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His ex 'the love of his life'

(44 Posts)
Dixhuitagain Thu 14-Dec-17 22:45:43

Hi, bit of a newbie to mumsnet but have read a few threads and would really appreciate a bit of advice.
I'm divorced as is my boyfriend and we were talking the other night about his ex and what went wrong. I have asked him questions about it before but this time he added that he tried really hard to keep the relationship going because she was the love of his life.
I know he's only my boyfriend and he tells me he loves me but it's got stuck in my head and I can't seem to get over it mentally. I don't want to be someone's second choice yet I feel that's exactly what I am. He's also very cautious about discussing the future and I have huge concerns I'm going to spend years in a half arsed relationship!

Timefortea99 Thu 14-Dec-17 22:48:44

He is not a keeper. I would get out now. He is beyond rude to say love of his life. You deserve to find somebody who thinks you are the love of their life.

Belleoftheball8 Thu 14-Dec-17 22:49:49

Why are you talking about your past relationships in the first place?

Bluntness100 Thu 14-Dec-17 22:52:09

It’s fine to talk about past relationships if you both wish to. Howcer what he said was not just tactless but shows he is still very hung up on her. As such, it’s probably time to end it, I’m sorry.

inlectorecumbit Thu 14-Dec-17 22:52:37

Sounds as if he is still not over her. how long have they been divorced?

Cantuccit Thu 14-Dec-17 22:54:37

Yes, not a good sign I'm afraid.

How long have you been together?

headinhands Thu 14-Dec-17 22:54:39

Nope. That's not right. You deserve someone who wouldn't feel that, let alone say that. And all this 'love of my life' stuff. Is he 13?

chestylarue52 Thu 14-Dec-17 22:55:04

He was with her and she left him even tho he didn't want her to. He was honest with you about it.

What are you going to do with that information?

Dixhuitagain Thu 14-Dec-17 22:56:50

Belleoftheball8 I think most people do discuss their past relationships, it's helps to understand where you went wrong and personally I like to understand people's backgrounds.
Timefortea99 I think it was very insensitive of him to say that and he can be lacking in common sense about these things sometimes, he does struggle with emotions.

longestlurkerever Thu 14-Dec-17 22:57:57

Going against the grain here, I don't think it's so bad. I think he meant at that stage he considered her the love of his life and worked hard at the relationship. That's no bad thing. Your feelings about his commitment may be valid but are separate to this I think.

leftwiththedognow Thu 14-Dec-17 23:00:18

think most people do discuss their past relationships, it's helps to understand where you went wrong and personally I like to understand people's backgrounds

And now you know.

Dixhuitagain Thu 14-Dec-17 23:00:46

Just to add their breakup was mutual. It was at a stalemate as he puts it. He said love of his life in the context of, I tried very hard because she was... I think he was trying to justify himself. His divorce is less than a year old and we've had a bit of a rough ride because of it but we get on really well and are very happy when we're together.

RefuseTheLies Thu 14-Dec-17 23:01:09

He said was, not is.

Dixhuitagain Thu 14-Dec-17 23:03:55

Thank you RefuseTheLies, I think that is quite a crucial word and one I hadn't considered.

pudding21 Thu 14-Dec-17 23:19:18

I'm sorry, i am going to go against the grain here. I left a long relationship, so far in my life he WAS the love of my life. Am I over him? probably not, we were together a long time. Do I ever want to get back with him, NO?

They split up for a reason, give him a chance to learn to love you like he loved her, you cannot replace what they had but you can make more memories. You are not his ex, you are you. Mumsnet can be a cynical place sometimes. If there is more to this than just what he said I stand corrected, but if you are otherwise happy I wouldn't take it as a bad thing as such.

Lefty1 Thu 14-Dec-17 23:26:17

He says he loves you so I wouldn't worry about the ex especially as he used the word "was".

When you say he is cautious about discussing the future , what do you mean? That's probably more telling?

Coyoacan Fri 15-Dec-17 03:41:29

It sounds a little bit like commitment phobia to me. The actual love of my life (though I'm glad we didn't stay together) used to tell me about a Japanese tourist he had known and how he still hankered after her. Now he is married to a lovely woman who is jealous of me (when I am absolutely no competition for her) so I wouldn't be surprised if he has made me out to be some long-lost love, unfortunately. I believe he thinks that that way the women in his life won't get too hung up on him.

HipNewName Fri 15-Dec-17 04:19:05

"I have asked him questions about it before but this time he added that he tried really hard to keep the relationship going because she was the love of his life."

On one hand, I think it is normal to talk a little previous relationships. But the way you phrase this I think you are out of line. It sounds like you keep asking questions and trying to dig into it, may be even asking him the same question multiple times.

Drop it. Stop asking about her and their relationship.

If he had said "she was the love of my life," out of the blue, then it would be a red flag. But since he said it during questioning, it doesn't count. He was trying to figure out what you wanted to hear to end the conversation. Give the guy a break.

Try living in the present.

YeahRightOk Fri 15-Dec-17 04:23:35

Nope. i'd bail. leave him to his grieving and moping.

SnowGlitter Fri 15-Dec-17 04:24:46

Agree with pudding.

I don't know, if they criticise the ex it's a bad thing, if they say they loved her it's a bad thing...

HipNewName Fri 15-Dec-17 04:37:43

if they criticise the ex it's a bad thing, if they say they loved her it's a bad thing

yeah, so may be repeated questioning sessions about the ex are a bad idea if you want to be in a relationship.

daisychain01 Fri 15-Dec-17 04:42:30

Sounds tedious, he was obviously trying to make a point, how does he expect you to match up to those high standards.

My experience is that if the person is a keeper, they will be honest about the past but will protect the other person's feelings and give them confidence there are no residual feelings standing in the way.

He could have qualified his statement by saying although she was important at the time, he has moved on in a big way and what is important is what you have together. He wasn't willing or prepared to do that, which is pretty mean, as it leaves nagging doubts. Maybe he wants a bit of control there?

SnowGlitter Fri 15-Dec-17 04:46:32

Or maybe he just didn't realise what said would come under such scrutiny.

Or maybe his previous responses had been unsatisfactory to the OP and she'd repeatedly asked him about his ex until he said something she didn't like.

AhYerWill Fri 15-Dec-17 06:56:41

The 'understanding where you went wrong' thing is something you need to work through alone (or with a therapist if needed) NOT with a new partner. It's not normal to repeatedly question a new boyfriend about past relationships - it's intrusive and indicates a lack of healthy boundaries.

If he hasn't worked through the emotional fallout from his last relationship yet, then he's not ready for a new relationship, and you should walk away rather than trying to 'fix' his issues for him. If he has, trust that he's moved on and stop digging up the past asking questions you won't like the answer to.

Dixhuitagain Fri 15-Dec-17 07:05:45

I think I've asked him maybe once or twice before about their relationship, it's definitely not something I have done often and there has always been context behind it. He doesn't like talking about it and I respect that although I think being able to talk about what went wrong is a healthy way to move on.
Otherwise I think it can be left to fester, particularly with men who never work out why they managed to ruin their relationship and then it's on to the next one.
After that conversation he then opened up to me about himself in a way that was new. I think he's been hurt massively by what happened and is very guarded. I'm going to think some more about whether this is a bit of a red flag for me or not. Thanks for the responses.

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