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I'm lonely In my relationship

(22 Posts)
Shakers1 Sat 16-Dec-17 13:13:34

I've been with my HB for 15 years now and married for 7. He's 12 years older than me and very early In our relationship lost both his parents. He's a changed man understandly and struggled with his grief going through a stage of suicidal thoughts which we received counselling for. We have one child. He never wanted more but never felt he could tell me for fear of me leaving him. I desperately wanted another child but instead of telling me he didn't want to extend our family kept making excuses why we couldn't be intimate. Our son is 10 now and since he was born we've been intimate 3 times. The last time was 5 years ago. I know my HB suffers with depression but I can't help feeling lonely and unloved. He works long hours and is never home and I've wondered in the past whether he is having an affair. He got angry and assured me he wasn't. Last time we were intimate it didn't last long and he told me he felt he "can't" physically have sex anymore but didn't want to get help for it or see a doctor. I feel selfish posting this but feel so incredibly lonely. I've tried to talk to him about how I feel but just get the silent treatment and if he does reply I just get that that's the way he is and that's it. To make things worse a director in my company whose married has started showing me attention. I'm flattered and know it's only because I don't get attention at home. This too has left me confused. At my age the thought of living a life without any affection at all leaves me very sad. Although we are good friends and get on well I sometimes feel this is all we are.

userxx Sat 16-Dec-17 13:21:39

Firstly you are you are not selfish, far from it. Your husband is being selfish by not addressing his problems and seeing a doctor. This is no way to live your life, I'm not surprised you are liking the attention from someone else.

If he doesn't get help you seriously have to think about leaving him, also stay away from the director - it will only cause more confusion.

Vitalogy Sat 16-Dec-17 13:35:46

I agree, you aren't being selfish, he is for not taking your feelings in to consideration. If he was willing to try then it'd be a different story but he's not. As hard as it may seem, I think it's decision time, one way or the other OP. You've lived long enough in this limbo.

fantasmasgoria1 Sat 16-Dec-17 13:40:40

Yes I also think it’s decision time! My ex and I didn’t have sex for four years and he refused to address the issue (which was alcoholism). He was looking at porn a lot though. I left him. I really wanted to have sex again and could not face my whole life without it. Ask yourself can you spend the rest of your life without having sex?

Shakers1 Sat 16-Dec-17 13:46:38

Thanks for replying to this. My main worry is that if I did leave him he would take his own life. He doesn't have anyone other than me and our son. I just couldn't live with that on my conscience. I can't help feeling it makes me feel trapped though.

userxx Sat 16-Dec-17 13:52:14

You are trapped. Is he on medication for his depression at the moment?

Vitalogy Sat 16-Dec-17 13:58:47

You can only be responsible for your own actions and decisions not someone else's. That's his to make and his alone.
Has he actually threatened suicide if you leave him before then?

Shakers1 Sat 16-Dec-17 14:01:10

No. He doesn't believe in anti depressants so wouldn't take them and not under the Doctor for his depression anymore. His gp recommended him for counselling but he only got 6 sessions free and then he was referred through work after that so did have some more but hasn't been for a while.

Shakers1 Sat 16-Dec-17 14:02:27

No he hasn't directly but I know if I left him it would be so huge for him he wouldn't want to be here anymore. He became suicidal in the past after the loss of his parents.

CR7987 Sat 16-Dec-17 15:57:13

You can't live the rest of your life worrying about someone else's mental state.

Your relationship is not working and is not normal to be honest.

He has been cruel to you in not telling you his feelings about more children and in withholding affection.

Don't look back when you are 70 and wonder "what if"

You can be amicable and both continue to be there for your son.

LizzieSiddal Sat 16-Dec-17 16:10:58


As others have said, he has treated you very badly.

He’s lied about not all wanting more dc, he has mental health problems but doesn’t believe in Anti depressants, he won’t have sex and won’t talk about it.

It’s absolutely fine to be ill or have problems having sex, it isn’t fine to refuse to do anything about them. What about YOU and your feelings in all of this?

Unless he agrees to get help I can’t see why you should stay in this marriage.

yetmorecrap Sat 16-Dec-17 19:37:06

Do you feel you could be separate but still be good friends and meet up regularl, because he may not feel as bereft if he knows you wIll still be in his life in some way. It may be more the idea of an acrimonious no contact split he is more anxious about

Shakers1 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:49:27

So I attempted to talk to him tonight and tell him how I'm feeling. He came in late from work (9pm). This is quite normal and expected. Without divulging too much about his job this is what I expect and accept. However it means he is tired and because of his depression he never sleeps well so it constantly exhausted. I have had a glass of wine and after today's post on here decided to bite the bullet and do the thing we don't! I brought up about the lack of physical contact, the last time when it was, which he at first denied until I told him the exact moment it was and he remembered ( 5 years ago) and said that at my age I didn't want to be without any intimacy for the rest of my life. As I expected he stared at the tv and didn't say a word. When I pushed him on it he said he feels a big part in him changing is his depression and him feeling suicidal over the loss of his parents which I said I knew that. Although ( and I know it's harsh) I said his parents would hate to think his marriage is going down the Pan because of his reaction to their passing. He didn't say anything else. Although he did ask me if I would ever have an affair. For some reason I found myself stalling on the question which made it sound like I'm up to something I'm not. ( I'm really not) I did though tell him that as a 40 something I cannot see myself going without intimacy for the rest of my life. He didn't say a word and carried on watching the tv.

CR7987 Sat 16-Dec-17 23:01:39

Well that tells you everything you need to know.

Fiere Sat 16-Dec-17 23:08:18

God, you poor thing - I'm so sorry flowers Well done for trying to talk with him about it, it's so hard!

Ultimatums aren't pretty but they can work in these situations - telling him to see his GP (preferably with you!) about getting anti depressants or more therapy or you'll leave him may just spur him into action.

I feel for him - he's obviously totally lost - but (as someone who has a DP who suffers from depression myself) it's also hell to be the person trying to navigate a relationship with someone like this.

Wishing you lots of luck and courage!

Vitalogy Sun 17-Dec-17 06:51:02

Must be so frustrating OP when he won't engage properly. I used to feel this way with my ex, important conversations were one sided, it's so maddening. How are you feeling today about it all?

Vitalogy Sun 17-Dec-17 06:54:35

Oh and well done for trying to get things sorted.

MoseShrute Sun 17-Dec-17 07:48:35

I think an ultimatum is in order. Tell your dh you want to sort out the problems in your marriage and that you need to attend couples therapy together. Tell him if he fails to engage with this process you will leave him. You cannot sacrifice your future on the alter of his selfishness

DownTownAbbey Sun 17-Dec-17 07:56:16

Definitely ultimatum time. Why should you sacrifice yourself upon the altar of his depression?

Sevendown Sun 17-Dec-17 08:04:17

You need to just leave.

Shakers1 Sun 17-Dec-17 09:06:38

Well he's just called from work and everything is normal. You would never think we even had the conversation. I'm not suprised though. This is normally how it goes after I've spoken to him about something important. I was woken up this morning though by my crying child who was missing daddy. Made me feel a bit guilty for thinking of leaving him.

userxx Sun 17-Dec-17 10:13:58

Your child will be ok if you separate, in fact he will thrive if he has a happy mummy, Your relationship will not be doing him any favours, you don't want him to think this is normal. How much older is your husband?

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