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I don't know what to do anymore

(13 Posts)
CocoPopsLover333 Sun 17-Dec-17 01:07:50

Have nc'd for this but been around for a while.
Basically my DP and I keep getting into debates and arguments over pathetic crap.
Tonight, we had both been drinking a bit (I had been at a family occasion, he had just decided to drink upon finishing work - work he only did to get out of seeing my family) anyway, I brought up that I'd like a tip run doing next week and he lost his shit about it! I've been asking for at least 6 months now for this tip run as we are non-existent on storage space now (old broken baby gates, hoovers and toys no longer needed/used) Every time I mentioned in the past I've said I'll get a friend to do it for some money and got 'No, I'll do it weekend' reply from DP. It never got done, clearly. Its now a week til Christmas and I'd mentioned last week Id like it do before xmas so we have more space for all the presents etc and he said he'd sort it, again hasn't done anything but forget about it. I appreciate he works - bloody hard - but I know and he knows he won't do it so i don't understand why he won't let me ask a friend?! It's not like I'm inviting a stranger in, he knows the person and its a long time friend of mine who happens to own a van - DP sees this as 'dodgy'. Anyway I mentioned it tonight in a jokey way saying 'you'll get no presents if its not done' and he started started at me, screaming about how hard he works and this, that and the other which in turn made me get on the defensive and shout back saying all I'm asking is half a day to do it then I'll never nag about it again. This all came after he decided (drunk) to buy our DS a bouncy castle (a fucking bouncy castle!?!?!) just because, with no regard of where the fuck we are going to put it, which is why I mentioned doing the tip run. (I have had less than half the drinks he's had and always have water with it as we have DS asleep upstairs so I don't think I was 'antagonising' as he said i was.) Anyway, it ended in a physical fight, the second time in our 4 year relationship this has happened, he only pushes me but hard enough that I fall or crash into to something but then I lose my mind and go for him like a manic, slapping, punching, kicking all sorts and everything and I can't help myself - all he has to do is touch me once in the wrong way and I lose it, no matter how calm or how sober I am, I've attacked him many times without much provocation, just if he's spoke to me the wrong way - but it's only ever when he's had too much to drink. He cannot just have one or two it has to be 8-10 cans of beer then he'll start on the whiskey and that's when he changes. I can't have a conversation about anything with him but I can't leave him on his own because he just wouldn't stop - I have to force him to bed. It's not an everyday thing, weekly I'd say, but still hard to deal with. I believe he's turning into his dad - an alcoholic (not admitted) who'd just had to have major back surgery due to falling over whilst drunk - DP doesn't get this and doesn't see any problem with 'having a beer after a long week' neither do I! When its a beer not a pub full.
We both need help, but where and how to we get it? He won't stop drinking or go to meetings and I don't want him to, just cut down on binge drinking would do for me. And I need help with my anger, it's playing out into looking after my DS now - I am not hitting my child, just shouting a lot at little stupid things and getting angry very quickly.
I have no idea what to do or whats going on - all I want is old shit out my house!

Koala2018 Sun 17-Dec-17 01:56:43

You are right, you need sort your anger issues out. You have no right to lay a finger on him or shout at your son unnecessarily just to vent your anger. Please seek help for this as it's an extremely toxic environment for your son to grow up in.

Also, if you want stuff out of your house do it yourself.

Please seek counselling or classes to control your aggressive/maniac outbursts as this is not normal and toxic/damaging for you in the long term but most importantly your child. Get yourself on a waiting list with the NHS if you can't afford it yourself and in the mean time google and research yourself how to help control your aggressive outbursts as it's toxic

MistressDeeCee Sun 17-Dec-17 02:16:31

Koala a man pushes a woman so hard that she falls and crashes into an object, then you say SHE should get help for anger issues? Textbook idiotic.

What should she do then? Never ask him for help with anything...bearing in mind she has arranged help via a friend, but it's husband goadily saying no, then not helping? & that he drinks a lot more than OP? What should she do when he hits her - sit on the floor where he's pushed her?

I would lose my shit if anybody, much less a man, laid an absolute finger on me in violent fashion. It is NOT just a push and shove, it is violence.

MN has sunk to a new low - fucking domestic violence apologists seamlessly bypassing the wrong a man has done, and laying blame on woman solely. It's like DM readers have crawled from their pit, over to this site.

OP dont take any notice at all of Koala, some people relish landing here to make women feel worse. You should have just arranged with your friend to take the broken items away. Either way would have led to an argument anyway. I think your DH is your issue - you don't sound good together at all. This needs to be addressed one way or the other.

