Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Someone tell me I'm not crazy please(37 Posts)
I apologize if this gets long. I started a thread a few weeks ago but feel like my situation has changed and just need someone to help give me some confidence/advice.
H is and has been emotionally abusive for years. It's really only in the last year that i've even realized this/ come to the reality of it. He has other faults in that he has been innappropriate with other girls by means of text and social media since the first year we were married. (It's been nearly 9 now) I've basically blamed this on the fact that we married fairly young and he just wasn't settled. Given that we are in our 30's now I can't really give him even that excuse. (And who am I kidding, I shouldn't be making excuses for him)
Some days he is wonderful. Happy, helpful, loving and funny. Other days he says i'm an ugly cunt, undetermined, unsocial, he hates my face, i'm a stupid bitch and the like. He says that I live in a fantasy world by thinking life is rainbows and butterflies. I disagree, I just have a positive outlook and happen to love my life and family. He on the otherhand tends to find the bad in most things and does struggle with anger/depression.
A few weeks ago I decided to see a lawyer because his behaviour has gone from sporadic to almost constant over the last year or so. I Had full intentions on going through with it. At first he didn't even believe I had gone. Laughed at me, just played it off completely. Pretended he was leaving for a few weeks and packed his bags, only to text me a couple days later for me to "say the word so we can fix this" and to let him fix things and love me. I said no at the time, but he showed up home an hour later. After throwing my entire closet and bathroom down our stairs, he told me he was panicking because he didn't think I was actually serious about leaving and was just realizing I meant it. That I was pulling his entire life and children from under him and that he wanted a chance to make it better.
During the next couple of days he did a lot of communicating and owning up to his EA. He said he never really thought or saw it in that way and it wasnt until I started accusing him of it did he read up and realize what he was doing to me. That he was so sorry and he behaves to the rest of the world and needed to behave to me also. That he would seek therapy not just for me and the kids but for himself. He admitted to treating me like a servant ( I make EVERY meal, the man doesnt even re heat things himself or get his own plate of already made food. I serve it to him. I also do all the laundry, takr care of kids, house cleaning, scheduling, and take care of finances. He literally does nothing other than go to work and play with the kids at times.)
Anyhow, he made admittance to those things about 2 weeks ago and I decided to give him a chance. That if he really realized it and didnt want to lose his family I should let him prove it. I do love him so. Yet night before last we were talking at the table and I made a comment about his buddy's samosas that he didn't like - he proceeded to call me a spoiled stupid cunt and he does not love me. He calmed down and said he needed to find an apartment, that he doesnt treat me well because he hasn't loved me in a long time and that he just doesnt want to be with me. He told me he isn't in love with me over and over, I think because he could see it was hurting me and making me cry.
Now today he is talking to me as though it didnt happen (he's been out of the house in the mean time, shift worker) and is in the basement watching movies with the kids. Basically ignoring completely.
I am so confused. I am hurt. He got my hopes up so high. I had become distant and detatched from him and in a week he managed to bring me back to feeling desparate and in love. Someone tell me what's up from down. He really seemed sincere and to understand the damage he's caused. And has behaved really beautifully since then until last night.
I am sorry for the gross length of this!
He did what he needed to do to get you to capitulate. You have so now back to business as usual.
Back to plan A for you I’m afraid. He doesn’t believe you.
I wouldn’t of been in the house when he returned. Is there somewhere you and the kids can go? Can you ask him to leave? I appreciate you said he threw things last time so perhaps when the kids are not in the house and ask someone to come round for support or ring the police the second he turns aggressive? You deserve so much better than this man, I hope you know that 💐
He sounds horrid. He won't change. You need to get out because that is not healthy for you or the kids.
Get your ducks in a row... plan it all out. And leave.
Your DH has serious issues, he is lazy, mean, abusive and has anger problems. He is a typical abuser, he beats the life out of you emotionally, then there is the "I promise to seek help and put it right I Love you" period which he cant maintain for long so the abuse begins again.
Only you can break the cycle.You gave in too easily last time.
You need to kick him into touch, tell him you want a divorce and your going through with it. Do not have him back.
Talk is cheap if he really kept his word and went to therapy/counselling and really tried there might be some hope as it is you are locked into cycle of abuse.
Get out abd good luck
You are in the nice/nasty cycle
Rinse and repeat
You're not crazy. Abusers are brilliant at making us believe that we are, however. Speak to Women's Aid about the emotional abuse you're experiencing. Have you thought about the practicalities of leaving?
Are you frightened of him?
He has to sound sincere or he wouldn't have you running back to him. He's an abuser and what is an abuser without their victim. He couldn't very well have you run off, you're his emotional punch bag.
This man will never change. I read a comment on another thread (can't remebremember who from or what thread so cant give them credit for it) where the op said her dp/dh was nice 5% of the time but horrible 95% and someone posted saying well he wouldn't be horrible 100% of the time because he wouldnt have you staying clinging to hope for the 5% (something along those lines). Summed up abuse for me tbh. They lure you back in with their 5% of niceness.
