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Help me crush a crush

(22 Posts)
UpnAbout Tue 12-Dec-17 22:41:22

I have started to feel something physical for a guy at work. I'm relatively happily married. Have 2 amazing kids under 10. Completely devoted to my family. In mid forties not a flirty type more have a laugh type of woman. Had a terrible year at work. Highly skilled professional with a poor boss who seemed able to charm everyone but I could see was only protecting himself and not moving the project foreard. Not sure if that's relevant. New guy in team, unassuming after few months I realise how knowledgable he is and start to rely on him plus have a laugh. He also sees my boss is charlatan. Feels friendly and professional. Recently find myself super conscious of his presence, physical reaction to him. We are mid forties past prime. I didn't think I could feel like this , haven't for years. I don't want to jeapordise kids family unit or hurt husband. How to extinguish the flames. Sweet seductive flames

Poshindevon Wed 13-Dec-17 07:00:02

I noted you said you have amazing kids. You did not mention your husband you just say your relatively happily married. No mention of the feelings for your husband or your relationship with him.
I certainly dont consider being in your forties as past your prime.
Your post is more about your work and this wonderful new man. As a highly skilled professional can you not see this for what is? You have a poor boss and now a work colleague who sides with you, you can rely on and have a laugh. Has this colleague given you any hints that he fancies you or sees you as a possible affair ? You dont say if he is married or not.
Lots of times I have fancied other men, I think its quite natural to be attracted to other people. Its also flattering to be paid compliments. However you need to put things into perspective.
Your " relativly happy marriage" is something a lot of people would give their eye teeth for just read the unhappy posts on MN.
By acting on your crush you jeopardise your job everything you hold dear. Your job,children marriage etc.
Call me old fashioned but in the words of the song you got to "wash that man right outta your hair"

UpnAbout Wed 13-Dec-17 09:48:22

Thanks Posh. I do need to wash him out my hair, no doubt about it. Relationship with husband, hmmm. We had 3 major issues in our 15 years, none of which are resolved just flare up from time to time with periods of reluctant tolerance. No doubt we still love each other although at times I feel he lacks patience with me is quick to anger and his tone is not acceptable. He is great dad, childcare and housework is as close to 50/50 as could be, which I really appreciate. Work guy is also married with 2 kids , not sure if he sees me as poss affair I certainly don't present myself as available. I do feel as though I am responding to him being interested in me . I've enjoyed our chats and respect his professional ability. He is always available for me , prioritises my requests asks if I'm going to nights out, nothing obvious but I think something might be there at his end. I rarely fancy anyone , think every 10 yrs! I need tactics to ensure this doesn't blow up.

PhoenixRisingSlowly Wed 13-Dec-17 11:00:59

It won't blow up if you don't let it. If you have cast iron boundaries and an understanding of what is appropriate, you're sorted. If, however, on some level you welcome this or want to 'fan the flames' then you're fucked. So make sure you really want to keep your mind in your marriage and devote your energy to that.

Emmageddon Wed 13-Dec-17 11:06:00

You need to rekindle your relationship with your husband.

Imagine what work guy would think if he knew you fancied him and were posting about him. He'd probably be mortified and you'd lose the friendship you have, as he would withdraw from you completely.

He is almost certainly simply being professional and friendly, and not seeing you as a potential affair, particularly as he is also married with children.

Think with your head. Work on your marriage. A work fling is never the answer.

