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Am I wrong about my relationship?

(46 Posts)
Iamok0303 Sun 10-Dec-17 23:45:47

In my relationship. I am sorry but this may be a long post, please advice.

If I voice how I am feeling, I get told that I have a low opinion of him. I don’t, and I admire him and love him. I am just not allowed an opinion. Or say how I feel. I am now not allowed to voice concerns or raise an issue, as he was hoping for a good week without issues. Our issues are rather small issues. I want to improve our relationship and have gone to counselling as we broke up earlier this year, threw him out because he was not paying towards our up keep and because of disagreements escalating into bad arguments and I just had enough, something broke in me and I gave up on our otherwise brilliant relationship.
I was also finding it hard to accept that he cheated on his x wife for over a year and then left her for the ow. I am not the ow. My gut saying he will do the same to me as soon as the novelty of me wears off.
I always feel like I am bugging him with”my issues” as apparently he has not got any.
And that I should relax and enjoy what we have got.
We have been together nearly two years. We live together. Flat in my name and I pay majority of the bills. We get the same pay but he says that seeing he pays maintenance with his kids, I am unreasonable for demanding that he pay half towards stuff as he also has debt, may I add that this debt was accumulated before l came along. I rent the flat btw and the rent is relatively low. He was renting with his mate and paying double there than he does with me here, so I do feel taken for granted as I know if he was able to do that there, then surely he can with me too. He has gone for financial advice and seems to be getting himself sorted but yet to agree with me on what is going to happen for our future.
He kind of moved himself in after only a few months being together, or fourth month in.
I feel like I am ok to be around as long as I don’t raise those or any issues. I am left wondering what really is wrong with me. Otherwise we get on like house on fire, I have my faults but so does he. I love him very much. If there is a disagreement, he stormes off, slamming doors. Yelled at me. I feel very much at fault for bringing stuff up stuff like the finances. I wish our otherwise good relationship was easier. It was so effortless in the beginning and I feel he is making me out to be such hard work when I know full well I am not. I have been really supportive and understanding when it comes to his money issues and his past behaviour. I have turned into a anxious individual and I am constantly questioning myself.
I ask him if he is happy as sometimes I gather he is just in it for s roof over his head although he can be very loving towards me but I feel there are too many mixed messages and that I need to wake up to the harsh reality that this may never work or as long as I dance to the music all is good.
He has just stormed off tho sleep on the couch after I asked him about lack of affection. He said I basically ruin his sleep. There is more to this but I feel he really hates me when he yells at me, walks away and closes the living room door even though he can hear my sobbing. He does nothing to console or even try to fix things. I told him to me it’s a big indicator that he doesn’t respect me at all. Would you kindly advice me as this is slowly killing me x

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 10-Dec-17 23:47:13

I'd get rid of him. He's messing with your mind and abusing you financially. Honestly, life's too short to spend with this kind of man.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 10-Dec-17 23:47:51

He's also abusing you in other ways, OP. Frankly, he's bloody horrible!

Iamok0303 Sun 10-Dec-17 23:51:55

He comes on here to read my threads I have added on here previously, he will probably say that since I have been in Abi’s I’ve relationships in the past that I will try and paint him with the same brush, I have never done this but know that this is not a healthy relationship.

Iamok0303 Sun 10-Dec-17 23:54:03

I need hand holding as I feel guilty for ending the relationship as I know he has no place to go and little money

Iamok0303 Mon 11-Dec-17 00:10:40

is Anyone up that may have similar experience and can just have advice to give me

gg1234 Mon 11-Dec-17 00:20:14

I think you have inner issues of insecurity and self worth .Someone can be clearly seen abusing you financially and emotionally and still you want some affection from him.Trust me you are better off than him You need counselling to reboot the way you think about you.

Iamok0303 Mon 11-Dec-17 00:33:22

@gg1234, I know I do need to work on myself now. It has really knocked me over and I need to repair my self confidence, it’s just so confusing when he is so loving but so aweful if we argue. He blames be for escalating them and for being horrible, I won’t bow to the abuse and will tell him so if I feel he has overstepped it, he will then slam doors, has previously thrown a new iPhone at me which I got on a contract for him and yelled to my son through a window that I was a crazy bitch, this was back in July when I ended the relationship. I feel like such an idiot because I should know better about abusive behaviour.

troodiedoo Mon 11-Dec-17 00:53:57

Relationships are not supposed to be hard. There is nothing wrong with you. This man is abusive and will get worse. Dig deep, find your inner strength and send him packing. He'll live, don't worry about him. Not your concern.

SandyY2K Mon 11-Dec-17 00:59:37

Please end it because he's violent and a freeloader and he doesnt treat you well.

