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Husband flounced because I was pissed off.

(35 Posts)
JustVent Wed 13-Dec-17 21:57:48

The kids had an arguement. It was difficult to sort, I could see both sides and it escalated into bed time. The kids come to me usually, DH tried to help, it did precisely fuck all and that’s for another thread.
DS2 (6) was in bed and got out several tiles crying because he was angry about what happened. There’s screaming, shouting, slamming doors. I had to raise my voice, threat to take things away and negotiate the fall out between the kids before it settled. No doubt Mumsnet will rip apart my parenting, the way I dealt with things - more so because I’ve been very loose on the info I’ve given and will pick up on the fact that I handled it rather than DH.

But for the posters who will see past that, please can you see my AIBU here -
After the youngest ‘settled’ DH came in and said ‘I think he’s asleep’. This is after him being the front room and me dealing with the screaming, shouting, slamming, negotiations and threats.

I was still frowning and wound up from the events and I vented. Something along the lines of the kids being shits and I was pissed off.
He huffed and quite literally flounced the corner to exit the room and yanked the door open to leave in a dramatic way.

I said “are you kidding me?”

He said I was having a go at him. I was incredulous. Asked him how so?
He said it “wasn’t what I said but how I said it”
I said I was fucked off with the kids, am
I not allowed to vent to my husband?

He said “can you warn me then?”

This is where I might be unreasonable but...
‘warn him’?!
As though the screaming and tantruming of his son and me trying to sort it out wasn’t warning enough?!

He flounced anyway. Whatever it is he expects, I’m doing it all wrong.

nuttyknitter Wed 13-Dec-17 22:10:21

I can't see past the way you behaved to children, or the way you spoke about them afterwards. If I was your DH I'd have walked away.

KMoKMo Wed 13-Dec-17 22:13:13

YANBU.

Men can be dicks.

PersianCatLady Wed 13-Dec-17 22:15:16

I don't know how you spoke to your kids, I wasn't there.

I think your DH sounds very dramatic.

Next time, let him sort it all out if he can do a better job.

Remind him to warn you though if he feels the urge to vent afterwards.

MorrisZapp Wed 13-Dec-17 22:19:00

DP thinks he 'vents' to me but what he actually does is snap and swear at me because he's annoyed at a third party.

No, I don't vent to him by shouting and swearing. I don't hide my annoyance when DS is pissing me off but I don't shout at DP.

It's all about perspectives.

RainbowWish Wed 13-Dec-17 22:20:01

My dp does this!
I have come to the conclusion it is his guilty conscience. He knows he done bugger all to help so plays victim before I can make him accountable for not helping in the situation.
But thats is a guess of course.

Justanothernap Wed 13-Dec-17 22:22:09

It's frustrating when you know it falls to you to fix everything. So I don't think you're being U to vent.

It really depends on the nature of the vent i.e. How shouty etc. No one likes to be shouted at. And to what extent husband actually tried to help or expects you to sort it & then be quiet about it.

Don't see anything wrong with the parenting though, kids squabble. Sometimes it's full on & you just do your best.

Popchyk Wed 13-Dec-17 22:26:06

Sounds like he was trying to acknowledge how you'd calmed things with his "I think he's asleep" and he felt you ramped it up again when you immediately responded with your "Kids can be shit" thing. If you'd said "Thank God for that. I've had a hell of a day" then it might have gone in a different direction.

Clearly he didn't want another argument so he went to leave, which you interpreted as flouncing. I generally don't like the avoidance of the escalation of conflict being dismissed as flouncing.

It is stressful for both of you. You were the one who had to sort it, he tried to get involved and got his arse handed to him for his trouble.

Leave it for now. Bring it up tomorrow when you've both had a bit of space and try to look at how you can both navigate it better.

JustVent Wed 13-Dec-17 22:39:04

I like it to have been as a simple as popchyk said.
But nay. It was a bit more full on and he made an actual ‘heal turn, nose up, door swung open and pretence to leave’ action before I said “are you kidding me?!”

chestylarue52 Wed 13-Dec-17 22:41:10

He said I was having a go at him. I was incredulous. Asked him how so?
He said it “wasn’t what I said but how I said it”

----

You asked him why he was upset and he told you. When you were 'venting' were you being angry in his direction as if it was his fault? I can see why he might want to avoid that situation.

You don't sound as if you like or respect him very much.

Zaphodsotherhead Wed 13-Dec-17 22:52:57

I've got a whole FAMILY like this!

If I'm annoyed at, say, my computer, the fridge, the washing machine, the dog, a TV programme I've seen, something I've read, etc etc, and I start to vent, my XH (and now my grown up kids) all start with 'Well, what do you expect ME to do about it? Why are you so angry, it's not MY fault', and so on.

I'm not blaming them at the time, just venting by saying 'stupid computer/fridge,washing machine, dog, programme...' and maybe I do go on a bit, but IT'S NOT AIMED AT THEM! Yet they still start on the moaning about it not being anything to do with them. So I feel that I literally CANNOT vent about anything for fear of the 'oh, here we go' air that starts to permeate. So I internalise all annoyances. As if I'm not allowed to be angry or have feelings. Is that how you feel, OP? That you aren't allowed to be annoyed about the kids? Maybe that's why he does it, so you won't express anger again?

Popchyk Wed 13-Dec-17 22:58:03

I'm not criticising you, OP. It does sound a really stressful thing, but you did your best, and the children settled and are asleep now.

I do agree with MorrisZapp about the venting thing.

