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Perspective needed please AIBU?

(36 Posts)
TheSleeperandTheSpindle Sat 16-Dec-17 10:31:45

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible. Not sure if I’m being unreasonable and a party pooper.

Last year DH and I were invited to his sisters on Boxing Day. Our DS was only 8 weeks old at the time. We arrived at around 4pm and agreed we would only stay a few hours as I was tired and DS being so little. Lo and behold the whole thing descended into the whole lot of them (DH, fil, bil, sil, DH’s cousin and her partner etc) getting pissed and staying in the kitchen smoking, drinking and shouting. I was left in the front room with DS and MIL. MIL sensed it was going to end up that way so left about 6pm, asking if I wanted to join her. I said no because at that point people were only ‘merry’ and were actually sitting in the front room with me. By 8pm I was left on my own. I couldn’t even go into the kitchen because DS wouldn’t let me put him down and the kitchen was full of smoke. At 9pm I packed DS up, knocked on the kitchen door and said I’d had enough and was walking back to the car. Cue everyone saying sorry and DH insisting on walking me to the car/coming home. Anyway, he stayed at SIL’s and I received a call from BIL at around midnight to say DH was asleep on their sofa.

When DH arrived home the next day he could tell I wasn’t happy and was very apologetic. I told him there and then that there was no way I would be going to SIL’s this Boxing Day. I have repeated this throughout the year and even mentioned it last week. DH agreed.

Yesterday we received a message from SIL inviting us round for the X family party and saying how lovely it will be to get together blah blah. I just looked at DH and reminded him that I will not be going.

DH is now in a mood because “Christmas is about family” and he’s promising not to get drunk etc etc. He forgets that we’ve been together for almost 20 years and I know what his family is like around drink. Also DS is now 14 months old and is a stickler for his routine. He goes to bed around 7pm-7.30pm and I’ve only just got him sleeping in his cot after 12 months of cosleeping. Laying him on SIL’s bed (or some blankets as she suggested) is just not going to work.

We also spending Christmas Day with MIL, FIL, BIL & SIL (and their spolit daughter) so it’s not like we’re not spending any time with them over Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable? Last year frankly tainted my first Christmas with my DS, even if that does sound a little precious blush

niceberg Sat 16-Dec-17 10:40:17

YANBU Sounds like a nightmare, and you'll have seen them on Christmas Day. How would it be if your DH went without you - is there a friend you could invite over so you have your own little party the way you'd like it?

SchadenfreudePersonified Sat 16-Dec-17 10:43:22

YANBU

Your DS needs his routine. If your DH wants to go, though, let him.

Don't wait up.

Chrys2017 Sat 16-Dec-17 10:47:08

I would go along and just plan to leave earlier this time. Leave your DH there to get merry with his family.
It's not really fair to deny him a family piss-up once a year.

It was nice of your MIL to sit with you.

chocolateorangeowls Sat 16-Dec-17 10:47:38

Sounds horrendous, I wouldn't go!

category12 Sat 16-Dec-17 10:49:00

Don't you spend any time with your family?

Tbh if I were feeling generous, I would pop in for an hour and let dh stay. But we'd do things together during the day beforehand.

Kr1st1na Sat 16-Dec-17 10:50:33

Compromise. Go at 4 and come home at 6 before the serious drinking starts . It’s only 2 hours and your toddler will enjoy seeing everyone.

Get your DH to drive so he can’t drink.

He was out of order last year, not his family. He’s an adult and can’t blame his poor choices on them. So don’t be angry with them.

And BTW many congratulations on having a baby after 20 years together.

sofato5miles Sat 16-Dec-17 10:52:03

I'd go and leave early and let have the time with his family. You sound like quite hard work.

Angelf1sh Sat 16-Dec-17 11:02:18

Seems reasonable to me. you are spending Christmas Day with them and (as far as I can tell) not saying he can’t pop in on Boxing Day, just saying you’re not going. I don’t understand why he thinks you’re stopping him from spending Christmas with his family. He sounds like he was a bit of a dick last year and actions have consequences. I don’t think you’d be being unreasonable to want a day at home with your immediate family over Christmas anyway, even if you hadn’t had a bad experience last year. He obviously didn’t believe you when you said you weren’t going again and is now sulking that you’re sticking to your word.

niceberg Sat 16-Dec-17 11:03:13

By the way, I don't think you sound like hard work at all.

Codlet Sat 16-Dec-17 11:05:28

I would compromise. Tell DH that you will only go if he absolutely promises to leave at 6pm no matter what.

mindutopia Sat 16-Dec-17 11:21:40

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable in this situation. I think a wild drinking party with smoking with a baby that's only a few weeks old was completely out of line. I would have been out of there the first time someone lit up a cigarette. Your baby was put at considerable risk of cot death by being in that situation at such a young age.

