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DH choosing between me and the OW

(450 Posts)
Tearsofthemushroom Sat 09-Dec-17 12:40:35

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 09-Dec-17 12:43:02

Oh no. You don't let him decide on this. If he's not for you he's against you.

Tell him it's over. That if he has to make a choice it means you're not his first choice.

Don't play the "pick me" dance, OP. You will live to regret it.

Teensandfuture Sat 09-Dec-17 12:44:45

And why you wanting him back exactly?
Do you have a tiny bit of self respect left?

singme Sat 09-Dec-17 12:45:07

Didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. He has treated you appallingly. It sounds like you have been very strong, and I think that whatever happens, you will be ok. Leave him and her to their drama and hang-wringing romance and just look after yourself flowers. Have you got family or friends you can chat to?

SilverdaleGlen Sat 09-Dec-17 12:46:08

Good god no, you can't be a "choice"! No matter the MLC, I think my DH had a MLC and he would have "chosen" me but that option absolutely is not there. To live without trust? With all that damage? No.

It was a 21yr marriage for me but there is a future ahead, you saw the beginnings of light at the end of the tunnel, walk away and keep focused on that my love.

ThisLittleKitty Sat 09-Dec-17 12:46:58

There's a saying that I read once which was if you love two people and can't decide between them always choose the second one because if you loved the first one enough you would have never went with the second (something to that effect anyway) I would be running for the hills myself sorry! I bet he's secretly loving getting to choose between two woman.

ScreamingValenta Sat 09-Dec-17 12:47:23

He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend

Who does he think he is? His arrogance is breathtaking. You deserve far, far better than this, OP.

Emily7708 Sat 09-Dec-17 12:47:24

You don’t have to wait for confirmation of the inevitable - text him and say you have made a decision that you do not want him back, he is welcome to go to the other woman and he is not to contact you again.

You need to take charge of this and get the upper hand - trust me, you will feel better for it. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you deserve better.

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs Sat 09-Dec-17 12:48:01

Fuck him off. Don't do the 'pick me dance'.

GreenTulips Sat 09-Dec-17 12:49:29

Why aren't you choosing? Choose to walk away!!

He's only coming back because he feels guilty - show him you can manage perfectly fine without him and move on

ThatEscalatedQuickly Sat 09-Dec-17 12:50:07

WHAT? I know it must be a heartbreaking situation OP but you need to tell that man to take a long walk off a short pier. How dare he. Two women dancing to his tune, one of them his partner of a few decades

You need to find your anger for the way he has treated you can mourn the loss of the relationship at a later stage but right now anger is your best friend. How dare he.

Aminuts23 Sat 09-Dec-17 12:50:15

Tell him to pick her. Cheeky bastard

Notsoaccidentproneanymore Sat 09-Dec-17 12:50:19

Just tell him to F off. Can’t decide which woman to pick!

I suggest you give your self esteem a good talking too and don’t let yourself be messed around by such an arse.

Why do you think you are worth so little?

AnaWinter Sat 09-Dec-17 12:52:35

Ugh no way. My blood boils for you. Who does he think he is? Text him now and tell him she is welcome to him.

flumpybear Sat 09-Dec-17 12:52:36

Fuck that! Tell him he's made his choice to leave and it's the best thing he's done for you ! Change all your locks too

fridayrain Sat 09-Dec-17 12:52:37

Tell him there is no choice to make as ypu are no longer an option. Walk away with dignity and self respect and you will never regret it.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 09-Dec-17 12:52:50

If you dump him she'll always wonder whether he would have chosen her. Win-win to my mind.

Unnoticed Sat 09-Dec-17 12:53:39

I think I would be making the decision for him.

suchislife44 Sat 09-Dec-17 12:53:44

I'm sorry that you are going through this but as others have said for me there would be no choice... apart from the choice to move forward without this man and allow yourself the life that you deserve. You are more than an option.

pinkyredrose Sat 09-Dec-17 12:55:01

Find some self respect and tell him to sling his hook. If you let him come back you'll never be able to trust him again.

Brandnewstart Sat 09-Dec-17 12:55:38

Been where you are now OP. Tell him it's over for your own self esteem and sanity. He doesn't get to choose, he's isn't weighing up products in a catalogue to see which one has the best features!!
Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm not at all, but he doesn't deserve to make decisions about your future. I found taking control was the only way to hold on to my health and sanity. It bloody hurts but it will get better x

Amatree Sat 09-Dec-17 12:56:43

For goodness sake grab some self respect and tell him that if he even has to think about it for one minute then you are taking yourself off the table as an option. He will have absolutely zero respect for you if you just sit and meekly wait for him to 'decide'. Fuck that! Why on earth would you ever want someone like that near you ever again! It will take strength but if you look back and didn't stand up for yourself now you will always regret it. Gather up your big girl pants and tell him that he has no decision to make.

bastardkitty Sat 09-Dec-17 12:57:24

Please just send him a text saying 'Let me help you with your decision. You are not the man I married and I don't want you back'. Then start to rebuild your life and don't look back. He just wobbled because he knew you were moving on. It's terrible behaviour. You would never trust him again. And nor will OW. So that's nice.

FatherChewieLouie Sat 09-Dec-17 12:57:26

Fuck that.

Nanny0gg Sat 09-Dec-17 12:57:44

He doesn't get to decide - YOU do!

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