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Found out DH is bisexual and a liar - can I ever be happy with him?

(293 Posts)
eskimomama Mon 11-Dec-17 17:26:42

DH and I have been together 10 years, we have a DD who has severe autism. I'm a SAH mom to be full time carer of DD, I do 99% of the childcare and household chores, while he's busy being the breadwinner and full time complainer.
First of all I must say I have been madly in love with this guy, I really loved him and still do, so what will follow is really a huge shock to my system.

2 months ago I discovered that DH was bisexual, because he had gay porn on the computer and gay chat apps on his phone. It was a massive shock to me as I had absolutely no idea. I know nothing about bisexuality so first I thought he was a repressed gay and I had just been used as a cover for his need to conform.
It caused me massive anxiety and had to confront him after 5 days, I forced him to admit it. It was a very emotional talk where he promised he never cheated, would never cheat or do anything to hurt me or DD or destabilise our little family. I trusted him, he really sounded sincere.

Yet just a few weeks later I started having negative thoughts again, I spied his phone again and was horrified by what I found : he had contacted a male prostitute!! He wrote to him "my wife agreed that this would be my outlet"!! To which the guy replied if I wanted to participate and he answered "probably not if ever, sorry"... WTF!!

How could he promise to be faithful with big tears in his eyes and 3 weeks later contact a male hooker???

I had to confront him again, I didn't mention the spying and what I discovered, but said I had had a very bad gut feeling and wanted him to reassure me he wouldn't cheat. He got angry and aggressive, saying "will I have to repeat the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life"... I told what I thought of promiscuous gay sex behind my back, told him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth : He looked me straight in the eyes, his face didn't twitch, his eyes didn't blink and he LIED to me. He said he wasn't planning to cheat and that I should calm down. That's what I wanted to hear but I knew it was a lie, what an AWFUL feeling.
On top of that he started mixing up all our problems : special needs child, isolation because of it, he said "we don't have a relationship" bla bla bla, to which I said it was very offensive and unfair to me, as well as sounding like he wanted to justify future cheating.
(for what it's worth we have sex 4-5 times a month)

The next day he had deleted the chat with the prostitute on his phone. Which at this stage doesn't mean anything to me. I'd say only 50% chance he didn't meet him.
I told him I'd be ruthless if I found out he has cheated and exposed me to STDs.
I do NOT think he gets the point.

How did I end up with a man who is completely different to what I thought? On the outside he's mister charmer, everybody loves him and finds him kind and caring. His family would never believe it.

I've been reading lots about bisexuality and I just can't make up my mind. I can hardly find any husband with some sort of mental stability. I find 3 types of marriages :
- those where the wife allows the husband to have sex with men every now and then or simply an open marriage both sides : totally NOT for me. I just cannot bear the thought and can't believe that's what he wanted all along
- those who split because the bi husband just cannot live without gay sex, even though he knows his sexual urge will destroy his family
- those who stay together because the husband has made a rational, conscious decision that his family is worth more than casual sex for the rest of his life, and is happy to stay monogamous - those seem very rare.

I need some help. I haven't told anybody and I am lost, and extremely anxious, which I really don't need as my stress levels with DD are already sky high.
Please don't tell me to just dump him because I am financially dependent on him and that would really not be easy. Maybe I will have to but I want to explore other options first.

Is there any hope that I can make him realise he just wants to have his cake and eat it? And that he is seriously hurting me and making me massively insecure?
In all evidence he says one thing and thinks another, so I can't have such conversations anymore.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of crap?

thank you

RedForFilth Mon 11-Dec-17 17:33:52

I don't think the bisexuality is really the issue. The issue is he's a cheat, shouldn't matter if he's cheating with a man or woman. I'm bisexual but perfectly capable of and happy with monogamy with the right person.
I wouldn't stay with anyone like that. I ended it with my son's dad for cheating so speak from experience. But if you say you can't then I suppose the alternative is stay and be miserable.

Fairenuff Mon 11-Dec-17 17:37:26

He's cheating on you. Don't let his self absorbed introspection blur the lines. He's a cheat - plain and simple. Tell him to leave. See how he likes the consequences of his actions.