That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with lots of drinks and fun with family or friends at Christmas and with a one year old, no, that wouldn't worry me. That sounds like any Christmas at our house or with family...minus the smoking. No one smokes around my kids and we don't go to people's houses if they smoke and we leave the second anyone starts smoking. So it's the smoking that would be an issue for me. The rest wouldn't bother me as long as your dh stays sober enough to drive you home or you don't drink anyway and usually do the driving and he's happy to leave when you're ready. I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to go home on your own and leave him there to have fun all night. That's fine on another night, but it's Christmas and he should be home with you those days.

GraceHelen Sat 16-Dec-17 12:06:03

YANBU definitely Not!

As someone who has had similar awful experiences you are not a party pooper at all! It's bloody miserable and I too now refuse.

Plus getting a baby into a routine is bloody hard work and even just 1 night of not following it can lead to days of nightmare bedtime for you!

Also as you say you see them on Xmas day so not like it's his only chance to see his relatives.

Stick to your decision, if for no other reason than it's best for your ds!

BabyOrSanta Sat 16-Dec-17 12:17:32

The bit that would bother me is the fact DH agreed you wouldn't go but now he's saying that he never said that. Like he's accusing you of lying

Also, all of this "family" stuff... what about your family? You, DH and DS? Why shouldn't you do what's best for your family?

TheSleeperandTheSpindle Sat 16-Dec-17 12:21:43

Thank you for the replies smile

I’ve said that DH can go, I’ve got no problem with that, but that I’m not spending another Boxing Day sat on my own.

DH doesn’t drive so asking him to be designated driver won’t work and when I say they were drinking I mean really drinking. FIL didn’t go home for 2 days afterwards because he was so hungover and basically slept for 48 hours.

Also, as pp asked, what about seeing my family? I know MIL will want to come on Christmas Eve so DS has his presents for Christmas Day (she thinks every special occasion revolves around her but that’s another post) so that means seeing my family for a bit on Christmas Eve but seeing DH’s Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. With me doing all the driving hmm When I mentioned my family to DH though he said it wasn’t a competition and failed to see that I would actually like to see my family.

TheSleeperandTheSpindle Sat 16-Dec-17 12:23:14

I also work 3 days a week as a teacher so would like some down time - school finishes on 22nd Dec!

category12 Sat 16-Dec-17 12:29:49

Go spend Boxing Day with your family then. He can either come with you or go to his family.

BewareOfDragons Sat 16-Dec-17 12:34:02

I wouldn't go. Let him go if he wants, but tell him he stays there until he's sober and showered so he doesn't reek of smoke and alcohol

Bluntness100 Sat 16-Dec-17 12:38:54

Go spend Xmas day with your family then. He can go to his.

Or if you aren’t actually planning to go to yours on Boxing Day and are jist being awkward, either

He goes alone
Or
You both go but make it clear he stays and you’ll come home early with your kid,

Your call but lots of options. There is no need for either of you to miss out on what you wish to do or be forced to do something you don’t want, you are both adults.

buckyou Sat 16-Dec-17 13:02:49

I think you are being a bit precious. But if you don't want to go, don't go.

TheSleeperandTheSpindle Sat 16-Dec-17 13:10:08

The thing is that if we were all going to sit around together having a couple of drinks and talking/laughing then fine. But I know it won’t be like that, DH’s family are never like that. All well and good when I could join in but being left on my own while they all drink and hang around in the kitchen smokng isn’t my idea of fun.

Plus I want to enjoy being in my own home with my DS eating cheese in my PJs, not driving a bored and tired toddler from house to house.

category12 Sat 16-Dec-17 13:11:07

Well do that then.

Blackteadrinker77 Sat 16-Dec-17 13:16:51

What have you done the last 20 years? Have you always spent 3 days in a row with them? I love my extended family on both sides but 3 days in a row would drive me nuts.

I'm sort of torn that he wants to join in his families tradition but your little one shouldn't be around a mass drinking session either.

Just as a side note-If someone lit a cigarette in the same house as my DGD (3 weeks old) I would be done for stringing them up.

rainbowstardrops Sat 16-Dec-17 13:26:24

I think your DH sounds like a selfish dick.
I can’t believe he let you go off last year with a new baby and didn’t go with you and he thinks you’ll want to repeat that this year too. Stupid arse.

Tell him you visited his family last year so it’s your family’s turn this year.

I wouldn’t go. Especially if you’re with them all on Christmas Day. Bugger that for a laugh

happypoobum Sat 16-Dec-17 13:28:11

Why don't you invite your parents for Boxing Day then and DH can go to PILS? Or you go to your parents?

He sounds like a spoiled baby.

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