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Relationships

FWB - his feelings?

34 replies

toffeeapple123 · 15/12/2017 15:52

I met a guy a couple of months ago. We dated for a short while, then agreed it should just be fun for the both of us. However, he started to act romantic and loved up. When I called him up on it, and told him how much I liked him, he said he wasn't looking for anything serious - which I accepted and we tried to be friends. It wasn't long before we ended up in bed together again.

I have reassured him time and time again it's just fun. Yet there are times when he starts to become romantic and it weirds me out. Then he blows cold.

For example, last weekend, he cooked me a nice meal and then he started kissing my hands and complimenting me, saying he wants to 'show his real feelings'. We went for a walk in the park the next day and it was so romantic in the snow. We continued messaging for the rest of the day.

The following morning, wanting to withdraw, I showed him a screenshot of a message I received on a dating site - it was hilarious, because the guy sounded exactly like him. Yet he didn't see the funny side - he wanted to be just friends, because he couldn't handle the jealously of me seeing other men. He explained that while he could become emotionally attached to me, he wasn't able to commit because his feelings aren't strong enough.

I told him that while I liked him, I wasn't in love with him, and it'd be fine - we wouldn't fall for each other, we could keep each other in check. I asked him if he liked me - he couldn't say it. Before I left, he asked if it wouldn't be dangerous to continue - because he may become attached - that he can't separate sex from romantic attachment. I explained it wouldn't be an issue, that it wouldn't be for me. I also asked him what he meant on the weekend about showing his real feelings, he said he just didn't' want to argue anymore.

Since then, we have been exchanging some messages. Yesterday, I asked him not to be such a downer and to stop having these intense chats, and to stop picking arguments. We got into a bit of a debate about it. Seven hours on, he calls me (he never calls me usually) wanting to clear the air, even though we were going to meet the next day.

I am so confused by all of this. Does this guy actually like me? I know I should listen to him, but his actions are showing me another side.

I am falling for him, but pretending to both myself and to him that I am not. I can keep him at a distant, but not when he starts to act lovey dovey.

I am meant to be seeing him tonight, but I am too anxious. I keep wondering if I should ask him how he really feels, but we've already been here. Wonder if I should just leave things entirely before either one of us gets hurt.

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Aminuts23 · 15/12/2017 16:04

He’s dicking you about. If it’s FWB there are no thoughts of a relationship. If it’s a relationship it shouldn’t be this shit 2 months in. You both seem to have very intense conversations when you are virtual strangers to each other. Sounds all a bit hard work. I’d swerve this guy

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FatherChewieLouie · 15/12/2017 16:05

I’d swerve this guy

Yep. He sounds like a headfuck.

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Foodylicious · 15/12/2017 16:11

Sounds like it has become unnecessarily complicated.
And you are possibly giving him mixed messages too?
Could that be why he is blowing hit and cold too?
I font think its very fair to go along with the romance for a couple of days then start talking to him about other men?
Or have I missed the post?
Sorry if i have.
Sounds like you both either need to go for it 100% but without fixed expectations and just try to enjoy getting to know each other.
OR
Just call it a day.
Does not sound like much fun at the moment for either of you

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toffeeapple123 · 15/12/2017 16:14

Hi Foodylicious I was giving mixed signals, but then I came out and said I liked him. He was adamant he didn't want anything serious and I tried to stop talking, but he kept messaging and we ended up in bed again. Which was fine, I was accepting of the situation, but he turns romantic again, then blows cold. If he was into me, surely he could at the very least say he likes me - I tried to make it very easy for him to say it. But he couldn't.

I am seeing a therapist who says I am addicted to him, it's very difficult to break away. I need to do it when I'm ready, but it's so hard to do that when he is talking like this.

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Schlimbesserung · 15/12/2017 16:15

I've never had a FWB, so I'm a bit unsure how it works for most people, but isn't it supposed to be more fun, rather than less? As in, you get (hopefully) good sex without relationship hassles?
Where's the fun here?

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toffeeapple123 · 15/12/2017 16:17

Haha yes it's meant to be fun Schlimbesserung but he can be hard going! Bit of an intense/complicated character. I keep telling him to lighten up.

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Angelf1sh · 15/12/2017 16:37

Definitely end it. If it’s a genuine fwb then it’s gine wrong for both of you as you’re not supposed to be romantically attached. If it’s a genuine relationship then it’s a shit one andvyou deserve better.

Forget him.

