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Arghhh advice please

(15 Posts)
wtf2015 Sat 16-Dec-17 01:39:52

Anyone else met someone that should be perfect for you but you aren’t sure what’s wrong? My background is of an abusive (physical and emotionally) 15 year marriage which ended when I left 6 years ago. I then jumped into another abusive relationship which after 2 years I found the strength leave again. I’ve worked really hard on myself and after 3 years on my own dipped my toe in the world of on line dating.

After a few unsuccessful dates I met a man I’ve been seeing for 3 months. He’s kind, supportive, hard working, similar background and morals etc so all should be good. We get on well. It’s just a bit boring I guess. I think I prefer being single.... yet he doesn’t hold me back from doing what I want, supports me to continue seeing my friends and hobbies etc... so why am I like this?

HipNewName Sat 16-Dec-17 03:33:04

1. Fear of getting into another relationship where you are hurt and used. The others started off nice, too. It's difficult to be sure that the new man really is as good as he seems.

2. Possibly because it is a truly functional relationship, and there fore missing all the adrenaline rush and trauma bonding that comes with abusive relationships. Abusive relationships are more intense in both positive ways and negative ways. Emotionally healthy relationships really aren't as exciting.

My advice is that 3 months is still very new. Take things slow. Enjoy your hobbies and friends with out him, and enjoy some time with him too. Give it more time.

MrsDilber Sat 16-Dec-17 04:19:09

Best advice is to trust your gut. If something feels off, or your spidey sense is tingling, listen to it.

category12 Sat 16-Dec-17 08:38:52

There's nothing wrong with preferring being single either.

category12 Sat 16-Dec-17 08:39:02

There's nothing wrong with preferring being single either.

mickhucknallspinkpancakes Sat 16-Dec-17 09:20:00

Excellent advice from @HipNewName I think OP.

But just to add - is he a bit boring?? Maybe your personalities don't match up as well in life as they do on paper?

TheNaze73 Sat 16-Dec-17 09:23:22

I’d end it. If you’re bored after 3 months, imaging how tedious it’ll be after 3 years? Don’t settle

QuiteLikely5 Sat 16-Dec-17 09:28:00

Yep to break your cycle you do need to understand that good men are not as exciting as abusive ones.

It’s a small price to pay.

And I agree with hip hop too

ALittleBitConfused1 Sat 16-Dec-17 09:37:03

I'm more recently out of an abusive relationship, 7 months. I'm going to therapy and doing all the work you need to to move on from this but I can't ever imagine myself feeling anything for anyone again.
People say it's too soon but I'm not sure it's that.
It's taken me this long to get used to and enjoy the peace. The thought of anything filling my life with anything but peace scares the shit out of me. I actively avoid noise, busy situations, any kind of interaction that has the potential to cause an emotional response in me. As a result it's like I'm numb to feeling any of the disgusting/amazing things he made me feel.
Pp is correct these type of relationships are so intense, they are filled with highly toxic emotions shame, guilt, fear, extreme highs and terrible lows.
I don't believe they can be (nor should be matched) in a 'normal relationship'
It may be that entering into dating has resurfaced old feelings , which in turn has reignited that 'I must protect myself reaction'. Or it may just be that you aren't right for eachother , there doesnt have to be a reason, sometimes it just isn't there. Just because he is nice and doesn't abuse you doesn't mean he is right for you. Listen to that self awareness you have achieved through all the hard work you have done on yourself. If it isn't right end it, especially as you prefer being single perhaps that's just you telling yourself you need more time.

ItsYuleyme Sat 16-Dec-17 09:40:33

Wtf2015
The new guy sounds like a good catch to me.
By boring! Do you mean that it's not as turbulent as your other relationships!
Obviously after 15 years of abusive relationship, then jumping in another one for a few years, this is what you've become accustomed to.
Give it a bit more time and if nice guy isn't for you, you're probably safer alone than looking for the alternative.

Lovemusic33 Sat 16-Dec-17 09:41:20

One year out of an abusive relationship and I’m feeling the same. I’m meant to be having a 2nd date with someone tomorrow but I’m having a wobble, worried I will find him boring, he seems caring and pretty laid back but not very exciting. I have spent most of my adult life and teens in abusive relationships, dating bad boys probably for the excitement. I’m not sure I can feel anything for anyone anymore sad.

Worriedrose Sat 16-Dec-17 10:37:25

Is he boring as in:
You sit with him and have nothing to say, his suggestions of things to do are boring to you?
Or
He's not giving you the highs and extreme "lovebombing" and intensity of feeling.

Because as others have said, destructive abusive relationships generally have extreme levels of highs and lows, and the highs are intoxicatingly addictive.

So you need to try and work out which one of these it is.

wtf2015 Sat 16-Dec-17 10:54:12

Such wise words, thank you all so much. It is very much the case of missing the highs and lows I think. I suspected this but it’s nice to have it confirmed..... no matter how much therapy you have I don’t think it ever prepares you for going back into a relationship. Maybe it’s time for a few more sessions of counselling.

pullingmyhairout1 Sat 16-Dec-17 11:00:08

Good for you recognising it and going back to therapy. It is a long, hard road but you sound like you're getting there x

Worriedrose Sat 16-Dec-17 11:03:04

That's great! Good idea about going back for some more sessions.
I'm the same as you, someone's too nice I start to freak out, and think they're just a boring bastard.
My father is officially a narcissist, so that goes someway to explaining.
I think you just have to get used to someone being stable and consistent, which is different from boring!!
Good luck op flowers

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