). I approached the Council who employ her but she arranged a meeting with dad and the social worker when I wasn't there and Dad said he was okay with this arrangement. Dad is dying, he can't see or hear and would say anything to keep the peace(he's in a lot of pain). I've put in a complaint to the council to say it wasn't appropriate for the meeting to go ahead in my absence /or the absence of someone who can advocate for him.

In the meantime Dad and i have fallen out. He said I'm creating a fuss , that I can simply do the hours that she used to do. I have told him I can't as I'm on a final warning at work already, that i cant afford to loose my job. I'm very upset - he's worried about the carer and what she'll do when he's gone but says absolutely nothing about me, I feel so hurt - I love him so much and just feel like he doesn't care. Ive tried to explain to him how I feel but he just dismisses it and says I will be fine . She I spoke just obsessed with what is going on with her husband. I was meant to spend the weekend with him, wrapping presents and on Tuesday am supposed to be taking him to a party at the hospice but I just can't stop crying and can't go. If I see the carer I literally think I will implode. I feel so angry that she's ruining our Christmas, he says it's all me and my fault. I don't know what to do. I don't have any brother or sisters and my Parents are divorced. What should I do?

user1497997754 Sun 17-Dec-17 16:44:15

You can't take this out on the carer that is so unfair....you need to put yourself in her shoes....what about getting 2 carers the new one can do the hours that existing one can't.

QueenNovo Sun 17-Dec-17 16:47:28

What would happen if you refused to come and do her job when she cancels, wouldn't the council have to provide cover for her shifts?

PNGirl Sun 17-Dec-17 16:47:30

But user, that means paying the carer for doing fewer hours plus another one on top. If the OP's dad is paying, fair enough, but not if the OP is.

exLtEveDallas Sun 17-Dec-17 16:49:01

Hold on. The carer doesn't want to do the hours that she is paid to do, but also doesn't want to lose any pay?

That's not right. Either she does the hours she's paid for, or she takes a cut in pay and you/the service employs someone else for those hours using that money.

You can't do it. You shouldn't have to do it. Your dad is being very unfair to you, as is the carer.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 17-Dec-17 16:49:01

Yes but the existing carer doesn't want to lose money - that's what the OP has said.

The fact is the carer wants to work the hours which don't suit your dad, OP, so he has to get someone in. I can understand he wants to keep on his old carer but that's not working for him at the moment.

You must be incredibly stressed. Don't forget pain makes people really grumpy and say things they wouldn't otherwise say.

PNGirl Sun 17-Dec-17 16:49:36

And it really is not fair that he wants to give the carer full pay and expects OP to pick up the slack of she may lose her own job.

Makeitso Sun 17-Dec-17 16:50:38

Could you arrange for the carers hours to be cut a bit so that you could get another carer to call in the evenings?

DF really does have the get that you can't lose your job? Surely, he realises that your job is just as important as the carers so a compromise might be easier to explain.

It sounds like your DF doesn't want to contemplate leaving you so he is brushing it off. I'm sure he really does care about you.

Joysmum Sun 17-Dec-17 16:54:36

The carer is doing the same thing you are, letting down her employer to care for her loved one. As frustrating as this is for you, you should be able to relate to that. If your work spoke to you about your lack of attendance at work you’d obviously talk about your dh too.

Likewise it’s more likely the SW set the meeting, not the carer.

Your only recourse is your fathers GP and adult social services and that’s often limited unless you’re set up as POA.

I’m assuming your family can’t afford to privately fund the extra care your df needs? That’s what we did for my FIL when I couldn’t cope any more.

jedenfalls Sun 17-Dec-17 16:55:13

This is not the fault of his carer. If she fell and broke her leg what would happen? You need an additional carer.

I've been in a similar situation, and basically this is how the councils support services work. They don't consider it broken, so they won't fix it. Your dad is an adult, he has capacity to make decisions, and he made a decision. A crap one, but he has the right to do that.

You know he needs an extra carer, but from the POV of the council, he has one. You.

The ONLY way to solve this is to step back. And don't feel bad. Let him live with his adult decision. You CANNOT continue to care. You will lose your job.

We had an outrageous merry go round for a while, with them refusing a carer and me refusing to step in and do the home visits that the relative was adamant I was going to do. (baby to care for, medically unfit to drive, 20 mile round trip. Not. Gonna happen. )

Livingtothefull Sun 17-Dec-17 16:59:51

I have to say that your employer sounds really unsupportive Op from what you have said here. Without of course knowing all the details, putting an employee on a final warning for attendance when she has a terminally ill father to care for, seems massively inappropriate to me. Carers do have certain legal rights you know…you may want to take this up with your HR department at work if you have one.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Bombardier25966 Sun 17-Dec-17 17:04:30

The ONLY way to solve this is to step back. And don't feel bad. Let him live with his adult decision. You CANNOT continue to care. You will lose your job.

Yep, step back and have your father's last memory of you being on the phone refusing to visit him. No decent person could do that to a loved one (and I believe the OP is a decent person).

OP the carer will be on an hourly rate. If she doesn't attend she does not get paid. If she does call in sick and the council cannot provide cover then you need a reliable agency on call to cover her shifts. They will be able to respond very quickly, although you would have to find the funds for this yourself.

