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Opinions gratefully received...

(87 Posts)
confuzzledman Sun 17-Dec-17 10:27:02

Hi. I've been with my girlfriend for just over 9 months. I love her very much and everything is mostly very good. It's been a stressful year and sometimes we argue and to be honest, we both blow it out of proportion.

Anyway, this week, out of the blue, I get a completely random message from one of the mum's at my children's school.

Although I felt it was weird, I didn't want to cause any awkwardness so was what I thought was friendly in response. It started at night when my gf was with me. I didn't mention it at the time as I wasn't sure what to think. The 2nd day when my gf came around, I pointed out to this woman that I was with my gf. I also told me gf about the messages at this time, but didn't show her them..

The other woman then tried to "drunk call" me twice that night which lead to an argument between my girlfriend and I. She thinks I lead the woman on. While I thought the messages were odd, I don't think I lead her on really, and made it clear I had a gf, which didn't stop her.

The messages are below (sorry I couldn't attach them any other way). Names have been changed and emojis don't appear properly, but other than that, this is the entire conversation over both days.

My gf has actually left me over this. Is that a fair reaction? Be brutally honest...

15/12/2017, 22:19 - Other Person: Hi
15/12/2017, 22:20 - Other Person: Sorry! wrong message.
15/12/2017, 22:21 - Me: Haha. I do that all the time...
15/12/2017, 22:21 - Other Person: I should say wrong person! Sorry
15/12/2017, 22:24 - Other Person: Sorry I didnt mean to message you. How are yoi doing anyway?
15/12/2017, 22:26 - Me: All good ta
15/12/2017, 22:26 - Me: Happy that it's nearly the hols
15/12/2017, 22:26 - Me: You guys ok?
15/12/2017, 22:30 - Other Person: Yeah we are too! what are your plans for the holidays?
15/12/2017, 22:47 - Other Person: I am so sorry!! It was a druken message! Hope we are ok?
15/12/2017, 23:26 - Me: Drunken messages are the best types
15/12/2017, 23:26 - Me: I'm rather sober
15/12/2017, 23:27 - Me: So off to bed now.

