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Didn’t do as I asked?

(57 Posts)
Nopeno Sat 09-Dec-17 12:59:29

I was very drunk recently and had a ONS. It’s someone I sort of know, both single. He’d asked a while ago and I’d said no, so knew he may try it on again.

Drunk enough to think fuck it why not.

Anyway I had condoms and the first time told him where they were, must be used and off we went. Through the night I was drifting in and out of drunken slumber and we had sex a few more times.

He left early hours and I woke to a text suggesting I got the morning after. Checked the bin and there were not enough condoms used for the amount we did.

I had sporadically checked verbally he had the pack so I think it’s not really fair I now have had to fuck with my hormones to take the pill and have a trip to a clinic I have NEVER been to in my future with an underlying fear I could have caught anything!

Not on right? I just am feeling increasingly pissed off.

IDoAllMyOwnStunts Sat 09-Dec-17 13:04:18

Would you have agreed to sex without a condom?
There is a stated case around this. If you explicitly only agree to sex with a condom, and he goes ahead without, knowing you would not consent if you knew that he was not wearing one it is rape. Bastard.
Sorry this doesn’t really help. Feel for you op x

Quartz2208 Sat 09-Dec-17 13:11:13

You only explicitly consented the first time and were insistent on condoms.

No it’s not on he took massive advantage and raped you while you were in a drunken slumber multiple times

Nopeno Sat 09-Dec-17 13:14:28

No I wouldn’t have had sex without, I’m done with kids and paranoid about STIs. I didn’t say “only sex with a condom” though.

We were, erm, getting “ready” the first time and I said “you need to wear one” and he got the pack.

Another time I also verbally said “do you have a condom”, answer “yes”, but didn’t physically check, the last time I was more sober and waited until it was on.

Seems the others when I was half asleep and didn’t check was without.

Nopeno Sat 09-Dec-17 13:20:49

Plus when I woke there was blood all over the sheet and I have no idea why! Felt so bloody embarrassed with the hotel I stripped the bed [blush

Quartz2208 Sat 09-Dec-17 13:24:36

You definitely have a case for reporting or at least getting it noted in case he does it again and I would tell him that

Were you in pain st all

MagnoliaBark Sat 09-Dec-17 13:26:20

Forgetting for a moment whether contraception was used/not used, how are you feeling about what happened?

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree Sat 09-Dec-17 13:42:34

Tbh, he should not have had sex with you without using a condom, but you were too drunk to ensure one was used too.

If he took advantage of you whilst you were sleeping/out of it from the alcohol, then that is rape.

If you were an active participant in sex, even sleepy sex, where you were both too drunk to fully take responsibilty for contraception, then you were both at fault.

Straycatblue Sat 09-Dec-17 13:56:28

If you were an active participant in sex, even sleepy sex, where you were both too drunk to fully take responsibilty for contraception, then you were both at fault.

This ^ ^ ^

Bluntness100 Sat 09-Dec-17 14:01:07

If you were an active participant in sex, even sleepy sex, where you were both too drunk to fully take responsibilty for contraception, then you were both at fault

I also agree with this, and if this is the case, it’s wrong to just blame him, you also have a responsibility for your own contraception.

PastaOfMuppets Sat 09-Dec-17 14:08:33

Not using a condom with women who had said to use one is the basis of Julian Assange's rape charges. Yes, it's serious.

Parsleyisntfood Sat 09-Dec-17 14:12:25

Why would you insist on a condom in the first instance and not for later in the same night? Less likely to get pregnant? Nope. Less likely to catch an std? Nope. I cannot understand where the confusion comes from.
What you do about it though, I don’t know?
How do you feel about it?

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree Sat 09-Dec-17 14:15:07

Not using a condom with women who had said to use one is the basis of Julian Assange's rape charges. Yes, it's serious.

Yes, but if she was too sleepy/drunk to check/be aware and he was too sleepy/drunk to remember... then they were both too sleepy/drunk to take responsibility...

I hate condoms. I hate everything about them. I damn well know whether someone has used one or not - it takes time to put one one, they feel horrible, they need to be removed and disposed of afterwards.

