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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Infidelity, forgiveness & moving forward

81 replies

RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 14:28

About 15 months ago I was unfaithful. I deeply regretted this, told DH and apologised. I had felt emotionally neglected which I know is no excuse- but sought comfort elsewhere and things went too far. It only happened once, I realised it was a path to disaster and ended contact with OM.

Naturally DH was devastated when I told him but said he loved me, wanted to save the relationship & would forgive me- and that he respected my honesty in telling him, and we would work things out.

For a few months our relationship seemed to get stronger. We communicated more & both agreed to be totally honest in future about our feelings. I suggested counselling but he said he was fine, he didn't need it. However I went ahead with counselling alone to try to work through the issues I had which contributed to the infidelity, and this work is ongoing with weekly sessions.

However, if troubles me that DH continues to mention the infidelity whenever we have any disagreement/ argument - even though he promised not to. I can understand his hurt, but feel upset he keeps bringing it up while we are trying to move forward and repair the relationship- it's as if every time I do anything which he disagrees with - he will mention it and call me derogatory names in 'punishment'.

He will also betas me for going to therapy saying it's not doing any good and making light of the fact I have MH issues.

Is he BU to do this?

I know I was in the wrong but I chose to tell him in the hope of making the relationship better / having a fresh start.

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HipNewName · 13/12/2017 14:54

I see both sides, and it’s why my advice wouldn’t be to tell a spouse. It’s such a massive betrayal that it is very hard to truly move forward.

You have the option to end your marriage. There were the problems you had before your affair, and there is the way he speaks to you now. You can’t change him. How many years do you want to spend like this?

RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 14:59

But wouldn't it be even more of a betrayal not to tell someone and live with that guilt..?

He says he loves me but he doesn't act like he loves me.

Because of my current issues I really need help and support from a partner- maybe I am BU to expect that in the circumstances?

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RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 15:01

Also if I talk about ending the marriage he gets really angry and shouty & calls me names.

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PNGirl · 13/12/2017 15:03

He might "forgive" but he will never, ever forget. He may think he is able to move forward but it's not unreasonable for him to eventually realise he is unable to move past it. Commend him for trying tbh.

RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 15:06

Do you think relationships can be saved in these circumstances PNGirl?

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HipNewName · 13/12/2017 15:06

You don’t need his permission to divorce him. Don’t discuss it with him. Decide what YOU want.

RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 15:09

I thought both parties needed to agree? He could divorce me for adultery but he doesn't want to!

Can I divorce him because I committed the adultery or is it only grounds if the wounded party petitions on grounds of adultery?

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PNGirl · 13/12/2017 15:10

It depends what you mean by saved. It will never be the same if that's what you mean. That's not to say you can't stay together but it's likely to keep coming up.

HipNewName · 13/12/2017 15:12

See a solicitor. You need legal advice.

noodleaddict · 13/12/2017 15:27

Do you want to save your marriage though? That's the important question.

RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 15:30

Noodle I think so but due to my ongoing MH problems I'm not thinking very clearly. I don't want to jump the gun and make any long term decisions while I'm not thinking clearly.

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RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 15:33

He just wants me to keep apologising again and again which feels a bit sadistic. :(

When h do apologise he will then provoke me with a derogatory remark about my 'shagging' which makes me react badly- should I just suck it up and let him call me all the names under the sun or not?

This is what I'm confused about - whether I "deserve" it because of what I did.

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hellsbellsmelons · 13/12/2017 15:43

No - he is verbally abusing you.
I can understand his hurt.
I've been there.
And the main reason I ended my marriage was because I know I could never forget and never fully forgive.
I knew I'd throw it back in his face and that wasn't going to be fair on me or him.
What you did is the worst betrayal possible.
It's hard to deal with and hard to come to terms with.
But he won't seek counselling and just seems to punish you all the time.
That's not OK.
Name calling is NOT OK.
You most certainly do NOT need HIS permission to file for divorce.
In these circumstances, I would divorce.
I would imagine there is more to his abuse than you have stated here.
I also imagine that your MH issues might get a bit better with your 'D'H out of your life.
I am totally making assumptions here based on what you have said so far so I could be wrong!

HipNewName · 13/12/2017 15:50

I wonder if your mental health problems would be better without his insults and put downs.

