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I think DH is building up to leaving me over my dad having a go at him

(135 Posts)
Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon Mon 11-Dec-17 19:22:25

If you're heard of the mental load that's pretty much how our house runs. Dh doesn't really take responsibility for much. He works 56 hours a week and I understand this is tiring but he uses it as an excuse for not doing much else. Apart from a hobby he has taken up this year that takes him out of the house all day on his days off and sometimes overnight too.

Anyway we have just recently moved house and, although dh did so most of the clearing out in the old house (it had to be stripped back carpets lifted etc), he didn't do anything much in the new house.

My dad had to come up and do all the diy/heavy lifting stuff that I couldn't do on my own. And my dad also have dh a loan of a tool and dh mistreated it and broke it.

Being on my own with the dcs and the move and I also had a research paper due and an exam. It took it's toll on me and I ended up unwell and extremely stressed.

My dad was just so angry at dh for leaving me with everything and for not taking care of his stuff. Now... that part I think he was a bit ott my dad is very particular about his things and normally I don't really like to borrow anything from him because if it doesn't come back in perfect condition he cracks up. .

However, the other part I agree with him.. maybe it's none of his business and definitely there could have been more tact involved, but I understand where my dad was coming from. I was a mess and my dad was worried about me. If it wasn't for him I would have had no way to wash our clothes or cook food for the dcs.

So anyway, dh is raging and said I should have backed him up. I said if I thought my dad was out of order I would have but the only thing I think was wrong was the way he went about it. We had a massive row but it fizzled out nothing got resolved but the row died out.

Anyway a week passed and nothing more was said about it then I mentioned Christmas we always go to my mum and dad's. Dh said he's not going he wont go because of my dad.

It was playing on my mind today so I text him and said we shouldn't be spending Christmas apart and that he should go see my dad and sort things out. How would the dcs feel if dh ducked off on Christmas?

He said he's not going to see him and he can't believe I'm not backing him up. I repeated the above about agreeing with him but not how he went about it and that he should be putting his own pride in front of the dcs and their Christmas. Dh said well if that's how I feel he's not spending Christmas with any of us. I assume that also includes the dcs.

I don't know what to do he's not due in from work until after 10pm I think he's going to say if I don't back him about against my dad we are done.

madcatwoman61 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:29:07

Tell him to grow up

BifsWif Mon 11-Dec-17 19:36:18

Honestly? I’d be pissed off if I was your DH too.

He works nearby 60 hours a week and you admit yourself he cleared most of the old house out himself.

If there’s a genuine issue with your dad and DH then leave them to it, but your Dad shouldn’t help out if he’s then going to use it as a stick to beat you/your DH with. Fair enough DH should have replaced the tool.

I’d have backed my DH, sorry.

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon Mon 11-Dec-17 19:38:51

Normally I would have backed him but at this time I just felt like I needed someone... anyone... in my corner. Dh won't listen to me so I hoped he would listen to my dad. But all it's done is make things worse. I think dh has been looking for an excuse to leave and he's going to use this.

mustbemad17 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:40:09

He needs to grow up & stop feeling sorry for himself. Clearly your dad can see how much of a strain is on you & is worried!

I was working 50+ hours a week at one point as a single mum...I still managed to keep my house in order. Not sure why he thinks working 56 hours gives him carte blance to be a prick

Alpanini Mon 11-Dec-17 19:40:46

Hmmm. You said your dad went about things the wrong way -- well, no adult likes to be shouted out and I certainly wouldn't be going to my MILs house for Christmas if (as an example) she backed my DH in an argument about who does what around the house (surely that conversation would be between the two of you, no parental involvement required!) and then yelled at me.
He's not 'ducking off Christmas' -- you could easily have a nice Christmas in your own home, especially if every other year you go to your parents. Your dad might be within his rights to have a go at him about the broken tool -- but that's about it -- and it's not on to 'lose it' at anyone.
A 56 hour week is a lot. It sounds like you do a lot as well -- but there's no sense in making it about who does more... The hobby thing must be annoying -- but it's really not on for your dad to be weighing in on that either. Maybe agree to Christmas at home and then have another discussion about how much is a reasonable time to spend on a hobby because they seem to be very different issues. FWIW My DH works long weeks too and I'd be amazed if he did any carpet lifting at the weekend.

