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NC with mother

(24 Posts)
Overthehillsandfaraway8 Wed 13-Dec-17 19:36:31

I don't know what to do. I have an elderly mother who I have never got on with. I went through a period of 3 years when I didn't speak to her many years ago (I just stopped phoning her, she didn't phone me). Since then she put the phone down on me during an incredibly stressful time for me when I was barely coping six months ago. Two years ago she did the same thing and we didn't speak for six months. i am just so tired of her spitefulness, her lack of interest in my children, her favouritism towards my sister . She gives my sister money on an ongoing basis, is interested in her children, and visits her regularly. She hasn't visited me for three years. She promises my children things and then backs out , leaving then disappointed. She just hurts me and lets me down at every turn. On the other hand she isn't a bad person, just totally lacking in self awareness, quite selfish and very stuck in her ways.
She wrote to me recently and I replied, but I can't bring myself to talk to her on the phone again, I am just sick of her treating me as she does. She never apologises, and makes me miserable. On the other hand, I miss hearing from her and feel she has limited time on this earth. I want desperately to have a proper mother daughter relationship, but I know realistically that will never happen. There are so many things i feel bitter about which i cannot talk about with her, and I am sure she feels the same.
Has anyone been in this situation? I just don't know what to do.

PasstheStarmix Wed 13-Dec-17 19:49:08

I could have written your post. I've learnt that the best way for me and my mother to stay in contact is for us to have a distant relationship at best. It's either the latter or it would be no contact as dm drives me insane. She will visit my sibling all of the time yet when it comes to me it's my fault she hasn't visited. She will say things like give my ds a big kiss from me despite not seeing him for over half his life! She will on occasion ask how he is yet make no arrangements to see him and it seems at the moment she's just after pictures so she can appear the doting grandmother to others. It's all about keeping up appearances and what everybody else thinks. She has no awareness of her behaviour and odd ways she goes on. I also have come to realise she doesn't feel as she's supposed to, nothing is heartfelt. She only gets upset when her image is threatened and others judge her because of it.
All my life I've tried to be the daughter she wanted and have felt like nothing I did was good enough. You cannot please the woman's impossible standards; nobody can. As I've got older and had my own dc I've come to just accept that I'll never have the kind of mother daughter relationship a lot of my friends do with their mothers. It helps me to know I'll not be that kind of mother with my dc and hopefully I'll go on to have the relationship I never had with my dm with them. flowers

Joysmum Wed 13-Dec-17 19:51:13

I got to this stage 2 weeks ago when I finally spoke up and called my mother out on her behaviour.

Any decent mother would apologise for letting you down and even the crap ones would at least try to make up an excuse, but not my mother as even I didn’t predict what she said! My mother’s immediate response was ‘How do you think I feel?’ when I asked her where she had been for the previous 2 months when she knew I was struggling and hadn’t once called me to find out how I was doing and ignored my requests to call me.

My daughter was done a while back as she was continually cancelling on her and my daughter had the balls to know she deserved better. My mother knew my daughter was hurt by her behaviour and was only going to mirror her effort from then on but couldn’t be arsed to be a decent nan to her only grandchild.

I knew that being direct to her about her behaviour would mean I’d lose her. She stood up and walked out saying ‘I can’t listen to this’ and I’ve not heard from her since and don’t expect to. I’m sad she can’t be what I want and need her to be but not sad she’s opting out of my life as even if she did apologise then she’d only ever be an acquaintance in future as I can’t trust her with my feelings any more. 😔

Tinselistacky Wed 13-Dec-17 19:56:33

Do you drive a ferrari op? Bet you would love one!!
Having a shit dm is like driving a clapped out banger, all stops and starts, never quite up to speed on things, leaves you feeling disappointed, if only you had a ferrari your life would be great.
Accept you will never have a ferrari and just go nc, your stress levels will plummet, and the guilt YOU carry about how SHE treats the dc, will go also.
Been nc with mine for years and years. Yes it would be lovely for the dc to have a ferrari dgm but it isn't gonna happen.

