Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

MIL rant... Sorry

(9 Posts)
puglife15 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:54:48

I'm sorry to add to the anti MIL sentiment but I'm not sure if I'm over sensitive, she's insensitive or she's passive aggressive and manipulative and doing things on purpose. What do you think?

Some examples today:
going on and on about how much she was looking forward to spending time with her other GCs (who she sees a lot) in front of me and my DC and listing in great detail very loudly to them in front of us all the fun things they have planned. The other GC are clearly the favourites especially over my older DC (younger one still cute enough to get attention). So maybe I'm oversensitive to this and this is ok??

Telling me and DH about a friend's "poor" son who is struggling and exhausted because they have an hour's commute and demanding (very well paid) jobs and one (sleeping) child... DH has an hour's commute, we both have demanding much less well paid jobs and two non sleeping children, DH has in the past confessed our situation has caused him MH problems and... Nothing. No offer of help, not even an acknowledgement of what he wrote to her.

Saying how now everyone will be afraid of touching other people since the whole Weinstein scandal and how a male friend of hers used to touch her bum and she was fine with it.

There is also a history of putting down DH and making what she would call harmless fun out of our DC1 which of course colours my view for good reason, but I would like to know if this sort of behaviour is "acceptable" and I'm just overreacting (to myself).

pallasathena Sun 17-Dec-17 00:40:53

You are probably overthinking. Its a hugely common problem in British society currently...particularly to demonise other women...Mother in Laws in particular.
You see... as odd as it might appear to you, people are entitled to a point of view. They are entitled to a view of the world that doesn't actually mesh with your own,personal view of the world and as odd as it may seem to you...they are actually freely allowed to voice dissent.
Its called democracy and freedom of speech and its part and parcel of being a nation that allows its citizens to have a voice.
Stop demonising other women in your life. Its so 1950's........

dingodon Sun 17-Dec-17 03:38:29

What a loada shite pallasathena. OP suggest you limit your time if you can with MIL and let your DH deal with her.

RainyApril Sun 17-Dec-17 04:07:17

I think you're over sensitive about her talking about the other dcs. Why on earth shouldn't she be excited about spending time with her other gcs? Is she supposed to pretend they don't exist, say unkind things about them, what? She probably talks about your dc when she sees them!

Also fine to be making conversation about someone she knows having a hard time combining parenthood with a demanding job, it's just conversation, not competitive misery.

The Weinstein thing is pure ignorance. She has probably read headlines and formed an opinion without reading any detail. Sadly not that uncommon, I hear people voicing ill-informed opinions all the time. Also, wrong but generational to think women should be able to shrug off assault because they did and 'turned out fine'. Fine to challenge I think, but we are all a product of our own experiences.

What's not fine imo is that your dh, her son, has struggled with MH issues and she has not offered any support or even acknowledged it, assuming you made her aware of it.

The more I read threads like this, the more I worry about being a mil. Now even talking happily about other family members or making small talk about friends is seen as objectionable.

My advice would be to speak up at the time, while it's happening - 'it does sound like that family is struggling, rather like we were last year' or 'I hope you were that excited about visiting us'. That way misunderstandings, amongst families who love each other anyway, can be cleared up straight away.

Coyoacan Sun 17-Dec-17 04:27:35

I grew up with a grandmother in the house who always made it quite clear that she preferred my cousins and it sucks.

Whereas my MIL loved all her grandchildren as if they were favourites. I know whose funeral I cried at.

puglife15 Sun 17-Dec-17 06:59:44

Thanks for the responses.

To be clear she was talking to the favoured GCs about how excited she was to see them and spend time with them and all the things they were going to do. She doesn't say things like that to my DCs.

She is very entitled to speak about the struggling family of course, it just smarts when she's never acknowledged what a hard time we've had even when DH had the guts to tell her about the problems he'd been having.

Included the other example as I think it shows a bit of insensitivity and lack of empathy that "I didn't mind being touched so why does everyone else make a fuss?"

I do say things at the time btw and it doesn't go down well.

Pidgythe2nd Sun 17-Dec-17 07:07:51

She's sounds like my horrible mil who loves to play favourites with her other grandchildren.
It's either on purpose or she's so insensitive she doesn't realise. I haven't worked it out yet.
I limit contact and as the poster above said, my DC gave no relationship with her so I probably wouldn't even take them to her funeral. Perhaps for DH but they certainly wouldn't cry. My parents on the other hand invest in the DC and benefit from a wonderful relationship.
Think of it as her loss.

RainyApril Sun 17-Dec-17 08:19:32

Well then yes she is insensitive.

How does your dh feel about her? If he had a happy childhood, loves her, doesn't see the problem then I think I'd put some time into why she seems to prefer her other gc. Life is a mirror, and you get out what you put in. Do the other gc seem more pleased to see her, spend more time with her, draw pictures for her?

If your dh agrees with you, then I'd be much less willing to put any effort in and limit contact, her loss.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 17-Dec-17 08:44:50

People who generally do not have such emotionally unhealthy relations to deal with often state "you're being too sensitive" comments as well. It is undermining your own very real feelings here and that is just wrong on all levels. It is also hurtful and shows no real insight or even empathy to your situation with your MIL. unknown.

You would not tolerate this from a friend and MIL here is no different. Its not about her being a MIL either; people can be dysfunctional anyway no matter what their position within the family is. His mother is not emotionally healthy and that likely started in her own childhood as well.

Its not your fault nor your DHs that she is like this but both of you need to urgently raise your boundaries a lot higher than they have been to date. She certainly does not like you challenging her assertions and I would absolutely lower all forms of contact with her now. Your DH probably cannot or will not stand up for his own self here due to his own fear, obligation and guilt feelings re his mother in turn due to her own conditioning of him.

I would certainly not want you all to keep on hearing such overt favouritism towards other relatives and their children. Its a deliberate act on her part and undermining your own selves both as people and parents to your own children. Your own children will notice if they have not already that nan is favouring their cousins and it is hurtful to them as well.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and in your case your DH is the scapegoat for all his mother's and her family unit's inherent ills. This is why others are so favoured; with scapegoats like your DH their entire family also are also scapegoated as a result.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now