Unless he removed it without her noticing/knowledge/permission once sex was underway or had actively lied about using one (which I can't imagine being a lie that holds up for long given how different it feels!), then they are equally responsible.

Pinkpillows Sat 09-Dec-17 14:19:43

Strange thing is he did remember, he did know, because he text her that very morning to inform no condom was used.

Seems this guy was in control and if OP was too intoxicated to know if a condom had been put on he shouldn't of had sex with her if she was incapable of being aware of something as simple as that.

Nopeno Sat 09-Dec-17 14:41:15

Ok, so I couldn’t tell, let me be really clear about that. And yes I normally can. But the times with Vs without I absolutely could not tell. Plus I actively asked 3 times (not the others) and when I checked the bin only 2 were used. He says he used 3. So one has gone AWOL.

I was achy the next morning.

I won’t be reporting, he’s a nice guy, it would affect my life, I fully agreed to being there and did enjoy the sex. Didn’t enjoy the next morning as I couldn’t even get out of bed until 12 I was so ill! I never drink either so was bad. I think the thread is because it’s playing on my mind and I want to call him on it. But won’t as not sure it’s his “fault” either really. confused.

How do I feel? don’t know really, pensive?thoughtful? Underlying worry about STDs. A growing realisation I have a serious issue with the way I am behaving at the moment.

But I am burying a lot of shit at the moment and am always “fine” so long as I’m moving and doing. Might need to deal with that at some point, but today isn’t that day.

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree Sat 09-Dec-17 15:00:57

Strange thing is he did remember, he did know, because he text her that very morning to inform no condom was used.

Realising the following day and then letting her know isn't the same as remembering at the time and just thinking "fuck it".

Nor is it the same as realising in the morning and keeping schtum.

They both got drunk, wasn't ideal, he remembered/realised and let her know...

Moral of the story is "don't have drunken one night stands if you're not prepared for it to be a little less than ideal".

Pinkpillows Sat 09-Dec-17 15:14:32

Star, no one said he thought at the time fuck it who knows what went through his head, but most certainly he had remembered twice before yet 3rd time all of a sudden the drink kicked in then, right o

Moral of the story is you can have one night stands that are ideal and safe. This one wasn't

SilverdaleGlen Sat 09-Dec-17 21:41:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nopeno Sat 09-Dec-17 22:26:27

Test

Nopeno Sun 10-Dec-17 13:59:44

I am absolutely no clearer! Will just forget about it and hope all is ok!

Nannyplumbrocks Sun 10-Dec-17 14:37:56

I really wouldn't call this rape.

notagain123456 Tue 12-Dec-17 15:51:34

wow, i really feel for men nowadays. It was both your responsibilities.

Nopeno Tue 12-Dec-17 19:07:53

Sorry, I’m willing to accept it’s not a big deal and to be clear I NEVER said rape, or in any way intimated I didn’t consent or enjoy. But fuck being told you feel for men and I didn’t take responsibility!

I CARRY condoms whereas he knew he was going to try it on and hadn’t brought any.

I gave him the damn things and checked twice, verbally asked the 3rd and was bloody asleep pretty much the other times.

I have had to take the MAP and took myself off to the GUM clinic when I had made my wish to use them clear but I didn’t take responsibility???

The only thing I could have done is reached down and checked physically every single time and to be honest I refuse to feel responsible for not doing so!

TammySwansonTwo Tue 12-Dec-17 19:23:02

Some of the comments here are fucking appalling.

So he was off his face but managed to maintain an erection for three lots of sex? Sure.

And you might not call it rape. The law would beg to differ.

As far as the "feeling sorry for men" comment... fucking seriously? Yeah, how awful for him - look at all the consequences he now faces as a result of ignoring her perfectly reasonable request to have safe sex.

Quartz2208 Tue 12-Dec-17 19:25:48

notagain she was asleep and he knew she wanted to use a condom - to the strict letter of the law that is definitely rape.

If a man doesnt know that he shouldnt have sex with an asleep woman and fail to use a condom where she has been very clear before I really do despair.

I feel for younger women who have to put up with this level of crap

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