My DH is so miserable

[dilemmaaboutmoney]

It is grinding me down.

He says FUCK about ten times a day. He constantly trips over the dogs, and tells them to fuck off. Sometimes kicks them.

Everything I do seems to be wrong. As it's cold now, he has a thing about doors being open, so when we walk the dogs in the morning, as soon as he is in the garden, he shouts "COME ON" at me, whilst I hurry to leave.

Tonight, I asked him what he would love to see under the tree on Christmas morning. He said " I dunno , what about you". I said a gift that I'd asked him for (that was £16). He moaned that was something I'd told him about after he'd completed shopping. Despite the fact that he gave me a gift idea at £50 after I'd finished, but I just bought it anyway.

I didn't speak after that. So we watched telly in silence for 2 hours. Until I left and came to bed in my sons room (he's at Uni, so not here)

He's not bothered to see where I am.

He doesn't care, does he?

[ZigZagandDustin]

He does sound miserable. Depression??

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

Has he always been like this?
It does sound miserable.
Kicking the dog is especially hateful.

[buckingfrolicks]

God that must be awful to tolerate. Really hard. I have no advice, just sympathy. He sounds dreary and life destroying

[timeisnotaline]

You don't run around after miserable gits. When he goes out to walk the dogs and shouts at you, don't follow. Leave the door open till he comes back inside to see what's going on. Explain he can wait by the door , or he can go outside and deal with it.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

What's the benefit of being married to him? Is he fantastic in bed? Does he do 90% of the housework?

[ohfourfoxache]

Depression isn’t an excuse for behaving like a cunt (which, if he kicks the dog, he is)

And I say that as someone with chronic depression.

He sounds horrible to be around

[echt]

He sounds horrible, and not to put an animal before a human, his kicking of the dog is utterly shit.

[Ecclesiastes]

Depression my arse. It's so tedious when that gets trotted out like a reflex to excuse appalling behavior.

[overnightangel]

I don’t think you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that

[WasDoingFine]

You must feel like your walking on egg shells. Have you told him how he is making you feel?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No he does not care at all, only for his own self.

Why are you and he still together?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

[TheNaze73]

It sounds like you both irritate the hell out of each other. Kicking dogs is inexcusable.

This looks doomed to me

[dilemmaaboutmoney]

Thanks for the replies.

No, he hasn't always been like this. And he's not like this all the time. He can be loving, funny etc. We've been together for 9 years. Last month we had a holiday, and didn't argue once - we had a brilliant time.

To answer some questions. He does virtually no housework. I work far less hours than him, so I'm not too bothered about that. He cooks maybe once a week. He would never think to change sheets or clean the bathroom. He doesn't even put the bins out!

He has a very stressful job. It's a shame, because it's a job he wanted very much, and now he has it, it turns out that it's not quite what he thought it would be like. However, in his profession, it's certainly the best place to be - if they had a re-shuffle and he got returned to his old team, he would hate that a lot more.

I know he is struggling with smoking at the mo. He gave up a few years back, but recently has taken to buying a packet if he goes on a night out, and then smoking the packet until they are gone. In fairness, he rarely goes out and when he does smoke, it's only 2 in the evening.

On his days off, I ask nothing of him. He plays video games for most of the day. But the evenings are always spent together.

I bought fake snow yesterday, and all he could say, is that it's "tacky". Yeh, maybe, but I'm just having fun.

I also bought, and hung new curtains yesterday. He didn't offer any help. And he made a bit of a fuss, when I asked him to get the ironing board out of the garage for me (It's very heavy and I have a strain in one arm).

He'll be home later full of regret. He will apologise profusely and cuddle me etc.

I don't want to leave him. I love him. I just want him to cheer up.

Yes, I have told him how it's making me feel. I've asked him why he is speaking to me like that etc. He apologises, things get better, then slide back.

[dontknowwhatcomesnext]

Sorry, I can’t past kicking the dog. One warning that if he ever did it again he would be re-homed. Awful. : (

[dontknowwhatcomesnext]

And by “he”, I mean your husband. What an asshole.

[Ecclesiastes]

I don't want to leave him. I love him. I just want him to cheer up.

He's perfectly cheerful. Tormenting you and your dog brings him cheer. Sitting on his arse playing computer games while you do all the housework makes him happy as larry.

[BagelGoesWalking]

He can't just apologise and carry on as if nothing happened.

He has to address whatever is making him so aggressive and moody.

[Bubblebath01]

This was my life about 3 years ago. Without casting doubt, etc, etc...

DH had emotionally detached. Had an affair with sociopathic 21 yr old divorcee, etc, etc.

He felt pressurised by her, guilty as hell, but couldn't deal with it.

He took it out on me and DCs. Made Christmas hell. Made life hell for next 6 months, before I confronted him.

I really regret not confronting earlier, I wasted 6 months desperately trying to "fix" things, he didn't want fixed. He had completely detached emotionally.

I'm not saying this is same as your case, but I didn't read warning bells.

Months of ignoring, short temper, nothing was right, he spent longer and longer at his squash club (turned out to be "sympathetic" barmaid there), he was angry all the time, blew up at nothing. The harder I tried the more I was ignored, verbally abused, etc. Almost like he wanted me to say I couldn't live with him like that i was leaving. He didn't have the guts. So he could blame me, and avert his own guilt and move on because I forced the issue.

However it took another 6 for me to put it all together.

Talk to him. Don't waste your time waiting for him to "come out of his depression".

Xxxx

[caffelatte100]

Is he treating you like that because he knows he can? Have you told him the parts of his treatment that are unacceptable to you and how it makes you feel? I think you need stricter words with him. YOU may be coming over as too dormant, because you don't want to lose him - as you yourself say. You need to set some more consquences and have it clear to yourself what's acceptable and what's not.
My husband works 14 hours days, but he is still nice and helpful, even though he is really tired and also very stressed. I would not allow him to treat me like this. He wouldn't, he likes and respects me too much.

I think if you stood up to him more (maybe you are, but you don't write this) he may respect you more. Cuddling up later, don't let him - he has to prove himself to you!
and playing video games all day! FFS, he sounds like a teenager, and a real selfish nightmare. Sorry, I wouldn't put up with this and it sounds like you'd be better off without him. Just look at what you wrote!
Good luck though sorting this, doesn't sound easy or a nice relationship.

[deepestdarkestperu]

He's not depressed, he's lazy and abusive.

Depression does not make people kick animals. I get so sick of it being trotted out on threads like this. I have/had depression and I've never thought it acceptable to kick my pets

You can't change his mood. You can ask him to go to counselling or to the GP, but you can't make him be happy. Personally, I wouldn't stay with someone who did no housework, sat on his arse playing video games all day kicked my pets.

[Blackteadrinker77]

If he kicked my dog I would out the door with her.

Re-home your dogs NOW!

[user1497997754]

He is a cruel man if he had done that to my dogs he would be in hospital now

[hellsbellsmelons]

Abusing animals is a huge red flag of an abusive person.
I'm not victim blaming but... you need to ask yourself why you put up with this treatment?
Why haven't left with your dogs by now?
I could never ever be with someone who is OK hurting animals!