16/12/2017, 18:39 - Me: Hey. You seemed quite worried yesterday. Relax. We all send the odd message in the wrong chat after a few lambrinis
16/12/2017, 18:41 - Other Person: Haha Yes we do! But again very sorry about that
16/12/2017, 18:42 - Me: It's really not a problem
16/12/2017, 18:46 - Other Person: Still I think I should stay away from phones when drunk
16/12/2017, 18:46 - Me: Shouldn't we all
16/12/2017, 18:48 - Other Person: True!
16/12/2017, 18:48 - Me: Kids excited for Christmas?
16/12/2017, 18:51 - Other Person: Yes they are! Not sure who is most excited though, just finished most of the wrapping so can relax a bit now. Yours?
16/12/2017, 18:51 - Me: I'm a bloke. I've hardly done any shopping. Yeah, the kids are with Mum for Christmas day this year. I'll get them when they break up for a couple of days, and then on 27th for a week.
16/12/2017, 18:52 - Me: so late Christmas for me this year
16/12/2017, 18:55 - Other Person: You should definitely start soon then.Ahhh that will be nice though, a week with them. I have the kids Christmas day, then they will be with their dad for 2 days on the 26th, I dont think I could handle them being away any longer.
16/12/2017, 18:56 - Other Person: I have to say, (son) was amazing in the school play. So good!
16/12/2017, 18:57 - Me: He was absolutely hilarios
16/12/2017, 18:57 - Me: hilarious
16/12/2017, 18:57 - Me: I have no idea what the eyes/silly faces were about
16/12/2017, 18:58 - Me: He's in his own little world most of the time. It seems like a nice world though so it's all good
16/12/2017, 19:00 - Other Person: he's a lovely kid! He really comes out of himself in all the school plays. A natural performer I think
16/12/2017, 19:00 - Me: He's a charmer
16/12/2017, 19:00 - Me: Always surrounded by the girls
16/12/2017, 19:02 - Me: He and (daughter) are so different. But she's had a much harder time over the last couple of years since Mum and I split.
16/12/2017, 19:03 - Other Person: He really is, (daughter) thinks he's great. I think they are a lot alike, come across all shy and sweet, but absolute loonies
16/12/2017, 19:04 - Other Person: Awww its always hard for kids when parents split, I only realised that you weren't together a few days ago, I always thought you were
16/12/2017, 19:05 - Me: ?
16/12/2017, 19:05 - Me: Really?
16/12/2017, 19:05 - Me: I thought is was quite a public split
16/12/2017, 19:07 - Other Person: No I had no idea. You were together at the start when they started reception?
16/12/2017, 19:08 - Me: No. I just thought that
16/12/2017, 19:08 - Me: Lots of the parents have kids in (daughter’s) year and (son’s) year
16/12/2017, 19:09 - Me: Well, it's fair to say it was a random couple of years or so
16/12/2017, 19:09 - Me: I'm always pleasantly surprised when I learn some people haven't heard a load of random shit about me though.
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: We separated in 2015
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Other Person: Oh ok, I'm completely oblivious to what the mums and dads are up to, prefer it that way! Ahhh really, now I'm interested
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: Haha
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: trust me
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: it's a story
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: but I'm very biased
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: so try not to tell it
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: If I stick to the absolute, non-deniable facts...
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Other Person: Ok enough said, I wont ask!
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: Nah, it doesn't bother me, I just don't want to throw mud at the children's mother
16/12/2017, 19:12 - Me: it's been a soap opera.
16/12/2017, 19:12 - Me: If I stick to absolute facts and nothing that can be debatable...
16/12/2017, 19:15 - Me: Aug 2015 separated. Nov 2015 I was arrested for "stalking". Aug 2016 found unanimously not guilty of stalking in crown court. Police didn't provide phone records I'd requested until the 2nd day of hearing (similar to what is in the news at the moment with that guy who was accused of rape). Sep 2016 started family court proceedings against Mum because I hardly saw the kids during the holidays. Feb 2017 had op to remove bowel cancer. April 2017, final family court hearing - got shared care and now have them 5 nights every 2 weeks during term time and half of all holidays.
16/12/2017, 19:15 - Me: I should write a book 😊
16/12/2017, 19:15 - Me: 😊
16/12/2017, 19:18 - Other Person: Oh wow! I'm really sorry to hear that and I thought me and their dad had an awkward relationship! 😕 You probably should 😉 xx
16/12/2017, 19:18 - Me: Haha
16/12/2017, 19:18 - Me: it's ok
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: Probably just a misunderstanding between Mum and I 🙂
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: I don't hold a grudge and I'm not bitter. As long as the kids are happy (which they are a lot since the family court) then it's all good.
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: I've learned a lot.
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: And life is awesome now
16/12/2017, 19:20 - Other Person: Well thats it, the kids are above anything else the most important thing ☺
16/12/2017, 19:20 - Me: They really are
16/12/2017, 19:21 - Me: On which note, I'm off to wrap the small amount of their presents I actually do have
16/12/2017, 19:21 - Me: Enjoy Saturday. Try not to drink too much and randomly message people 😉
16/12/2017, 19:22 - Other Person: 😊 Ok have a good evening and a great Christmas. Will see you at school! 😂 I'll try not to 😜
16/12/2017, 20:19 - Other Person: Hows that wrapping going? I am bored shitless, no kids and way to much lambrini
16/12/2017, 20:20 - Other Person: That sounded wrong on so many levels! Didnt mean anything by that lol
16/12/2017, 20:22 - Me: Haven't wrapped anything and girlfriend has as arrived now. Guess it will wait until tomorrow.
16/12/2017, 20:25 - Other Person: Ahhh ok fab! Have a great evening ☺
16/12/2017, 20:33 - Me: Aye. You too. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.
16/12/2017, 20:42 - Other Person: xx
16/12/2017, 22:05 - Other Person: Do you and your girlfriend?
16/12/2017, 22:07 - Other Person: Ekkk so sorry! I meant 'you and your girlfriend' lol. Im drubk texting
16/12/2017, 22:13 - Other Person: Missed voice call
16/12/2017, 22:14 - Other Person: drunk phoning
16/12/2017, 22:50 - Other Person: Missed voice call

