Feeling lonely at Christmas - what can I do?

[AndThenThereWereBadgers]

I am going through unwanted divorce at the moment. Separated a year. No children.

I have been really struggling this last week. I had work nights out, lunch with friends, and coffee at my neighbour’s; yet I feel so lonely as if I don’t belong anywhere. I feel like the odd one out, and am constantly on the brink of tears. I just want to go to sleep now and wake up on 6 January.

Has anone got any tips how I can makes the festive season more bearable?

[user1498854363]

What would be your ideal?
I have had quiet Christmas days, it can be tough, but after the actual day, the chaos is over. It’s just one day (a bit like a Sunday with lots of telly!). I’ve had sandwiches for Christmas lunch! Don’t feel u need to do anything..

[Ledkr]

How about volunteering? I've got a big family and busy job but I recently started volunteering at the foodbank and I can't tell you how much o love it and the amazing people I've met
I know round here they haven't been able to open the shelters due to lack of staff.

[CaptainM]

What about a mindfulness/yoga/relaxing retreat for a few days over the holidays?

[AndThenThereWereBadgers]

I will travel to see my parents on the day. Our relationship isn’t the best but I’d be alone otherwise. And I’d be scared of that. I know it sounds pathetic. I’ve tried to get some volunteering but the places I have tried were all sorted - which I suppose is a good thing.

[sandgrown]

I felt like this when my DH left. We did have children but they were quite small. When children were with ex -DH I went our as much as possible rather than mope around listening to "our" Christmas songs.Accept all Invitations. Try and spend Christmas Day with friends or family who love you or you could help out at a charity to take your mind off things. I did enjoy being able to watch whatever I wanted and eat when I wanted. The first Christmas is not easy but you will get through it

[OnlyAFoolishFool]

Sorry no advice... but I feel the same. With 2 children and no home.

[Mintychoc1]

Christmas is a horrible time if your life isn't as you would want it. All the hype and happy family scenes just make you feel even worse about whatever is missing in your own life.

But ultimately it is just a day, and like all days/weeks, it will pass.

The first Christmas after my brother had died, I just decided to see it as a hurdle I had to live through, like an exam. I didn't expect to enjoy it, and I didn't feel I'd failed by not having fun. I let the days pass, knowing the miserable feeling would ease somewhat after the festive period was over.

Just grit your teeth, view it as an unpleasant but mercifully brief phase to get through, and start planning how you're going to make next Christmas much better.

[AndThenThereWereBadgers]

Thank you everyone. And sorry people feeling the same .

Minty, i think you are right. I will just have to accept that this Christmas will be hard and roll with it. It’s a day, and looking at the wider picture and the future is more important.

[ravenmum]

I decided to keep to myself the first year, told anyone I asked I would be with someone else, then spent my time on my own, without other people to make me feel worse. I bought and ate my favourite food and drinks, got myself a TV subscription and watched a favourite series, took the dog on a long walk to feel tired (listening to a favourite podcast), read a book I'd been looking forward to and went to bed early. Without anything to even remind me what time of the year it was, and without having to pretend to be having fun, it was pretty OK.

[ShatnersWig]

But ultimately it is just a day, and like all days

Thing is, it isn't. It's several days. Plus new year. And when you factor in it being advertised and shoved in your face from about mid-October, it's almost impossible to see it as "just a day". I shall see my parents for a couple of hours on Xmas Day, but I will spend 24th, 26th, 27th, 29th, 30th, 1st Jan on my own and probably won't see or speak to anyone on those days. I am at least seeing some friends on 28th and on new year's eve but most friends are busy doing family things, often away themselves.

I went shopping today and outside the supermarket was a brass band playing carols and I almost burst into tears and I'm a 43-year old man.

[spinningpenguin]

My ❤️ goes out to you... Few years back I was in a very similar situation except all my immediate family lives in a different country as well. I know how it feels, kind of like you are always on the outside looking in, like someone else is living your life ... But it does pass eventually, you will feel OK again, in the meantime make yourself your biggest priority and do anything and everything possible to enjoy yourself, cheer yourself up and relax - stock up on lots of comfort food and drinks, spend some time with friends (or not), volunteer in a public kitchen (or not) relax and be lazy lazy lazy, watch some funny stuff on Netflix (you can start with The Good Place), find a Zumba class with Latino teacher and dance your socks off, leave the radio on so when you get home it's not silent, start writing a journal... If you are struggling alot maybe counseling would be a good idea? my biggest regret about my divorce is that I didn't seek professional help... Much love and hope you feel better soon xx

[Nyx1]

Oh OP I feel for you and I'm not even in your situation.

I still want to wake up and it be 6 January. Are you affected by SAD? I find these 2 weeks the hardest of the year and I cannot get much brain function and just want to eat all day.

We don't really do Christmas and I have found that helpful because it's easier to just crack on with life. Thinking of doing a couple of days out in London in museums etc as it might be a quieter time to do it.

I do actually like New Year and always have, so that helps. I'm sorry, I didn't want to read and run but I am sympathetic.

I also find myself extra angry this year - about all the general consumer tat and the fact that some people will care about the homeless etc for one day of the year. I just feel like shouting "stop the madness".Then I dread any of us getting ill because the hospitals etc will all be short staffed and that's on top of how short staffed they normally are!! Gah.

[AndThenThereWereBadgers]

raven I was actually thinking of doing this but my dad isn’t well so I feel I need to see him although relationships are strained. They live in a different country.

wig I can relate - I am constantly in danger of selling up these days. I just want to be able to buy bread and milk without Christmas permanently present.

Thank you, spinning, yes I will look into counselling in the new year as I feel I am not ‘recovering’ as I should.

I hope everyone feels better soon.

[Nyx1]

OP "I just want to be able to buy bread and milk without Christmas permanently present. "

so much this!!!

[ravenmum]

Can you limit the time you are spending with them, so that you don't have to spend hours sitting there pissed off? Claim to be meeting someone somewhere else, claim to have to get a certain train or something? Tbh, this change in your circumstances offers you a good excuse to change some of the traditions that you are not so keen on. And, while you are at it, to do what you want a bit more often.

Last year I spent the period between Xmas and New Year going online dating. That's a bit early for you OP, but anything that gives you something distracting. Cinema trips on your own (to see whatever shitty film you like without apology), book a massage, get your hair done, go on nice walks in the countryside, paint a picture, paint the walls, do a craft project that makes your home look pretty, do aerobics in your sitting room to loud 80s music, learn how to paint your nails really nicely, learn how to cook proper Indian...

Counselling is great if you an afford it. But you don't have to "recover" within a set time. And "recovering" doesn't mean that you wipe the incident from your memory and go back to the way you were before. It can also mean learning new coping techniques, taking up meditation, learning to see things from a different perspective and maybe never being the same again - maybe seeing this time as a turning point in your life.