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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

His ex 'the love of his life'

43 replies

Dixhuitagain · 14/12/2017 22:45

Hi, bit of a newbie to mumsnet but have read a few threads and would really appreciate a bit of advice.
I'm divorced as is my boyfriend and we were talking the other night about his ex and what went wrong. I have asked him questions about it before but this time he added that he tried really hard to keep the relationship going because she was the love of his life.
I know he's only my boyfriend and he tells me he loves me but it's got stuck in my head and I can't seem to get over it mentally. I don't want to be someone's second choice yet I feel that's exactly what I am. He's also very cautious about discussing the future and I have huge concerns I'm going to spend years in a half arsed relationship!

OP posts:

Report

Timefortea99 · 14/12/2017 22:48

He is not a keeper. I would get out now. He is beyond rude to say love of his life. You deserve to find somebody who thinks you are the love of their life.

Belleoftheball8 · 14/12/2017 22:49

Why are you talking about your past relationships in the first place?

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2017 22:52

It’s fine to talk about past relationships if you both wish to. Howcer what he said was not just tactless but shows he is still very hung up on her. As such, it’s probably time to end it, I’m sorry.

inlectorecumbit · 14/12/2017 22:52

Sounds as if he is still not over her. how long have they been divorced?

Cantuccit · 14/12/2017 22:54

Yes, not a good sign I'm afraid.

How long have you been together?

headinhands · 14/12/2017 22:54

Nope. That's not right. You deserve someone who wouldn't feel that, let alone say that. And all this 'love of my life' stuff. Is he 13?

chestylarue52 · 14/12/2017 22:55

He was with her and she left him even tho he didn't want her to. He was honest with you about it.

What are you going to do with that information?

Dixhuitagain · 14/12/2017 22:56

Belleoftheball8 I think most people do discuss their past relationships, it's helps to understand where you went wrong and personally I like to understand people's backgrounds.
Timefortea99 I think it was very insensitive of him to say that and he can be lacking in common sense about these things sometimes, he does struggle with emotions.

OP posts:

longestlurkerever · 14/12/2017 22:57

Going against the grain here, I don't think it's so bad. I think he meant at that stage he considered her the love of his life and worked hard at the relationship. That's no bad thing. Your feelings about his commitment may be valid but are separate to this I think.

leftwiththedognow · 14/12/2017 23:00

think most people do discuss their past relationships, it's helps to understand where you went wrong and personally I like to understand people's backgrounds

And now you know.

Dixhuitagain · 14/12/2017 23:00

Just to add their breakup was mutual. It was at a stalemate as he puts it. He said love of his life in the context of, I tried very hard because she was... I think he was trying to justify himself. His divorce is less than a year old and we've had a bit of a rough ride because of it but we get on really well and are very happy when we're together.

OP posts:

RefuseTheLies · 14/12/2017 23:01

He said was, not is.

Dixhuitagain · 14/12/2017 23:03

Thank you RefuseTheLies, I think that is quite a crucial word and one I hadn't considered.

OP posts:

pudding21 · 14/12/2017 23:19

I'm sorry, i am going to go against the grain here. I left a long relationship, so far in my life he WAS the love of my life. Am I over him? probably not, we were together a long time. Do I ever want to get back with him, NO?

They split up for a reason, give him a chance to learn to love you like he loved her, you cannot replace what they had but you can make more memories. You are not his ex, you are you. Mumsnet can be a cynical place sometimes. If there is more to this than just what he said I stand corrected, but if you are otherwise happy I wouldn't take it as a bad thing as such.

Lefty1 · 14/12/2017 23:26

He says he loves you so I wouldn't worry about the ex especially as he used the word "was".

When you say he is cautious about discussing the future , what do you mean? That's probably more telling?

Coyoacan · 15/12/2017 03:41

It sounds a little bit like commitment phobia to me. The actual love of my life (though I'm glad we didn't stay together) used to tell me about a Japanese tourist he had known and how he still hankered after her. Now he is married to a lovely woman who is jealous of me (when I am absolutely no competition for her) so I wouldn't be surprised if he has made me out to be some long-lost love, unfortunately. I believe he thinks that that way the women in his life won't get too hung up on him.

HipNewName · 15/12/2017 04:19

"I have asked him questions about it before but this time he added that he tried really hard to keep the relationship going because she was the love of his life."

On one hand, I think it is normal to talk a little previous relationships. But the way you phrase this I think you are out of line. It sounds like you keep asking questions and trying to dig into it, may be even asking him the same question multiple times.

Drop it. Stop asking about her and their relationship.

If he had said "she was the love of my life," out of the blue, then it would be a red flag. But since he said it during questioning, it doesn't count. He was trying to figure out what you wanted to hear to end the conversation. Give the guy a break.

Try living in the present.

YeahRightOk · 15/12/2017 04:23

Nope. i'd bail. leave him to his grieving and moping.

SnowGlitter · 15/12/2017 04:24

Agree with pudding.

I don't know, if they criticise the ex it's a bad thing, if they say they loved her it's a bad thing...

HipNewName · 15/12/2017 04:37

if they criticise the ex it's a bad thing, if they say they loved her it's a bad thing

yeah, so may be repeated questioning sessions about the ex are a bad idea if you want to be in a relationship.

daisychain01 · 15/12/2017 04:42

Sounds tedious, he was obviously trying to make a point, how does he expect you to match up to those high standards.

My experience is that if the person is a keeper, they will be honest about the past but will protect the other person's feelings and give them confidence there are no residual feelings standing in the way.

He could have qualified his statement by saying although she was important at the time, he has moved on in a big way and what is important is what you have together. He wasn't willing or prepared to do that, which is pretty mean, as it leaves nagging doubts. Maybe he wants a bit of control there?

SnowGlitter · 15/12/2017 04:46

Or maybe he just didn't realise what said would come under such scrutiny.

Or maybe his previous responses had been unsatisfactory to the OP and she'd repeatedly asked him about his ex until he said something she didn't like.

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AhYerWill · 15/12/2017 06:56

The 'understanding where you went wrong' thing is something you need to work through alone (or with a therapist if needed) NOT with a new partner. It's not normal to repeatedly question a new boyfriend about past relationships - it's intrusive and indicates a lack of healthy boundaries.

If he hasn't worked through the emotional fallout from his last relationship yet, then he's not ready for a new relationship, and you should walk away rather than trying to 'fix' his issues for him. If he has, trust that he's moved on and stop digging up the past asking questions you won't like the answer to.

Dixhuitagain · 15/12/2017 07:05

I think I've asked him maybe once or twice before about their relationship, it's definitely not something I have done often and there has always been context behind it. He doesn't like talking about it and I respect that although I think being able to talk about what went wrong is a healthy way to move on.
Otherwise I think it can be left to fester, particularly with men who never work out why they managed to ruin their relationship and then it's on to the next one.
After that conversation he then opened up to me about himself in a way that was new. I think he's been hurt massively by what happened and is very guarded. I'm going to think some more about whether this is a bit of a red flag for me or not. Thanks for the responses.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 15/12/2017 07:08

You sound hard work wanting rehash old relationships.

As a PP said, that's for therapy.
All he said was that he worked on his marriage because she was the love of his life.
OK, I personally think phrases like that are childish wank, but it's just an easy well known phrase to trot out.

Are you generally insecure in this relationship?
Rather than over analysing his description of past relationships, I'd spend my time analysing why I was insecure - because of something you need to work on, or because of something he does?

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