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How should I feel about this? Feel hurt, disgusted and like I can't move past it.

(60 Posts)
AlwaysPondering Fri 15-Dec-17 12:38:41

I have recently discovered that DP has searched for naked images of a couple of celebrities at different times.

DP is 32 and these women are 20. I'm not sure if he knows their age, just likes how they look from tv/music video and wants to know if he can see more. I don't know whether to be disgusted that they are 12 yrs younger or not? But I feel disgusted.

These women are very different to me as well. Very skinny. Very short. I'm 5"10 and carrying a little weight since 2 DC. Not much but a bit of a flabbier belly. Stretch marks. DC are almost 3yo and 18mo. Could have lost weight and toned up and bit and I do plan to but I've had a mentally bad year and not looked after myself. Aside from that I could never be like them even if I lost weight.

It has knocked my confidence massively. I hated when he looked at porn (which wasn't often and didn't affect sex life, but still) in the past but this feels worse, I guess because he seeked them out and because I can see what kind of women he is into.

We basically share a tablet which he sometimes uses at work. I then see at home when I use it but cannot mention it as my mum was visiting. When my mum was out and we spoke on the phone I mentioned it and he denied it. Then he cleared that bit of history as he had it again that day.

Surely he must be wanking at work?

Today he messaged admitting the truth that he did search those images so at least he is no longer lying. He said sorry etc. But I just feel shit. I don't know how to move past it.

Please tell me your thoughts on this?

deai Fri 15-Dec-17 12:45:25

I think looking at naked adult women is... normal? Not really your business sorry I get that it would make you feel insecure etc but it can't be that surprising to know that straight men like looking at attractive women? Try not to think about it too much it will only make you feel worse. Talk to him about it hopefully he will reassure you

Huskylover1 Fri 15-Dec-17 12:49:39

Surely he must be wanking at work?

That's a bit of a leap. I don't think he would be doing that. He's probably just bored. Or maybe a colleague mentioned something about a celeb, and he googled.

I wouldn't like it either, but it's not LTB territory.

coalit Fri 15-Dec-17 12:56:39

I think women look at naked celebrities too, and not for wanking purposes.

When you realise what horrors are available online, it's fairly harmless.

Emmastone123 Fri 15-Dec-17 13:01:16

You need to let it go. Why does it mean he's being indecent at work? I know for a fact my husband has looked up images of female celebs etc and it really doesn't bother me. I've looked up images of attractive celebrity men!
I think you just need to relax. The poor guy is probably embarrassed you saw his search history. There is nothing illegal or worrying there, I would say very normal. You need to give him his privacy just as much as you need yours. Everyone is entilted to that.

AlwaysPondering Fri 15-Dec-17 13:02:05

I know it's not LTB but I am struggling to not let it make me feel shit and ruin my confidence and therefore potentially sex life. I know that sounds dramatic. Maybe I need to accept that I am dramatic.

I have said we can talk about it once he's home from work.

AlwaysPondering Fri 15-Dec-17 13:02:37

All good points. Thank you.

TammySwansonTwo Fri 15-Dec-17 13:02:56

Here come all the women telling you that it's totally fine for your husband to search out naked images of specific women.

It's perfectly okay for you to have a problem with this. I don't look at baked pictures of men, I'm sure you don't either. How would he feel if you were doing this?

TammySwansonTwo Fri 15-Dec-17 13:04:02

Also, given the number of celebrities who had naked images leaked during that hack, I'd have a serious issue with that.

ButchyRestingFace Fri 15-Dec-17 13:05:30

I certainly don’t agree with him conducting these searches on a shared tablet.

The wanking at work is a bit of a leap though.

SleepIsForTheWeek Fri 15-Dec-17 13:07:09

My exH did this early on in our relationship, naked pictures of a younger celeb. It turned out it was part of a porn habit, which extended to flirtations with younger women and eventually leaving me for a younger woman. In my experience it could be part of a bigger problem.

MotherofaSurvivor Fri 15-Dec-17 13:07:25

I genuinely think he's entitled to search for whatever he wants to search for! You sound a little controlling!

I realise it makes you insecure but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you! It also doesn't mean he would rather you look like that.... He may only like that sort of look for...ya know, porn-like purposes. He loves you (presumably) and that means more to him!

Also, I don't get the issue with him watching Porn? What is wrong with that? I watch it too sometimes!

Louiseandhercubs Fri 15-Dec-17 13:08:06

My stance on this is it's down to you. It hour okah with it fine. Let him crack on.

But if your not you need to say and he needs to respect that.

