Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Been together 9 years, marriage is most likely on the cards in the next year or two. Two children together. I do most of the childcare and running of the house whilst he has a well paying stressful job.
Recently we've been.struggling to get on. Mostly petty arguments but a few that get me quite down. He can be quite possessive and jealous and blames this on his two parents dying at a young age and his need to try to ensure he doesnt lose the rest of his family.
But his actions have began to make me feel down especially on a night out. I feel myself not enjoying it and over thinking the way I act as I know the questions to follow the next morning. Id now rather just come home.
We're currently not speaking as I went out on friday night for an overnight for my sisters birthday. We were delayed getting back and didn't get home until 4pm and he had his works night out (hes the boss and is taking his team out).
He was nagging me to hurry up on the phone so I was annoyed as there was no way I could hurry and I kept him updated about delays. He was angry that I was annoyed when I got home. He shouted and swore and kicked a toy as we were having an argument.
He was annoyed that he wasnt ready as he felt unable to get ready for his night out with two kids. Yet I use their nap times whenever I need to do things like this and so I said it was his own fault.
So he went out and knew I was unhappy about his temper tantrums but we were atleast speaking. I wake up at half past 6 and hes still not home. Call him and apparently hes been waiting for a taxi in his team mates house since 5am although they did miss a taxi too. And hes been taking cocaine which he knows I don't like.he eventually gets home at 8am.
Im now upset again as he knows that would make me unhappy on top of last nights events yet doesn't seem to care enough.to stop him.
Then there's the fact that know his team mates were taking drugs with their boss it opens him.up to loss of respect and possible blackmail when we (his family) rely on his job.
He assures me that wont happen but why risk it!
Im crap at verbalising my.feelings and knowing when to let things go or not. Im really upset but dont want to carry this into our christmas break.
He leaves today as well for two days to travel for work so not much time to sort things out.
He came home at 8am though and you came home at 4pm!
The drugs is a whole different issue and it's up to you to decide if you can put up with that
I stayed in a hotel in another city. It was planned I would be home for 2pm but train delays ect meant I wasnt home until 4pm. I didnt stay out all night, I was back in hotel for a reasonable time.
He's very controlling. He ruins the night out and is angry with you when you get home.
He may have lost his parents but treating you like this is unacceptable for you. Makes him feel better though.
Ps i bet you're not crap at verbalising your feelings. I bet he just refuses to hear it.
What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you at all?. I think this relationship ran its course a long time ago and its over really bar the shouting. Possessive and jealous men really do not make for being decent relationship material and I think you were targeted by this individual for him to exploit and use.
Why are you so unsure re knowing when to let things go or not?. Why is this man good enough for you, let alone your children who are in turn putting up with this from him?. They are perceptive and pick up on all the vibes here.
Behaviour like he shows you is all about power and control and that in itself is abusive in nature. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of. I would think he does not give a monkeys about you or these children for that matter, its all about him and what he wants. You cannot love someone like he better nor rescue and or save them.
I would be forming an exit plan in your circumstances to get this individual out of your day to day lives. Womens Aid would be worth talking to.
What do I get?
He provides everything for us. A lovely home and everything we could possibly want or need. He would hand over every penny to the house and family.
I love my life in terms of day to day him working me providing at home. I want nothing more to be a major part of my childrens life, which he happily enables.
Its just when things outside day to day life occur, that the disagreements begin. But they make me feel very confused and upset.
I never know when to let things go as I can become resentful and hold onto things dor a long time when in the grand scheme of things they really dont matter (not just with dp but other issues too).
"He provides everything for us. A lovely home and everything we could possibly want or need. He would hand over every penny to the house and family. I love my life in terms of day to day him working me providing at home. I want nothing more to be a major part of my childrens life, which he happily enables".
There is nothing in there about any mutual love, companionship and respect. Its simply about the lifestyle and he is putting that at risk due to his own drug taking. This could also impact on his being employed at all and is possessive of and towards you ; do you really want to marry him knowing this also?. You've kept quiet at your own expense and have probably also modified your behaviour around him too. You still want to marry him?
