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Is he deliberately avoiding me or am I just being paranoid?

(26 Posts)
NeonPalmTree Sun 17-Dec-17 13:31:53

I've been seeing this guy casually, and usually he'd always initiate contact, text/call lots, and wanted to see me every week. But for the past month or so, he's just been so distant and can go days or sometimes over a week without contacting me. I understand he went back to college so has been fairly busy with that. He's made some new friends and he's busy with new projects. I don't think I've been clingy (if anything I make it a point to be the opposite). I haven't constantly been texting him and I've been doing things with other friends etc.

A week ago I asked if he wanted to meet and he replied "I honestly want to but I'm feeling pretty ill today, but we can have a phone chat if you like?". So I called him and he did indeed sound fairly ill so I told him to get some rest. The next day he texted me asking what I was up to. I said I was probably going to see family and he replied "Oh I could have met you. I'm feeling better now". So then I said, "well actually I can meet you if you like and see family tomorrow?" but then he didn't seem sure and ended up making an excuse. Then I heard nothing from him for a week, so yesterday I messaged him saying "hey you seem a little less talkative lately, anything wrong?". He called me back straight away saying that nothing was wrong, he was just busy helping at his college Christmas party and that he'd try and see me soon. He sounded genuine.

Then last night I got a text from him, saying he was playing a small gig with his new college friends and asked if I wanted to come and see him. He sounded so excited and proud. I said I'd try and make it, only it was very last minute so there weren't any buses on time. He said "no worries, it would have been nice but I'll see you tomorrow if you like", which was promising.

So tomorrow came (which was yesterday), and I got a text from him asking what I was doing. I said "nothing much, you wanna meet?". He replied "I don't know, I want to but I'm feeling really anxious today. I can't even leave my room" so I said "okay well let me know if you want to do anything and I'll come meet you, but no worries if not". A few hours went by and I heard nothing so I just asked "you staying in then? everything ok?" but he never replied. It's been almost 24 hours now. I can see he's online playing a video game on Steam so he can't be that bad.

I'm just a little anxious that he's distancing himself from me. In the past we've never had issues like this. He always seemed keen on communicating with me, even when he was having issues with anxiety. But now I'm starting to feel like a burden on him, or I'm worried he's met someone else at college. For the past few weeks he's been saying things like "I'll try and see you next week" or "I'll call/text you later" only he always forgets to get in touch. Any ideas?

bonfireheart Sun 17-Dec-17 13:33:35

He's just not that into you. It's casual anyway so call it off. You're not living together, you don't have kids together- what's stopping you?

NeonPalmTree Sun 17-Dec-17 13:37:43

@bonfireheart yeah I thought maybe that was the case. I just feel I'm getting mixed messages. If he was completely uninterested why would he have asked me to come see him last night, and said "I'll see you tomorrow". Like, whenever I'm in his company he does seem really interested in me. It's just become quite difficult to see him lately, as he keeps flaking out.

jinglybell Sun 17-Dec-17 13:38:45

Sounds to me like he's deliberately avoiding you. I'd call it off if I were you. There's nothing more soul destroying than waiting for a possible date on a vague arrangement.

One word of advice I would give you - don't offer to change your plans for a chance of seeing him. If you have plans you have plans, you fit him around them not the other way round x

ScreamingValenta Sun 17-Dec-17 13:39:40

There's a pattern here of you doing all the running, offering to change your plans for him, and getting little in return. It does sound as though he's cooled towards you, I'm afraid. I think you need to stop chasing him, and see what he does.

Slipperqueen3 Sun 17-Dec-17 13:39:53

Sounds like he had a giant night at the gig and has The Fear!!! Not related to you at all, and nothing that a load of carbs and a sleep won’t fix.

CremeFresh Sun 17-Dec-17 13:42:24

A relationship just shouldn't be this difficult , he's making too many excuses , I think if you persue it nothing will change and you will always be second guessing whether he really likes you or not.

Gemini69 Sun 17-Dec-17 13:44:08

it's run it's course... flowers

NeonPalmTree Sun 17-Dec-17 13:45:28

Yeah I guess it does seem like he's cooled off and starting to make excuses. It's just fairly new to me, because for months he'd always be someone who'd contact first and would never make me feel like burden on his time. He never really played games and would always call me and respond fast etc. Even if he was feeling a bit 'off' or wanted space he'd let me know about it. He was never shy about discussing our relationship status as well/doubts, so I never thought he'd be the 'ghosting' or passive type.