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Aminuts23 · 15/12/2017 16:54

If you’re addicted to him after only 8 weeks then quite clearly you are not in this for a FWB situation regardless of what he says or does. Maybe be single for a while and do some work around healthy relationships

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OrangesAndLemonsOnly · 15/12/2017 17:36

Well it clearly is not working as a FWB arrangement. You could come clean and tell him how you feel, and try a ‘relationship’ with him. However, something tells me it is likely to be a complete headfuck. So, IMHO sort your head out independently of him and wait to meet someone who you will feel comfortable and at ease with. You can only enjoy so much drama until it gets rather tedious. Good luck!

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chestylarue52 · 15/12/2017 17:49

He wants the 'girlfriend experience' with the option of being single when it suits him. Long romantic walks in the snow and demonstrations of 'real feelings' are not fwb territory.

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Lilliepixie · 15/12/2017 17:56

You're doing the fwb thing all wrong
Just talk to him and sort it out.

And don't talk about your other dates! That's not the done thing

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toffeeapple123 · 15/12/2017 18:01

OrangesAndLemonsOnly already told him a couple of times i like him...

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toffeeapple123 · 15/12/2017 18:02

So should I chat to him about it tonight? We already talked about it earlier in the week...not sure how else to bring it up again. Don't want to be humiliated, he's already said his feelings aren't strong enough.

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Pianobumseat · 15/12/2017 18:03

He’s a head fuck - he likes the attention and drama more than the sex?

He’s not “jealous” because he wants to date you, he’s a user who wants you not seeing other blokes because then you won’t be available for his needs?

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AFistfulOfDolores · 15/12/2017 19:34

Actually, toffee, you sound as confused as he does, if not moreso. Your statements about your feelings for him are contradicting themselves, and maybe you're not being entirely honest with yourself or with him about your feelings, and in reality you really can't step back enough to be in a FWB relationship? Just a thought.

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Foodylicious · 15/12/2017 20:08

If you are seeing a therapist that you trust, i would probably listen to them over anything we say...
But it sounds like you are saying you are ready to break away??
If so i would just do it, keep seeing your therapist, learn to 'sit' with your feelings and really work on any of the mindfulness, relaxation and distraction techniques you might have been given to try x

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toffeeapple123 · 16/12/2017 14:13

Thank you all for your advice.

I did meet him last night. As soon as we got back to his, we lept onto his bed and talked excitedly nonstop. He kissed my hands again and held me all night and morning. He asked to see me before he goes away for Christmas and I agreed. He even held my jacket for me to put on - what a gentlemen! He has definitely improved...

We're not really behaving in a friends with benefits relationship, are we? Then again, can I discount what he said earlier in the week - that he will become attached, but won't be able to commit. Can men behave this way and not really like a woman?

He mentioned he might have Asperger's, which I dismissed in my drunken state, but perhaps something to consider. Might explain why he can be quite withdrawn in social occasions.

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Blackteadrinker77 · 16/12/2017 14:28

That sounds anything but fun!

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Moanyoldcow · 16/12/2017 15:20

You're in a fool's paradise. This is a guy who'll text you one day and tell you he's met someone perfect who he's really clicked with and want you to be understanding.

Nothing good will come of this.

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twiney · 16/12/2017 15:24

This sounds lame, stressful, and boring

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WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 16/12/2017 15:35

Get rid of him. He doesn't want a relationship with you so stop hoping things will develop, and he's not a suitable FWB because he's a total mind fuck. There are no end of men who would have a casual relationship with you and not mess with your head. If you want a man like that then dump this idiot and go get one. If you want a relationship, dump this idiot and find a man who wants a relationship. Whatever you want this man can't deliver.

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Isetan · 16/12/2017 16:10

It doesn’t really matter what his motivation is for his behaviour, this entanglement is not healthy for you and if you don’t take steps to prioritise your MH against his flip flopping, you will get hurt.

Call it a day now.

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toffeeapple123 · 16/12/2017 16:23

OK, ok I know it makes sense.

Maybe when I see him next week, before we both leave for Christmas hols, I could tell him we need to stop because the boundaries are getting too blurred.

It's just so difficult to peel back from this - I really, really like him.

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Angelf1sh · 16/12/2017 17:00

Oh ffs this is not going to end well for you. Stop seeing him or you’ll regret it when you’ve fully invested and then he drops you. Or don’t, whatever.

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WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 16/12/2017 17:20

Maybe when I see him next week, before we both leave for Christmas hols, I could tell him we need to stop because the boundaries are getting too blurred

But if you see him in the flesh I suspect he'll do his romantic, hand kissing, game again and you'll be drawn in. He's going to want to keep you around for a shag isn't he and will continue the mindfuck so that happens. With people that blow hot and cold the best way of dealing with them is to make your mind up that you don't want to take that shit any more, text them to say it's not working for you (don't give him a reason as it opens up debate and more mindfuckery), block and delete. He's only a FWB and you've not been seeing him long, so it's definitely not supposed to be this stressful.

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