SweetBerries Sun 17-Dec-17 10:32:53

Ok so it seems that this woman has honed in on you in some way but I don’t think you’ve encouraged her really. I’m incredibly surprised that your GF left you over this! Maybe she was insecure anyway? It is possible she will change her mind. As for the other woman, I wouldn’t reply to any further messages from her as she might SEE that as encouragement to continue. If your girlfriend actually does leave you over this then I’m certain there was something else bubbling under that you didn’t realise was happening. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

confuzzledman Sun 17-Dec-17 10:45:32

Yes, there have been other issues bubbling away which we were attempting to deal with. Being ill while starting a relationship hasn't been easy. But that's what happened and I care for her a lot. Thank you for your reply - it's appreciated.

Funko Sun 17-Dec-17 10:51:02

Not sure it's worthy of being left over - the text messages in isolation but ... it got quite personal quite quickly. Not sure there was any need beyond the how are yous and the Christmas chatter.

I don't think I'd be impressed if my boyfriend was giving a timeline of his breakup history unasked for. It did sound like you were single ...

CryptoFascist Sun 17-Dec-17 10:51:30

I don’t think you led her on (I wouldn’t have shared all that info with a virtual stranger but that’s entirely your call).
I also think it sounds innocent and if the missed calls were from fb messenger that’s so easily done. You’d have been quite high on her recent conversations list unless she talks for England. Only takes a drunken button press or two to call someone at an embarrassing time of night.

confuzzledman Sun 17-Dec-17 10:59:28

Most of the playground know all that info - or at least mother's version of it. It's been quite awful thinking what people must have been saying about me.

I guess it was nice to know that someone hadn't heard the other version of events yet. I agree in hindsight it wasn't right.

The first message was weird because I wouldn't have been on her recent conversations, hadn't spoken to her and gave no reason to message. So I supposed I should have spotted that as being weird. But I just thought I'd give the benefit of the doubt.

confuzzledman Sun 17-Dec-17 11:02:12


thanks for the honest thoughts. It wasn't very tactful of me, but I honestly don't think it was that bad. I did tell my gf about it openly. And I did clearly say I had a gf to the other women before the attempted calls.

It was those attempted calls that made my gf angry - but I think I'd made it perfectly clear by that point.

ALittleBitConfused1 Sun 17-Dec-17 11:04:30

She probably fancies you a bit and one of the other mums has told her youre single so she has dropped you a 'drunk' message.
I actually doubt very much that she was drunk or texting the wrong person though wink. Out of interest how did she ger your number?
I wouldnt say you were flirting with her but i must admit that up until you mentioned your gf it did seem like two single people in similar situations finding out a bit about each other.
Maybe you should have mentioned your gf earlier On, yeah me and the children's mum aren't together any more but I recently meet someone else and am happy.
Your gf may be a little insecure, perhaps she has underlying reasons for this. Maybe this relationship isn't what you need right now, I hope you are getting better now though. Two years isn't a long time to get over what sounds like a very messy divorce, maybe you just need some time.
But if you care about your gf and want to make it work the only way you can do this is to talk. But then again you mention other issues, I'm assuming this is a relatively new relationship, it sounds like hard work.

confuzzledman Sun 17-Dec-17 11:10:58

The number is because the school has a shared whatsapp group, and I invited her children to my son's birthday too.

Yes I should probably have mentioined the gf earlier, but there's no real easy way to say that without sounding like "you fancy me and I'm not interested." She hadn't actually said anything to suggest that was the case and I thought it would be arrogant of me to assume so.

AuntLydia Sun 17-Dec-17 11:11:02

You were certainly very chatty. While there's nothing explicitly flirtatious in there you were clearly enjoying chatting to her and actively keeping the conversation going, which seems odd for a random 'accidental' message from someone you don't appear to know very well. If a dad from school sent me that first message I'd have just shut the conversation down and not replied to be honest. It sounds like this isn't really the only reason your gf has left though is it? You haven't been together long and in that time you have had big arguments. This may well just be a 'last straw' thing.

MsGameandWatching Sun 17-Dec-17 11:16:29

I think you sent a lot of messages that you didn’t need to send and I read them as liking the attention from her. I expect I will be disagreed with <<shrugs>>

AnyFucker Sun 17-Dec-17 11:18:45

That's a lot of messages and sharing of very personal information. If I read it correctly you instigated at least one of the conversations too.