What did you learn about relationships when growing up; what sort of an example did your parents show you?.
Is this the life you envisaged for yourself and your children; he latched onto you a long time ago and has not let go. Such men like you describe really do not let go of their chosen victims at all easily.
Fair point about not mentioning about love, respect ect. I thought by explaining his actions and commitment to the family shows his love and dedication. I do genuinely love him. He is generally a great person and is on the whole very calm and patient especially with the children.
He adores me, would never ever cheat or even look at another woman. I know this and trust him completely. I feel lucky for this.
MY own parents relationship was and is still terrible. They divorced when I was 7, my dad was emotional and physically abusive. My mum had to flee to a homeless unit with three kids.
The going out til 8am and taking drugs, its not very often it happens although it does and when it does im unhappy and he knows that. But the people he is with all have wifes and some children and don't seem to get too much hassle for it.
Other partners cheat or have cheated in the past and they seem to work through it.
So whilst im unhappy in my situation at times, I look around at others relationship and partners and feel like I could be over reacting.
Others will say he works hard (which he does) and deserves a "blow out" to relax and to just let it go. And thats when I get conflicted.
I'm going to try and be balanced here. Even though the delay wasn't your fault...I can understand why he was annoyed. I also find that women in general are better at multitasking...so you would easily get ready with the kids and he would struggle.
His cocaine use is a separate ... but I personally couldn't deal with it and would worry about him being caught... as it's illegal.
Using it with his team is just stupid.
That asides.... you say he adores you... if you love him...then consider relationship counselling. Be honest and tell him how you feel and your worries that the constant arguing will cause the end of the marriage.
Don't blame him for everything.... be clear that it's a 'we' problem. Blaming will cause defensiveness and counter accusations.
Communication is key...and not leaving it till you reach the point of no return.
I do wonder how helpful it is in general on MN...when a poster wants to work through an issue and others respond with insults toward her DP/DH.
A marriage requires hard work on both sides....when children are involved ... more thought should be given.
It only takes a look at the step parenting threads to realise and reinforce that it's no easy challenge.
That's not to say... you should stay in a relationship you aren't happy in.
Thanks, its helpful to see another perspective. Its difficult as I want to provide a family for my children, with both parents. I wouldnt walk away easily. I just need help to how to tackle this. I often feel unable to talk. He can be pleading and apologising for hours but I need time to work through it alone. So it often appears like im giving him the silent treatment.
Hes in bed now anyway, will probably wake up, pack a case and leave for work around 3pm.
It just feels a bit shit.
He is a controlling type at the very least.
That's how he manages at his job and that's how he manages you.
His work environment is a survive or die. If you don't beat your colleagues into submission they'll do it to you.
That's what happened when you were delayed. He made it so unpleasant that you won't think of taking a night out again. It has nothing to do with whether you could help the delay or not. That's probably how he handles his team at work.
He won't change.
So you need to ask yourself if the trade off is worth your while.
Comfort + arguments vs going it alone.
Thanks for the input.
Had a chance to speak to him and hes apologised and promised to change.
Thing is we've been here before. He feels very possessive and blames it on things in the past. Like his parents dying or me not being truthful in the beginning of our relationship about how many people I had slept with (I decreased the number as I felt embarrassed) & then it makes me feel like its justified.
I dont know but I feel really fed up. A few weeks ago I went out for dinner with my sister and he said I looked nice but that I never made that kind of effort with him (even though I did).
I went out two weeks ago for my friends birthday and fake tanned my stomach and again he moaned that I never done that for him and implied that it was for other men. It infuriates me and when I get upset he says he can't trust me because of xyz in the past.
I am a sahm, I devote every minute to my family. Im not interested in anyone else yet he still worries.
