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Advice anyone?

(53 Posts)
Stickstickstick Sat 16-Dec-17 23:11:26

Not really sure why I have left it so late to post but to say I'm devestated is an understatement.

My grandfather recently
Passed away so I know I am
Grieving at the moment also and I'm shocked that this has happened.

So my "DP" of 4 years went out last Saturday night, all fine, nothing unusual and went to work on Sunday but left one of his phones and asked me to find it (we both have two at the moment as waiting for contract to finish) anyway I found the phone and my gut was telling me to look (this is not something I have felt I needed to do previously )

Upon looking through his phone, I found screenshots of women in their underwear he had been sent (apparently because they get bored they send him naked pictures), he had text his ex on the night out to apologise for everything and a series of very flirty texts.

Anyway I confronted him about this and he explained was just a bit of banter and that he respects me enough not to actually go and do anything with another woman.

Anyway, I still had a gut feeling something wasn't right but he convinced me all was ok and we were fine, or so I thought, until the following day when he goes ape about me going through his phone as it means he can no longer trust me and I have no respect for him?

He then said he still loved me etc and would be there for my grandfathers funeral etc whilst continuing to stay in my house (he's adamant he's going back to his parents next week) and I then establish today that he got another woman's number last week - but he told her he was single and he lived with his parents and we were just good friends when he met her last Saturday - when I asked him about this he said he wanted her number as a friend as he doesn't have many (in my mind this is BS):

I feel completely alone/upset/angry/stressed I've not eaten in a week, currently waiting a message for him to let me know if he will be home tonight or not (as he has gone out again - we have two small DC aged under 2) and I just have no idea what to do - I love him and really want to sort this but doesn't seem to feel like he does - despite him continuing to say how much he loves me sad

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 16-Dec-17 23:14:20

Oh I'm so sorry, but this man isn't the one for you. He's lying, cheating and blaming you for being suspicious.

Honestly, this sort of thing never ends well, though it often takes the woman ages to finish it. Try thinking of what he does rather than what he says. And raise your standards for someone to love.

Stickstickstick Sat 16-Dec-17 23:19:40

sad I know what you are saying is correct, it's a bitter pill to digest at the moment!

I can't eat (have been living off energy boosting drinks all week) feel physically sick and just keep bursting into tears, I just wish I could wake up tommorow and it all be sorted sad

AnyFucker Sat 16-Dec-17 23:19:40

He's a shagger, love

Save yourself. You will have a life of miserable insecurity if you stay with him.

mehhh Sat 16-Dec-17 23:20:27

Please please please leave him..

He seems to me like he wants to be one of the 'lads' texting girls and getting people's numbers.. if he had any respect he would not be doing this and you deserve to be treated better

And then to turn it around onto you for looking! He is the issue, not you, do not let him twist it!!

Men like this make me so angry!!

Stickstickstick Sat 16-Dec-17 23:26:04

You are right but why am I finding it so bloody hard to do 😓

I know I shouldn't have gone through his phone but I am glad I did now else I would have been none the wiser - just proves my gut instinct was correct I suppose!
Sorry for rambling and sled pitying replies but I just can't believe it!

AnyFucker Sat 16-Dec-17 23:28:10

It's not self pitying to be horrendously shocked and upset. flowers

oatlybaristasista Sat 16-Dec-17 23:31:37

People with nothing to hide have no issue with their partners going through their phone! A man in a relationship shouldn't be out getting girls numbers 'as friends' He has 2 young dc ffs - what realm of reality is he living in??

He will damage you if you allow this to continue. Please don't listen to his shit. You and your dc are worth so much more. take care thanks

Stickstickstick Sat 16-Dec-17 23:35:07

Oh no I know, I'm just shocked - he also said now he cannot trust me and I have no respect for him!

I don't think the fact I am grieving at the moment is helping also - should I still allow him to come to the funeral? Part of me wants to tell him to f**k off but then he is entitled to pay his respects as well?!

He already gives me money every month for the DCs so that isn't an issue I just have no idea where to begin as my tenancy is due to expire shortly and isn't being renewed either :/ he has also requested I spend Christmas Day with his family as planned - I'm happy to go for a few hours so I can see everyone and open presents etc but the thought of spending all day playing happy families is filling me with dread sad

BrokenBattleDroid Sat 16-Dec-17 23:37:05

Oh crap, that's not good is it sad

Let him go and don't bother with the 'pick me' business, never ever worth it and you'll look back and feel cross at yourself for bothering.

He's pissed off with you because he's deflecting - he knows his behavior is way over the line so he goes on the defensive and turns it back on you for snooping. A handy get out clause for him and you're clearly untwisting. He HAS cheated though (imo).

What a nightmare for you though. I'd say pull your support network in close now before he gets his story out first and tries to paint you as jealous/pathetic/crazy. Tell your friends and family, don't be embarrassed and don't protect his embarrassment. I'm not meaning a smear campaign, just honesty, so that people can see that you need support and he doesn't.

