How much emotional support should I expect from dp?

[idpreferanegroni]

Our relationship has problems but ticks along, as long as I don't have any stuff going on in my emotional life.
A family situation recently surprised me and triggered all these emotions in me. So I woke up crying about it the next day. And dp just couldn't deal with that. I got it together and went off to see his family for the weekend whilst numbing myself to get through it.

When I feel needy he seems to sense this and then retracts. I generally keep going in the days and do all the work/childcare I need to but would like some support in the evenings. Or someone to say 'you're clearly distressed, maybe don't do xyz' He generally thinks he should be rewarded for listening for 20 minutes here and there. Then I get angry and end up feeling abusive.

He just isn't interested in my vulnerabilities or adapting to the current situation if it strays from what we planned/ how I am normally. I was brought up to not have/show feelings or vulnerabilities and my friends are very similar and dissapear if I need them instead of the other way around. But since having dc I'd like more, I'd like someone to comment on I how seem and say how awful that must be for me, with some feeling in their voice. If I didn't ask for this before - is it unreasonable now? Am I asking too much from a relationship?

[saladdays66]

No, you're not being unreasonable. Emotional support is something that you should expect from your partner - and that you should provide. Interesting that you have chosen friends who can't/won't provide you with emotional support - why do you think that is?

Was your h brought up in the same way as you - unemotional, don't show feelings, and is that why he has trouble dealing with your emotions? Have you sat down and talked to him about how you feel and about what you'd like from him? He's not a mind reader.

[misscph1973]

No, you are definitely not being unreasonable. But like saladdays66 I do wonder why your friends are not supportive either? Have you confronted your friends about this? Or are they not close friends?

Have you got regular issues that you need support with? Do you feel that you support your friends/DH when they need you? How is the dynamics in your relationships generally?

My STBXH has absolutely no interest in anything I need support with but expects my support and help unconditionally. His sister is the same, always moaning about how her "friends" always let her down, and their DM always has to overcompensate for both of them.

[mindutopia]

It depends on how new this relationship is. You didn't say. If it's a relatively new relationship, it might be a bit much and he might still be getting his head around how to support you and being afraid to say or do the wrong thing so not doing/saying much of anything. If you've been together years, your dc are his dc, yes, you should have figured these things out about each other by now and he should be supportive. Not everyone is good at talking and sharing their feelings, but he should at least listen, offer practical help around the house, giving you a day off to re-charge, letting you get some extra sleep, etc. when things are tough.

[ladybug92]

I'm sorry, this sounds so sad. I know what it's like to always be there for DH but he is never there for my emotional needs. If he ever does feign interest, he has nothing to add or say to comfort.
It makes me feel so sad sometimes. Sometimes I try to just be really tough x

[BestZebbie]

Is he scared that if he starts he will have to keep propping you up permanently (eg: all the time, not just during occasional crisis points) and can't be arsed/would see you differently?

Is he irritated that his girlfriend-machine has gone on the blink and isn't performing seamlessly as usual, causing him inconvenience?

Did your situation also trigger something from his past, so he then decided to (invisibly) deal with that/back away from the situation and therefore had nothing left to help you?

[Hermonie2016]

Please don't under estimate the impact of not having support from your dp.

It was one of the warning flags I had that I ignored which got worse.I had a number of challenges and ex failed consistently...but I still continued assuming I must have it wrong.I now feel life was throwing me problems to show me ex was incapable.It took me years and at high emotional cost to finally get it.

Stbxh appeared to handle his emotions well (he didn't and eventually was a ball of anger).
He was incapable of giving me real support, but actually disguised it well for years..it was platitudes generally and definitely time boxed.

Ultimately I realised he was incapable of really loving another person.As long as I didn't need anything from him he was fine.I am now single and actually get more support from friends as they KNOW I am alone..previously they assumed I had this caring partner so stepped back.

Also once I realised I choose a man who couldn't love I started to look at my friendships and checked if I was investing in people who couldn't give to me.It has made me invest time in those who are good friends and spend less times with those who are really just acquaintances.
I now know who my true friends are.

See this as an opportunity to reflect on who is in your life.Don't settle for less than you need or deserve.

My expectation of ex was low and it was only when family showed support to their partners that I finally realised I was being short changed.I genuinely feel more supported now without ex, he offered only an illusion of love.

[misscph1973]

hermione2016, what an insightful post! Why do so many women not realise that they should expect more? It is something cultural, that women give and don't get? It's also taken me years to realise that I would never get anything in return from my STBXDH, it was only when I needed him that I truly found out that he couldn't/wouldn't be there for me.

I do think it's also important to realise that some people have so many issues of their own that they haven't got much to give. That is the case with my STBXDH, he has many health and emotional issues, but it has also become habitual for him, that's just who he is now. It's unfortunate, and it does mean that I am leaving him with a huge chunk of guilt, but I am so unhappy and I do have to put myself first (no one else will!).

Is that the case with your DH, OP, is he not in a position to give? You mention in your opening line that your relationship has problems, what kind of problems are these?

[Isetan]

Of course it’s not unreasonable to expect emotional support from a partner but it’s pretty pointless expecting it from someone who’s never shown and/or has any inclination in providing it. You’ve chosen a partner and friends that conformed to your earlier expectations but now those expectations are changing and it’s not unreasonable to want more but be prepared that your current DP and friends might not be up for the change.

In the beginning with Ex I was somewhat closed off emotionally, I was there emotionally for him but I didn’t need it from him. However, as time went by I soon realised that I did want his emotional support but it was never going to be anywhere near the level I wanted and ultimately, it was just added to the list of things that I no longer was willing to accept in our relationship.

Our needs do change and successful relationships will evolve but don’t sell yourself short by accepting a dynamic that no longer works for you.