UpnAbout Wed 13-Dec-17 12:31:35

Thanks, you are all correct. Except I don't think he would be mortified that I fancy him I think he'd be flattered and that's the danger. We have different marriage models. He works away from home part of the week, works out of hours with diff clients in duff time zones, very high earner, time consuming hobbies. Wife must do majority childcare as he is not available. My marriage A's said 50 50 when I say I appreciate husband, he's not doing me a favour it should be 50/50 as I work same hours. Appreciate as in I see for some reason some men can't get their heads around this and leave kids and home work to the woman in their life despite her working too. We have the odd separate night out but by and large weekends are family time,husband not interested in spending time away from us. Work man even referred to "babysitting" one weekend I did put him straight you can't baby sit your own kids! Clearly I have the right husband for me. Also he was babysitting as wife was at hospital visiting ill family member

I think this is flattery on steroids. He's felt flattered I recognised his skill set,I've felt flattered he wants to spend time with me. Prob is part of me does like feeling physically attracted to someone as it's so rare. Recently he told me about a night out and seemed to hint he'd go which would involve an extra night away from home but I said I'm not going , don't know if he's still going or not.
Think I might bring up wife's ill family member how she must be having difficult time with him away so much. Good to have time at xmas . That kind of talk should help nip this silliness in the bud.

PhoenixRisingSlowly Wed 13-Dec-17 14:07:50

You're spending way too much time thinking about him and what to say to him. he could have his cock out and be waving it in front of your face and it still woudn't give you the green light to have an affair. Rather than thinking up conversations to have with him STOP having conversations with him, work on your marriage and do some inner work to understand why you are so vulnerable to someone being nice or flattering.

Myheartbelongsto Wed 13-Dec-17 14:28:53

He's married. Just pack it in.

HipNewName Wed 13-Dec-17 15:05:12

I think it’s normal to feel attracted to someone every once in awhile. I suspect we will as long as we are breathing! I think it’s great that you can see that as a whole package, he isn’t what you want.

Just keep boundaries in the relationship. Watch all communications— stay professional, don’t do social media with him or text him outside of work hours. If the gang is having a drink after work, drink little to keep your wits about you, and leave on the early side.

For me, thinking about what would happen if I did have an affair and my kids found out keeps me motivated to stay on the straight and narrow.

gingerclementine Wed 13-Dec-17 15:09:11

Dead simple. Make a list of 10 things you'd love to do with your DH and start doing them. Some simple and easy, some romantcis, sexy, ambitious. You need to get the spark back.

meanwhile, start finding fault with the man: glad you'r enot married ot him or you'd be home alone 5 nights a week, not able to have a professional life etc.

Put loads of energy into DH and into your own interests and keep work crush 100% professional.

HipNewName Wed 13-Dec-17 15:24:39

Also, crush man may screw around a bit and not think much of it. Getting involved with him could ruin your life, but have little effect on his.

UpnAbout Wed 13-Dec-17 17:10:23

Thanks Guys, good advice. @ Phoenix the image of him waving his dick in my face may have succeeded in crushing the crush! A read around these pages and yes I can see there is no way I want an affair.
There is nothing sexy about my marriage though, we do have work to do there.

IJoinedJustToPostThis Wed 13-Dec-17 17:16:32

Work on the assumption that everyone else you work with has observed you respecting each others' skill sets and enjoying the chats and are mocking/pitying you for it.

Don't discuss his wife with him - she's none of your business.

OrangesAndLemonsOnly Wed 13-Dec-17 17:37:07

I think in situations like this it helps to picture what happens when things go wrong (and they are sure to go wrong if you pursue this).

Imagine you have had an affair and it blew out of the water, as it will. Your lovely husband has walked out on you, and your children are in pieces. You no longer have any security or stability in your life. You no longer have a loving home and the safe haven of your family.

Picture yourself in this situation and then ask yourself: “Has it been worth it?”

HipNewName Wed 13-Dec-17 17:50:14

May be plan something special with your dh. Last year we booked a room at a hotel after his office Christmas party and it was great fun. It’s a good time of year for that sort of thing.

I do think that having fun with our spouses is a good idea. It’s easy to put it off when we are busy.

OrangesAndLemonsOnly Wed 13-Dec-17 17:58:31

There is nothing sexy about my marriage though, we do have work to do there.

