Is it my fault ? Should I move in with him ? Or end it once and for all ?

[piginthemiddle]

Need some things put into perspective Mumsnetters.

My DS dad really wants us to move in together. We are both 24. He wants us to settle down officially and make a go of it, to move on from the past, let go and look forward to the future. Sounds great ? My heart is telling me to go for it, give DS dad a proper chance to be a dad...be family and him taking a part, fully, in DS care. However, my head is telling me, no, that I might as well give up on life. He also mentioned to me that it's my fault that things are the way they now are...not living together, being stuck in the past. He even asked me "What good did you get from staying at your Aunty's house". I replied to him that "I got a degree ". Something I wouldn't achieve if I lived with him.

These are my reason why I'm cautious to make a go of things and "let go".

1. DS dad and I got together in our early teens, not long after that DS was born. He was highly abusive, in every aspect. You name it, sexually, physically, emotionally. Social services were in and out of mine and, my then, young son's life. He asked me to move with him then but I couldn't. He was abusive, I knew I would make a huge mistake in living him. I also didn't want DS to grow up in that abusive environment. Thankfully, he is not like this anymore, social services were happy with the supervised visits, his allowed to see DS unsupervised and SS are no longer involved.
   

1. He smokes weed. I know a few Mumsnetters on here who have no issues with weed. But DS dad smokes it too much. When we used to stay over at DS's dad in the past. I use to hate waking up in the morning to smell that foul weed smoke. I also don't want DS to be brought up in a house where he can smell or see his dad smoking a spliff.
   

1. His not a "man" or a "father". I can't picture him when DS reaches his teenage years and giving him mature/ adult advice. Plus, his a bit childish... a minor example...DS really wants a Nintendo DS for Christmas, DS dad said he "will get him a PS4", I told him " Well DS wants other things for Christmas, he doesn't want a PS4". DS dad replied "Well..he will once I buy it for him". Can you see ? DS dad doesn't think about DS wants. He only wants to get PS4 for DS (which I highly doubt he will get anyway) as it's something he would want to buy for himself (even though he has one). ifyswim.
   

1. We don't live together. But he doesn't support DS at all. Not financially, emotionally, doesn't see DS unless for special occasions..e.g. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, School plays. He now has his own place..2 hours away, he tells me "DS can't stay over yet as he still has to sort out his house". DS has only stayed over there once. Makes many excuses not to support his child, such as "is on benefits and has bills to pay "...he's now working but again using the same excuse " I have bills to pay, when you live by yourself then you would know what I'm talking about". Due to us having DS young, he got kicked out from his parents house and was homeless for quite a few years ( I helped him tremendously during this period). He reckons that his done "all of this" for DS and doesn't want to give up everything for DS again . DS is very into football and he hasn't taken DS to his football classes or even kicked around with a ball in the park. His excuse is " I'm not into football". Well neither am I, but I take DS to his football classes, tournaments because it's his interests.
   

1. Makes me feel like shit. He came to an event, which DS was participating in. He told me that the receptionist flirted with him and said " I can't believe DS is your son, he's a very handsome boy" to which DS dad replied " Yes, he got it from me" and she said "Yes, I can see that". .
   

We were in the store with DS and he eyed up this woman and turned his head to stare at her. When we walked out from the shop. He then proclaimed that " he forgot to buy something". Which the real reason was so that he can check out this woman some more, as she was in the store. He tells me that I dress too posh and act like it too.

1. Wants to have sex too much. Honestly, if I officially moved in with him. He would want sex at least 3 times a day. As a result, I fear I may end up with loads of kids with little to no support.
   

All that being said. DS dad wants us to have another go for a relationship, but this time move in together. Sort of like.... I don't know if any of you watch Eastenders and seen the Lauren and Steven's story-line. But DS dad is like Steven, where he wants to settle down and like (Lauren) who isn't too sure.

What would you Mums netters do ? Should I forget what happened in the past ? Should I go for it ? Is it my fault, like DS dad had said, that the reason why the way things are is because of me?

In honesty. I think this is a bad idea. I'm 24, I really don't want to end up in this revolving cycle and not move on from DS dad till I'm about 50. But, I don't know what to do. Should we try again ? Should I accept his proposal ?

