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So I slapped him...

(68 Posts)
worsethanever Sat 16-Dec-17 16:01:57

Back story so no drip feed.

Have been together 20 years. Married 10. Two children under 6.

In the last year or so he has become physically and verbally abusive. This has involved viscous name calling and pushing me or restraining me which has led to bruises (in front of the children). I have never physically retaliated.

Today he started up the verbal in front of the children. Full in my face shouting and spitting. Saying our children are spoiled brats and I make them worse. I was trying to keep the peace and quieten them down.

He was millimetres from my face just raging. I don't know why I did it, it was not premeditated but I slapped him hard across the face. He walked away because he'd never 'hit' a woman.

I'm at my wits end. I've lowered myself to his level and I'm disgusted with myself. I lashed out (in front of the children) because I was cornered and angry, but it's no excuse. I've been excusing him for so long and now I've dropped to his level and I can't excuse myself.

This is beyond fixing isn't it?

ThisLittleKitty Sat 16-Dec-17 16:05:41

Ofcourse this is beyond saving. Your violent to each other infront of your children.

abbsisspartacus Sat 16-Dec-17 16:06:38

Take your kids and leave

ThisLittleKitty Sat 16-Dec-17 16:09:22

What when your children go to school and tell the school whats been happening at home..because they will.

YellowMakesMeSmile Sat 16-Dec-17 16:11:37

You need to split and both of you need to seek help.

When the children tell somebody at school what happened the schools will have to call SS and follow their safeguarding procedures. If you call fist and ask for help it will look better.

chinam Sat 16-Dec-17 16:13:13

While I don't condone violence, I think you've been pushed beyond breaking point. Please see this as a wake up call and figure out some way to get you and your children out of this situation.

RainbowHash Sat 16-Dec-17 16:17:32

It's not fair on you or the kids to be in this situation. It will effect them negatively to witness this aggressive behaviour. I don't blame you for lashing out though.

I'm sure leaving must seems terribly scary after being together such a long time, but I can't see there being another option. An abuser won't change. Can you imagine a more free, happy life?

I'm in the process of separating and despite the emotional roller coaster, the sense of feeling free is wonderful. Making the final call felt like I was leaping off a cliff edge. Long term, I don't know what's in store, but I do know that I've got my sense of self back and I'm content, in a deep down kind of way.

Sounds to me that your situation just can't go on. I'm sorry 💐

RainbowHash Sat 16-Dec-17 16:19:02

And don't beat yourself up about what has happened. This is your wake up call. Just think forwards.

worsethanever Sat 16-Dec-17 16:34:59

The school welfare officer called earlier in the year. It's a given that they will tell. I'm not swearing them to secrecy. I will admit what I did, last time they called was because he physically punished the youngest and I got in between it and got 'shoved over'. I lied for him, I was ashamed, he said he'd get help with his temper. He hasn't touched the children or me since, but verbally it's just the same. And no, he didn't get help.

Go where exactly? Genuine question. I have no friends or family within 400 miles and a full time job. If I move I lose my job, my home, my life. I can't just pack up and go tonight. I pay more of the mortgage and childcare costs, we earn similar amounts but I spend my money on the home and children.

I am not a violent person, I've never hit anyone before. The worst I've ever done is raise my voice. I'm no saint but I never thought my life would come to this.

Yes, it's a wake up call I'm just not sure where to start? I know it HAS to be over but how?

Thank you for not flaming me for being an abuser. I feel like one.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 16-Dec-17 16:44:30

If anyone is leaving the marital home it should be him now. You need to get your children and yourself out of this abusive situation, there is no turning back from violence in any case.

I would seek legal advice re divorcing your H as well as the help of Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations as soon as possible. There is help out there for you.

RainbowHash Sat 16-Dec-17 17:26:55

How do you think he'll react if you tell him you want to separate, as a first step? Is there any chance it would be a relief for him too and maybe he would move out. Could you buy him out? Or is it likely to be a red flag to a bull?

ThisLittleKitty Sat 16-Dec-17 17:40:22

I don't think your an abuser sounds like you were pushed to your limits but I'm surprised ss hasn't got involved? You won't have a choice about leaving then as with violence around kids they will make the choice for you.

Blackteadrinker77 Sat 16-Dec-17 17:48:08

When did this start? What changed?

I do think you need to get him to leave the home while you work out where to go from here. Violence is never the answer and these children needed protected from the toxic environment.

