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Husband stonewalling me

(71 Posts)
Beepbob Mon 11-Dec-17 19:06:34

My DH and I have been married for 23 years. I am a SAHM. My DH will not have a discussion with me if I disagree with him at all. Not about business, kids, needs, wants, etc

He has started starting at woman in shopping centers, flirting with every teller, etc l. So today I just walked away and when he came out the shop, he said "you just left me". I said "no you were flirting". It has blown up and he apparently will not be told what to do by me and will do as he pleases and the solution is that we can no longer go shopping together and that's not. No discussion, he will not engage at all. Once again, if I do t like it, I can see an attorney. I have called his bluff on this threat and said fine, go and see one. He just disengages and we do not speak for a week or two and then he pretends nothing happpened. There is obviously many more instances like this but please, I need advice as to how to be heard and how to not have my opinions/feelings/, etc ignored and made to feel invisible and not important.

AssassinatedBeauty Mon 11-Dec-17 19:09:24

I would divorce and find a new partner who treats you properly tbh.

Sparkletastic Mon 11-Dec-17 19:10:59

Don't bother.
Divorce him.

RestingBitchFaced Mon 11-Dec-17 19:12:49

Call his bluff

flutterby12 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:13:02

Get rid. He sounds horrible.

caringdenise009 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:13:35

See an attorney. Think of it as a Christmas present to yourself. Find out what you are entitled to if you divorce. You might see it as more attractive than staying married, he might recognise that you are serious about not being treated so appallingly. From what you've said he doesn't sound like an attractive long term prospect, but I appreciate life isn't black and white.

In a marriage, both parties deserve to be heard.

Beepbob Mon 11-Dec-17 19:20:12

I'm so frustrated and if I get cross because he refuses to engage, then he says "see you always so angry" my frustration levels go through the roof when he just repeats "I will not speak to you, I will not speak to you. Leave me alone"

This isn't normal behavior is it? What happens when two people can't agree. How do you deal with it?

littlekellysmum Mon 11-Dec-17 19:21:19

Whatever he does is probably because he doesn't like conflict. You mentioned that you were married for 23 years. Were he like this before? How about arguments? Did you have healthy arguments before?

Unlike what others commented in the thread, I would say since you were married for 23 years, its worth giving a try. See if he is fulfilled with you.

He is probably stonewalling because he is unable to handle it when you confront him and say about him flirting with others.

caringdenise009 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:23:49

You can't argue or reason with someone who will not engage. He's being honest and telling you what he is doing. See an attorney. That's what he wants, so he is telling you he wants out , really. It hurts but life will be better without him and you will show your children that you won't accept being treated badly in a relationship, which in theory will teach them not to accept it either.

Beepbob Mon 11-Dec-17 19:25:42

We have never had healthy arguments and have never managed to solve anything. It just gets left most of the time but that x23 years means we just don't speak unless it's fair weather. Then things like today come up and I want to sort it. I want to at least know that he has heard me and cares enough to try not so it. Hope I am making sense

MeMeMeMe123 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:26:09

oh op - this is unlikely to get better unless you are both able to get to the bottom of what is bothering each of you.

you need to feel heard and understood imo.... that doesnt necessarily mean agreed with though, it can be respectfully done.

i say this through bitter experience and an ExH who stonewalled all teh time and persisted in walking away. He never, ever, saw my side and honestly believed he was superior to me.

Cant stand the twat.

AssassinatedBeauty Mon 11-Dec-17 19:27:08

He's told you clearly that he doesn't care and that if you don't like it then you should divorce him. He's not beating around the bush!

upaladderagain Mon 11-Dec-17 19:29:52

23 years. Why would you want to make it 24 with such a disrespectful wankbadger?

MeMeMeMe123 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:30:50

beep you want to know that he hears you. why? Genuine question, what do you think it might achieve for you? In what way will you feel better?
Please do stop and think about whether he 'cares enough' for you to feel cared for, not how he sees it.

People can justify almost behavoiur throught he lens of their own perceptions and emotions. Doesnt make them right.

How are your friends and family with you? Do they stonewall you? Do they issue threats?

Sorry - my mind is racing a bit but i think these are useful things to think about.

caringdenise009 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:30:53

Kellysmumm he could choose not to flirt or apologize for doing so, rather than treating the op so rudely couldn't he? He doesn't because he prefers to behave as he pleases..

happypoobum Mon 11-Dec-17 19:31:26

I am not sure I understand what you want.

He has made it clear he couldn't give a shit. It's his way or the highway - you can just fuck off.

The only decision to make is whether you want to spend the rest of your life living like the shit on his shoe or whether you have enough self esteem left to leave him?

Beepbob Mon 11-Dec-17 19:35:02

Meme, I want to know he hears me so that hopefully, when he does it again, he will be aware of me standing there and maybe not do it.

caringdenise009 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:35:55

OP I went through this with my ex and to be honest the hardest and most hurtful part was the occasion I realised that I didn't care anymore. I don't remember all the arguments where I tried to make him understand, I remember the one where I thought I don't care either, there's no point anymore, it has all been a waste of time. It really hurt but I'm glad it happened. He'd been showing me clearly over and over again, I just didn't want to see it.

AssassinatedBeauty Mon 11-Dec-17 19:36:42

He doesn't want to hear you, and has clearly said that. You can't have a discussion with someone who won't listen to you. I would start thinking about how to leave him - finances, work etc.

LexieLulu Mon 11-Dec-17 19:38:38

Wow, how have you lasted 23 years?

OpalIridescence Mon 11-Dec-17 19:38:52

Please read about the water torturer profile in Lundy Bancroft's book. Just google it, easily found. You might find the description very familiar.

I am eighteen years in with one of these, it is brutal. Drip, drip of disrespect and becoming used to not being heard in any way and punished by disengaging if you try to insist on speaking. The sudden re-engaging after a set time and acting like nothing ever happened is so tediously familiar.
I will not be making it 19 years.

Best of luck to you flowers

Beepbob Mon 11-Dec-17 19:40:40

I will go and look it up Quall thank you. I am so exhausted and feel so beaten that I don't know which way is up. I wish you the best of luck as well x

Mermaidblue Mon 11-Dec-17 19:45:34

Immature and indiotic behaviour. Sounds like a total twinkle.

Beepbob Mon 11-Dec-17 19:47:55

Opall thank you! That is exactly what happened. Exactly! 23 years and he is relentless

MeMeMeMe123 Mon 11-Dec-17 19:48:52

beep i totally get your thinking and agree that ordinarily, causing upset would trigger remorse, or a change in behaviour.

its almost as though he wants you to pull the trigger, to push towards an ending because he hasnt the cahoonies to talk it through with you.

im sorry you are going through this. best wishes whatever you choose to do. remember though, you DO have choices. they may not be great ones, but they're there. xx

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