That I don't want a 'full on' relationship. I'm happy seeing someone 1-2 times a week and no more. I like my own space I never want to live with a man again I really don't want to be in a fully committed relationship I'm OK saying 'No thanks, I don't want to see you again' The nice, good looking, sexy, funny, etc... Pool of men in my age group is very very very small indeed!
That there are relatively few available men (even unavailable men, as far as I can see) out there who are able to take full responsibility for their lives and their feelings; who have dealt with their mother issues enough not to regress as soon as the flare of passion has worn off; and who are able to deal with the fears that vulnerability and intimacy engender.
That patience is essential. That there is a needle in the haystack. But there's a hell of a lot of grotty hay. That I can be happy single, only happy when coupled with someone compatible, not a 'youll do' person
SnowGlitter - I'm sorry you feel that way, but if you're talking about your experience of internet dating, then all I'll say is that it's shallow, shallow, shallow.
With so many people to choose from, the most conventionally attractive people are the ones in high demand. It is an unrealistic, but unfortunately highly financially successful and popular, means of meeting people. No room for getting to know someone gradually, really; and no room for seeing the whole person in a more measured, true to life way.
I also wonder how many encounters you've had to have this experience mirrored to you. Is it one, or a couple, or many?
Also, I want to add something that is perhaps the most important thing: If your mother said that to you, then you have internalised a particularly damaging, abusive statement. A sentence on how you see yourself and how you live your life.
When something so damaging enters us, we will tend to unconsciously pick circumstances and partners who reinforce this. In which case, we need to do some work to get ourselves out of it.
That after having dated lots of men of all shapes, sizes and ages I have a type and I will stick to it.
That I don't care if I'm shallow, I'm just as visually stimulated as any man and I expect to fancy a bloke in order to have a second date. Just being able to hold a conversation and be "nice" is not enough; I have platonic male friends for that. There has to be a spark, and I no longer think "Oh, I'll give him a chance, he might grow on me".
That I'm probably more suited to relationships of under 2 years rather than striving for something long term. And that this is OK.
That if a man is a bit lazy in bed I should get rid ASAP because they never get better, even after a heart to heart.
Although looks wise I’m confident, I also learned I myself need to/want to “up my game” socially and professionally?
Ive been a happy hippy type for a lot of my life, but meeting and dating professional types made me inspired to start studying again, as otherwise the “gap” would be too big later on?
It’s like I don’t want to be that 46 year old woman who is “a cool character and scrubs up ok” but still temping in the service industry?
I learned how to get through OD (not taking too seriously, to meet asap, how to screen out the weirdos)
I learnt the experience of lots of nice dinner venues and coffee shops in my city
I agree with the whole “wanting someone for a weekend” thinking.
What is interesting (from a feminist POV) is how a lot of guys actually really want A Proper Girlfriend asap so they can be lazy and stop making an effort and spend get her to do Wifework
I appreciate it’s a “biased sample” (the guys you see continually going the rounds on OD often have something wrong with them) but there are a lot of unpleasant, desperate, guys with issues.
Similar to an above poster, as I’m childfree by choice, I learned I don’t want to take on some dude who I’m not really into just to tick a box - that’s what platonic male friends are! I don’t need to talk myself into getting drunk and giving my vagina to someone I’m not attracted to physically
Snow glitter, sorry but it does matter. It’s important that you don’t think this about yourself. You are lovable and deserve to be loved. Your mother was wrong sweetheart, and transferring her demons on to you, don’t take them, give them back.
Thanks, Raven but no one is interested anyway. I'm a long way from being in a position to reject anyone! She was someone who'd take any man in the end (part of the reason I am NC with her) but 37+ years of it is a lot of work to undo.
Anyway, I'd done an awful lot of work on myself and 'forgiving' her and being confident and comfortable in my own skin but my dating experience taught me that she was right after all.