Its leading to anxiety when im out. I go home early and hope he'll be happy. But he asks if I spoke to any men and I say no but worry he'll find out about the guy that briefly spoke to me in the taxi queue (if my sisters had to mention it ect) despite it being completely innocent.
Then hes started to get increasingly angry and swear and last night kicked a toy that landed on me. A few weeks ago we were arguing in the car (without kids) and he sped up which scared me.
I know its wrong and its making me sad but he promises to change and life is so easy apart from all of this.
Everything is perfect whilst I'm pregnant and breastfeeding as I don't go out. But as soon as normal life resumes, we seem to fall apart.
I found it really said when you said you feel lucky because you "know" he wouldn't cheat on you.
Look, I actually have a marriage behind me where my XH cheated all the time. I'm engaged now - I don't feel remotely "lucky" that my fiancé doesn't cheat on me. That's a fucking basic!!!! I'm not "lucky" that my fiancé isn't an arsehole. I was just unlucky that the last one was.
I personally don't think you should stay with him, but it's not my decision. But I would say that if you do want to stay with him, stop considering yourself lucky for things that you should fundamentally expect.
Thanks, I do expect him to be faithful. I genuinely would not accept any infidelity but when I compare him to others partners I feel lucky in that hes faithful and provides for us. I feel grateful.
Everyone tells me how lucky I am. Im living the dream ect so to then think otherwise is difficult.
I just can't believe im in this situation again. We were almost splitting up two years ago as he was too controlling. Then I fell pregnant and everything was fine again.
Im just scared its the cycle repeating again. Him being possessive, me being unhappy, him being overly nice and promising to change, repeat.
Im pretty certain he was planning to propose before the end of the year.
re your comment:-
"MY own parents relationship was and is still terrible. They divorced when I was 7, my dad was emotional and physically abusive".
And so is the man you are now with. He does not have to hit you (yet) to hurt you; what he is doing to you works for him and he does this also because he can. He likes seeing you squirm about.
We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. The above says an awful lot as well; your parents taught you a lot of damaging stuff about relationships which you have gone onto basically replicate in your relationship now with this man you have shackled yourself to..
What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?.
He was controlling two years ago and he is still controlling you (and in turn your children) now. Controlling behaviours like he shows you are abusive and the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one.
You seem grateful he is not actually unfaithful to you. Its a very low bar you have there it really is. And that is also why this man latched onto you; you were targeted by this man really because he saw in you some qualities that he can and has indeed exploited. These men are masters of manipulation and he has and is playing you like a violin. He likes keeping you barefoot and dependent on him because he likes having you around to abuse. He holds all the power and control here in this relationship because he also knows that you won't leave.
As Smeaton has written, "What's the point of being with someone if it makes you angst ridden, questioning yourself, walking on eggshells or getting shouted at for something beyond your control?"
If you have counselling do not go with him and go on your own instead. It will be a good investment in your own self because your parents taught you an awful lot of damaging stuff about relationships too. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He won't go anyway because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong here with regards to you.
If you were to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft this man you are with would be in those pages. He does not love you and never has; he does not know the meaning of the word. Controlling behaviours are abusive and abuse is about having power and control over another.
All he does is pay for your lifestyle and he expects to dictate your behaviour as part of the deal. He cannot blame everything on his childhood and think that makes his controlling behaviour ok. He should be going to therapy to deal with his issues not using them as an excuse to control you.
It sounds like he has potential to be violent towards you; he was aggressive when you argued.
He kicked a toy, next time he could kick you.
Oh and he takes drugs.
Is this really the type of example you should show your children? I'm sure you wouldn't want them to grow up to either be abusive or accept abusive behaviour in a relationship.
Basically he wants you barefoot and pregnant so you are stuck at home and he can do what he wants when he wants.
Tell him he needs to book himself therapy fast. Find out if he has any intention of changing.
He does sound like a controlling bully and I'm not sure they do change, as for taking cocaine, reckless driving, kicking toys at you - to keep you trapped and frightened...
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.