[esk1mo]

oh my god, no way in hell should you move in with him!!!!

build a life for yourself and your son, he will not be missing out on anything. he will be 1million times better off than being in an environment with someone like that

[Bloomed]

I have no idea why you would. Very bad idea.

[Beachtime]

PLEASE NEVER ENTER INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON AGAIN

[piginthemiddle]

Bloomed and Esk.. I'm actually shocked. I thought I had the issue...not letting go of the past... I'm not in the wrong ? Am I expecting too much ?

[EllenRipley]

I can literally think of no reasons why you should move on with this man. Sometimes the past is a good reminder - and a warning.

[piginthemiddle]

But I do need to let go of the past Ellen.

[Chikka1971]

Please please please listen to us. You're so young and have an opportunity to build a great life with you and DS. If you move in with him you will never be happy and will be tied in to a life of abuse and misery. Not only should you not live with him but you shouldn't be in any kind of a romantic or sexual relationship with him. You deserve so much more than this and so does your DS. You DS does not need this man as a role model or to grow up seeing you treated badly....take it from me you will give him a much much better life and future if you get as far away from his dad as possible. Please be strong. You are worth so much more xxx

[Beachtime]

Sorry for the caps. I just cannot for one second, underunderstand you are even thinking about this?

So in a nutshell....

Your ex is abusive, lazy, drug taking, doesn't give a shit about his child, doesn't support his child, doesn't seem to give a shit about You - or even like you that much. And you're asking if you should go live with him?....

Please do not do this, this would be the worst decision you ever made!

Your ex HAS a proper chance at being a dad and is being beyond useless! He doesn't support his child, financially or otherwise, doesn't even seem to have any interest in him from your OP - do you think if you lived together he'd magically turn into a completely different person?

It's not your fault he's useless. It's his. It seems like you've managed to make a good choice, living with family and managed to get your degree while raising a small child.

Please don't throw all that away for a useless waste of space. You and your child deserve so much more!

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

I really wish we were not had that shit hammered into us that a horrible dad is better than no dad.

It is NOT. Put your child first, do you want him growing up in an abusive household walking on eggshells? do you want him to also be a victim of abuse? Do you want him to grow up to be like his father?

What on Earth? What planet are you on? That home won’t be safe place for your son. Proper dad, my arse. A proper family is built on the principle of love and respect. Living under the same roof doesn’t make a family.

[piginthemiddle]

I thought, if I lived with him he would be more of a responsible dad, get to see DS daily, become use to the daily grind of bringing up a child. I don't know...I sort of feel like I didn't give him the chance.

I know this is silly. But, in my friendship group, most of them are settling down, getting married, having more kids. I just feel a bit lost... I know everyone has a different journey in life but I feel currently my life is going nowhere.

With the drug taking. I've seen many threads on Mumsnet where the majority of posters have said they have no issue with weed, they use it habitually, have seen a few posts say that it's "ridicolous if someone breaks up with somebody because that person takes weed". I assume the drug taking was a non- issue. In today's society. It's just, I didn't grow up with my parents taking drugs, whether it's alcohol or weed so I naturally don't want DS to grow up in that sort of environment as I didn't.

[pallisers]

Not only should you not go near him again but you need to do some serious work on yourself so that your normal reaction to someone abusing you physically, emotionally, sexually and unsurprisingly being a shit person and a shit father is NOT to think "should we move in together?"

Expecting too much?? You are 24 and you think something better than living with a useless, weed-smoking, abusive twat is "expecting too much". Darling you really need to sort your own head out. And stay away from this loser. He is the kind of guy the rest of us would step over.

[pallisers]

you may think your life is going nowhere. you are 24. loads of time to sort that out.

If you move in with this tosser your life will be going downhill so rapidly that going nowhere will look like a dream of happiness.

[piginthemiddle]

My DS is growing up so fast. He's 7. He will soon be a teenager. How can I support him then ? . He listens to his dad, respects him. I don't know what's going to happen when he reaches that stage.

