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How do you rebuild a marriage?

(13 Posts)
needtogetourshittogerher Sat 16-Dec-17 15:58:56

New to Relationships and NC'd for this. Apologies if this is a common thread.

Married six years and together fourteen. One pre school DS.

We aren't happy at home, partly because we are just so busy but mainly because we've been neglectful of each other. Just had a massive fairly inconsequential row with DH admitting that he doesn't want to carry on like this, he's walked out but I'm sure he'll be home when he's calmed down.

We have a lovely life, there's no abuse of any sort and I think we still love each other, it's just sort of got lost.

Problem is that's it's been like this for a while, pretty much since DS was born. We almost never have sex. The idea of it seems weird, it's been so long. He's put on quite a lot of weight and physically I'm not sure I'm still attracted to him at the moment.

How do we turn it round? I think we are both equally at fault. I just don't know what to do to stop this from getting to the point where the relationship is dead.

Peanutbuttercheese Sat 16-Dec-17 16:18:04

Talk a lot over a period of weeks, months. Be honest, expect to feel hurt and be hurtful but do it in a way that's constructive not destructive. Talk about the difficulties but try and remember the small things that gelled you as a couple.

Don't expect miracles over night.

needtogetourshittogerher Sat 16-Dec-17 17:41:05

He's just home. He doesn't want to leave, he doesn't want to work on our relationship and he doesn't want to pretend it isn't happening any more either.

I don't know what to do.

redexpat Sat 16-Dec-17 17:42:03

When he said he cant go on like this did he mean that things have to change or that he wants to split up?

If possible: Get counselling. We were in a similar position to you and one session made all the difference. Id also recommend the marriage course if theres one running near you.

needtogetourshittogerher Sat 16-Dec-17 17:50:30

What's the marriage course?

And what sort of counselling? DH is not a talker. But something practical could be good.

Blackteadrinker77 Sat 16-Dec-17 17:55:57

Do you have any common interests?

Can you start to have a date night?

He needs to know that his weight gain is a contributing factor. Then it is up to him if he does something about it or not.

needtogetourshittogerher Sat 16-Dec-17 19:30:19

We have talked some more. It's difficult. He told me that talking about feelings makes him feel physically sick.

He's always been emotionally closed, but I don't know how we can get better if he can't talk about anything.

We have lots in common. We had a good relationship. I just don't practically know what steps we need to take to get better.

The idea of counselling frightens him to be frank.

redexpat Sat 16-Dec-17 20:13:10

In which case I would really look at the marriage "course" rather than therapy. Theyre run by the church but not particularly christian and theres no group sharing or anything, but it does provide a safe structure in which to discuss elements of your relationship. For a lot of people the concept of therapy is a bit frightening and a course is easier to approach.

Also you can read the 5 love languages. Good book.

Stormwhale Sat 16-Dec-17 20:17:03

Following this as I'm in the same position. I completely understand the thought of sex being weird. I think it is because we have become more like mates, not lovers. I sometimes think if we got really drunk, shagged all night, then things would go back to how they were. I don't know if that is true though. Unfortunately health problems are what have got in the way of our relationship. We have been so busy just trying to make it through in one peace we forgot to work on us. I feel a million miles away from him and don't know how to fix it.

needtogetourshittogerher Sat 16-Dec-17 20:43:44

Downloading five love languages now.

It's tough isn't it? I don't really know how we got here. We've spent the last few years becoming parents, moving twice, my career was wrecked by getting pregnant so I've essentially had to start again. DH bought a company. It's like we weren't watching and 'we' withered.

Huskylover1 Sat 16-Dec-17 20:50:38

Not having sex is a massively damaging thing. How long has it been? Could you imagine coming on to him without any cringing. Would wine help?

needtogetourshittogerher Sat 16-Dec-17 20:57:31

Possibly wine. We need to try and get some time just the two of us.

Sex dwindled when DS was little. It never came back. DH never had a raging libido and I'm much less interested now but I'd still like to be having sex.

I had to come off contraception earlier this year and we talked about a vasectomy, which he's now booked in for. That's pretty much the biggest indication that he's looking to stay.

Huskylover1 Sat 16-Dec-17 21:26:07

How long has it been, since you have been intimate?

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