Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Betrayed...Not sure if I’m being unreasonable.(177 Posts)
I’m prepared for a pasting here to be honest but I’m in a situation in my head and I think I need outside input.
Myself and my baby’s partner separated at the start of the year. I dated a few guys and then met someone who I clicked with instantly. We were amazing together and eventually got into a relationship. It was very intense and we fell in love very quickly. Everything just felt perfect and for the first time in decades, after such a long time of hating myself (history of eating disorders) I felt like a human being again.
Then he broke it off. Very suddenly. He said he was still in love with me and his feelings for me hadn’t changed, but he was in a situation with his mental health and finances and he didn’t think he could cope with a relationship. Like a fool, I believed him and accepted it with a lot of tears.
A week later he was back on Tinder. He said his ego was low and he needed boosting. Again, I just believed him. I still held out hope if he felt that way about me, that we could try again somewhere down the line.
After we broke up I lost my appetite and my anorexia started to return. I was blaming myself as I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he was looking for someone better on Tinder and it was all to do with my appearance. 3 weeks after the break up, we started sleeping together again. He repeatedly told me he loved me or I wouldn’t have done it...it gave me hope. He still said he wasn’t ready for a relationship with anyone, and that it was just two people who loved each other, showing that to each other via sex. Again, I just lapped it up.
4 days after the last time we slept together and he kissed me goodbye, he was in a new relationship with someone else. He met her via the friends who advised him to break up with me to begin with.
Whilst I realise we were not together, he now says he only told me he loved me and slept with me to try and help me get through my relapse. He should have been ‘clearer’ with me, he says.
I’m now deeply in the throes of anorexia and I’m in pieces. I can’t stop thinking about them together. He wants to be friends and to help me through my eating disorder, but he is the trigger for it to begin with - I’ve been well over 10 years.
I don’t know what to do. I love him but he’s moved on. I don’t know whether I should feel wronged or like an idiot for believing anything he told me. He considers this new girl ‘better’ than me and says it ‘just happened’...I can’t get past it all in my head and move forward.
Can anyone offer me ANY advice with any of this? Everything hurts xx
I'm very sorry that this has happened berries. I think for your own health you need to take a big step back and look after you. Harder said than done when their is heart break I know.
Would you be happy to go and see your GP? Do you have any support friends or family wise?
Hey Mama. I’ve been to the GP and the eating disorders service know me from way back. I’m slightly concerned that I may not be ‘light’ enough yet to qualify for proper referral as my BMI is 19 right now, but I’m just not eating at all. I’ve gone for help early because of my son.
I can’t stand the fact that he feels no responsibility or sadness for this at all but I desperately don’t want to care HOW he feels. I want to be angry at him but I still love him. ARGH. Xx
What about self referring to online CBT? It's very quick - within a couple of days you get an appointment just to get some strategies to manage.
With regards to your ex. I think the best thing to do is separate yourself physically from him with no contact and that eventually it will not hurt as much. When I was dumped unexpectedly I read about the 7 stages of grief during break ups and it really helped.
Forget him and try to move on, hes not worth risking your health for
Just keep in your mind the worst things, not the good times,
Thinking like this has always helped me to get over someone
You are worth more than that
Why would you want to be with someone who says his new girlfriend is "better" than you, and only slept with you and told you he loved you out of sympathy
I hope you can get through this and see him, for what he is, he is messing with your head
Mama - I keep reading about the stages of grief. I think I’m deep in the depression stage. I’ve passed denial now - he’s in a new relationship, I can’t deny it to myself.
Lovemylover - Thankyou. I needed to hear this. Everyone is telling him that he’s done nothing wrong to me so he’s just carrying on like I should be fine about it all. Keeps asking me ‘what’s wrong?’ when I reply to him with one word texts. I can’t understand it. Xx
Block him completely. Do not allow him to 'help' you.
Thankyou KentNurse. I’m trying to do that. It’s just so bloody hard to do when you’re still in love, even if they aren’t. X
The only way out of this is complete NO CONTACT.
Honestly, he sounds like an absolute shit who love bombed and future faked you and is such an arsehole he is still trying to ‘help’ you when you are clearly very ill and he is not fucking helping!
He sounds really horrid and you sound really lovely.
Concentrate on you and your lovely son. Cut him off completely and never talk to him again.
Time and distance are great healers. Contact with him will keep that wound open.
And remember, you got on just fine without him for the whole of your life.
You say you were happier than even but he has actually made you ill.
He is not a good person.
Pa stop seeing your self as in love with him. You are in love with the idea of him. He is a bloody arsehole!
Get angry, count your lucky stars that he has focused his toxic self on someone else now and steer well clear.
It’s the only way.
OP: sorry to hear you are not in a great shape mentally. He is not a good man. He would not treat you like that if he was. Block him and get yourself well, good luck.
Pam - God, thankyou. I needed to hear this and it’s exactly why I have posted about it here, because the only person who knows us both is his best friend (also his last ex girlfriend) who is just going to tell him what he wants to hear. I have no desire to speak to her anyway. Everyone who knows him just thinks he’s an altruistic saint and it has started to make me feel bad for feeling like I should be angry.
