FIL is living with another woman

[Neverworkwithchildrenoranimals]

When I got together with my DH his father was working away and had been for some years. MIL and he sold the family home and he went where the work was. I've always been suspicious as he hardly ever visits and when he does, it will only be for the day despite a 12hr round trip. He hasn't given anyone his address and half the time doesn't answer his mobile.
We got married in May this year and during this DH asked FIl, and he told him. He's living with another woman, have been for a few years and they have a house together. DH told him he must tell Mil . He said he was going to.
Now 7 months later it's clear he's got no intention of telling her and we have to spend Xmas eve all together playing happy families. I've asked DH countless times to tell MIL but he doesn't want to be the one to cause the upset.
It's really hard because she signs all cards and presents from the two of them as if they are still a couple. She is the 'bury your head in the sand' type.
WWYD in this situation? I hate secrets and lies and I feel so awkward.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

Gawd how terribly sad - so logistically how does this actually work? Where does your MIL live since the family home was sold? Does the OW know about your MIL and that she believes they are still together? Are there any other siblings apart from DH? How cruel of your FiL.
I'd have to say something to MIL. If your DH won't and there are no other offspring I would have to. Incredibly hard though.

[Neverworkwithchildrenoranimals]

MIL lives with her mum as she's in her nineties and needs a lot of help. DH has two younger brothers who don't know. The OW knows he has family here, apparently she doesn't want to be his little secret anymore. I think that's the only reason he told DH tbh. It's so hard because DH definitely doesn't want me to say anything.

[Gemini69]

your FIL is disgusting.. I'm so sorry Lady...

[InfiniteSheldon]

She knows, leave her alone to her own choices she won't thank you

[Jellybean85]

Normally I'm all for the honesty and coming clean, but she's in her 90s, he never comes home and she moved in with her mum. I'm with the poster who said she knows. No need to drag it up and cause upset

[Neverworkwithchildrenoranimals]

I do wonder that myself infinite

[Jellybean85]

Sorry I've phrased it badly and made it look like mil in her 90s but my point stands, she moved in with her mum, who's in her 90s. They sold their house, I think she knows

[Neverworkwithchildrenoranimals]

MIL is in her sixties, her mum is in her nineties

[Graphista]

I'd be very surprised if mil doesn't already know.

Horrible situation for your dh, while he says he doesn't want to be the one to tell his mum (understandable) in his position I'd be tempted to advise him to tell his father "either you tell her by X date or I will" and hopefully then your fil won't continue being quite as much of a selfish Dick!

Either way there's going to be massive fallout. I knew of a situation where wife and ow found out about each other upon the guys death - awful.

[flimp]

I agree, she knows...

[Coyoacan]

She knows, leave her alone to her own choices she won't thank you

Here in Mexico City, there is a culture of men having another family in another part of the city, without their wife's knowledge. My neighbour discovered that her father had another such family and told her mother. Her mother stopped speaking to her for two years (and they had been very close) and was frankly never happy again.

[Pretenditsaplan]

Be gonest with the other woman about how fil is presenting hin self and then leave them too it if shes that bothered shell force the issue if shes not thats on them

[kmc1111]

I wouldn't get in the middle. Whether or not MIL knows or suspects about the OW, she has to be aware that FIL all but officially left her years ago. If she's not acknowledging that at all, then she's made her choice and she's really not going to appreciate anyone trying to open her eyes to reality.

It sounds like the OW might force the issue soon anyway.

[Snowinhell]

You are both in a completely no-win situation here. As I see it there are three possible scenarios.


If she knows, then she will not thank either of you for bringing it into the open
If she finds out later, and discovers that you knew then, she will either be glad that you tried to protect her, or angry that you colluded with her DH.
If you decide to tell her, she might blame you for adding to the stress of her life. Quite often, in this situation, people blame the messenger.

One last very important point. Your FiL has been very cowardly. I think that he wants his son to tell her. Just think about your MiLs financial future if this gives FiL the opportunity to divorce. She will lose out on his pension and any inheritaance she may be entitled to. Same goes for you and your DH. If he marries without making a new Will, the OW will get everything.

[teaortequila23]

I think she knows too and if it’s her personality to bury her head in the sand this sounds classic. Leave her to it. She don’t want it to be real.

[LemonysSnicket]

I imagine MiL knows and is a) too stressed with her ill mother to want to confront it and b) would rather be felt guilty in the lie and didn’t leave everything to OW when he dies. As soon as he tells MiL, he’s home free and guilt free and she knows it.