To one person it means that they are annoyed about a situation, they are angry and getting all their feelings out. And that's the extent of it, there's no real blame attached.

To the person on the end of the vent it can feel like a personal attack.

And sometimes the vent isn't really about the immediate situation at all (young children squabbling is a very normal thing) but conveys all sorts of pent-up resentments from other things in the relationship.

That's why you have to really make an effort to try to deal with these things when you are not angry. And when your DH doesn't get to leave the room to avoid dealing with it.

So maybe a family meeting tomorrow or at the weekend (children and adults) where you can all spend 10 minutes talking about what happened, and what you can all try to do better next time.

Maybe you'll be able to agree that next time your children argue and it gets out of hand, your DH deals with all of it and you don't get involved at all.

And then the time after that, you both deal with it together.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Wed 13-Dec-17 23:26:20

Popchyk you can't be serious?!

OP has been dealing with a massive barney with the kids. Husband comes in and she says something like 'those fucking kids!'

And he takes personal offence about it because he's a) too stupid to realise that she's sounding off about the clearly annoying aforementioned barney; or b) because he knows that he's in the wrong leaving it all to her so is trying to deflect attention away from this and onto her?

I say b. And I'm not sure how you deal with it when no angry as he was the one who flounced off.

OP, I've lost my temper with the kids before. I've also vented before. DH isn't daft enough to think I actually want a response when I'm upset and am sounding off. Other 'venting' situations he does - e.g. when I come home from work and something has annoyed me, he'll start to solution what I'm talking about. So I tell him I'm venting and I just need to get it all out.

Only the most childish of people can't seem to see past the end of their nose that someone is having a go about the situation and not at them. By all means, if he'd said afterwards he felt a bit attacked at OP's outburst then fine, but he didn't, he chose to do it right then and there. Which yes, is basically like Zaphod says - telling OP that she's not allowed to be annoyed because other people might take offence.

Thymeout Thu 14-Dec-17 00:49:02

Sorry - I can see why he felt you were having a go at him. Your vent was in response to his remark which was intended to be reassuring. If you'd acknowledged this before sounding off, he wouldn't have thought you were sounding off at him. It's as if he patted your shoulder, there there, and you brushed his arm away in a strop.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 14-Dec-17 01:00:22

and maybe I do go on a bit, but IT'S NOT AIMED AT THEM!

That sounds unpleasant, to be honest, and for people who are programmed to try and offer solutions rather than listen, I'd imagine it'd be quite frustrating.

Is there a better way to deal with this stuff then ranting about it for an extended period? I mean, if it feels like it helps, carry on. But I think for me, that'd just drag out my annoyance.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 14-Dec-17 01:09:32

We are all entitled to a full on Miss Piggy flounce every now and again. YABU OP.

ReliefOfChaos Thu 14-Dec-17 02:54:03

Regrettably I have to say not being exposed to my ex-wife's 'venting' is the single best thing about being divorced. She had to deal with some really shit things, no doubt, but by God did she take it out on me. And like Zaphod and Princess Diana say, she claimed that she was not 'allowed' to get annoyed, like she was entitled to shout, snap and swear at me if she was annoyed at something else. Mine was far more targeted venting at my inadequacies though, and escalated to some vicious name calling and throwing things which doesn't seem to be the case here. In the end she left me for somebody that listened, and I hear him 'listening' to her every now and again at drop offs and pick ups and I could not be more thankful that it's not me.

JustVent Thu 14-Dec-17 07:56:04

Relief sorry but this situation isn’t relatable and your post isn’t helpful.

I wasn’t shouting and swearing at him him, nor throwing things.
What you call venting was abusive.

I was venting.

Quartz2208 Thu 14-Dec-17 08:00:50

The anger you feel though comes across in your posts so it must have come across in your vent

JustVent Thu 14-Dec-17 08:02:06

You’re pointing out the obvious there Quartz. hmm

HoHoHoHo Thu 14-Dec-17 08:39:19

It sounds like you were both pissed off and tired and got a bit stroppy and took it out on each other. Sounds pretty normal to me.

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 14-Dec-17 08:44:31

What, so I'm not allowed to shout 'bloody thing!' when the hoover once more refuses to pick up so much as a strand of fluff - in case someone else feels the need to 'solve my problem' and may feel personally attacked? Really?

TheVanguardSix Thu 14-Dec-17 08:50:40

It just sounds like you had one of those (hopefully) rare awful days where the kids are just doing both your and DH's heads in. But because you primarily dealt with it, you boiled over. DH had a bit of distance from the intensity it all. You carried the brunt of the stress, so of course you were kind of venty and snappy. He shouldn't have been such a child about it but hey, you both had a pretty dreadful day/evening. And I feel for your DH. He'd just had it as much as you had.

Whether or not your DH had a Miss Piggy flounce (sorry grin I did love that description) is not what stood out for me. It's the kids' anger. The shouting. The door slamming.
Believe me, I've collected my own shitty days as a parent. But your kids are really young from what I understood, too young to be turning your house into a shitstorm for hours on end. Whatever made this stressful situation draw itself out until bedtime, needs examining. Why your 6 your old was so angry he/she couldn't settle, needs fixing. Shouting it out until bedtime is just shitty for everyone.
I'd work on making home a peaceful haven, OP.

Quartz2208 Thu 14-Dec-17 09:14:32

Well yes but if I were about to have that I would leave the room too you are clearly still angry now based on your response to me

ReliefOfChaos Thu 14-Dec-17 10:02:05

flounces

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