TheSameCoin Mon 11-Dec-17 17:38:37

I agree. Him being bisexual is a red herring. Plenty of people are bisexual and monogamous. The issue is that he contacted a prostitute and likely had sex with him as well. That’s the deal breaker and I would say exactly the same if he was cheating with a woman. You need to end it.

magoria Mon 11-Dec-17 17:39:34

Got to agree with Red.

Male or female he was looking to pay another person for a fuck.

He looked you in the eyes and lied through the teeth about it.

You need complete STI check up ASAP as you know he is a liar, a potential cheat cheat and may be an actual cheat.

MrsPestilence Mon 11-Dec-17 17:40:46

We stay together because my husband and I have made rational, conscious decisions that our family is worth more than casual sex for the rest of our lives, and are happy to stay monogamous - this seem very normal.
Neither of us would shag other men or women or goats, that is the crux of marriage. It does not matter if either of us is bi, we made a choice to get married.

FolderReformedScruncher Mon 11-Dec-17 17:42:23

You need to stop worrying about things that he may or may not do in the future. You can leave just because of the revelations thus far. You have the right to not be able to stomach it, even if it was a while ago that you found out. See a solicitor soon as knowledge is power. In your shoes, I wouldn't see a happy future for myself, especially knowing what you know, his using everything else going on as an excuse for his crap behaviour is piss poor too. LTB. He is a bare faced liar.

Pinkpillows Mon 11-Dec-17 17:43:04

Forget cheating for a moment

He has lied about who he is from the start its hugely relevant he's bi

Could be saying he's bi to later come out as gay testing the water

Leave him he's not worth it

eskimomama Mon 11-Dec-17 17:45:55

redforfilth this is the first time I hear of such a scenario. I just can't find examples to show him bisexuality doesn't have to be fulfilled in long term relationships. Is it different for men??
He spends a lot of time on reddit where there doesn't seem to be anyone who isn't "dating" both genders...or think open marriage isn't the new norm....?!

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Mon 11-Dec-17 17:50:08

His bisexuality has nothing to do with this.
I am bisexual (my DP knew from the start though).
We have a monogamous relationship, been together 8years, have a DS.
Just because I fancy/sleep with women.....doesn't mean I have to in order to be happy. What a weird concept. confused

If you are straight you still fancy other people, right? But you don't act on that when in a,monogamous relationship.

Same for bisexuals. This has nothing to do with sexuality.

The issue you have is.....

He's a cheating, lying cunt, nothing more, nothing less.

But please stop believing the idea that bisexuals are somehow destined to cheat.
I've faced so much stigma/assumptions about my fidelity from exes/ people.

Frustrationqueen Mon 11-Dec-17 17:51:40

If all of what you found was about another woman, how would you react?
It sounds like you are trying to be understanding that maybe he has been living a lie himself and is somewhat suppressed and youre making exceptions for that.

He chose to become a husband. He took vows with you.

He is cheating. The gay chat apps alone are enough for some (me) to end it -even if they were for the opposite sex. It is still him looking outside of his marriage.
After you questioned him he contacted a male prostitute! He has absolutely.no intention of putting an end to this.
He then tries to blame his behaviour on everything going on in life. Things you are also dealing with, yet it has never led you astray.

Ltb

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Mon 11-Dec-17 17:51:40

Oh and my advice?
Ditch the bastard.

TheSameCoin Mon 11-Dec-17 17:51:59

Look. He’s bisexual and a cheat. He’s shown you that. He clearly wants to have sex with men.

Plenty of people are bisexual and monogamous (I am) but that is not who he is and he is showing you that clearly. You don’t have to put up with whatever ‘open’ arrangement he is suggesting or arguing that is normal. End it.

eskimomama Mon 11-Dec-17 17:53:42

mrspestilence he had multiple occasions to tell me about his bisexuality in the past but didn't. I told him that. Especially when I got pregnant he had a moral duty to tell me. I would have told him open marriage was never going to be for me. So we never made a conscious decision. He tells me bisexuality wasn't on his mind all these years but came back with a vengence in recent years because of all the stress we have with DD. Which hurts me more because it sounds like there is nothing I can do about it (his "bicycle" as he calls it). He could be shagging me thinking of men ... I wouldnt have a clue...and hate the idea.

eskimomama Mon 11-Dec-17 17:57:21

Lana samecoin thank you so much. I need to hear this. But can't help but feel bisexual men are different to bi women in that respect??