I am confused on the pay issue. If the carer is employed by the council she will not be paid when she does not attend, she may if she is sick but she is not. Are you sure that this is not a direct payments situation, where your father is effectively the carer.

Reflexella Sun 17-Dec-17 17:12:20

I think you need to call a truce as much as possible over Christmas. As you said this could be the last one together.

It sounds like things are stretched for you, your Dad & the carer.

He may not want to lose her having worked together for so long.

Maybe agree to drop it until Jan and review the situation with less emotional eyes. Christmas does add more pressure to everyone & everything - maybe you’re all a bit hyped to look at this sensibly at the moment?

Aeroflotgirl Sun 17-Dec-17 17:14:34

However much I sympathise with the carer, your dad is not getting the care that he needs, and the council are still paying the same, despite her cancelling, and you doing the caring. Your dad is vulnerable due to his illness, he should have had an advocate. You were very right to raise this with the council, the carer cannot expect to be paid the same for less hours, when that can be used for another carer in the evening. What if you were not there, he would be left with nothing. You need your job to support you and your kids.

Either carer comes in the morning, and the council get another carer for the evening, or a new carer or move into a hospice.

FairyF1 Sun 17-Dec-17 17:16:40

Thank you for your responses. Dad receives direct payments from the council - he pays her the same amount each week (she gets it from the cash point) regardless of whether she works her hours or not. I think ideally he would have got another carer in, his existing carer could find another post where the hours suit her needs but neither of them will go with it.

In normal circumstances I think I would step back and he would have to deal with the consequences (I really can't afford to loose my job I would left with nothing ) but he's dying and I know he's not thinking clearly just in a lot of pain and trying to get through each day. He has phoned me ten times today to go over and help him but I just can't : I keep crying , can't pull myself together- I just feel very hurt and angry. It's as though all the love I have shown for so many years just means nothing.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 17-Dec-17 17:19:36

That sounds like financial abuse, getting money from him, that she has not worked for. Can you contact AGE to find out. The council are paying him money for the care, but he is not getting the amount of care that he should. Can you also contact SS, does he have a SW.

Doublevodka Sun 17-Dec-17 17:23:00

You are right to be upset with the carer, but I can also see your Dad's point about not wanting a fuss, particularly if he knows the carer well. You definitely should take advice from HR at your place of employment if that is an option. But above everything else, make up with your Dad. He is terminally ill. Your time together is precious.

jelliebelly Sun 17-Dec-17 17:23:06

Please don’t blame the carer this is not her fault and probably feels terrible herself about the situation. Your dad is elderly, ill and confused you need to try and not take this situation as him not caring about you. In summary it seems he has his current carer for the same hours by at different times of day to before - is that right? Suggest you get on the phone first thing in the morning and make a nuisance of yourself until the council find another carer for the times he needs that you can’t do. You also need a conversation with your employer about what your options are - they might be more supportive if they knew the full picture. It’s tough but you can get through it - please don’t keep blaming your dad.

LimePickleEnthusiast Sun 17-Dec-17 17:24:05

I agree with jedenfalls.

The way I have read this is that the carer has rearranged her hours to suit her so that she doesn't get a cut in pay; she's still going to work the same number of hours but they won't be at the time of day that the OP's father needs the most help. The OP's father is expecting the OP to cover this gap which is unfair. He's prioritising the carer's needs over the OP's and this has been agreed in a meeting that the OP should have been invited to.

I sympathise with the carer's situation but they have put their own needs above the OP's father. They should have cut their own hours and said he needs an extra carer to cover the shortfall.

So, I completely agree with jedenfalls that not filling this gap is the only way that your father will get the support he needs.

I'm really sorry you're all going through this.

OhNoFuckADuck Sun 17-Dec-17 17:24:13

@FairyF1 - can you get any support from the hospice - I mean emotional support for you to help you get through this not practical stuff. i wonder if they might have experience of this sort of thing and at least be able to offer a cup of tea and some options that have worked for other people...

PNGirl Sun 17-Dec-17 17:25:45

I suspected he was paying her direct, hence my comment about him being able, or not, to cover another carer. I totally understand feeling hurt.

ElephantsandTigers Sun 17-Dec-17 17:26:26

But he isn't thinking about all the previous years. He is living in the here and now where he is trying to help the carer he cares about and knows he can rely on the daughter who has shown love. He's also probably bloody terrified and frankly, he might not be thinking about the worry of you losing your job for sad but understandable reasons.

I suggest you phone the council tomorrow and speak to someone who can listen and understand the situation and do something about it. Keep ringing until someone acts.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 17-Dec-17 17:27:59

Any decent carer would not take the money she has not worked from a dying man. That money is meant to be for his care.

Thedietstartsnow Sun 17-Dec-17 17:41:13

Don't blame the career?? Wtf.shes taking money of an elderly nan who's confused and dying,for hours she's not working....that's so wrong.nowonder you are angry.make sure to check his will,that he's not been pursaded in to leaving her all his money

Thedietstartsnow Sun 17-Dec-17 17:41:55

Man

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