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I'm trying so hard not to ruin things!

(21 Posts)
Choccywoccydoo10 Wed 13-Dec-17 21:03:53

So me and this guy at work have known each other for 4 months. We went out on our works meal and drinks and admitted we liked each other, kissed, ended up back at his. We had our first proper date that night and spent most of the weekend together. I've been so happy and I think he feels the same but now my anxiety and past are haunting Me!

All my past relationships have ended badly. My last I ended up in a refuge and he was emotionally/mentally abused. Alot of my past boyfriend's have cheated on me. I have low self esteem and can come across as needy sometimes. I'm trying so hard to keep myself in check. Not to be needy and stop these voices in my head saying he's going to hurt me. Or stop these doubts that he will find something wrong with me. I so want this time to be different to the others. I want this to finally be the guy for me, I'm tired of chasing frogs.

How can I stop these thoughts and relax and get to know him? I feel a wreck inside.

Choccywoccydoo10 Wed 13-Dec-17 21:07:06

Sorry had our first proper date the next night*

Liara Wed 13-Dec-17 21:07:28

Is there any possibility of getting some counselling, just for you?

It can be very helpful in these circumstances, even though in general I'm not the biggest fan.

Choccywoccydoo10 Wed 13-Dec-17 21:10:26

I've had counselling for my abusive ex, my relationship with my parents. But never my self esteem or confidence

Liara Wed 13-Dec-17 21:25:23

I just feel like having a counsellor to help you through all the things a new relationship is likely to throw up in the early phases might be a really worthwhile investment in the long term.

Liara Wed 13-Dec-17 21:25:46

I just feel like having a counsellor to help you through all the things a new relationship is likely to throw up in the early phases might be a really worthwhile investment in the long term.

Liara Wed 13-Dec-17 21:26:11

Sorry about the double post!

Choccywoccydoo10 Wed 13-Dec-17 21:45:26

Yea maybe it's a good idea. As it has resurfaced old doubts and bad feelings. He has sensed I'm backing away. I just want to enjoy this time

Choccywoccydoo10 Thu 14-Dec-17 06:54:00

Bump anyone got any advice?

Choccywoccydoo10 Thu 14-Dec-17 07:47:01

sad anyone

ShatnersWig Thu 14-Dec-17 08:14:51

You've had advice. More counselling! I really don't think anyone can sensibly suggest anything else, I'm afraid.

Choccywoccydoo10 Thu 14-Dec-17 08:53:02

Advice from one person. Don't know why I bothered asking in the first place!

ShatnersWig Thu 14-Dec-17 08:58:35

OK, what advice do you want to hear other than counselling?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 14-Dec-17 09:35:15

Agree - counselling will help you with all of this.
Did you have support from Womens Aid after the end of your abusive relationship?
Did you do the Freedom Programme?
Have you looked into mindfulness?
It could be a great thing for you.
Do you do any exercise to help kick in your endorphin's?
Yoga is a good form of exercise if you are anxious.
Look on Amazon for some self help books as well.

LemonShark Thu 14-Dec-17 09:47:49

I think you're putting way too much pressure on this guy being 'the one' because, understandably, you want to find the right person, settle down and not be hurt anymore.

But that's only gonna put you at more risk, putting all your eggs in one basket so to speak. Statistically, the vast majority of relationships fail. You've only known this guy a few months and it's been a few days since you started something romantic. At this stage it could go either way. But if you let yourself get carried away, it's gonna hurt a lot more if it turns out he's not interested, you're not compatible or whatever.

It's crucial not to tie your self esteem up on whether or not he likes or wants to be with you. Even if it doesn't work out you're still a person worthy of love and care and respect.

I understand the fear at the beginning of something new, I'm the same after having my heart broken a few times and dealing with a lot of loss in my life. It takes months for me to start truly enjoying it and relaxing instead of constantly worrying and monitoring for it going wrong. All you can do is remind yourself to chill out, not expect anything so soon, and remember this stage is for you to assess if he's right for you as well as the other way around!

Keep your feet on the ground, don't give more than you're getting. Take it as 'if I have some fun times with this guy that's great, anything else is a bonus' as if you're going into this with 'omg is this gonna work out, is he the one? Will he hurt me! Does he like me? I can't stop thinking about him!' He'll smell it a mile off and run the other way, it's deeply unattractive and sorry to be harsh, but tends to suggest the other person isn't quite in the right place to date or emotionally stable/sorted enough.

People want to date people who are self assured and confident and not desperate. Most people like a challenge. I don't mean playing games, but don't be at his beck and call from day one, the early stages of dating should be both of you sussing each other out cautiously while getting to know one another.

I feel like you're asking how to let your guard down but it's up for a reason. It's there to protect you. It's sensible. If six months in when you're exclusively dating and in a serious relationship you still feel this way then that's a problem. But right now you barely know him and he barely knows you. You're right to be cautious! Don't go trying to force your guard down for someone who hasn't earned it yet.

Choccywoccydoo10 Fri 15-Dec-17 07:31:06

Thank you hellsbells and lemon that was really useful advice

ByronsMummy Fri 15-Dec-17 07:58:42

Hi
I agree with LemonShark. Am currently in the same position where I'm overthinking the relationship with a new guy. I'm the sort of person that wears their heart on their sleeve so it makes me vulnerable. To balance that out I try and act cool but I'm sure my neediness shows through. No advice really, sorry. x

larrygrylls Fri 15-Dec-17 08:06:25

Ummm,

Work colleague, sleeping together on first date, spending whole weekend together......where to start?!

Ideally, don’t mix relationships and work (although easier said than done). If you get hurt easily, get to know someone (outside work) before sleeping together.

Have boundaries and don’t overinvest emotionally until you know someone properly.

If he goes cold on you, what will work be like?

BarbarianMum Fri 15-Dec-17 08:23:13

I agree with all of the above <helpful>.

Don't put pressure on this relationship to be "the one".

More work on yourself to improve your self esteem. This may not help you relax in the early stages of a relationship but I'm not sure that you should be relaxing at this point anyway. If anything, you need to have and maintain good boundaries because your neediness and desire to find "the one" makes you highly vulnerable to abusive and /or damaged men.

Knittedbreasts Fri 15-Dec-17 15:25:31

Hi, you know those things you do to ruin relationships? Sit down and write them out, when it happens, how you feel etc. Look for patterns of destructive behaviour. Much of it will come in cycles so look for clues for when you get into these. This is what a counsellor will look at, along with how and why these feelings and patterns occur. Good luck

Knittedbreasts Fri 15-Dec-17 15:26:50

By the way I use the term ruin rather loosely, it isn't personal or your fault at all. X

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