[AcrossthePond55]

No, you certainly do NOT need to let go of the past! You need to remember it and hold it close. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. And based on his past behaviour this man is a manipulative, violent, abusive piece of shit. You did NOT study and bust your behind to get that degree to end up with him, did you? I should say not!! You deserve someone who will take pride in your accomplishment, who will forward your aims in life.

Don't believe for one red hot second that he's 'not like that' anymore. He's simply biding his time. He knows that it's not easy to find a victim for his abuse, he knows you were his victim once, so he's going to try to con you into being his victim again. He knows if he pulled his abusive shit now you would simply tell him to get the hell out of your life. Not quite so easy when you've got shared expenses and a joint lease! And if you are contemplating giving up a job or moving away from friends and family you'd be even more vulnerable. He wants you to move in together so he can isolate you from your support system. You cannot do this to yourself and your son. You simply can't.

Please, please kick him to the kerb. Tell him that you do not want any type of relationship with him other than to coparent your child. That in future he is to limit communications to access requests and information regarding your son. And that any other type of communications are unwelcome and will be considered harassment.

[AntiHop]

Please don't move in with him. Has done nothing to show he'd be a good partner and father. If he wants to be an active part of your son's life, he can do that without living with you two.

[pallisers]

First of all he is 7. He won't soon be a teenager. he will soon be 8.

But also. Why can you not support a teenage boy?

I have a 21 year old son and I think he respects me and my opinions as much if not more than his father's. i know loads of lovely respectful, decent, funny, kind kids who are the children of single parents.

Are you seriously saying you will live with an abusive loser at age 24 because you worry about rearing a teenage boy???

Seriously OP. get some help for yourself. This isn't normal. You want to move in with this waste of space. Why on earth would you set your bar so low?

[Insomnibrat]

This man wants you to move in with him so he can get sex three times a day and give you nothing in return.

He will ruin your life.

Run fast and run far.

[Insomnibrat]

Incidentally, i'm not morally opposed to a bit of recreational cannabis, discreetly, every now and again (not that I smoke, myself), but there's no way on earth i'd introduce a child into a house where this was so prevalent, so ingrained a habit that the home was constantly filled with acrid, cold, stale tobacco/weed smoke. No no and NO!

This will damage your DS, not 'help him'.

[SandAndSea]

I think this is a bad idea.

^ This! You said it here. Listen to yourself!

[Mom2K]

I did read your post (and honestly you need to completely cut this guy out of your life and only communicate to arrange contactfor your ds. Why are you even considering living with him? There should be no relationship with him period).

But even before I read through the post..if you even need to ask the question "should I end it once and for all" then you certainly don't even think about a big step like living together. That is something you should only do in a healthy relationship you have no reservations over. This relationship is not at healthy. Get out now. Run.

[dentalplanlisaneedsbraces]

No. Fucking. Way. If you are forced to do visitation, do that, but distance your life as much as possible.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

It's all very well "letting go of the past" but it sounds like if you move in with him the past will repeat itself. It will become your present.
And your future will be worse

[Cloudylemons]

Just say no, thank you! You know where this will end, just listen to all the mumsnetters and be strong!

[GoldfishCrackers]

The past with this man is horrifying.
The present is too. He's not doing a very good job of looking like he's changed. He's not interested in his son. He's not supporting his son financially, practically or emotionally. A man who wanted to be a father would do all this whether you lived together or not. Why is he 'waiting' until you move in together?
And the best is he is looking at his own shoddy present behaviour and blaming you for not moving in with him! This is the crux of it: he doesn't take responsibility for his own failures, so he's never going to change. Instead he blames you and tries reduce your confidence and self esteem, and to increase your dependence on him.
Who is telling you your son needs him? Who is telling you your son will need him when he's a teenager? This is nuts. He's a terrible role model. What sort of man do you want your son to grow into?
You are doing so well. Got a degree, brought up your son. Stay well away from this man and don't let him drag you down.

[Pythonesque]

Your instincts are telling you the right things.

If he is suggesting you could develop a fresh and working relationship by means of him moving in - sorry, no, you move in together because you have developed your relationship. If he is serious he would try to work on your relationship effectively first.

You can be what your son needs. Write something down about your past and put it somewhere where you can read it now and then if you need a reminder of why being on your own is the right thing.