You did really, really mess up. None the less, the way he is treating you isn’t OK. H

yetmorecrap · 13/12/2017 15:53

Do you actually ever bring up apologies yourself OP , because I know one of the reasons I occasionally bring it up (and not name calling) is because my OH never ever mentions it and I know would be happy for it to never ever be mentioned again, I can see his agitation if it is !!’

RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 15:59

Yetmore - no: he is the one who asks me to apologise. I never would talk about it ever again!

I though he felt the same when he "promised" never to mention it again.

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RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 16:07

Yetmore- do you think I should talk about it, not sure what you were saying, sorry...

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yetmorecrap · 13/12/2017 16:10

whilst he shouldnt have promised that, because its really nigh on impossible to achieve in that situation, as the person who was crapped on , I actually want it to be mentioned voluntarily and hear the occasional 'im so sorry I put you through this' and see it has actually caused them as much pain as it caused me. it isnt sadistic I feel, its human nature when you have been hurt badly. I dont agree with him though calling you names or using the term 'shagging' etc. Im sure you dont want it mentioned-but life isnt always as kind as that Im afraid--and by the way, Ive been on both ends of the spectrum, 1st marriage I was the one at fault and it ended my marriage (my choice) because he reacted exactly the same as your DH and after 18 months I realised it wasnt something he was going to ever get over and neither of us felt the same.

PNGirl · 13/12/2017 16:13

Yes - normally on here it's the woman posting whose male partner has cheated and he wants it Never To Be Spoken Of Again. So, we all tell her it's tough shit on him and she is allowed to go over and over it again if it helps her heal.

Animation86 · 13/12/2017 16:18

Argh so many feels here

15 months is NOTHING, honestly. I'm 13 months out of finding out about my husbands affair and its still raw. It takes years.

However - and heres the difference - we've had/have individual counselling, DH attends therapy and CBT still, weve had marriage counselling... so I imagine my ability to deal with my emotions at this far down the line is probably stronger than your DH's.

And that's the thing. If he wants the relationship he NEEDS the therapy. i can't stress that enough.

It sounds like he keeps asking for an apology but when it happens it never feels enough, and then he throws it in your face. Don't react negatively to that. Don't. Own it and reassure.

You guys cant do this on your own. He cannot mend himself alone, he needs professional help.

But, you do mention the possibility of divorce, and if you can actually imagine doing this then maybe its now to call time on the relationship.

RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 16:18

Ok thanks for clarifying. I thought it would antagonise him even more to voluntarily bring it up - bug if it would be helpful then j owe it to him to do that as part of my efforts to make amends.

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Animation86 · 13/12/2017 16:21

So, we all tell her it's tough shit on him and she is allowed to go over and over it again if it helps her heal.

And that's fair enough , you know, its about processing.

This thread has opened my eyes though, because I'm awful for finding reasons to throw the infidelity in DH's face, I will use awful terms... and now I just feel fucking abusive rather than the one who was abused. :(

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RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 16:21

Animation, thanks for posting. I know it's not that long really. I'm just confused as he says he had forgiven me and we agreed never to speak about it again. But pp have said maybe I should.
And he says he doesn't want to divorce me, although my life (and j guess his) seems pretty shit at present the way things are.

I feel I am taking responsibility to sort my shit out with counselling- but I can't force him to find too. I find it all very confusing.

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noodleaddict · 13/12/2017 16:27

I think animation has it - if he truly wants to forgive he will need to see a counsellor, possibly to figure out if it's even possible for him. True forgiveness means not using your betrayal as a weapon, bringing it up in arguments, playing the martyr...it is a really, really difficult thing to do and it might take a LONG time, and I doubt he could do it on his own without speaking to someone.

However there's no point in sending him to therapy or you going together unless you are 100% committed to saving the relationship so that's what you need to figure out. Hopefully your individual counselling is helping with this?

Could you try a trial separation to see if you both might be happier apart?

RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 16:28

Also - when he's going over it . Throwing things at me he will say things like 'was his dick' bigger ... 'was he better in bed' etc.... how the hell am I meant to respond to those types of questions..? I guess honesty might not be the best policy? I don't want to hurt him further. :(

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