There is, you have just forgotten it or grew complacent. There’s a big danger in taking your partner for granted. Don’t forget he is staying with you because he wants to. Not because of ‘work you have got to do’. His desire to share his life with you is not some kind of bomb-proof constant, it may change, at any moment.

Appreciate him, look at him with a fresh glance. Do with him what you fancy doing. Watch him light up at your words/your touch and savour him loving you back.

My honest opinion, your crush is not worth a fraction of your husband. Yes, he might be sexy and new, but look at his actions. He neglects his loved ones, leaves his wife to struggle on her own with his children and house and everything else while he enjoys living a high life. Frankly, he sounds like a twat.

How do you want to be treated? Like your husband treats you, a partner in everything? Or like his man’s poor wife?

He is so not worth it...

UpnAbout Wed 13-Dec-17 19:05:44

Thanks Oranges and Hip. Husband is a great guy and it's good to get this out in an anonymous forum as friends know husband. We do have the opportunity for some nights out together coming up. Def has been good to take a look at crush from a different angle as he is not good for me nothing good could come. I don't think there really is / was danger of affair and this thread has helped get perspective. I hope no one at worked has read this , it really only has had a physical element v recently for me. Friendship for a while but we are not the closest friends we are both friendlier with others. Will def withdraw a bit and keep professional. Never have texted or shared social media

OrangesAndLemonsOnly Wed 13-Dec-17 21:05:08

The attraction to others while in LTR is normal and dare I say it, common. There is a very fine line or series of very fine lines which can insidiously lead to a full blown affair territory if the potential participants are not on the button as to what is happening. We spend a lot of our time at work and natural attraction can turn into a friendship which could develop into emotional closeness, and once the closeness is there, it’s easy for things to turn physical. Most people have values and do not set out to have affairs. Preventing danger is really a matter of recognising the signs, having true self-awareness and exercising restraint. We restrain ourselves a lot as adults. It is really not a question of not having these feelings (we are all human), but how you handle it. You are in a good place now to stop it before it has a chance to develop and cause all-round misery.

HipNewName Wed 13-Dec-17 21:27:36

I think that when we are with someone we can count on and trust completely, it can be hard to keep the "spark" going for years. After all, there is a really thin grey line between knowing someone will always be there for you, and taking them for granted.

Other ideas for your marriage:

Buy some new things to sleep in and / or new knickers. It doesn't need to be anything crazy. I think tasteful is more attractive on my mature figure than crazy, but there is something about new and feminine that helps with "spark."

Take up a new activity together. DH and I are going to dance lessons. I've wanted to for years, he's finally agreed. I think it will be awesome for us. I think doing fun things as a couple is really the key to staying happy.

Set up regular date nights. Once a week would be great but realistically, once a month every month would be step in the right direction. It's hard with small children.

Accept that you have a sex drive. Women don't reach our sexual peak until we are a little older. Crush man woke it up, but channel it toward the good guy you love.

One last thought to help put you off crush man -- He most likely is attracted to your competence and how interesting you are, not seeing that his job and hobbies make it impossible for his wife to engage in the larger world to the same degree. She facilitates his life, and he just shows up when he feels like it. His choices make her less interesting, and cause her to appear less competent. It's really quite icky.

OrangesAndLemonsOnly Wed 13-Dec-17 21:51:10

Hip, excellent advice. I absolutely believe you have got the power to turn things around, improve your relationship at any point. If you are married/ attached and find yourself in the throws of a crush, best thing is to wait and put your energies in not doing/ saying things you may come to regret. As one day it will blow over/ you will ‘wake up’ from it. You will then be bloody thankful you didn’t do anything stupid!

OrangesAndLemonsOnly Wed 13-Dec-17 21:51:41

*throes not throws!!!

UpnAbout Wed 13-Dec-17 22:20:04

Thank you both, you have definitely helped me to crush the crush. Really has taken the shine off mr shiny new to have this discussion. Hopefully there is a positive outcome, it is time to focus on husband and get sex life back on track. Appreciate your responses

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