He's lured you back in with his 5% and now it's done back to the 95%
You should leave
He had his chance to put it right, you will always have this behaviour off this man. You need to decide if you will be happy, for the rest of your life, being abused by him, if not, it's best for you to end this now than in 1, 5, 20 years.
You deserve so much better than this, it is easy for me to sit here and say it, it is your life and it won't be easy for you to facilitate change, but you really need to say "enough is enough".
Not all men are hideous, there are good guys out there, who would never dream of calling you a cunt on a regular basis.
His promises are hollow, he's had his chance.
Thank you all for the replies. I appreciate them all. It kind of affirms what I am surmising but also helps me have a little less doubt. There is a big part of me that has been hoping that this is just a hiccup down his road to learning how to treat me better. Am I likely wrong to think this? May seem like a stupid question but he just seemed to acknowledge so much of his mistreatment a couple weeks ago that he had never even cared about previous to now.
Spaghetti I am not frightened of him but I can understand why reading some of what I wrote would make others feel that way. I do believe he is harmless and wouldn't want to cause enough problem that he would end up without access to his kids.
That being said when he is going through one of his rampages I have definitely cleared myself and the kids out of the house until he's calm again. My parents live close by and would help me financially into another home if need be. I hope that H moves out instead though as we have 3 young children and need the space of our current home.
No this is not a hiccup on his road to not calling you a cunt and making you cry at the dinner table.
This was a hiccup on your road to freeing yourself from his abuse.
He manipulated you into letting him back. You fell for it.
He tested you immediately with a violent act (the clothes throwing). You didn't make him leave there and then. You didn't call the police about such threatening behaviour. I bet it didn't even cross your mind.
He hoovered you for 2 weeks then started up again. As far as he is concerned he has a green light to go back to his old ways. Your threats are empty threats. You are easily talked round.
That's why it is your hiccup. You fell for it. Swear like a sailor. Get back to normal reactions to such cuntery, i.e. seeing a divorce lawyer and not cooking a morsel for him ever again.
The only reason he cares about his mistreatment is because he pushed it too far and you were leaving him. He had to acknowledge it so you'd stay. It is manipulation. He's telling you what you want to hear.
If you left he would have to put in the graft of getting someone else to take his abuse. Too much hard work when he knows what buttons to press with you.
I hope you find the strength to leave him for good.
He couldn't be nice for longer than a week? In fact, no longer than two days before he's throwing your stuff down the stairs? Fuck that.. detach again and get him out.
It's not going to be easy and take a lot of care - please talk to someone in real life and tell them everything - you say you're not scared but he sounds absolutely horrible.
Get out of this relationship at the earliest opportunity, you can’t see the wood for the trees and that’s very typical of how messed up we become mentally after these type of relationships, honestly if you were a friend of mine i’d be packing your bags, you have family support and that is huge
He is deliberately manipulating you so that he can continue to abuse you.
Please, take steps now to end this relationship safely.
OP, have a read about the way abusers behave. This is classic, predictable behaviour. He knows it.
HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.
You need to get him out of your life. Don’t let your kids think it’s ok to be abused.
Contact Women's Aid. 0808 2000 247
They will advise you and help you. You need to either kick him out or leave. He will never change. He won't ever treat you better. Believe that because that is the truth.
Ger your ducks in a row and get out. Let your folks help you.
Your children are learning about relationships by watching yours. Don't subject them to a life of shit relationships.
Make sure you are using effective birth control.
Thank you all. I don't know why it feels so impossible to get out. I gain a backbone and he shows sympathy. I give him a chance and he isn't nice to me. But then goes back to normal like it didn't happen and I feel like I'm supposed to ignore and carry on. It's so hard on the head.
It's hard to leave when you're attached to someone, even if they're being abusive. You get used to how things are, settled even, and come to expect it as part of normality.
Your 'normality' is riddled with abuse.
The lower half of this post talks about how emotional abuse can escalate into physical violence, but the full text applies. I have lived with someone like this, it was deeply unpleasant and resulted in him being arrested twice in the final week of our relationship because of his behaviour. Three policemen came the first time, the second time it took six because he was raging and threatening to kill me.
You need to get out, and stay out no matter what he says. His lovely side is an act. His nasty side is the real him, and you don't deserve a Jekyll and Hyde character.
Yeah, it’s hard on your head because he’s making it that way on purpose.
By pretending it never happened, he gets you questioning your perspective and wondering if it really was that bad. It’s all part of the cycle, and it won’t end.
You have been brainwashed I feel like I'm supposed to ignore and carry on. It's so hard on the head.
You have been taught to feel like this.
You have also been taught to feel like the nice phase is the "normal" and the rest is the surprising bit. Nope. The shit treatment is your normal. The "nice" bit is him blocking your exit until you back into your cage.
Shoot for the butterflies & rainbows every time x
This guy is a mill stone
Do you feel it is impossible to leave?
Do you feel it is wrong to leave when he's in his nice phase?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.