How many more reasons do you need? Because there are more...but you don't need more.

He's a liability and he's dragging you down. There are better men out there.

Seeingadistance Mon 11-Dec-17 01:01:44

I'm sorry, OP, but his behaviour is abusive.

My ex husband showed some of these behaviours as well. Everything was fine as long as I never expressed an opinion which differed from his, as long as I never asked him to do anything he didn't want to do, and as long as I never reproached him, or indeed ever mentioned any rows we'd had or any past or present problems in the relationship. He would say that I was being critical when I wasn't, and eventually he would yell at me for saying, "have a good time" when he was going out or for the expression on my face. Over time he went from yelling at me for actually criticising him (so I stopped doing that for fear of his response) and started yelling at me for what he perceived as criticisms, but only in his head. I couldn't do right for doing wrong.

It's no way to live.

Smeaton Mon 11-Dec-17 01:03:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamok0303 Mon 11-Dec-17 01:09:06

Thank you all. I should know abuseive behaviour but this time round it really didn’t come across as abuse, it’s been really cunning and as he has been really helps and generally nice, I have overlooked it and been minimising it. I have been here before but it’s tough as I have tried really hard and I am grieving the “what might have been”

Iamok0303 Mon 11-Dec-17 01:09:51

Helpful, apologies for the spelling mistakes

Ellie56 Mon 11-Dec-17 01:10:15

This is not what happens in normal relationships. This is financial and emotional abuse.

If he was in a flat on his own he would have to pay the bills He absolutely should be paying his way, not sponging off you. The fact that he has a debt is his problem, not yours.

Send the iphone back and get rid of him. Don't feel guilty for kicking out a knobhead who doesn't care about or respect you. He sounds like a complete arsehole.

You are getting nothing out of this relationship except a lot of grief. This is not how it should be.

You can do much better than this twat. Get rid now.

Iamok0303 Mon 11-Dec-17 01:23:35

What I am afraid off is the aftermath. I did break it off last Thursday only for him to come back to mine and tell me he lived here and I felt really powerless. I have been trying to resonate with myself for months that this is no good and have been trying to break free, but I haven’t been able to as I feel like I am doing the wrong thing by ending the relationship during the good times (love bombing) and when things are good they are great. I am s wreck tbh

HelenUrth Mon 11-Dec-17 01:23:38

"I feel guilty for ending the relationship as I know he has no place to go and little money"

Shame that this stupid/nasty man not only couldn't see what side his bread was buttered on, but also that you were worth looking after.

A healthy relationship is where your feelings are acknowledged, even if the other person feels they are out of place.

Invalidation (& I've had plenty of experience of this), is "to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it."
Read lots more here

"I am just not allowed an opinion. Or say how I feel."
"I feel like I am ok to be around as long as I don’t raise those or any issues."
"I feel very much at fault for bringing stuff up stuff like the finances."
"He said I basically ruin his sleep."
"He does nothing to console or even try to fix things."
What would you advise your best friend to do in this situation?

This manipulative, in-debt cheat is one of the worse ones on the scale of awful partners described on MN. Please get yourself out asap.


Iamok0303 Mon 11-Dec-17 01:35:08

Thank you everyone, I really value every answer as I have been really anxious and have had such self doubt to the point of wanting to just give up. I am a tough one so I guess this has worn me down. Thank you all very, very much

overnightangel Mon 11-Dec-17 06:28:49

He sounds horrible
What @HelenUrth says is spot on
Please leave and look after yourself.

AdalindSchade Mon 11-Dec-17 06:31:15

He has no right to live in your house!
You need to change the locks while he is out and bag up his stuff on the doorstep.

Iamok0303 Mon 11-Dec-17 07:42:42

I have taken his keys. I will need to go to work but hate what I will be faced with later. He is bound to read my mumsnet as he has in the past, and comment? I don’t know. I will be asking him to leave today but I know it will be volatile.

GertrudeCB Mon 11-Dec-17 07:47:33

Then get the police involved. Honestly he is a cunt and you need shot of him ASAP.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 11-Dec-17 08:01:37

I did break it off last Thursday only for him to come back to mine and tell me he lived here

The right answer to that is "not any more you don't, matey". It is not his flat - by the sound of it you never even invited him to live there, he just drifted into it - and he does have options. He rented with a friend before, he can do it again.

I can only think that if you think this relationship is "brilliant", the previous ones must have been very abusive indeed.

Iamok0303 Mon 11-Dec-17 08:05:39

I feel awful for just telling him to leave seeing he has no place to go really.

Iamok0303 Mon 11-Dec-17 08:09:13

@ Annie. Yes they were. I though I had learnt but it’s during our arguments things turn really nasty

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