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Just want a bit of a moan, sorry

(9 Posts)
newbirds Sun 17-Dec-17 09:36:21

Posted about my problems with my partner recently in another thread, he sees drink as a solution for all his problems and that in turn has been causing us problems for the last year or so (possibly even longer).

It was suggested to me I could be codependent, I think it's an accurate suggestion. Been staying at my parents' since the start of the week for a bit of space. No idea what's going on long term really, I know we need to talk about realistic options for the future at some point but it's finding the right time... Christmas is stressful enough as it is.

Partner played football yesterday, it was the last game of the season so he wanted to go out for a few drinks afterwards. He came with me to take our little boy to see Father Christmas for the first time, then I dropped him back to his club for the Christmas drinkies and went back to my parents' with the little one for a takeaway and bed.

Nipped over to the house this morning to pick up some nappies and he came to the door with dried blood coming out of one nostril hmm He claims his nose bleeds every morning as he's got a cold but probably more likely he had a bit of a mad one last night doing cocaine.

Which in theory I wouldn't be fussed about, but it's Christmas, we're broke as it is, he hasn't given me any money towards the cost of it all (despite me asking) and he can afford to go and get absolutely plastered and get himself a bit of a Colombian cold... meh.

Anyway, I picked up the nappies (less than half a pack left, much less than I thought) and after a bit of a shitty exchange he pointed out I would probably need to buy more, which I agree, I do, but as I told him I have no money until next Friday. So I'll have to ask my parents to help me out financially, as they have been doing for the last year, while nobby presides over his bloody hangover angry

He must have a bit of a conscience as he's just text me saying he's transferred £20 to the joint account for some nappies.

I just wanted a bit of a moan really. I feel like life is hard enough with one child let alone an overgrown, irresponsible man child, but at the same time I'm trying to come to terms with this codependency thing and recognise that I can't fix him, so I need to spend less time worrying about all of it. Perhaps that includes time spent generally moaning about it? blush

newbirds Sun 17-Dec-17 16:48:43

Stayed out of his way all day today, got stuck into helping my parents with preparing for Christmas instead. He text earlier to ask if I wanted a roast today, I replied saying I didn't really feel like one, but would review how I felt later. Went out shopping with little one, came home and tidied/cleaned for my parents who are feeling rough with nasty colds.

I've been here for the last week anyway, and nothing has changed between me and my partner (or been discussed/resolved), so after this morning's debacle I felt it would be easier to stay out of his way again today.

I think I am within my rights to do that, but I've been getting all sorts of abuse via text message because I declined this roast dinner, apparently I'm playing games and deliberately keeping our little one from him because I won't take him to him. I've said, you're more than welcome to pick up baby for dinner at yours, but he thinks it falls to me to do it. Am I being totally unreasonable to expect him to organise picking little one up?

Now he's saying the dinner was an olive branch to apologise for last night's behaviour etc and I've blown my chance with him.

I've tried to respond as calmly as possible. All of this is doing my head in sad

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 17-Dec-17 16:51:46

How you can be doing with this man I just don't know. He's spending the nappy money on cocaine! He's spending your Christmas money on nights out for himself. I know it's easier said than done but this man is a waste of space and needs to be told to fuck off.

And, by the way, this roast dinner. Was he going to cook it? Pay for it in a restaurant? Where was that money coming from?

user1497997754 Sun 17-Dec-17 17:01:55

Stay at your parents for Christmas..let him stay by himself....it will give you both to think independently as to whether you wAnt to be in this relationship.

newbirds Sun 17-Dec-17 17:04:36

Cook it I think, he text me mid-afternoon to say he was off to buy ingredients and I replied to say I was out shopping.

He doesn't go out a lot these days (a lot less than earlier this year, when things were at their worst) but he tells me he can only afford to cover the rent and bills when I ask him for money towards Christmas etc. Doesn't seem to understand that he can't afford to contribute to Christmas because he prioritises drink/nights out (even if it's just the one) over it.

For a lot of the last year (perhaps longer) I've been relying on my parents and other family members for the emotional and financial support I feel he should provide. I've tried explaining this to him, but he dismisses it and says I don't ask him for money and 'prefer' to ask my parents for help when it's needed.

