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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Signed up to what....

124 replies

UpandOver14 · 13/12/2017 19:35

Married H 4 years ago, my first, his second & I get that he has to provide for his DCs but I question to what extent and he just doesn't see it. I work full time - always have, always will. we just about get by every month, don't go out, don't have the spare cash too etc. would be nice every once and while to simply go out for a drink or a meal to blow away the cobwebs. I feel like life's rushing by at speed and I am missing out.
He supports his ex and rightly so too but pays in excess of 1100 maintenance every month. His ex is out once or twice every weekend, always getting work down on their house (H still on mortgage), has holidays abroad every year and work very part time hours. H just doesn't see it. Christmas is coming, I'd love to provide for by DS but can't afford too. This isn't what I signed up for, what do I do

OP posts:

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keeponworking · 13/12/2017 19:38

You got with someone with children who has to pay maintenance for those children. It is what you signed up for.

Which and whose DS do you 'wish you could provide for', sorry, I didn't understand if it's your DS or one of his ......

UpandOver14 · 13/12/2017 20:01

Did I not say that paying maintenance is the right thing to do?? I didn't sign up to provide for his ex and her very lavish life style too.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 13/12/2017 20:04

Your DH is doing the right thing.

Tinselistacky · 13/12/2017 20:05

Maybe you need to actually spell it out to him.

WatchingFromTheWings · 13/12/2017 20:14

I doubt she lives that life style just on what maintenance he pays. I'm guessing she has an income of her own and/or a partner who supports her?

WatchingFromTheWings · 13/12/2017 20:15

....just saw the bit about her working part time...

Whatififall · 13/12/2017 20:18

Is your problem that you think he pays her too much? How do they work out their maintenance? Is it a private arrangement or through CMS?
If you both feel like he's paying too much then he can check the CMS calculator to see what it should be and suggest a lower rate to exw. If it's correct based on his income then you'll just have to live with it.

If the maintenance is correct amount then it's irrelevant what his ex wife does with her spare time or money.

Mousewatch · 13/12/2017 20:21

Is your DH your DS's dad?

yetmorecrap · 13/12/2017 20:26

Presumably he was divorced/ separated when you met and was paying the same. Was this not discussed before you got married?

Pinkitis · 13/12/2017 20:42

Why is he on the mortgage if they are divorced? What’s the arrangement there? Is the £1100 for the mortgage too?

letitsnowsnowsnow · 13/12/2017 20:46

when they calculate maintenance payments its on his household income....that includes your salary. I broke up with someone when I realised this. I earned more than him and his ex put together and my salary would be included in his maintenance payments......so if we'd ever had children, they would miss out while my money supported his ex. totally sucks.

stickytoffeevodka · 13/12/2017 20:52

He must be earning a fair whack to be paying her £1100 in maintenance.

But I'm afraid this is exactly what you signed up for. His maintenance payments/arrangements shouldn't change just because you're married now.

Louiseandhercubs · 13/12/2017 20:53

I to some extent can understand why your a bit miffed.

TBH £1100 a month does sound like a lot and I can imagine that's a huge strain on the income you have coming in (I ofcourse don't know your position but I imagine as that's almost a full time wage)

HipNewName · 13/12/2017 21:02

Were you an affair he had?

That would explain a lot. It would explain why you are surprised about finances, why he does more than seems reasonable (guilt), why he is on the mortgage, why his ex still just works part time.

Changedname3456 · 13/12/2017 21:14

A partner’s income is not used to work out maintenance in the UK.

1,100 sounds way over the top. Your partner would need to be on over 100k to be paying that on the normal formula. It sounds very unbalanced if she’s ligging it up twice a week plus multiple holidays and only working part time whilst you two scrimp on what’s left of TWO full time salaries.

If he’s not currently paying via CMS he can ask them to provide the right figure for him or, as PP have said, they provide an online calc which gives a reasonable idea.

Changedname3456 · 13/12/2017 21:14

A partner’s income is not used to work out maintenance in the UK.

1,100 sounds way over the top. Your partner would need to be on over 100k to be paying that on the normal formula. It sounds very unbalanced if she’s ligging it up twice a week plus multiple holidays and only working part time whilst you two scrimp on what’s left of TWO full time salaries.

If he’s not currently paying via CMS he can ask them to provide the right figure for him or, as PP have said, they provide an online calc which gives a reasonable idea.

stickytoffeevodka · 13/12/2017 21:19

when they calculate maintenance payments its on his household income

This isn't true anymore. It certainly USED to be the case, but not these days. My ex had children, and we lived together - the CSA weren't remotely interested in what I earned.

xmasstress · 13/12/2017 21:27

But this is what happens when you marry a man who's already had kids... its his job to provide for his kids just not just the mother.

Ellisandra · 13/12/2017 21:33

£1100 is a lot of money. But are you including the mortgage payment and is their arrangement that gets bought out of the house when the children are 18? If something like that, then part of the £1100 is more like an investment.

Anyway what's more important is how much he has left after paying mortgage (?) and maintenance, and why you can't afford to go out sometimes when their are two full time working adults in your household.

Is he paying his way within your relationship?

Ellisandra · 13/12/2017 21:35

What do you mean by it not being what you signed up for?
Has it changed since you got married? If so, why?

Hermonie2016 · 13/12/2017 23:53

Don't resent what he pays its a sign of a decent man.
Resentments is noy healthy so try to move on and think of practical steps to budget for some downtine.
How old are his children?

user9217 · 14/12/2017 12:02

It must be his earnings. My ExH pays maintenance to me and some of the mortgage and related bills and it's still only £570 I know that is a lot and it's enough I mean compared to the huge £1100 yours pays

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LesisMiserable · 14/12/2017 12:51

He sounds like a stand up guy.

gamerchick · 14/12/2017 13:02

Why is he paying so much. There must be some decent money coming into the house. Does he pay his way in your household as well?

MyStomachHurts · 14/12/2017 16:50

Were you an affair he had

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