Whooptydoo1 Sat 16-Dec-17 17:54:51

Whilst hitting him wasn’t right, it was completely understandable given the fact you were cornered and have experienced years of his abusive behaviour, don’t give yourself a hard time over it, he needs to leave, at least for the time being. Do you have friends you can confide in? I know your family live far away but can they at least offer some emotional support?

worsethanever Sat 16-Dec-17 18:31:39

He has already said he will not leave (I didn't ask, although he said I did, the usual gaslight), his threatening demeanour says it all. I have asked him to discuss our separation next week while the children are at school.

He is very motivated by money. I have said we can deal with this amicably (trying hard to bite my tongue), and said do we really want to make this a mess that others profit from. That may make him think. It was my only shot at calming things.

I was dismissed promptly as he looked at his phone messages from work. Apparently it's not time to discuss it now, or to arrange a time to discuss it.

I have no one to talk this through with here. My dad is old and ill (Mum is dead) and I have no one here to talk to as I guess I've been isolated by having the children and my work. I have lots of acquaintances but no real friends.

TeamRick Sat 16-Dec-17 18:57:03

I would go and see a solicitor and start to get your ducks in a row!

What happens to all his money? Is it in a joint account? Do you have access to it?

worsethanever Sat 16-Dec-17 19:53:07

Blackteadrinker77 it is a work thing. Every time he's under pressure it comes home. I have told him as much.

BiglyBadgers Sat 16-Dec-17 19:57:56

I think considering that he has been physically abusive in the past and was acting in way that was clearly verbally abusive and physically intimidating I can't see how you acted as being anything other than an instinctive act of self defense.

You do need to leave though for the sake of you and your children. Have you called women's aid?

worsethanever Sat 16-Dec-17 20:00:36

Rainbow I've suggested separation a few times but it is washed over or met with a row and niceness for a week or two after. Then thrown back during arguments. He says I use it as a tool to wind him up and that he'd never ever say that to me no matter what happened.

Feeling slightly embarrassed reading that back before posting. I'm being played. If I read it I'd be telling OP to get her big girl pants on.

Blackteadrinker77 Sat 16-Dec-17 20:05:06

That's ok, you have MN friends smile

Would he be willing to change jobs? Or are you wanting to end the marriage even if he did?
(That's if I'm reading right that he was never violent before the last year)

lakeg Sat 16-Dec-17 20:14:16

Can you speak with a professional.

Stop beating yourself up but learning some coping skills might help.

chiaseeddisapointmentagain Sat 16-Dec-17 20:16:42

You know, I was in a relationship where we were both violent to one another.
I didn't want to be with them. I felt suffocated and trapped. I had no respect for them and so I hit them. They hit me.

We broke up and I've never laid a finger on anyone else. Neither have they as far as I know.

Violence happens when there is no respect. Get out. Abusing each other is abusive to your Dc.

worsethanever Sat 16-Dec-17 22:08:02

He's always had a temper, but only a couple of years of being this bad. He's so angry. I said but you must get some joy out of the children? He said no, but insists that I'm not to take them away (divorce him).

Blackteadrinker77 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:12:02

Emotionally are you checked out of the relationship?

If you are you need to sort finances and emotional support first.

Orangecake123 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:14:17

Please be strong and leave for the sake of your babies. He won't hit you today- but domestic violence always escalates and it's not fair on you or your children. I grew up in a house like this and all of this is traumatic for them. Research has proven neural changes in brain development.

I posted the following on another website just today:

"I don't believe that they ever really had a real marriage. She always said "that she stayed for us". It was normal for our father to beat our mother whilst we tried to stop him and cried. To watch her sit and cry on the stairs whilst she was talking to a police officer. But she would never leave him. He was unpredictable- the smallest thing could set him off and we just learnt to saying nothing in case he would "flip". I have no memory of my father playing with me. But I do remember crying in public at a restaurant when he snapped because I changed my order at the last minute. I remember crying on the way home after being called a failure when I didn't get an A* in a particular A-level exam (4 marks away). Others things include: being called a prostitute,a w***e, and told so many times that I was no good. A mistake, that he told my mother to have an abortion.

Why didn't she see that she deserved better? Why didn't she protect us? I had my first panic attack at the age of 9- I always thought that I've always been mentally ill since I was a child, but it was all just a response to growing up the way we did.. "

Whilst my brother and I are both "very highly functioning" on paper and medical students our inner worlds are chaotic and messy. I have crippling and suicidal lows that last for months. My brother developed an eating disorder that has wrecked his body. I have borderline personality and self harmed from the age of 14 when I didn't need to through all of that.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh right now but in all honesty It WILL affect your children in more ways you could imagine. If this is allowed to continue they will spend hours crying in a therapist's office because they never truly ever felt safe in their own home.

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