I bought presents for his children as he promised me I’d meet them before Christmas. Spent a fortune. I’ve just given them to him to give to them anyway as I want them to be happy and he doesn’t have much. God I’m such a mug...xx
Pudding - Thankyou. I keep veering back and forth between ‘he genuinely thought he was helping’ to ‘he was getting what he wanted because he said I was good at sex, until someone else came along and filled that place’. I can’t help but think the latter MUST be true because of all the lies. X
sweet I was in a similar situation last Christmas, I split with my ex 4 days before Christmas. The impact on my mental health was huge and by the new year I had hit rock bottom. The person who I was so in love with turned out not to be who I thought he was and my whole world came crashing down. I stopped eating and lost weight fast.
I had also spent a fortune on presents for his kids and on him.
I cut all contact with him, blocked him and eventually had to get an injunction against him as he tried every way to contact me and stalk me.
I just want you to know that the way you are feeling now won’t last for ever, it’s ok to be upset and angry, I felt angry with myself for letting my guard down and falling for his rubbish. Mumsnet helped me a lot, people made me realise that no man is worth this and I wasn’t going to let him ruin me. I am now much stronger, it takes time but you will get there. Don’t let this dick head do this too you. Try and eat a little or drink a protein shake, make plans, things you can look forward too, arrange to meet friends and get support from family.
Lovemusic - Thankyou. Thankyou so much. He’s messaging me even now. Wants to see me. He wants so badly to be friends with me and I don’t get it. I’m sad because he ignores me for his girlfriend now, as he should I suppose, but seems so desperate to be my friend. It hurts. You’re right, I need to cut all contact. I just don’t know if I can.
Darling he’s an absolute arsehole. He’s strung you along until someone else came along. He used you, abused you and made you ill too. The only way to manage this and to start to recover is to absolutely cut all contact, and I mean all contact. It’s very very hard but it truly works. Think of it in lots of beneficial ways, you retain dignity, you give yourself space and time to recover, you can cry/scream, do what ever you want but he won’t see or know. Once you get past the 1st stage it gets easier and easier in huge steps and you can make sure you put yourself back together. This man has destroyed you, he is not a friend. He’s a reptile. Try to let him go, seek support from your friends and family. If it helps I’m 12 weeks no contact now and I’ve never felt better. Truly better. I don’t have your anorexia battle to deal with. You are a strong lady, you beat this once, you absolutely CAN DO THIS
Oh and too add there are great threads on here for support with no contact x
Aminuts - I’ve been overwhelmed by the support here. I really have. You’re right - he only ever talks to me when his GF isn’t available to chat to, which is no sort of support or friend considering the circumstances. I know I can beat the anorexia if I try hard. I’ve already sought help for my son’s sake. It just hurts even more that he won’t accept any part in making me ill. He just ‘tried to help’. X
Message him one last message, tell him you need to concentrate on your mental health and you need to do it without his help, tell him you are now blocking his number and if he has any feelings for you he will back off. I know it’s hard and it will hurt but after a few days you will actually feel relieved and slowly things will get better, you will think about him less and less and you will feel strong for walking away from his bull shit.
He’s a ass hole, he’s probably trying to keep you sweet incase it doesn’t work out with the other woman ( because then he will need sex ), he’s using you, you don’t want to be a 2nd choice? Your worth more than that.
Ah. Yes, how convenient (for him) that the best way to help you, was to have sex with you.
He could have :
Booked you a spa day
Bought tickets for you and your DC to see a Panto
Sent you flowers
....but no, having sex was the thing to do.
HE'S A MANIPULATING, FUCKING LYING, ARSE HOLE.
Please, for your own sanity block this twat on everything. He's playing the puppet master here. DO NOT be his puppet. RUN.
What an absolute arse. Please look after yourself and cut contact. You CAN do it
Lovemusic, Huskylover and Tictactic - I actually cried reading these comments. It is such a relief to know that I’m not being selfish and outrageous about this. I actually managed to eat a tiny bit of something. I hope you guys know what that means to me
As I say, he only messages me when his GF isn’t available and that hurts like all hell. But this thread is making me realise that the fact he could do this to me in the first place means he must not be the wonderful person I thought he was. Xx
Block block block him and keep talking to us. He does NOT have your best interests at heart.
Well done for posting here. You knew deep down it was not right. Keep talking to us. This is the start of a healthier and happier you right here. You need to cut adrift the only thing holding you back, him.
You can do this!
Echo what everyone else says. Do not give this man the time of day. He's treated you really badly and guilt is telling him that you should be friends. You can't be. It's one sided. He's moved on. Delete his number, block his number, ignore his calls, don't stalk his social media and give yourself some space from him. You don't deserve to be treated like this, keep reminding yourself of that. He's damaging you. It will be hard, but each day will get easier and easier. Take it one day at a time and remind yourself that he does not deserve you!! [floweres]
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.