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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Thoughts Needed

30 replies

suchislife44 · 09/12/2017 08:34

Hi. Looking for some objective thoughts. Partner of 8 years made the statement 'I don't think you are the type of woman who wants to make me happy'. In a nutshell the facts say otherwise and there are pronounced cycles of being 'idolised' and devalued which don't appear to be consistent with my own behaviour. How do you feel would be the correct way to approach how this makes me feel?

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2017 08:42

And you are with this person at all because?. What is in this relationship for you?. Why have you and do you put up with this from him?. The only part that is missing here is the discard part.

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Pinkpillows · 09/12/2017 08:44

He's telling you, you don't make him happy

The up and down idiolize then make you feel like shit is control freak territory

What you need to do show him the door so he's happy and your happy

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Angrybird345 · 09/12/2017 08:55

Walk away

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suchislife44 · 09/12/2017 09:17

Thank you for the replies. I should have added some context. My partner has borderline personality disorder (identified at a later stage of life mid 40's but present throughout) He was recently referred for specialist support but declined to attend the appointment and has now disengaged from his GP also. We are now back in the cycle of him stating that he feels the way he does because of me and everything being my fault. This week he was feeling stressed because he didn't know what to get me for Christmas and wanted me to tell him what I would like. Previous years this has not been an issue and I am not the sort of person who cares much for the gift more for the thought behind it. I said that there was no pressure, I didn't 'need' a gift but would appreciate anything that he took the time to get me and that I just wanted us to have a good Christmas. He was then annoyed that I 'knew' what to get him, and others and had everything prepared. This led to me offering some suggestions of 'things to get' so as to prevent the situation escalating... then got an eye roll. This was the day before the 'not the sort of woman that wants to make me happy' comment. Further context, when he is 'well' I am told I do make him happy. When he is feeling low I am told I make him feel better. It is only in these periods of what I call BPD take over that these statements occur and everything becomes my fault.

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Joysmum · 09/12/2017 09:23

Does he make you happy?

If he doesn’t, you’re giving up your chance of a finding quality relationship with somebody who does.

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suchislife44 · 09/12/2017 09:43

Joysmum when he is 'well' things are ok between us. I feel I have become better at managing periods where his mood / emotions alter however it is still difficult to detach and try to stay neutral when hurtful comments are made.

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SpartonDregs · 09/12/2017 09:47

Tell him 'no problem, I hereby announce that you are free to fuck off and find yourself someone that will make you happy. And I will go and find someone who will make me happy. So we will all be happy. Hurrah.'

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Joysmum · 09/12/2017 09:48

Ok so I’ll make the point I usually do when I believe there’s the possibility of a relationship not being good enough.

People stay in relationships when they judge the relationship by what it can be at its best and hold on hoping for more of that, rather than judging the relationship by how they feel the majority of the time.

How do you feel most of the time?

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fc301 · 09/12/2017 09:52

I'm sorry you are going through this. Generally my feeling is that people like this don't change. How can they when they are not at fault - it's you right?
The fact that he has disengaged from those who could help him also speaks volumes.
If YOU are not happy you should leave. It's not your job to nursemaid him for life at the expense of yourself.

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junebirthdaygirl · 09/12/2017 10:10

If you are happy most of the time and contented in the relationship just ignore him. Its his problem not yours. Just dont even waste energy engaging in it . But if you are living on your nerves tiptoeing around him just walk away as you deserve better. He may be noticing that you make a big fuss of him when he makes mad statements like that so make a special effort to ignore it. Its his responsibility to get happy himself as no doubt your happiness is not dependent on him.
Also l wouldnt stand for him not accessing treatment . I would be more inclined to walk away for that reason.

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Frustrationqueen · 09/12/2017 10:20

I think you are right in thinking this is BPD in full control.
It sounds like the stress and pressure of christmas presents has possibly tipped him.
I understand that knowing this doesnt make it any easier to handle.
Could you contact his mental health workers so you could speak to someone?

The best way to approach him could be to talk a lot with "i understand you are feeling that way..." etc.
Recgonise his feelings and ask him for solutions. Ask him what you could do to make him feel a bit better.

Remember this will pass. Obviously if it becomes a more permanent personality of his then that would be different.

Good luck, OP. It cant be easy for you

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suchislife44 · 09/12/2017 10:35

Thanks so much for the replies. It really depends upon where he is in his head whether we are "happy". When he appears to have some insight and communicates how he is feeling it is much easier for us. Times like now it is really tough. I don't outwardly react to comments. I try to ignore or neutralise, or remove myself from the room / house. But last night I ended up in tears. He then apologised but I don't think really had any idea why I was upset. Today I feel I need to address it but know there is potential for making things worse in doing so. Rationally I know it is the BPD but I find it really hard to just tolerate being spoken to in that way with no acknowledgement from him as to why.

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Joysmum · 09/12/2017 11:46

YOUR last post once again is about him.