You will be just fine, happy in fact, but there's gonna be a bloody hard chunk to soldier through first. flowerscakewine

BrokenBattleDroid Sat 16-Dec-17 23:39:44

Untwisting = untrusting

BrokenBattleDroid Sat 16-Dec-17 23:44:44

Re Christmas, he doesn't want to spend Christmas with everyone thinking he's a shitbag, that's why he's suggested it.

Only do it if that's what you'd like to do anyway for the kids or whatever. If it sounds like hell (of course it does) you do NOT have to.

Tenency ending sounds like a chance to get that deposit back for yourself and find a new rental for you and your kids. A fresh start, only yours. I'd say it's a blessing in disguise really as it won't be full of painful memories.

Stickstickstick Sat 16-Dec-17 23:46:14

No rental deposit as was via a friend of a friend, it's just all shite and all happening at once, I don't know what to say sad

BrokenBattleDroid Sat 16-Dec-17 23:51:41

Oh you poor love flowers

Anyone you can borrow from for a deposit? What are his parents like? Would they be horrified at his behavior and try to help out?
To be honest I think he should be paying it as it would be a family expense if he wasn't buggering off.

Stickstickstick Sat 16-Dec-17 23:54:14

I would have asked my grandfather but sadly that's not an option - no most of his family, as lovely as they are, don't have the money to help me and his response is I should just go and get a council house when I try to broach the subject :/

BrokenBattleDroid Sun 17-Dec-17 00:01:29

Just get a council house hmm What an arse. Does he not care about where his kids will live?!

I have no idea about housing issues though - maybe go to the CAB or start a separate housing thread as I bet loads of posters will have good ideas. When do you have to be out?

AnnieAnoniMouse Sun 17-Dec-17 00:02:48

I’m sorry about your Grandfather 💐. I was very close to both of mine & I was devastated when they died.

As for ‘d’P. You need to pull on your Big Girl Pants and deal with this. You looked at his phone, small fry compared to getting girls numbers, sexting, apologising to the ex & flirting eithnher etc. Deflection.

Tell him to go to his parents tomorrow (today now!). Tell him it’s over, him doing all of this shit isn’t acceptable. Then tell him he’s not welcome at your grandfathers funeral, but should he decide to attend anyway he’s to sit at the back & stay away from you and not ev3n th8nk about attending afterwards. Tell him that you aren’t going to play ‘happy families’ with him over Christmas. He can take the kids to his families at an agreed time.

Get out now while the kids are small & will adjust. If you stay you are begging for more of this & far worse. There’s no ‘fixing’ this, there really isn’t.

It’s miserable, especially right before Christmas, but just do it & start the New Year with this all behind you.

Stickstickstick Sun 17-Dec-17 00:03:43


The end of January is when my tenancy is up - not that there is anything wrong with getting a council place but the thought of temporary accommodation scares the crap out of me and I feel that may tip me over the edge health wise - I've suffered from PND this year and still feeling fragile :/

Jellyheadbang Sun 17-Dec-17 00:41:38

What a cunt. You’re in shock. No surprise. Give it time but remember, you only know the bare minimum. As soon as you feel strong enough get rid. He’s not sorry and he will not change.
Poor you but also lucky you for finding out so now you can make an informed decision.

Stickstickstick Sun 17-Dec-17 00:58:00

As selfish as it sounds I wish I hadn't found out until after Christmas and the funeral 😓

hollowtree Sun 17-Dec-17 01:03:03

I'm so sorry OP but get out while you can. No one deserves this and he doesn't deserve you

Stickstickstick Sun 17-Dec-17 03:30:57

No I know, he came back from his night out and we had words but I'm really really cross because he's trying to turn it all around on me, thankfully he left and has gone to his parents but I'm wide awake now

Koala2018 Sun 17-Dec-17 03:34:49

Oh goodness sad This isn't just one slip up, this is a number of hurtful/disrespectful decisions he has made without yours or the relationships interest in mind. Please leave this situation and find someone who cares/loves/treats you well/doesn't chase other women. You don't deserve to put up with this BS. It will hurt at first but hanging on to this disaster will only make it more painful and chaotic. Put yourself first.

Joysmum Sun 17-Dec-17 03:41:24

Go to the council and tell them you’ll be homeless. Look into what benefits you will be entitled to and make sure you apply.

Ignore or call him out when he talks about trusting you as you can trust in yourself and know he’s never got you and your children’s best interests at heart and you all deserve better than him.

Make everything official so you can support your kids.

You can’t change him and his behave suggests he certainly believes he can change and control you to keep you under his thumb and enable his piss poor behavior. Don’t fall for it. Protect your kids from him.

LastOneDancing Sun 17-Dec-17 08:12:18

Oh OP Im so sorry you're going through this.
I've been in a similar situation of being betrayed while my DF was seriously ill in hospital and it was the darkest time. All you want is some comfort from the person you love, and instead they cause you even more pain.
All I can promise is that it will get better.

You mention in your OP it's your house - so why are you & the kids leaving? Him blaming you for checking his phone is an easy get out, keep focused that he's the cheating fucker who was contacting other people. Even if it was just pictures it's vile & direspectful to you and the family you built together.

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