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon Mon 11-Dec-17 19:42:34

I'd also like to point out that my dad is not the only one who has noticed his attitude lately... his own dad and step mum had a conversation with me recently before the house move about his lack of regard for myself and the dcs and so have a few of my friends. When he was cracking up about my dad i told him about what his dad and Steph mum said to basically prove it wasn't just my dad being a dick others had noticed it. Basically to say it's not all of us who are wrong and you who is right. But he didn't care he still thinks he can just do what he wants.

BifsWif Mon 11-Dec-17 19:43:15

Are there other issues going on here? Why would he be looking for something to ‘use’ in order to leave?

Can you not have Christmas at home as a family?

TheNaze73 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:44:53

I think you’re being unreasonable

Cancerisacunt Mon 11-Dec-17 19:47:04

Do you work? He sounds lik e he’s very stressed with the mental load of being the sole provider for the family

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon Mon 11-Dec-17 19:47:49

Christmas not spent at my parents is absolutely non-negotiable. St gets his way with every other single thing in our lives but that one is an absolute. Ir is literally the only thing in my life im not flexible on. And dh knows this. My sister and I have never spent a Christmas apart from our parents in the 30odd years we've been alive and I'm not about to start this year.

Also, if it wasn't for my mum and dad dh and I would be able to work they do so much for us especially my mum so I'm not about to take their grandchildren away at Christmas. Christmas is a massive deal for our family we have lovelt family traditions that I'd like to continue.

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon Mon 11-Dec-17 19:48:11

I'm a student nurse

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon Mon 11-Dec-17 19:49:03

He's not and never has been the sole provider

Cancerisacunt Mon 11-Dec-17 19:49:35

Oh dear. Doesn’t your partner have family he would like ot see?

I only ever had christmas with m ex’s family - once in 27 year we went to mine. And I hated them and hate them for it. So I have to say I feel for your parter

Alpanini Mon 11-Dec-17 19:49:44

TL:DNR no good can come of close family members being this involved in your relationship. Is there are friend you can talk to about how stressed you are instead? But if the shoe was on the other foot can you imagine how fuming you'd be if your MIL started giving her opinions on your marriage and your DH didn't tell her to butt out? You were in the wrong to involve your parents. He was in the wrong to spend time on a hobby when he should have helped you install a washing machine etc. (I know which one I'd be more upset about tho...)

Graceflorrick Mon 11-Dec-17 19:49:45

OP, if your DH is working that many hours he must be completely exhausted. Having to deal with your father verbally abusing him on top must’ve felt very very unfair indeed.

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon Mon 11-Dec-17 19:50:35

While we were moving I was working 40 hours a week plus writing a research paper plus studying for an exam plus moving house and looking after 3 dcs.

pengymum Mon 11-Dec-17 19:52:06

Hmm... new hobby taking him away for long periods... Overnight even..
Behaviour changed to disregard of family responsibilities...

I think it’s a case of:
Cherchez la femme!

Good luck.

Cancerisacunt Mon 11-Dec-17 19:52:29

I would compromise over christmas and do year about in furutre tbh

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon Mon 11-Dec-17 19:52:52

I know that he s tired I do get that and I used to have more sympathy for him. Until he took up an extremely physical hobby that takes him out of the house for days then he uses work/tiredness as an excuse not to do anything.

Blackteadrinker77 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:55:03

I think DH and your Dad need to talk calmly.

Give them some time to calm down then ask if they are willing to meet up to talk.

mustbemad17 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:55:34

Do you ever get chance to be tired OP? Because from what you've said on top of the work you do you are basically running the house & caring for your DC...with help from your parents. I can guarantee my folks wouldn't keep quiet about that either!

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon Mon 11-Dec-17 19:56:45

Mustbemad you've hit the nail exactly on the head that's basically what I've been trying to say in all my rambling... my parents are having to step in and do for me what dh should be. And my dad's raging.

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon Mon 11-Dec-17 19:58:37

And see tbh it's not really that they have to do it... it's more dhs attitude that he just expects it and doesn't show any appreciation or acknowledgement that they do a lot for him.

mustbemad17 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:59:22

Yeah I can see why. Your DH is basically being a selfish prick. Yes he's working to provide, but then so are you? So whilst he buggars off to his 'hobby' (alarm bells, sorry!) you are expected to hold the fort. Can see why your dad - and the others - are losing their shit with him tbh

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