Overthehillsandfaraway8 Wed 13-Dec-17 20:01:36

Both of these replies resonate with me so much. The thing about keeping up appearances is so true. My mother likes to collect information to pass on to other members of the family - she gives the impression she is really in the know and has a relationship with everyone, but she doesn't. She will tell me at great length what some relative she never sees and I don't know is up to, and I know she likes to give the impression she is a doting grandmother and mother, but it's all an act. I actually don't think she knows how to have proper relationships with people. She does get on well with my sister, but she's giving her money all the time, so it's in my sister's interests to keep her sweet.
I can honestly remember no occasions when she was loving, supportive or understanding. Even my wedding. The trouble is, she still makes me feel everything is my fault. I just don't know whether it is my fault. She has this way of making me feel there is something intrinsically wrong with me. I am not sure she is narcissistic, but there are some warning bells there.

Overthehillsandfaraway8 Wed 13-Dec-17 20:07:22

sorry all of the replies resonate.

Yogagirl123 Wed 13-Dec-17 20:19:58

I am NC with my mum and have been for many years.

The best decision I ever made if I am honest. My only regret is not making the decision earlier.

You really don’t need to put up with being treated badly, you certainly wouldn’t put up with it from a friend and from your mum it feels even worse.

Once I became a mum myself I realised how unacceptable her behaviour was, I would never dream of treating my children like that under any circumstances.

Movablefeast Wed 13-Dec-17 21:09:25

OP it is not your fault and there is nothing intrinsically wrong with you.

Your mother's inability to have a relationship with you has resulted in you feeling that way since you were small because you know it is not normal.

Are you able to have a romantic relationship and meaningful friendships?

Is your mother? Does she have friends? Is she married? What is the state of her marriage?

Overthehillsandfaraway8 Wed 13-Dec-17 21:21:38

Moveable - she has what she calls 'friends' in her religion. They are not people she would confide in I don't think, and it isn't my idea of friendship, but she confines herself to interactions with people who believe what she does. My father died some years ago and it wasn't a very happy marriage. He put her on a pedestal and she enjoyed being worshipped, but at the same time he was also a difficult and quite abusive man, if that makes sense. She becomes very critical of people if they do things differently to her or threaten her sense of herself. Recently she has alienated an aunt and my brother avoids her. She has got worse since my father died, but she would play act the loving grandmother whilst he was around, then the mask would slip when he left the room.
She has some long standing resentments towards me which she has never forgiven me for, but even before that she was not a loving mother. She has very old fashioned ideas about what I should be like, and sounds like her mother a lot of the time. I think our personalities are just too different really. I am not a game player and I say what I think. She puts on a performance. I think that's the way she was brought up. Women defer to men, look pretty and are always cheerful and positive no matter what.
I have been married a long time, but she often seems to want my husband's attention whilst she ignores me when in our company. She seems to have a lot of strange ideas about what I think and believe which are not true. Also, she has NEVER given me a present I have liked. She always gives me things she thinks I should like.

uglyflowers Wed 13-Dec-17 23:00:03

I'm NC with my mother. It is such a relief as she was a cruel bitch. You might think 'Now I'm sad as I have no mother' but the truth is that you don't have one anyway 😢 At least this way you are protecting yourself from further hurt. I am sorry for your pain as I know how you feel.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 13-Dec-17 23:13:56

I just don't know what to do. Stay no contact, that's what to do. No good can come of contact.

You have started to try and convince yourself that it is fixable if only you can find a way to be that makes her be nice. she isn't a bad person, just totally lacking in self awareness, quite selfish and very stuck in her ways. That is the description of a bad person! You know she is a bad person. There is abundant evidence she is a bad person.

If you find yourself having she is not a bad person type thoughts please recognise that's door to contact and pain starting to swing open. Shut it again firmly. It isn't you, she isn't a nice person who happens to mistreat you because you deserve it, it is her, she is an bad person.

Joysmum Thu 14-Dec-17 00:42:36

IT like I’m not on contact with my mother, it’s taken a long time coming with periods of no contact and periods where I’ve tried harder.

Perhaps it would help you not to think of this as a permanent no contact. You can be no contact now as that’s what suits you best but it doesn’t have to be forever if it’s not suiting you in future for whatever reason.

Movablefeast Thu 14-Dec-17 03:12:48

Put your needs and your mental health and peace of mind first.