TotemIcePole Sun 17-Dec-17 13:47:12

Was he drinking at the gig, that might explain the anxiety the next day.

NeonPalmTree Sun 17-Dec-17 13:49:48

@TotemIcePole I think he was actually helping behind the bar so not sure if he'd have drank, but possibly. I know he does get bad anxiety at times so I'm not saying he's lying about that. But I've just been sensing an overall distance lately, which I put down to him just being busier/having new priorities/new people in his life.

NeonPalmTree Sun 17-Dec-17 13:50:46

The fact he hasn't even replied to my last text yet asking if he's staying in, knowing he's read them, annoys me.

CremeFresh Sun 17-Dec-17 13:55:24

It raises red flags for me when someone is very keen at first and then starts messing about once they think they've 'hooked' you.

rizlett Sun 17-Dec-17 14:02:21

Also - it's quite important not to change previously made plans because this demonstrates that you have high values and men love and want a woman who values herself.

TheNaze73 Sun 17-Dec-17 14:14:30

rizlett is spot on.

pictish Sun 17-Dec-17 14:18:36

Sounds like he prefers to keep you as an 'as and when' commodity. He'll get in touch and see you if he feels like it or hasn't got something better to do. I think you're a simple boredom reliever for him. Sorry.

pictish Sun 17-Dec-17 14:20:39

I also agree with rizlet - don't change your plans for this guy...he sure as hell wouldn't change his for you.

NeonPalmTree Sun 17-Dec-17 14:23:57

@rizlett right, will remember that. It was mainly because it wasn't a huge plan to see my family, it was mainly just so I could get out and do something, so when he said he wanted to do something I thought "oh I thought you were still ill? okay why not?" but then he didn't seem bothered so I looked a bit stupid

Nicecuppatea21 Sun 17-Dec-17 14:33:22

How about you try a different tactic? Be cool and don't contact him. Treat em mean to keep em keen. You've nothing to lose.

He is not the only man on the planet. You sound like a nice kind person. Get yourself out and about and try to put him out of your mind. You will find someone who will be running after you cos you're so great.

Bluntness100 Sun 17-Dec-17 14:35:37

Basically the number one default position is If a guy wants to see you he will.

This guy is hedging his bets, he's not ending it, but he's not really into it either. I'd stop contacting him and stop making yourself easily available to him.

NeonPalmTree Sun 17-Dec-17 15:03:02

The only reason I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt was because when we first met he did mention he had problems with anxiety and that on occasion he had trouble leaving his house, and that was when he was actually trying to pursue me. So I feel like this could be what this is, but it doesn't explain the other times he's been distant lately.

Sn0tnose Sun 17-Dec-17 15:49:42

I think he's lost interest but is either too cowardly to end it properly or is keeping you on a back burner. He only wanted to see you when he thought you were too busy to agree and as soon as you offered to change your plans, he backed out.

His anxiety means that he's too ill to see/call/text you, but it doesn't stop him from going to college, spending time with new friends, doing new projects, playing gigs and helping out behind a bar?

You deserve better than this insipid dishwater of a relationship, even if it is only casual. The whole point of dating someone is that you want to spend time with them. Otherwise what's the point? What is he giving you that you couldn't get elsewhere? Don't contact him again. If he messages you, reply saying that you want to be higher on someone's list of priorities than he's willing to place you and that it just isn't working for you. Then get out there and date someone who can't wait to see you.

butterfly56 Sun 17-Dec-17 16:01:12

It's really emotionally and physically draining investing so much time and effort when there is very little reciprocation.
It definitely looks as though it's all one sided with you doing all the running now.
Please put yourself first and foremost and don't waste any more time trying to stay in contact.

cordelia16 Sun 17-Dec-17 20:44:35

@Sn0tnose has it exactly right

rizlett Mon 18-Dec-17 05:25:39

It's not so much about playing hard to get. A man does need to know you are interested however he also needs to know you won't drop everything to make him happy - [this needs to be demonstrated rather than explained] and that you have your own interesting life with enough things happening so that he isn't everything to you.

If you have other things going on it doesn't really much matter whether he makes an effort to see you or not because you're not so invested.

Find some things you love to do so that he is not the only thing going on.

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