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Since the baby...

(14 Posts)
getschwiftyinhere Fri 15-Dec-17 12:12:20

NC for this. My DH and I are new parents for the first time and are absolutely in love with our DD! But we are so exhausted.

Our house is (compared to its usual state) a mess all the time with clean washing climbing the stairs! I still manage to cook a decent meal every night and the chores are done but we have no time for each other.

Last night DD stayed with her MIL so we could spend some time together. We hardly spoke and when we went to bed had the most mechanical sex ever and I had to run to the bathroom straight after because I could feel my eyes filling up.

We never talk, I go out for conversation or use MN. I've tried bringing this up with him but he just says "I don't have much to say. I'm just really boring sorry it's who I am and I can't change". But that's not who he is, I've known him since we were in school and he is different now.

He makes no effort to show me he loves me and I feel like we are losing each other. Is this just the exhaustion/adapting to a new baby? Or should I be concerned?

Jobjobjob Fri 15-Dec-17 12:26:20

Congratulations on DD!

Well done on cooking a decent meal every night, that's good going!

How old is DD?

Nothing you've said sounds unusual, all sort of new parent events.

Hmmalittlefishy Fri 15-Dec-17 12:28:38

Most of it sounds very normal for new parents particularly with sleep deprivation. but if your dh seems depressed don't forget men can have post natal depression too so he may need to see his gp.

getschwiftyinhere Fri 15-Dec-17 12:28:45

Thanks job I so needed to hear that.

He's an amazing dad and we are so in love with her but I want to enjoy being a wife as well as a mother. He seems so distant

getschwiftyinhere Fri 15-Dec-17 12:29:44

Sorry she is 3 months and good point hmm but no idea how I would bring that up...

NerNerNerNerBATMAN Fri 15-Dec-17 12:30:16

Yeah, this sounds pretty normal tbh. Especially in the early days. How old is DD? If it's weeks/early months then I wouldn't be overly concerned tbh.

Could you try an evening out/nice meal out? I found that really helped us get back to communicating better. DD must have been about 16 weeks if I remember correctly

mindutopia Fri 15-Dec-17 12:52:03

I think just give it time. You've been through a huge life change. I was still going to bed at 7pm every night until nearly 3 months and I barely saw my dh as he'd stay up and do the evening shift with our dd. We didn't have a proper evening together without her until 7 months (also the first time we had sex again) and god, we didn't have an overnight until she was nearly 2.5. By then, we'd got back in the groove again. But your whole life has shifted. You do nothing much besides just getting through the day. There really isn't much to talk about again yet. It could be this is just his way of trying to cope with how different everything is and how boring it can be being home with a baby. I think maybe your expectations were a bit high for a date night like you used to have, but it really does take time to get that back. I would say continue to find time alone together. You don't need overnights all the time, just a few hours when MIL can stay at your house with your dd and you two can have dinner out. That will make a huge difference. And forget about all the cleaning and home cooked meals if you can afford it. Get a cleaner, eat a few readymeals a week, and sit down and relax together. It really does help.

CR7987 Fri 15-Dec-17 16:24:32

Pretty usual this. I think men struggle in the very early days with the massive change to their life. Women get a lot of support from family and friends but men get little. It's a shock to their system and this can manifest itself in many ways. Just give it time and work together to maintain the connection.

getschwiftyinhere Fri 15-Dec-17 23:06:31

Thank you CR7 I really hadn't thought of it like that, maybe I should. I think the problem is I am naturally very affectionate and he is different now so it feels like I love him more. But perhaps I've been unfair to expect so much when he is adjusting too.

HipNewName Sat 16-Dec-17 02:15:12

I think that the first year after the birth of the first child is a MASSIVE shift in a relationship. While a few couples may sail right through, most couples struggle. It's exhausting. The work is repetitive. Babies are more effort than most of us realized before we had them. The effects of not getting enough sleep for months on end stress relationships.

How did the birth go? Any big problems that freaked him out? Things that nearly kill either the mother or the child can really mess with a man's head. What about money? Things OK on that front, or is he stressed and feeling like he should be doing a better job of providing. Some of that is cultural, but I suspect that even in cave man days new fathers felt pressure to bring home plenty of saber tooth tiger or mastodon or whatever.

Does he feel like you and the baby are now a unit, and that he isn't quite part of that unit?

Have you tried to just talk to him, tell you how you feel using lots of "I" statements?

Janetjanetjanet Sat 16-Dec-17 02:42:47

We have to DC'S, aged 4 and almost 1.

I can honestly say that by the time they are both in bed asleep we have barely two words to say to each other. We usually have a quick chat and then bed. It's not that we've fallen out, we're just knackered!

It's a massive adjustment op, it takes time. Your DH must be wiped out too, having a baby is a real drain on your mental energy. I guess he's back at work?

scottishdiem Sat 16-Dec-17 02:43:27

Give it time. You want him to be like he was before the baby. Its doubtful you are so why should he be? For example, is going to the bathroom with your eyes filling up something that you used to do or did you talk about things? These things take time as people adjust.

getschwiftyinhere Sat 16-Dec-17 10:09:25

hip you are so right, and yes the birth was seriously traumatic so that must be playing a role. No worries on the money front and since I had an EMCS he and the baby are more of a unit than me!! She's a daddy's girl already but it's lovely for both of them.

I think there's so much truth in what you say and I'm really grateful of all the 'you are normal' posts!

scottish you said the same as everyone else but judgey. No neither of us are the same but the way I love him and the way I show it is the same so I was upset that his has changed. And no I never used to do that because we have never had that problem before. Once I had calmed down we talked about it, I didn't want to start crying in his face right after DTD!

getschwiftyinhere Sat 16-Dec-17 10:11:00

Janet yes he's back at work and he works really hard so I should be more understanding of that. It must be doubly exhausting for him

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