Overthehillsandfaraway8 Thu 14-Dec-17 16:19:14

Thanks for the comments, everyone . i have found them helpful. I think I am very aware of her age and the fact she could die any time, leaving me with no way back. On the other hand, I get so little from her what does it matter?

Bunglecunt Thu 14-Dec-17 22:04:50

I totally get it sadly! I have posted lots on here under various different usernames about my horrible relationship with my mum. There are so many similarities with my mum and what most people on here are saying, especially the keeping up appearances thing. We have now been NC for 3 years and mostly life is so much easier but I find this time of year hard. Hugs to everyone who needs it thanks

Mumfun Thu 14-Dec-17 23:10:27

My mother used to always want my H attention. She used to give bad presents. She used to say things about me that werent right so she could get attention . Several other points you make are also true of my mothyer

I am sure my mother is a narcissist.

I have had 4 years no of no contact. I dont miss the lack of love, the poisonousness , and saying horrible things about so many people. I feel so much better in my life

Joysmum Fri 15-Dec-17 04:37:16

I get so little from her what does it matter?

In my experience you’ll mourn, but you’ll be mourning what you wish you could have had, rather than what you’ve lost because as you’ve said, you get so little from her in reality.

daisychain01 Fri 15-Dec-17 04:54:44

OP sadly. Your mum sounds like she lacks emotional intelligence and literally things only matter when they relate to her, her feelings and her life. Anything off her personal radar aren't important.

It's very painful to realise that the person you'd love to have a warm loving relationship with, doesn't want the same thing.

Minimal or NC will protect your emotional health, nd liberate you from the gnawing disappointment. Unrequited love is best kicked to the curb, so you can channel your feelings where they are reciprocated.

Don't think in terms of duty, or the person's remaining time on Earth, because you are currently creating memories that are negative and painful the longer your needs are not met, rather than having at least a few fragments of happiness you may have gained in the dim and distant past.

mogulfield Fri 15-Dec-17 04:57:50

Op as so many others have said you need to go NC. She will not change.

I also have a terrible mother, went NC and was sad for a while (went through a bereavement of sorts I reckon). As others have said I mourned the loss more of the mother I never had than her.
Now I’m out the other side I am SO much happier.

I don’t miss my Mum as she was barely a mum to me anyway, I think of her as a spiteful lady I once knew and refer to her by her name, and not as Mum when I think of her.

Now I am a mum I wouldn’t DREAM of treating my little boy sleeping next door the way I was treated.

Overthehillsandfaraway8 Fri 15-Dec-17 18:39:16

Its just so sad isn't it? To have a child who grows in you for nine months and then just not be able to relate to them. i think i need to accept that nothing will ever change.

PasstheStarmix Fri 15-Dec-17 21:00:39

It does very sad and unnatural. Now that I've had my own baby it makes me think dm is an extremely odd woman indeed. I could never treat my child the way she's treated me no matter how old he gets.

PasstheStarmix Fri 15-Dec-17 21:01:01

It's *

CitrusSun Fri 15-Dec-17 21:07:54

Am NC with my narcissist of a mother, have had to accept she can never be the mother I deserve/want/long for, she isn’t capable, it’s a painful lesson to learn and seems there’s many of us in the same sad boat, it’s taken me many long and confusing years of my life to accept that this relationship I fantasise about for a daughter to have with her mother will never be my reality and for self-preservation have had to cut off all contact as she’s a toxic person. This time of year makes this stuff worse.

leftwiththedognow Fri 15-Dec-17 21:13:05

She will tell me at great length what some relative she never sees and I don't know is up to, and I know she likes to give the impression she is a doting grandmother and mother, but it's all an act. I actually don't think she knows how to have proper relationships with people.

If my sister saw this she would think I had written it. My mum interrupted a family whatsapp chat where my son and his wife had posted their FDB scan pics to tell everyone "by the way - so and so has cancer". I went ballistic as its not the first time she has done things like this to all us sisters. But with MY KID? No fucking way. Went NC last friday - had a couple of days feeling bad, then my sister told me she had too.
She has never visited my son in the 5 years since he bought his home about 5 mins down the road. She whatsapped the family group again today if she could 'pop in' tomorrow. He said hes away.

Some mums are shit. Just because she has had you doesn't make her worthy of your time if she behaves like this. You owe her fuck all.

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