I wouldn't be happy if my H did this.

AnyFucker Sun 17-Dec-17 11:19:57

I think you will get together with "other person" very soon.

MsGameandWatching Sun 17-Dec-17 11:21:26

grin yes indeed AF.

HundredMilesAnHour Sun 17-Dec-17 11:22:11

You were certainly very chatty. While there's nothing explicitly flirtatious in there you were clearly enjoying chatting to her and actively keeping the conversation going, which seems odd for a random 'accidental' message from someone you don't appear to know very well. If a dad from school sent me that first message I'd have just shut the conversation down and not replied to be honest.


While it started with a wrong message, the next day the OP is the one who instigates the exchange which I find weird. It then gets personal quite quickly. Knowing nothing about the situation, the references to the split and so many messages could easily be miscontrued as the OP making it clear they were single and on the market. Maybe the OP is just naive - or trying too hard to be friendly - but I wouldn't be thrilled if I was in a relationship with someone who sent this many messages to effectively a stranger of the opposite sex. I wouldn't dump them but we'd definitely "have a conversation".

ALittleBitConfused1 Sun 17-Dec-17 11:23:12

I get it was tricky and unexpected contact, I think that when she mentioned about finding out with your wide anymore you could be quite easily have slipped it in but you do have a gf.
Pp. is right you did kind of keep the conversation going. If I was the single mum messaging (accidently but really because I fancied you) I woudve took your responses as messages that required responses, not a man who is in a relationship and finding my contact uncomfortable but trying to politely give me the brush off, if that makes sense.
But like I said i think this is just a small part of the problem.
A new relationship shouldn't be stressful with lots of issues and arguments, sounds to me like you gf may have done the best thing for both of you.

ALittleBitConfused1 Sun 17-Dec-17 11:23:48

Wife not wide lol

MrsExpo Sun 17-Dec-17 11:33:09

OK ... being brutally honest, I can see why your GF is upset. It ought to have stopped after the 15 - 12 messages. WTF were you thinking? You did not need to send the 16 - 12 message or anything after that. If you were my partner I'd be giving you a pretty hard time over this level of communication and disclosure of personal stuff and I think your gf has every right to be upset.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 17-Dec-17 11:39:59

I can also see why your girlfriend is upset. If I were you, I would send one last message to the other girl telling her that your girlfriend is upset and politely ask her to not contact again. Show this to your girlfriend and hope that she can trust you.

Ellisandra Sun 17-Dec-17 11:44:26

You weren't flirting but you were certainly courting her attention.
I'd see that whole exchange as you having a foot out of the door.

confuzzledman Sun 17-Dec-17 11:48:44

#loveyoutothemoon I've already done that.

confuzzledman Sun 17-Dec-17 11:54:11

I should add - I'm in no way attracted to this other woman. She's friendly and there aren't too many friendly faces on the school playground. I certainly don't have a foot out of the door. I love my gf very much and want to work things out.

MynameisMaximus Sun 17-Dec-17 11:54:12

Sorry OP, I agree with the PP saying you were actively encouraging this conversation. Your message to her the next day was unnecessary and you made no mention of your GF until pretty late on. If I was your GF I would definitely not be comfortable or happy and can see why she's upset. While there's been nothing sexual at the moment it's intimate and chatty and it reads as though you're enjoying the interaction and seeing where it might lead. It all just seems unnecessary.

ScreamingValenta Sun 17-Dec-17 12:01:19

You asked for opinions - mine probably sounds harsh, but the conversation is one of the most inane I have ever read. I wouldn't want to be with someone who engaged in this kind of rubbish, especially not with a woman who clearly thought she was being cute by sending 'drunk' flirty messages. I'd leave them to it.

CremeFresh Sun 17-Dec-17 12:02:03

I'd be upset if I were you're gf. You instigated some of the chat when a quick 'no worries' was all that was needed in the beginning. You are not obliged to respond to any text message if you don't want to, especially from someone you don't know very well.

Reading between the lines, I think you were enjoying it a bit too much .

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