It's draining, and I feel like I'm going completely mad. sad

KarmaStar Sun 17-Dec-17 17:13:49

Hi op,
Do you really need him in your life?
You can't go on like this,you need to put you and your dc first.
Are you on the tenancy jointly?.can you get him removed or apply for a place on your own with dc and sort out your finances ,get your head straight and move forward to a calmer future in which you are in control and you're not relying on a selfish partner for small,unreliable funds.
You appear to be at breaking point and ,presumably,your family will come to a point where they can't afford to bail you out.
There's no security for you in this relationship.
I wish you all the best for a happier future flowers

newbirds Sun 17-Dec-17 17:25:11

KarmaStar, thanks, yes I do feel like I'm at breaking point. I desperately want to change this horrible cycle we're trapped in (and I blame myself as much as I blame him, I've really not dealt with things well at all) but he's not willing to go to a counsellor (says we can't afford it), isn't interested in talking about anything (including drawing up a plan for our dire finances) and wants me to stop talking about it all. I've been trying to write a letter for the last week telling him how I feel about everything, but not getting very far.

I don't feel like he's leaving me much option, but I had really hoped we would be able to fix this. I love him, we have had some very good times together and when we 'forget' about all of this we still get on really well. But I feel like as adults we should be able to discuss how we're going to deal with these issues going forward. He just shuts down and refuses to communicate sad

I couldn't afford the rent on my own, so I'd have to move back to my parents' full time and then look into getting my own place.

Thanks for listening to me witter on..

AdalindSchade Sun 17-Dec-17 17:30:51

You aren't going mad, you're in a dysfunctional relationship with an alcohol abuser.

newbirds Mon 18-Dec-17 14:03:35

Sorry for keep returning to this thread, but it gives me the opportunity to vent, which is helping me at the moment while I try and make sense of everything.

Dealt with everything OK yesterday I thought, although he was gunning for a fight over me me not running over there for this roast yesterday I stayed strong.

Then I undid all of that by entering into a futile argument with him this morning about the same old crap. Him telling me that I make all of this up in my head, that it's not how I say it is and I just tell myself he drinks too much to make myself feel better because I am the problem in the relationship. I end up racking my brains for evidence, proof, whatever that I'm not going stir crazy, but of course none of it makes a difference because no matter what evidence or proof I supply, he dismisses it as me being mental.

It's actually doing my head in that he does one thing and says another and everyone believes that I'm this controlling ogre who doesn't want him to enjoy himself or have a life (his mum has actually said this to me previously).

I've tried making all sorts of concessions in case I am being unreasonable, but it doesn't work because he changes the goalposts so often and when I pull him up on it tells me I'm being ridiculous. For example, he agreed with me after drink became a problem in our relationship that he will have two drink free days a week. If he doesn't do this or I find empties which have been put straight in the recycling to disguise how much he's had, first of all I might give him the benefit of the doubt and not say anything. If it continued (which invariably it will, as he's unchallenged on it), I might broach the subject with him, but he immediately shoots me down and tells me I'm overreacting, being unreasonable etc etc and a huge row ensues.

I want to believe what he says to me but there are so many cases where he's stretched or omitted to tell the truth over these things that I feel like I'm going insane. In the past I've tried speaking to his mother about it - this was pre-pregnancy after a drunken wobbly at his mother's house where he was shouting, slamming doors and eventually stormed out and walked 13 miles home in a drunken strop late at night. She was defensive and said, "well, why does [his uncle] drink so much?" She's also a drinker, frustratingly loves to drink and dial, and since pregnancy I've seen her sober a handful of times.

He's close to his sister but she also drinks a lot, and her support for her brother comes by way of a drinking/drug buddy when he's off on one. We're not on speaking terms any more, my fault really as I've lost it (verbally) with her on several occasions over that.

It's impossible to have a conversation with my partner without it descending into this petty tit for tat, but who can help me with that? Even if we split up (which is looking increasingly likely), surely we need to learn how to be amicable towards each other? I absolutely hate this hostility and I want to make things better without compromising too much of what I'm feeling, if that makes sense.

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