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Is it usual to feel so lost?

(73 Posts)
TaxiDancing Fri 15-Dec-17 01:15:13

Things have gone dramatically wrong with my ‘D’P (of 20 years) over the past 12 months, we’ve been past the point of no return for a while but, due to his actions, there is now social services involvement so I can’t drag my heels anymore and have to act decisively to protect my DS (and myself). I know this rationally. I also know what needs to be done on a practical level and have started contacting the right people to make the arrangements. But it’s like I’m in a daze and just going through the motions.

I feel so ashamed that I didn’t realise the risk he poses to us until the social worker started talking about a refuge and outlining why she feels it may be necessary.

I’m really struggling with is how unreal it all feels, like it’s not really happening to me. I keep forgetting, just for split seconds, then it all hits me again that I have no choice but to give up the home my DS loves and the life I thought we would have and I feel so utterly lost.

Is it normal to know that you’re doing the right thing but feel so uncertain and confused?

CheapSausagesAndSpam Fri 15-Dec-17 01:36:57

Have social services not advised you? Is he still living with you? Can't you throw HIM out so you and DS stay?

NameWithChange Fri 15-Dec-17 02:09:18

I think you are in shock which is completely normal. Can you contact Women's Aid to give you another perspective and a Hand hold through this?


HipNewName Fri 15-Dec-17 02:26:26

I'm so sorry. I think feeling like you are in a daze, and knowing you are doing the right thing but feeling confused are normal things to feel when you have discovered that reality is different than you believed it to be.

You've been with him for over 20 years, but now you realize that the situation isn't safe for you or your child. It's a shock.

When you are going through hell, keep going.

Jessybear90 Fri 15-Dec-17 09:26:56

It is normal OP and unfortunately a very common situation people find themselves in.

It's always heartbreaking when you know you have to do right by your DC although at the time plucking them from their family home does not feel like the right thing to do, it most certainly is if social services are telling you to.

Have social services "told" you to leave or just "advising" you to leave?

Remember, unltimately, social services have the power to remove your children if they have "told" you to do something to safe guard them (for example, superstate from risky partner) and you do not do as they say. Their job is to protect the child.

I know you love your home and you probably have spent the last 20 years working hard for it and now may have to give it up and that is heartbreaking in itself but what would that home be to you if you had your DC taken away from you?

Glad to hear you're getting everything in place now. Is your partner subjecting you to domestic abuse? This could be either emotional or physical.

Hope things get better for you flowers

Jessybear90 Fri 15-Dec-17 09:29:41

Just keep on going, you will get there in the end. Focus on your DS cakebrew

TaxiDancing Fri 15-Dec-17 20:06:14

Thank you, it does help to know that feeling like this is probably normal. Shock makes sense actually, at times I’ve been physically shaking and have a constant knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. It’s like a battle going on in my head between the life I thought we had and reality which is really exhausting.

I don’t want to go into too much detail online but drugs are involved, and as a result the emotional abuse (which I didn’t recognise for what it was before) has really ramped up. Thankfully nothing physical though.

Social services haven’t told me that we have to leave but have advised that we do. In fairness I knew this already deep down but think I have been in denial about how bad it has become.

He won’t leave, and I can’t force him to as he has a legal right to stay. And even if he did I think we’d be constantly looking over our shoulders waiting for him to turn up unannounced. Home should be our little sanctuary to escape to, I want my DS to have that without the constant “what next”, even if that home isn’t where we hoped it would be.

On a positive note I viewed a little flat today with the possibility of getting it next week, I have a couple of colleagues who I’ll never be able to thank enough for that!

Now I just have to try and keep my head down and get through the weekend as best I can while quietly planning.

caringdenise009 Fri 15-Dec-17 20:28:35

It is completely normal to feel lost when faced with a massive change in your life, and in my experience the feeling goes on until you are used to your new normal. It's great that you have support,I hope you feel better soon.

HipNewName Fri 15-Dec-17 20:41:01

I’m so sorry. Drugs can change a person so much.

TaxiDancing Fri 15-Dec-17 21:06:57

You’re right there Hip, it’s like he’s a totally different person who doesn’t seem to care what he’s doing to me or our DS.
It’s heartbreaking really, I’ve tried for months to support him in seeking help but I can’t do it for him and it seems he doesn’t want to do it himself.
So he’s left me with no other option, it still hurts like hell though.