Initially make it extremely clear that when the 2 of you are talking and he disagrees, he is not to push you or shove you to send you flying. He is not to lay a hand on you in this way. He is doing it on purpose, and to hurt you. Don't minimise it. & you don't want to be in a position to want to retaliate.

Nicecuppatea21 Sun 17-Dec-17 02:56:25

The two of you need to stop behaving like that and look after your son properly. The two of you are a disgrace, drinking too much and getting into drunken rows.. Put the crap into your car and drive to the dump yourself. Cop yourselves on and start to behave like adults.

Have you any idea how damaging this shit is for your son. Shouting is as damaging to a child as physical abuse. If I lived anywhere near you I would report you both to social services. Grow up and look after your son.

RavenLG Sun 17-Dec-17 03:17:34

Oh do fuck off Mistress

No one is being a domestic violence sympathiser here but you. No it’s absolutely not ok for her DP to push her, but what you also fail to grasp in your blind rage is that she said she physically attacks her DP without provocation. No fucking way is that right at all.

OP it sounds like you both have massive issues you need to sort out. I would absolutely take a break from this relationship to deal with those issues. Contact women’s services that help with DV and get help with your anger. Your partner needs to get help with his drinking and anger too.

Whisky2014 Sun 17-Dec-17 03:26:55

Why do you need his permission to get a friend to do it? Just organise it.

Joysmum Sun 17-Dec-17 03:32:24

Your relationship is turning you into someone you don’t want to be.

As much as you want to fix this, you can’t fix your dh and unless he’s willing to fix things too then you can’t fix your relationship.

This means that your only recourse is to end the relationship because if you don’t you’re choosing to bring your ds up in a household of violence and domestic abuse. Please don’t minimise that as your day will be damaged by your choice to raise him in this fashion.

You can’t be responsible for your dh’s actions and behavior, all you can do is be responsible for your own and you absolutely have to do right by your ds and protect him.

Worriedrose Sun 17-Dec-17 04:01:00

Just sounds utterly toxic on an epic scale
Your poor child.

MistressDeeCee Sun 17-Dec-17 05:24:54

RavenLG - take your own advice. & fuck off headfirst back to your pit.

The man hit her first and you and your Ilk are so dickmatised you couldn't even address that first, before rushing in full pelt to attack an OP verbally who is asking for help not judgment. Now I'll leave you to be an echo its about your level

Koala2018 Sun 17-Dec-17 12:24:25

Mistress- re-read the post. She has a history of un-provoked attacks on him.

She has sunken to domestic violence. Weather she's a man or a woman. Not everyone with a vagina is a victim and not everyone with a vagina can physically assault their partner and unnecessarily shout at their child to vent.

She's asking for advice and the advice is she needs professional help to control her anger as it's toxic and damaging to her poor child

RavenLG Sun 17-Dec-17 23:34:50


Ah, I see. Let's break this down since you're so overwhelmed with hatred for me, it seems to be unclear to you.

OP's DP is a bastard. We've established this. He needs to curb his drinking and get seek professional help for his anger. He has also abused OP by laying hands on her and pushing her. He needs to seek help for this and think of the impact it has on his DS and what it may do to affect DS's view of women. However, he is also a victim of domestic abuse. Just because he has a penis doesn't change that fact.

Going on the limited information OP has provided she seems to be the main physical attacker in this relationship. DP has pushed her twice, while she has said she often physically attacks him for, I quote, "just if he's spoke to me the wrong way". She has said " I lose my mind and go for him like a manic, slapping, punching, kicking all sorts and everything and I can't help myself" how is that healthy behaviour? That is domestic violence, and just because she's a poor little women, doesn't make it right and she needs to be told! Also she is taking her anger out on her son, verbally. This is not good parental behaviour and will have a serious impact on her child.

Perhaps THAT is why "me and my ilk" are "rushing in full pelt to attack an OP". Or as I see it, offering our opinion and advice on a seemingly toxic and dangerous relationship which stems from abhorrent behaviour on both sides. Perhaps people are addressing the most serious points they have taken from this text, that a woman is physically abusing her DP on a seemingly regular basis and has moved on to verbally attacking her child? Just a thought, but you know I'm so "dicktamised" I haven't got a clue have I.

What do you want me to say to OP? Oh poor you lovvey, you poor soul. LTB and call the police, press charges and find yourself a doormat who will sit back and take your physical abuse? Or and shouting at your kid in anger is normal of course it is, give the little bastard a slap too, he's got a penis he deserves it.

RavenLG Sun 17-Dec-17 23:35:33

That should read hatred for men, but me seemingly fits too. [shrug]

category12 Mon 18-Dec-17 07:48:04

You need to separate.

You need to seek help individually.

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