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Mon 11-Dec-17 17:57:34

Is it different for men??

Hahaha NO!

Only for cheating scumbags looking for excuses to cheat.

He's really spun you a bunch of bullshit op.
And step away from the internet...

The only reason all you can find is tales of woe is because the copious amounts of bisexual people in perfectly happy relationships don't post about them online.

Pinkpillows Mon 11-Dec-17 17:59:08

OP he's only told you because you found out

He has deceived you into marriage and a child. Forget people who say its the same if he ran off with a woman, it isn't this man set out to tell you he was straight instead he's not only cheated and lied he is be down right shit bag since the very moment you met

Honestly I'd get yourself checked out and I would leave him, unfortunately as he's having same sex relations you can't get him on adultery for divorce. Gather as much shit on him and start a divorce he doesn't value you or his child as he's behaving like this

TheSameCoin Mon 11-Dec-17 18:00:04

No it’s not different for men. Bisexual men are as capable as any other men at being faithful if they want to be. But he doesn’t want to be, does he?

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Mon 11-Dec-17 18:02:49

unfortunately as he's having same sex relations you can't get him on adultery for divorce

Bullshit....otherwise how would gay couples file for divorce on adultery grounds?

Forget people who say its the same if he ran off with a woman

Its exactly the same.
If someone marries you knowing they might cheat thats a huge lie...but it doesn't matter at all about the sex of the person they cheated.

GeekyWombat Mon 11-Dec-17 18:04:45

The only reason all you can find is tales of woe is because the copious amounts of bisexual people in perfectly happy relationships don't post about them online.

This. (Another happy one here)

The bisexuality isn’t the issue. The being a cheating, lying bastard is.

What do you want to do next OP?

EllenRipley Mon 11-Dec-17 18:04:50

An open marriage might be the norm for the people on that forum but that's not the situation you are in. He hasn't been open - he's lied from the start of your relationship and he's probably cheating on you. And now that his secret has been revealed he's expecting you to just get on with life, which is very cruel and selfish. This isn't about accepting his sexuality, which for any partner in this situation requires some mental gymnastics and can be a lot to process. Researching bisexuality will help you up to a point as you clearly are due at least some understanding of this side of your partner's life but it doesn't change who he is and how he's treating you. As others have said, his bi-sexuality is irrelevant. You're as miserable and distressed as anyone who found out their partner was bare-faced lying would be and your choices are the same; can you live with it? Do you deserve it? Will you regret staying? thanks x

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Mon 11-Dec-17 18:09:16

He tells me bisexuality wasn't on his mind all these years but came back with a vengence in recent years because of all the stress we have with DD

Oh op.
He really really is spinning you so much fucking shit.

Sexuality isn't turned on and off, and it certainly isn't related to stress.

He is literally saying the most bullshit he thinks he can get away with.

He is lying.

Pinkpillows Mon 11-Dec-17 18:10:57

Lana

Do your research before you go to pick apart my comments

In a marriage between a man and woman if either sleeps with the same sex it is not adultery

Gay marriages are civil partnerships very different grounds

wildbluebelles Mon 11-Dec-17 18:17:21

Bullshit....otherwise how would gay couples file for divorce on adultery grounds?

Actually, it's true that you can't rely on adultery in a same sex marriage. Nor can you use a same sex relationship as evidence of adultery in a heterosexual marriage (it would be unreasonable behavior though). Strange, but 100% true (although slightly irrelevant).

Don't agree bisexuality makes you more likely to cheat. That would be um, being a cheat.

stitchglitched Mon 11-Dec-17 18:18:46

I would be very angry at being lied to and deceived about his sexual orientation. You married him without being aware of the full truth about him and I wouldn't be able to get over that, I would feel tricked and conned.

On top of that he is a cheat. I would be speaking to a solicitor about your options.

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