I don't find anything wrong with it in my opinion because I know I've also out of curiosity looked and you never know someone in work might have said "have you seen Xs naked photos online" and he's gone "no" then looking

IrritatedUser1960 Fri 15-Dec-17 13:08:34

I think this is normal both me and my ex occasionally did this and looked at porn now and then, is not why we got divorced.
Sorry adults do this sometimes but don't feel bad he is married to you not some lithe 16 year old - men can easily separate those two things in their minds.

nutnerk Fri 15-Dec-17 13:16:59

Just a thought - have these women had well known scandals regarding their pictures being leaked?? When news comes out that someone's naked photos have been leaked I always search and have a nosy haha! I'm a very normal female in my 20s.

Btw - your very prudish response, mixed with your insecurities, means that he will naturally want to hide everything from you!

Isitwinteryet Fri 15-Dec-17 13:21:40

I also wouldn't be ok with this. It is totally disrespectful and the fact he was lying about it shows you he knows it was wrong.

DeepfriedPizza Fri 15-Dec-17 13:28:21

When Justin Beiber's naked pictures came out I looked them up. When Orlando Bloom's pictures came out, I looked them up. I was just being nosey, not creepy.
These men are VERY different to my husband but it doesn't mean I am fantasizing. Just seeing what the fuss was about. I didn't tell my husband, don't see what the fuss is about.

Unless there is a back story

AlwaysaLittleBitTired Fri 15-Dec-17 13:30:12

I think that looking at this stuff pretty normal too, but you are still allowed to feel bad about this. The fact that you can talk to your DP about it and hopefully tell him clearly that it affects your confidence, shows that this is not a problem relationship. I hope also that it gives your DP the opportunity to reconfirm why he loves you and your body smile

Good luck, I hope you feel better. x

Aki99 Fri 15-Dec-17 13:33:30

I think the problem is your confidence. Your partner looking at naked images shouldn't hit you this much. Have you spoken to you partner about your confidence (not necessarily about finding the search sites). Don't take it out on him but work with him. Does he make you feel loved for who you are?

bellsandwhistles89 Fri 15-Dec-17 13:37:41

To be honest this wouldnt bother me too much.

If it became an everyday occurrence then yes we would have words.

I like what @AlwaysaLittleBitTired said, very sensible way of putting it.

OldPony Fri 15-Dec-17 13:46:00

I must admit I did google that pic of Lenny Kravitz when his willy fell out. But for a laugh rather than sexual purposes!

Offred Fri 15-Dec-17 13:52:03

This is not about how you should feel.

It is about how you do feel and working out how to negotiate this with integrity towards yourself and the relationship.

People who wouldn’t be bothered by this aren’t people who can help you work this out.

I suggest you think through why specifically this bothers you, which parts are your issues and which are to do with your values relating to this specific thing and work out what you want and whether it can be achieved in this relationship.

EmNetta Fri 15-Dec-17 13:56:35

I might feel the same with two small children OP, and think it's a normal reaction. so don't worry. Previous posters who've enjoyed looking at porn are probably much younger than me, and I think we're just all different.

Another of my old-fashioned views is that men and women are different, particularly about sex, so I wouldn't worry too much if he's just looking.

Chippyway Fri 15-Dec-17 14:01:34

Jesus Christ

Perfectly normal!

Feel how you want about it, personally I find it worrying and quite controlling that you have such a problem with it

@tammyswanson

You’ve got a serious chip on your shoulder about men looking at naked women! ITS PERFECTLY NORMAL!!! Of a course a straight man is going to be intrigued, of course he’s gunna want to look and I don’t blame him! Heck, I looked at the newest pictures of Megan Fox in her lingerie adverts before my partner did because I know she looks bloody awesome!

OP, if you have a problem with it then that’s fair enough but please realise that is YOUR problem. You’re insecure about your body which is made clear in your posts so perhaps do something about that or get help for your self esteem, but in the mean time you cannot and should not try to control what/who your partner looks at.

He doesn’t love you any less. He doesn’t find you any less attractive. What WILL cause that to happen though, is this over the top reaction to him looking at a naked celebrity confused

AlwaysPondering Fri 15-Dec-17 14:27:42

Thanks everyone. I know I have a big confidence issue. I really don't know why. I didn't with my ex but I do with DP. My ex was very very complimenting but my DP isn't like that which then makes me think maybe in appearance I am not to his liking as much as I was to my ex. One of them is very very thin which was a surprise tbh because he has always loved my thicker thighs and bum so I feel that's a lie but then perhaps I shouldn't read into it like that...

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