HipNewName Fri 15-Dec-17 21:11:53

You might check out Al Anon. It’s a free support group for people with an alcoholic in their life, and I suspect they would be open to someone who has an addict in their life. It might be wonderful to have that real life support from people who’ve been through similar things. It might help you move past the shock phase.

And it’s free.

TaxiDancing Fri 15-Dec-17 22:28:57

Thank you for the suggestion Hips, as it happens my GP has referred me to a local charity which helps support the families of addicts. I have an appointment next week to talk through the support options available to both DS and myself and from speaking on the phone with them there seems to be a great deal, so I’m optimistic about that.

I think you’re right caring, the massive changes ahead, along with fear of the unknown, is a huge part of why I feel so all over the place. I want to feel resolute and strong but I don’t, instead the more it’s sinking in the more I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

TaxiDancing Sun 17-Dec-17 20:29:30

I’ve felt sick with worry all weekend, I just want this all to go away but I know it won’t.

I feel so so guilty at the thought of taking DS away from his home and moving him to a tiny flat away from his friends. He’s old enough to understand what’s been happening and I’ve explained why we need to leave, I know he gets it but I feel gut wrenchingly sad for him.

I’m not sure I’ve got the strength to cope with this tbh, just typing that out has started me crying again.

I’m sure the fact it’s so close to Christmas isn’t helping either, I feel so fucking alone.

NameWithChange Sun 17-Dec-17 22:50:09

Hi Op, you are not alone, we are here for support if we can help at all.

Try not to focus on what your DS will lose, from the sounds of it there are no options and he will lose a lot more if you stay thanks

NameWithChange Sun 17-Dec-17 22:50:57

... this isn't about today or this week or Christmas, this is about a whole future for a little boy and it sounds like you have no choice so just grab the best option and run.

Lily2007 Sun 17-Dec-17 23:50:28

If you own the house you are in you maybe able to stay in it and get him removed if he's a danger to you, WomensAid can advise. It takes around 2 weeks for which you're advised to go elsewhere like a refuge but then you've got your house back.

DancingLedge Mon 18-Dec-17 00:01:43

You're not alone.
Some of us have been through similar difficult times.
We're here with you.
Your love and concern for your DS shines out of what you write. You ,and he, will get through this, and reach a better life.

It's always poignant, when shit happens around Christmas. Hang on in there, this time next year, life will have settled, and you'll look back, and be proud of your strength. Even if today it feels more like wobbles.

Hope the flat works out, and you and DS have the best Christmas you can, together.