How do YOU feel most of the time, even when he’s on the bounce? Are to fearing it’ll all go and are you ever entirely relaxed and happy? If so is this most of the time?

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suchislife44 · 09/12/2017 12:48

Thanks Joysmum, appreciate that. For me at this time leaving the relationship is not an option that I am considering. How do I feel most of the time? Fairly content in the relationship. Appreciated. Cared about. The remainder of the time Unappreciated. Devalued. Lonely. As though I am losing my marbles.

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Joysmum · 09/12/2017 13:13

OK so you your after ways to manage your emotions but stay in the relationship.

Would you consider looking st support groups and forums for partners/family/friends of those with personality disorders?

I think if you find groups like that you get and understanding ear and some coping strategies from those in your position who have been where you are now

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suchislife44 · 09/12/2017 13:30

Yes exactly, I was just looking for thoughts, or experiences of coping skills, de escalation, maintaining self perception etc in these sorts of relationships (of course each person/ couple are unique but there may be common ground). I have had a brief look online and there doesn't seem to be anything in my local area in regards to real life support. Forums could be good. Thanks again

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Joysmum · 09/12/2017 14:01

Forums are good because they can be bigger and anonymity can be useful too.

Merry Christmas such

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suchislife44 · 09/12/2017 14:12

Merry Christmas

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pocketsaviour · 09/12/2017 17:58

Hello OP, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

BPD is commonly associated with both genetic traits (e.g. a parent having BPD) and also with childhood trauma.

I was sexually abused as a child over a long period and looking back now from the vantage point of my 40s I can see that I exhibited many symptoms of BPD in my teens and twenties. It must have been absolutely exhausting for my partners and close friends. I am too much of a coward to reach out and apologise to them

Xmas is a very common stress factor for those with difficult familial relationships. Can you take that into account and put up a bland "shield" around yourself during these times when he is acting out and pushing you away? Use reflecting statements such as "I'm sorry you feel that way", "you must feel very isolated/low/disappointed right now", "tell me what you'd like me to do right now - if it's go away then I will."

Living with someone who has quite serious MH issues is HARD. Do you have children together?

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suchislife44 · 09/12/2017 18:19

Hi pocketsaviour thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am sorry to hear of your own experience. I do try to use the shield technique, not just at Christmas but throughout to manage rollercoaster emotions and tend to use phrases such as those you suggest to demonstrate that I am hearing what is going on for him. However these are often met with an eye roll. Without wanting to minimise his experience as I really do appreciate how tough BPD must be to live with Christmas is a difficult time for many and can raise all sorts of emotions. My partner has a large family with whom he has quite healthy relations and has had some really positive family news this year so I do feel it a shame that he cant embrace the festive season and new year ahead. Personally I have no family and am not a huge fan of Christmas due to historical events but would hate to show this and try to make it a pleasant time for us in all respects. We don't have children.

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Jerseysilkvelour · 09/12/2017 18:53

I don't think it's fair of him to refuse to engage with the services he's been referred to, and is instead taking it all out on you. Wouldn't it demonstrate commitment to the relationship if he chose to take responsibility for himself and his BPD? I wonder if your relationship is/has become codependent?

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suchislife44 · 09/12/2017 19:23

Hmm yes I agree regarding support. A couple of months ago I really thought we had turned a corner as he had finally acknowledged needing some professional help. It is only a short time ago that it was identified that he had BPD. This came about as things blew up and I stated that I didn't want to be in the relationship due to ramifications of his mental health and the fact that he had no support in place as he did not accept there was a problem. A few days later he opened up and subsequently went to the GP (3 appointments) and was referred to psych. An appointment came through however he then decided that he was not going to attend but agreed to reschedule in the new year. In the past the relationship did become quite co dependant (and there was some emotional abuse) however once I accepted this things changed and I would not allow them to revert to this state.

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suchislife44 · 09/12/2017 19:25

*I should say the abusive behaviour and co-dependency was over 5 years or so ago

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SpartonDregs · 09/12/2017 19:50

For me at this time leaving the relationship is not an option that I am considering

Oh then. You carry on shielding whilst he fucks you over time and again. It is your life.

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Offred · 09/12/2017 20:11

Can I gently ask why you would even consider this;

I was just looking for thoughts, or experiences of coping skills, de escalation, maintaining self perception etc in these sorts of relationships (of course each person/ couple are unique but there may be common ground).

And won’t consider leaving when the only reason he even engaged with support services (and only briefly) is because you threatened him with a BPD person’s worst fear - abandonment and he has made it pretty clear he isn’t committed to getting better?

My ex had a diagnosis of BPD after he had a bout of psychotic symptoms (well after we broke up) and he had some DBT and it really helped him a lot. BPD is not the untreatable curse it used to be thought to be, indications are that it is actually highly treatable, but your partner won’t engage with treatment and you’ve demonstrated to him that you won’t leave even if he doesn’t carry through with treatment.