ALittleBitConfused1 Mon 18-Dec-17 08:30:01

Taxi dancing I hope you are safe and that you and your d's are ok.
I found myself in a similar position. I was in a relationship with a man whom I thought loved me and who I loved very much, we wasn't married and although there were young children involved (his) we didn't have any together so I was in a slightly better off position.
We moved in together (my house so again I was lucky with that) although it didn't feel like it at the time. It became apparent very quickly that he had been managing to hide an alcohol problem, I just thought he was strong willed but it also became clear very quickly that he was abusive. Both mentally and emotionally. Within weeks I was trapped, he wouldn't leave and him and his moods began controlling my life. Emotional minapulation and fear were his favourite tools of power.
Nothing I did, said, thought or felt was right. He would scream at me, shout, threaten me, call me names and subject me to hours of abusive texts whenever I tried to end it. He just wouldn't go.
I left my home numerous times just to get away from him.
To cut a long story short early this year, after a very bad two days he got drunk, locked me in the house and assaulted me for two hours, he then kicked me out of my own house, so please don't think that your partner may never turn violent because they usually do, once their other means of abuse stop working.
The police were involved and I was taken to safety. While i was at the police station giving my statement and having photos taken of my injuries i just remember thinking how has this happened to me, how did i get this so wrong. I was referred to WA (who were amazing) the first time I visited their centre I couldn't make myself go in I sat outside crying. My idvo had to come out and get me. I just felt so embarrassed and full of shame.
For weeks and weeks I couldn't go out on my own. I got signed off of work and just sat indoors. I walked round in a state of fear and what I now recognise as extreme shock. I began sleep walking, I would wake up screaming in another room. I jumped at every noise. Evenings were my enemy, because I couldn't see who was out there. I was a shadow of my fiesty, determined?, strong former self.
I just couldn't escape the feeling of failure and disbelief that my life had become a merry go round of helplessness, restraining orders, police appointments and trauma counselling as they called it.
I didn't want to be one of those women. I didn't want to sit in a room crying to a complete stranger. I didn't want to stand in court and explain details of my personal life. I didn't want to be so scared of someone knocking on my door that at Halloween I sat in a room with a candle lit so people thought I was out.
5 months of therapy have taught me that I am one of those women and that's ok, it's ok because abuse and addiction occurrs in all walks of life. It isn't a reflection on me, it is a reflection on my abuser, it determines what type of person he is, it doesn't have to define who I am.
He made me a victim, i couldnt change that but I had the power to become a survivor, thats what i do now, I survive.
My house is now my home, decorated how I want it, with no one screaming at me to change every good damn thing about my life.
I realise that all those things he called me over and over are actually how he feels about himself. That's sad but it isn't my job to fix him, it's his job, I am only responsible for fixing me.
I feel for his child because the chances are after seeing everything he has he will grow thinking that's ok. It's proven that children raised in abusive situations are more likely to go on to abuse or be abused as adults. This is true of my ex and I hope doesn't work out that way for his child.
You have the power to create a different future for your ds, grab it with both hands hun.
I know how it feels to have your world blown apart and all you can do is stand there and watch but you can rebuild. It's hard but so worth it, you get to reshape it to how you want it, and when you're done all that hard work will feel like the best thing you've ever done.
My situation felt a lot like grief, a sudden death, I researched grief models, it helped to understand that how I was feeling was completely normal.
I now crave peace and quiet, at the moment that is also normal as due to ptsd I'm hyper sensitive to noise, I'm gradually getting to know myself and boy I am enjoying it. I've realised that no one can take the strength I possess, it will be the same for you. I'm sorry this is so long, I just wanted to let you know how it feels when you get to the other side. Good luck op and hugs for you and ds.

TaxiDancing Mon 18-Dec-17 12:47:17

Thank you all, it helps to know that others have got through something similar and come out the other side - how sad though that so many women and children have to deal with this sort of situation.

I’m not completely naive to the possibility of him turning violent, I know what has happened so far is as a result of him feeling like he’s losing “control” of me. For the moment at least, he’s oddly emotionless but intent on trying to make me the one to blame.
I am worried about what will happen when we actually move out though, right now I don’t think he believes I’ll go through with it.

TaxiDancing Tue 19-Dec-17 20:00:24

Well on my way with the flat (keeping pretty vague on here, just in case) but I’m really struggling tonight.
As far as I know he’s not slept since Thursday night and I’m starting to get really scared now, his behaviour is so bizarre and delusional and I’m constantly on edge.
The worst part is that previously it’s almost been like he can reign it in when he needs to (for example with the doctor or police) and comes across as normal. It’s making me feel like I’m losing my mind!

Tell me I can get through this please because it really doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

NameWithChange Tue 19-Dec-17 20:52:03

I think your senses are telling you that something is building and about to kick off. Please don't ignore your instincts.

Is there any way you can stay with friends or family until the flat is ready?

TaxiDancing Tue 19-Dec-17 22:10:04

Unfortunately there’s nowhere else we can stay at the moment.

He’s leaving me alone mostly for now though, I think I’m just stressed and on edge.

NameWithChange Tue 19-Dec-17 22:23:54

Take care OP.

springydaffs Tue 19-Dec-17 22:52:40

Can you call 111 to let them know you are very concerned about the atmosphere at home. There week be a record of sociability services involvement.

I am concerned for your safety. You are sensing that things are ratcheting up - don't ignore that.

You are in a lot of shock. Take care of yourself bit at the same time act quickly don't ignore your instincts, get the right people behind you eg Women's Aid, social services, the police.

local Women's Aid here

Take care sweetie flowers

springydaffs Tue 19-Dec-17 22:53:45

Great post confused xx

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